Living in a Buddhist Temple- I need some love- please......

[bdomihizayka]

Hey guys.

I have been clean for about 6 months leading up to now... in which I have been living in a Buddhist Monastery for the past 3 months. It is something I've always wanted to do. Everyday consists of sitting in front of a wall and meditating for 7 hours a day, followed by 2.5 hours of studying the Buddha's teachings/ various sutras.

It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life- to sit and be alone day after day- with no distractions (no tv, internet, phone, etc- the only reason I have internet access now is because I am at my teacher's house sick-)

Which leads me to.... a few weeks ago, I was taken to the emergency room and diagnosed with Epididymitis. I was put on an antibiotic, and given a month worth of pain meds. I have been on 20mg hydrocodone 4xs a day since.....

My pain has went away, so I stopped taking the painkillers.... and now I am in withdrawal. It is not full blown (I am a heroin addict and not a stranger to it) But it still really sucks and it's taking everything out of me to go through with this.

Since being in the monestary, my best friend died from a drug overdose, I broke contact with some family members, my girlfriend left me, I've been in tremendous pain from the Epididymitis, I am now in withdrawal.... and now I want to say fuck it to everything and go home an use once and kill myself... and I don't say that poetically or in an attention seeking way, I have nothing left to live for and am in so much agony.

Just reaching out- looking for some love.

 

[Mysterie]

i guess a lot of the things that are tough which are going on in your life right now are really being amplified due to the fact you are in withdrawals

i think if you've had an opiate habit before it might be worth trying to avoid opiates at all costs in the future, or if you need to take them then only for a few days or something? like maybe just being mindful of the pain could have been easier than going through WD's again?

its sad to hear you friend is gone, i know its tragic but i dont think he would want you to overdose as well... its possible you will heal the bonds between your family members with time and if trust is regained on both sides, and i suppose your relationship was not meant to be if she left you, i'm sure you will find someone else to share love with again~

living like a monk truly is one of the most intense experiences one can encounter, but i would guess you have had some beautiful, life-affirming moments as well?

i'm curious how you got to be living in a monastery, as that is also something i would love to do in the future, when i have less study obligations. do you have to pay $x a month or something? did you move to japan or is it a local monastery, did you just contact a monastery that you had heard good things about and asked them what you have to do to join ?

with metta~ mr.e

 

[bdomihizayka]

I am very much in agreeance with the notion that I should have avoided the hydrocodone at all costs.... and the pain in my testical was absolutely unbearable- it was the first and only time in my life where I actually did need a pain medication. It felt like a migraine in my testical, like someone was constantly squeezing it- without a painkiller, I think I would have ended up in a psych- ward. I tried to be mindful of the pain- it sincerely was not enough- it was excrutiating to say the least.

I live in a monestary in Michigan. There are many in America in which you can live at. Yes, I have to pay monthly, or "tuition". It varies from person to person, case to case, but I end up paying $1000 a month, and that covers food, my own apartment, everything... I was really good friends with the Buddhist monk who is leading this place- I actually met him at a rehab that I was at- he came in and gave meditation instruction. I felt compelled to do this- to sit and watch my mind and gain an understanding of the pure insanity of it- I want to live out of my true self, and not my false self (ego, regrets of past, hopes and fears of future)

It is a beautiful thing I am doing here- but all the monkey wrenches being thrown my way since I was here is making it nearly impossible. I feel defaeated.

 

[Eveleivibe]

Hey guys.

I have been clean for about 6 months leading up to now... in which I have been living in a Buddhist Monastery for the past 3 months. It is something I've always wanted to do. Everyday consists of sitting in front of a wall and meditating for 7 hours a day, followed by 2.5 hours of studying the Buddha's teachings/ various sutras.

It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life- to sit and be alone day after day- with no distractions (no tv, internet, phone, etc- the only reason I have internet access now is because I am at my teacher's house sick-)

Which leads me to.... a few weeks ago, I was taken to the emergency room and diagnosed with Epididymitis. I was put on an antibiotic, and given a month worth of pain meds. I have been on 20mg hydrocodone 4xs a day since.....

My pain has went away, so I stopped taking the painkillers.... and now I am in withdrawal. It is not full blown (I am a heroin addict and not a stranger to it) But it still really sucks and it's taking everything out of me to go through with this.

Since being in the monestary, my best friend died from a drug overdose, I broke contact with some family members, my girlfriend left me, I've been in tremendous pain from the Epididymitis, I am now in withdrawal.... and now I want to say fuck it to everything and go home an use once and kill myself... and I don't say that poetically or in an attention seeking way, I have nothing left to live for and am in so much agony.

Just reaching out- looking for some love.

First of all, here's a great, big hug.

I'm so very sorry that your best friend died n your gf left you - that's dreadful.

You've come to the right for support n help. Bluelight has some extremely compassionate n empathic members.

I sincerely wish that things become better for you n I'm sorry for the pain you're in.

Welcome to Bluelight?

Eveu

 

[Maya]

Hey guys.

I have been clean for about 6 months leading up to now... in which I have been living in a Buddhist Monastery for the past 3 months. It is something I've always wanted to do. Everyday consists of sitting in front of a wall and meditating for 7 hours a day, followed by 2.5 hours of studying the Buddha's teachings/ various sutras.

It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life- to sit and be alone day after day- with no distractions (no tv, internet, phone, etc- the only reason I have internet access now is because I am at my teacher's house sick-)

Which leads me to.... a few weeks ago, I was taken to the emergency room and diagnosed with Epididymitis. I was put on an antibiotic, and given a month worth of pain meds. I have been on 20mg hydrocodone 4xs a day since.....

My pain has went away, so I stopped taking the painkillers.... and now I am in withdrawal. It is not full blown (I am a heroin addict and not a stranger to it) But it still really sucks and it's taking everything out of me to go through with this.

Since being in the monestary, my best friend died from a drug overdose, I broke contact with some family members, my girlfriend left me, I've been in tremendous pain from the Epididymitis, I am now in withdrawal.... and now I want to say fuck it to everything and go home an use once and kill myself... and I don't say that poetically or in an attention seeking way, I have nothing left to live for and am in so much agony.

Just reaching out- looking for some love.

I can say that this year has been tough as well. There are months where I just thought I am the unluckiest person in this world but there are better days and happier days. I learned that however shitty my life sometimes is there's always going to be an unexpected surprise that will change it for the better. Hang in there and sending you lots of love

 

[harmacologist]

peace dude.

 

[Xorkoth]

My situation is very different from yours, but I will say that my life for the past 5 years had been an endless downward spiral. By the end of 2013 I wanted to die, I was so depressed and defeated. I believed I would never get better. Now, I feel the best I have ever felt and everything is going great. It's amazing how much life can (and does) change. Sometimes we have low points, but we just have to give it time, and things always swing back up again, as long as we remain open and don't give up.

 

[Eveleivibe]

Glad to hear that, Xorkoth. You n I don't really know each other - but I've read your posts from time to time, and I'm really pleased that things are better for you now.

Evey

 

[Xorkoth]

Thanks Evey

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Welcome to bluelight. Can you talk to your Buddhist monk friend? Or other people at the monastery and tell them what is going on in your life? What you are feeling is temporary, and yes time does heal all things.

 

[herbavore]

There is nothing like physical pain to break you down. Yours sounds very excruciating. Give yourself time now to explore the hopelessness and loneliness you are feeling. Maybe you are overthinking things? Pain reinforces just how solitary our realities are--no one else can feel it even though they may sympathize. Confronting our aloneness at that level is always uncomfortable. You are in a good place to stay with your discomfort and learn from it and let it move through you. I don't think life throws monkey wrenches at us--life unfolds and we live it. How we live it is our choice.

I'm just glad that you were able to get diagnosed and treated and that the physical pain s gone.

 

[neversickanymore]

Please do not take this the wrong way as its not an attempt to make fun at all and is a real enquiry. had you eliminated any form of sexual satisfaction when this occurred?

 

[bdomihizayka]

Please do not take this the wrong way as its not an attempt to make fun at all and is a real enquiry. had you eliminated any form of sexual satisfaction when this occurred?

I have not had sex or masturbated even since I was in this monestary- not a requirment, just a personal choice.


And yes... my teacher is aware of my addiction and supports me immensly- sometimes I feel like it's best reaching out to addicts which is why I wrote here.

Thanks for the love and support- it really means alot to me guys and gals.

 

[Foreigner]

Not channeling the sexual energy in any way, cold turkey, is probably what lead to this problem. The epididymis is where sperm are stored and there's likely congestion. Consider Daoist tantric work for that... you don't have to ejaculate but you should definitely circulate that pent up energy, even with something as simple as the microcosmic orbit. Simply ignoring sexuality is not healthy. The energy will build until there's a physical health problem.

Because your problem is severe, you can approach it a couple ways. One is, allow yourself to ejaculate to clear the energy, and then start doing the tantric work. This might be easier because the physical pain is already severe. The other method is to do the tantric work and circulate the energy, see if the problem goes away on its own. IMO you're already in too deep so you might as well start over.

I hope your doctor has ruled out infection and varicosities (like varicoceles). If they have, then it's lifestyle related... too much sitting, repressed sex drive, that kind of stuff. The herbs uva ursi, sheppards purse, and horsechestnut can be considered, all in tincture form. The herb cleavers are specifically indicated for inflammation in the vas deferens, you might want to try that. But if the root of the problem is sexual repression then the herbs won't work.

Meditating for 7 hours a day when you're new at it sounds rather intense too. You have to let your body's system adapt to that kind of rigorous concentration. But... to each their own.

 

[neversickanymore]

I have not had sex or masturbated even since I was in this monestary- not a requirment, just a personal choice.

I think this has a very good chance of being the underlying cause. You may want to reconsider and allow for a limited sexual release as opposed to complete abstinence so this does not happen again. The body needs to ejaculate to purge old sperm and replace them with new ones. Resisting this may cause complications. The body will eliminate them through "wet dreams' and such but its probably healthier to clear it out occasionally.

EDIT: I just noticed how the title to your thread fits this idea Please think about joining in over in Sober living if you feal inclined.