chaosbydesign
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 31, 2008
- Messages
- 255
I am so happy to finally have this entire report written out and so excited to share it with all of you! My apologies about the spacing in the post title... I had to do that because everything wouldn't fit. 
Creative Title that Wouldn't Fit:
10 Day Journey of Manifestation and Nonduality
Subject:
Gender: F
Weight: 95 lb.
Mindset: adventurous, relieved, just having come out of a depression and life was getting much better.
Dosing timeline:
~each day, about 4 grams of kratom~
Day 1: 4-ho-MiPT 10mg at hotel
Day 2: DXM 354mg on the way home, DMT + 4-ho-MiPT ?mg
Day 3: DXM 354mg + 4-ho-MiPT ?mg + n2o + DMT multiple times
Day 4: LSD (one hit on candy hearts) + mushrooms .8g + DPT 12mg insufflated / DPT 10mg insufflated 1 hour later + n2o + DMT multiple times + DXM 354mg
Day 5: MDMA 120mg + 60mg booster + mushrooms 3g + DPT 23mg IM + DMT multiple times + n2o
Day 6: ~skip a day~
Day 7: 4-ho-DiPT 10mg for migraine, DMT once
Days 8, 9: skip 2 days, go to V's house
Day 10: Iboga.
Notes: Went through a total of 3 grams of DMT split between us, and cannabis consumed daily
The Experience:
My new partner V and I had just had a wonderful day in Massachusetts. We had gone to a psytrance party the night before where we had seen a bunch of our friends. It had been an important night for us because it was our first time going to one of these events since we had gotten together. Additionally, we had both decided to soon move to a different town together, so this was kind of a good way to see all our mutual friends one more time before we left town. The next day, the day of the first (psychedelic) trip, we had spent the afternoon having an early dinner with a colleague in my field that I admire and look up to. I felt that the day had been successful and fun, so I was in a good mindset still when night came around. Even though check out time was at 11AM and we were exhausted, we decided to have a small dose of 4-ho-DiPT because we thought it'd be nice to trip in a hotel while traveling - we agreed that tripping while traveling was always awesome fun. We took the 4-ho-DiPT around 10PM, knowing that we would probably be down and able to get to sleep around 3AM. That way, we'd still get enough rest to drive the 6 hours home the next morning. During this trip, we spent the time before and during the early come-up wandering around the hotel just looking at the different rooms (not the private rooms, but more like laundry rooms, vending rooms, various amenities in the kitchen, etc…) I remember speaking to the guy at the front desk of the hotel, and I asked him if it was his birthday, because when I had made hotel reservations, the guy on the other end of the line had told me that his birthday was going to be on one of the days that I was booking for. I'd had a feeling that it was him, and it turned out that I was right. We had a short conversation, and he seemed friendly. I felt myself coming up a lot more by this point after our little excursion. We went to the hotel room and cuddled and tranced out, talking about the events of the day. I asked her how she thought that things had seemed between me and my colleague. She responded saying that she felt that everything had gone well, and I agreed. I felt incredibly thankful to be there, with her, on this road trip. I finally felt the freedom that I had longed for, for such a long time, and I realized that depriving myself of freedom for such a long time had been completely worth it, because now I couldn't help but appreciate and savor every moment of freedom that I was now experiencing. I remember V and I getting in the shower and trancing out for a while… this was just a very trancy trip in general, as 4-ho-MiPT usually seems to provide in my experience. We sat in the shower just letting the water drip off of us, and meditated in a blissed out state. At some point, V told me that I didn't look quite human; I instead looked like some sort of elven creature. The trip was relatively mild, and we were able to get to sleep without any problem and got up on time the next morning feeling refreshed.
That morning, we got all of our stuff together and hit the road. On the highway, we each had about 4 grams of kratom and smoked a bowl of weed, which kicked in a lot of residual trippiness from the night before (this tends to happen for me when I smoke cannabis the day after having a psychedelic trip). V and I must have thoroughly been enjoying feeling so trippy on the ride back, because we somehow came up with the random idea to take some DXM. I had only recently (the past two months) become more interested in DXM. I had originally started taking it to help with mild opiate withdrawals when I was dealing with that, but I had liked the way it made me think and speak. I liked how it tended to provide me with a lot of rational yet sometimes grandiose insights. So we stopped at a pharmacy on the way back and got two bottles of DXM. We split the first bottle in half when we had about 2 hours left of our car ride. Because V was/is supremely experienced with dissociatives (whereas tryptamines are more so my specialty), I let her do the driving… My eyesight tends to get messed up on DXM, but hers doesn't. We stopped at a rest stop so that our other friend who was driving back with us (I'll call this friend A) could use the bathroom. When we went into the rest stop, I was noticing a bunch of strange and twisted things. It was also fun to watch the interactions between strangers. When we ordered some food, I noticed some guy at a table off to the side making a really weird face at his friend across the table. He was baring his teeth in an animalistic way, and I found it to be funny so I did the same thing towards him, thinking that he wasn't looking over at me and wouldn't see. In my luck, he happened to turn his head directly towards me right as I did it! Judging by his expression, he seemed weirded out.. but I just laughed it off. As we were leaving the rest stop, I saw one of those kids' machines where you put a quarter in and win a toy of some sort. This one said "STRETCHY ALIENS!!"… and I told A (who is obsessed with aliens) that we both ought to get one. He seemed kinda skeptical, but all the same kept laughing at the silliness of the idea. We each ended up getting one as a souvenir of our trip to Massachusetts! And we continued our road trip, listening to a bunch of amazing music and having funny conversations. I didn't feel like going home at all, even though I was tired from not getting much sleep during our road trip. V and I started talking about the possibility of stopping at a state park and going hiking, but then we considered the fact that the sun was going down and though it had been sunny and warmer earlier, it was going to be pretty cold once the sun went down.. and on top of that, there was still about a foot of snow left on the ground. Still though, I felt like I wasn't actually going home yet; I got the feeling that a lot more was in store for us. And well, in a way it turned out I was more than correct! I remember ending up in a grocery store again at some point with V and A, and just laughing at pretty much everything we saw. We dropped A off at his house, and then split the second bottle of DXM. I remember stopping at Wal-Mart to get something we needed, and after we went back to V's car in the parking lot, she showed me how her seats folded back in a way where we could lay down and "camp out" there. We laid there together for a good half an hour just trancing out; I felt like I might even be able to fall asleep! But instead we just rested for a little while and emerged from that rest feeling a bit more rejuvenated. At some point after we got back to V's house, she gave me some gummy vitamins and just randomly put them in my mouth. I found this to be a little bit strange, not to mention the fact that the vitamins had an extremely bitter chemical taste to them. I was fairly certain that she had dosed me with one of the tryptamines that we'd had in our bag… It HAD to be that.. well, either that or things were just tasting extremely strange because I was tripping. It turned out to be the former, as I very quickly realized. It was a little bit uncomfortably stimulating at first, but I think that this is only because I'd been tripping for a while and was just exhausted from traveling all day. I decided to just lay down, and I basically just tranced out watching extremely vivid sequences of imagery in my mind, floating in and out of my body, visiting various and diverse places that ranged from environments of my past to completely unrecognizable and surreal terrains. I tripped like this for a couple of hours (we both did), and then somehow just drifted off and fell asleep eventually.
The next day, we decided to continue our journey because we'd already begun to snowball. I hadn't ever had the kind of snowball experience I'd longed to have on psychedelics, so I think we both just felt as if it was the right time and so we kept going. We first went out to get the supplies we needed, including the DXM and also some nitrous oxide. After returning home, we had the DXM in the same fashion as the day before; we split a bottle and then split another bottle about an hour or two later. During the come up after drinking the first bottle, we were messing around on Ableton Live and playing with some harps V had laying around. V had made an annoyingly persistent sound on Live that just kept playing and never stopping, and at the same time she was playing a lower-pitched harp. I was playing a higher-pitched harp, and the music sounded extremely discordant and haunting. I remember feeling so confused and sloppy, but all the same so relaxed and wonderful! I enjoyed the sort of 'twisted' feeling I was getting from the music we were making. We then took a bath in her parents' larger tub, and we started talking about flotation tanks. We talked about how since my dad is a plumber, he could either build us a flotation tank, or we could start up some sort of flotation center which he could build the tanks for. I zoned out pretty fully in the bath, and was having a bit of trouble walking around ("robo walk", but not all that bad). Then we split our second bottle of DXM after getting out of the tub. I laid down for this come-up, and in less than ten minutes I noticed I was starting to feel surges in my body typical to those of a tryptamine. I mentioned this to V, and she laughed and told me that she had dosed me with 4-ho-MiPT yet again (put it in the bottle of DXM). I was pleasantly surprised that she'd done this, because I had always wanted a partner to completely surprise-dose me. Coming up on the 4-ho-MiPT and DXM was pretty overwhelming though to say the least! I started feeling a little nauseous at one point, and had to lie down. After the nausea passed, I just felt nothing short of wonderful (once again). I was getting the most beautiful visions and having more out of body experiences. I started thinking about a thing I call 'intent manifestation' (the conscious thinking up of ideas into tangible existence) and remembering a bunch of synchronicities that had recently seemed to fit together so well. This is when the grandiose thoughts (and sometimes delusions of grandeur) started. These kinds of thoughts continued on throughout the entire week-long spirit journey. In fact, this 'intent manifestation' phenomenon is what we (especially I, probably) became rather fixated on for the rest of the duration of our spirit journey.
That night, we decided to smoke DMT and ended up snowballing with that, too (big surprise- I tended to snowball with everything with V)! I did DMT a few times this night, but there is only one time that I can write about with certainty. I felt like every moment of my life was happening at once, or more so, I was a space that is oh so familiar to me (I've been here on many trips; it is a space particular to the times where I mix tryptamines and dissociatives). It was one of those experiences where I felt like, though true all the time, everything in my life had been leading up to that one moment of importance. It was a 'peak experience' in every sense of the psychological definition. But this wasn't just an ordinary moment- it was a moment outside of time. I felt like I was living in my truest home, and it felt wonderful. As I came back from the experience, V said that she wished she had been recording me as my hand motions and facial expressions had cycled through ones of perplexing interest, of confusion, of pure bliss. She said that often I'd alternated between looking as if I'd been trying to make sense of stuff and figure things out, and then I would "twist and turn a few knobs" and beam in excitement at what ever it was that I'd just tweaked. I felt so happy to be alive as I came down from the DMT. Apparently I hadn't always been responsive to the nitrous balloon that V had been trying to feed me during the experience; usually with DMT, even if I'm no longer aware of my body, I am somehow able to do two things: 1.) Smoke more DMT and 2.) Inhale nitrous balloons. (I'd once had an experience a couple of years back where I was playing a flute on top of a castle, but actually I'd been hitting the DMT pipe the entire experience.) It made sense to me that I'd been unable to do it this time, as I'd truly felt as if I'd been outside of the space/time continuum during this last ecstatic experience. V had an ecstatic experience too, but couldn't remember details. After the DXM and 4-ho-MiPT wore off, we went to sleep this night planning to drive the 2 hours down to my place the next morning.
And travel, we did. The drive went by quickly the next morning, and when we got to my apartment we decided to try some new LSD we had gotten from my local friends the previous week. They had mentioned that it was "some of the most visual acid they had ever tried", whatever they could attribute that to. They were right, we soon found out, and we were inclined to attribute the strong visuals to the fact that this LSD was just strong in general. I tend to take low doses of LSD in particular, so this time I got visuals of an intensity that I usually didn't get with LSD. The entire room looked like it was made of prismatic crystals, and I could see everything shining. The walls looked like they had shadows of wind chimes and other sparkly decorations covering every bit of empty space. I felt like I was living in a crystal cave. The experience felt incredibly pure and we were both beaming with bliss. About an hour after taking the LSD, we started making our mushroom tea; we had decided on a little less than a gram of Cambodian mushrooms that I had helped my previous partner and good friend to grow ourselves. I knew that these mushrooms were particularly potent, so I knew that I didn't need a huge dose to implement the acid, and V was one of the few people who I could trip with and take the same doses with, as we seemed to have a similar psychedelic tolerance for a change (that was nice). We drank the tea so that we would peak on the LSD around the same time we were starting to peak on the mushrooms. I found that the mushrooms went even better with the LSD than 4-ho-DiPT or 4-AcO-DiPT did (previously my favorite things to mix LSD with). During this experience, I started becoming even more fascinated with the intent manifestation concept, which was basically the idea that we could intend things into existence with pure and powerful wills. My good friend DB had explained this concept to me previously on a combination of MDMA and N2O a couple of years back, as I had been thinking about things that I really wanted to will into existence during this experience too and this was the first time I had really taken this concept seriously. I do believe in this concept as it is similar to well-known magickal practices (which I hadn't heard of or read about at the time), but we started taking it a little too far if you ask me (at the current time). I got the notebook that V and I shared, and I started writing down things that I intended to happen, such as for good things to happen for my friends and family and myself (like for my parents to get along better, for myself to work hard to get into graduate school, for the human race to not blow itself up in a war). I started visualizing a gigantic feedback loop that represented the power of the rulers of the world ("men behind the curtains") and their intent to gain corrupt power and control over mankind, and the intentions of all the good people in the world were basically fighting against this unfortunately powerful negative (in both the 'bad' sense of the word and the term physics-wise) feedback loop that had apparently gotten set into motion along with the beginning of the first banks, the modern government, and dare I say, the "New World Order". I told V about the feedback loop and manifestation practices, and with my manic motivational speech, gradually she got on the roll with me as she had also had some very similar ideas in the past and we found this to mean something too. We both talked about turning around the powerful feedback loop into a more positive and happy one, and wondered if people would know it was apparently us who were turning it around. She told me about a time when she had believed she was.. I think an incarnate of Jesus? years ago, during a time when she was doing a lot of ketamine, and we talked about the importance of language and discernment as she had put some people off by talking about outlandish things during this past time period. I agreed here, and later on that night while talking to people I tried to use discernment and careful language so as to not come off as "crazy" to my friends and acquaintances over Facebook. Some key things that we were thinking about and ranting on about were: religion, Dionysus, Jesus, merging the dream realm and the linear waking life (the 'collective memory reality' as I like to call it), the big symbolic feedback loop that represented the state of our greater consciousness, nondualism, the media, brainwashing and censorship, renewable energy, electricity = consciousness, creating our own holiday (a holiday for appreciating the universe and all consciousness), metaphor and symbolism. About 4 hours after taking the mushrooms, we decided to have 12mg of DPT (insufflated). About an hour later, we had 10mg more of DPT. During this time, I am pretty sure I had an out of body experience… but all the same, my subconscious mind was still fixated on turning around the big feedback loop and saving humanity from the clutches of corrupt power and evil. Around the end of this experience, I remembered my religious upbringing and visualized the current time like an elevator block (that is the best way I can describe it), and V and I were on the cusp of it in a new era, in a new block, moving and evolving through time and space. I interpreted this as that we were all humans made in the image of divine Intelligence, therefore we could become Godlike ourselves and turn things around for the world as long as we truly believed in ourselves. I took what I was experiencing as a validation that religion came from an ultimate truth, yet I did not feel that organized religion was the answer. Still though, I remember thinking something along the lines of, "Wow, religion wasn't all bullshit at all. It makes perfect sense and I have proof." V kept saying that she was hearing a bunch of voices all talking at once. I took this to mean that she was picking up on the collective thought of humanity, as I still had the feedback loop in my mind. I remember her telling me some of the 'words' she could make out, and I wrote them all down in our notebook. I remembered Terence McKenna saying, "The world is made out of words." While V was hearing words, conversation and static, I was hearing songs playing in my head. I remember that I would tell her to "scramble the static" so that nobody could pick up on what we were doing. I continued to write things down in our notebook… Here are some of the things I wrote, but I can't put all of them here for personal reasons:
"It will be so…
-I can bring together good and evil and choose.
-My mom will let others' insults and opinions slide off of her, and she will find a revelation and purpose in life and not be afraid anymore.
-My dad will feel an intense flood of emotion and realize now to relate to my mom and not belittle her.
-The people at the top will be able to start collaborating and will discover empathy for those they control instead of using the world as a stage to fuck with. Change in ripple of actions.
-People will have a generally more psychedelic outlook.
-The media will no longer be used as the dangerous brainwashing it is to susceptible minds.
-I will no longer be unsure. I will believe.
-L (friend of mine) will be able to let go of his OCD and have revelations about life and be happier.
-M (friend of mine who is facing legal charges) will get off easy and not have to do time.
-JM, DK and AH will be master chemists and synthesize anything for us and they will believe in themselves and the Universe
-Psychedelic therapy will be legal and help the world; the people at the top will help and realize the good instead of wanting to use it for corruption
-The Dream Realm and the Physical Realm will be one…
-V will be successful at channeling these words, and through that abstract realm, she will be a world bridget. Her music will change the way people see the world
-Everything I write with positive intention will be manifested into reality.
V's words:
spinning slow backwards infinite spelling happening individual time backwards flimming peaceful shaunujh begats tambuly twinning degas shinning campy ti(l)(n)y honestly channeling camplax (kept hearing A LOT) zinning cheesaw dehalb mimmisk keetans zhidee intumisudue zhigurrat hemply teemax shinmy kimplax tidee sheon tuffaw tomer alegall sampla tiam bojan que tiasca hamatrae tomaeska sombatuiasa constantly allow flatulate tampianos te eonos"
After we mostly came down from the LSD, V and I had some DXM again (354mg). Somehow though, she fell asleep and I was left by myself with the internet. This is when I really slipped into a manic state of true belief. I remember that some pretty weird things happened this night. I remember a few times where I tried to write to people online about what I was experiencing, and when I tried to motivate people (who I knew were accepting of ideas like this) and tell them that if they truly believed in themselves, they could accomplish anything, sometimes when I was writing the most important things, my messages would randomly not go through and show a strange error message that I'd never seen before. I started to get the feeling that my online messages were perhaps being monitored because I had picked up on some huge secret of the universe, the belief = truth secret that the people at the top used to control the masses. I felt that they did not want people knowing this secret to reality, as the more people knew it, the harder it would be to stop an uprising against their power. Somehow as I looked at the news feed on Facebook, everything that was popping up had to do with the things I was thinking about. There were so many synchronicities and everybody seemed to be in high spirits. I liked the positive energy wave, and I logged in to one of the Facebook pages I had created for the concept of intent manifestation. I started adding everybody that I knew on the page to spread the word! (I had also thought about the significance of the phrase "God's Word".) I started posting a bunch of new statuses on my own page- I remember that a few of them said, "NONDUALISM", "Intuition = Logic", and "Turning the feedback loop around". I also started promoting the new holiday that V and I had thought up. I'd gotten the idea in my head that the 37s and 73s that had been showing up to me nonstop the past half a year had a meaning, and that the holiday V and I were creating should be on 3/7 for this reason. Several people who hadn't spoken to me in years messaged me, and I found significance in this. I kept on speaking to people about important things regarding nondualism, the importance of belief and not falling into the brainwashing features of the media. As I mentioned before, when I would write certain important things, I would get unfamiliar error messages. Then, my computer charge started dropping down very rapidly (I swear that what I am about to write actually happened). The computer was still plugged in, so I wasn't sure why this was happening and it didn't make any sense! I tried to sit and meditate and will the electricity to work with me and charge the computer so that I didn't lose my link to the outer world (as the computer had started to seem like a conscious entity, as I rationalized that our brains and other living things worked on electrical impulses, so why couldn't electricity be a form of consciousness?) As some of my messages were not going through, I entertained the idea of the outer world being the same as the inner world as the micro level reflected the macro level and vice versa, and thought that perhaps eventually I would gain the ability to psychically communicate with people. I caught myself here though and wondered if this was true or not. Then I realized that self-doubt was the biggest enemy of all. I started thinking about Heaven and Hell; Good and Evil, and thought about how doubt was a product of Evil. I thought to myself that humor was a defense mechanism that people had developed in order to shield themselves from evil, and that humor was the best thing that had come from the root of evil in order to help humanity to cope; kind of like how with all good things comes a worry that one could lose everything and with all bad things comes a hope that things will get better. At the same time, with my nondualistic beliefs, I continued to think to myself that good and bad could be reconciled as one and the same in a sense, ultimately. Darkness did not have to be a 'bad' thing. I thought that I could choose for myself what I saw as good or bad, but at the same time I was deadset against anybody using negativity to control the masses. I figured that since I was being censored, the best thing that I could do was tune my self to the electrical signals of the computer and continue to work with it so that the computer would stop losing its charge. I remember that it got down to 9%, and at that point I downloaded a new EP that an acquaintance of mine who is very interested in renewable energy had just released. When I started playing one of his songs on the EP, the charge on the computer started going up again! I got very excited by this and put the song on loop and noticed that, RELIABLY, at certain parts of the song, the battery charge percentage would go up very quickly, and at other parts it would stand still. I figured that the conscious intentions he had put into his creation was what was causing the improvement in energy, as I have mentioned he was very interested in renewable energy as a career (besides making music). This made perfect sense to me, and I continued working on spreading the word. With the song on loop, the computer's charge eventually reached 100%, what it should have been staying at all along as the computer had been plugged in the entire time. A little bit after this though, all of my messages stopped going through and I couldn't say anything to anybody. I tried for a good 5 minutes or so, and then I tried waking V up and asking her to "scramble the static". Another weird thing is, it appeared to work! After she woke up and I told her to do this, my messages started going through again.
I didn't mention that this entire time, we had been taking periodic N2O and DMT trips. My N2O experiences, I used to "plant seeds of idea" and most of these experiences were similar, but I focused on different thoughts for each one. My DMT experiences were all pretty different in content, but they all pointed towards the same things that I have been writing about here, save one experience where I started channeling those automatic mudras that I always get and my hands and arms were moving under what seemed to be someone else's control. During this experience, I looked over at the Alex Grey poster I had set up in the room of Cosmic Christ, and 'realized' that the Cosmic Christ entity was what was controlling my arms that time. It was SUCH a weird feeling to 'realize' this, and I thought it was simply amazing! Because the DMT bong's slide got so hot, however, I ended up burning 5/10 of my fingers pretty badly and huge blisters were forming on my fingertips. This detail is important because of something I will mention later.
I sent a really stupid text message this night that I later regretted! It related to a delusion I had one of the times I smoked DMT on the DXM that night after V had gone to sleep. This was not my proudest moment, but all the same, looking back on this moment tells me that I wouldn't have been thinking about this during the trip if it weren't deeply important to me. I was thinking about psychedelic research, because I am big into that field… and despite the seemingly crazy things I am talking about having done during this week-long journey, I have had many healing experiences (including this one; this just was an atypical journey where I didn't exercise much self control, but it still taught me a whole lot about myself and has changed my outlook on life very positively). During the DMT experience, I honestly believed that something had been unlocked and that psychedelic therapy had been made legal in the waking life through my actions and the actions of others in the dream realm. Coming down from the trip, I sent a text message to a friend of mine who is an extremely high-up figure in the field of psychedelic research. The text was telling him to broadcast a message that psychedelic therapy was now legal- and believe me, if psychedelic therapy were made legal, he would be one of the first to know! [The next day, I apologized to him about the text message. We seemed to laugh it off, and since this experience it doesn't seem to have had a negative impact on the way he thinks of me. Still though, this definitely reinforced the point that I should not be messaging people, especially colleagues, when journeying to these far off places. This was extremely strange and out of character for me, as usually when I'm tripping I don't feel the need to send messages to people who aren't around and am aware no matter what to use discernment when speaking to other people in those states of mind. I guess that since I had been tripping for days at a time, my mind state had completely shifted and the lines were really blurring between reality and mere idea.]
So… that night, I wrote a whole lot in our notebook and channeled some songs that I heard in my head and enacted some symbolic mudras and motions. These motions and songs and words that we had been channeling were, I believed, helping us to build the universe and create positive things. In my mind's eye, I could see how everything immaterial linked up to the material through a metaphorical language. Eventually, I went to sleep. In my dreams, I was still aware of where my physical body was located as I traveled to various places in the dreams making things happen with nothing but pure belief. I would find myself inhabiting multiple locations all at once, always aware of where my physical body was resting in the collective memory reality. This also seemed to be an important feature of intent manifestation.
This next day is not going to be as detailed as the last one, because a lot of time has passed since the experience and I don't completely remember all that happened this day or the order it happened in. I do know that we decided to start the trip off that day with some MDMA I had been saving. I had 3 capsules, each with 120mg. We planned to each have an 120mg capsule and then split the third capsule in half for a booster dose an hour and a half in. And we did so. During the MDMA experience, V and I talked a lot about the same ideas that we had been fixated on, as well as shared a lot of life stories. We took an epsom salt bath during the come-up of the experience, I remember. We talked so much during this experience, and the MDMA part of it went by quickly. About 4-5 hours in, we knew that we would be coming down in about an hour or so… so we decided to eat some mushrooms. We didn't weigh out the mushrooms this time; we just started eating them out of the bag. I would guess we ate around 3 grams each, but there is no way to know for sure. We were munching on them for a good while. I usually make mushrooms in tea, but we hadn't known that we'd be eating them beforehand and we wanted to have them before we came down on the MDMA. Interestingly enough, they didn't hurt my stomach at all. I think that because I was on such an emotional high, physical pain was either impossible or just not even noticable. The mushrooms definitely extended the loved up MDMA feeling, and I had an experience of intense revelry, still focusing on positive intentions and intuitions. V prepared an IM injection of DPT, and administered it for me. I was too much in another reality to do the same for her, so she did the same for herself. The DPT sent me into another intense ego death type experience, which was just as beautiful as it had been for the previous duration of the longer journey.
When I was functional enough to do so, I prepared some DMT. During my experience, I had an enactment where I banished self-doubt to "hell" (not in the well-known or literal sense of the idea, but a place where negativity could go to dwell). I did this so that my ideas and manifestations could soar and not be bogged down by doubt. I felt at the time that doubt was the worst thing that I could possibly foster, sort of like the idea of "fear is the mind killer". This was an incredibly meaningful experience for me (the whole journey was, but I think that this was particularly important), and to this day I have had much more belief in myself and my capabilities. I have come far in life and improved my circumstances greatly since this experience, I believe partially because of this enhanced mind state and banishing of self doubt.
Take note that I had gotten to the point where, between the *actual* tripping, I was still in a mindset of grandeur and was still thinking a lot about the same concepts I had been during my trips. It wasn't like I came down from the grandiose thoughts between the trips; it was a persisting mind state. One strange thing that happened this day, especially later on, was that I kept needing various objects… and I didn't know where they were at, but my intuition would guide me towards them. We were staying at my friend L's house, who has a ton of boxes piled up everywhere. When I needed something and felt that he would have it, my intuition would strangely guide me right towards the box that I needed, and I would look inside and find what I needed. This happened several times.
The next day, we took a break from taking any psychedelics. We talked and wrote about many of our ideas. We slept a lot and wrote down a lot of our dreams.
The day after this, I hadn't planned on taking any psychedelics… but I had a terrible migraine and I wanted to test the idea of whether tryptamines helped for migraines. I had a small dose of 4-ho-DiPT (about 10mg; I figured that this wouldn't do much due to what I assumed would be a massive tolerance at this point). This trip ended up being much stronger than I'd thought it would be. It got right rid of my migraine! But it sent me back into having those extremely grandiose thoughts. I decided to smoke some DMT, and I stated an intention before my experience this time. I wanted to learn how to differentiate between delusions and grandeur; to use discernment in a useful way. DMT, with its strange sense of humor, during the come-down led me to film a video of my fingers, which were all burnt. I honestly thought that I could will my blisters away (some Jesus type stuff), and started filming a video to prove it. After a few minutes, I realized what I was doing and had an intense "WTF" moment. I felt pretty stupid! I laughed at the experience, though; the DMT had given me an entirely delusional experience to show me an example of the kind of thought that I should not follow. This was a grounding experience, and after this I read over everything I'd written and V and I started finding ways to apply all of our ideas to reality in tangible and useful ways. (V had not taken any psychedelics this day.)
Now here were a couple of days where I went to V's house, and then I went home by myself as I had been taking kratom every day during the long trip, plus I had been taking opiates on/off for months before this… I wanted to detox from this and not take any drugs for a while. V had given me some capsules with iboga extract that she had gotten from a trusted and reputable vendor. I do not know the dose, but she had taken these before and had recommended this amount of capsules to me (there were 4 capsules). I took these 4 capsules, and began what seemed to be a trip of recollection and more grounding. It took about an hour for me to get first alerts, and a good few more hours to feel the iboga completely. I had taken iboga once before this and had a good experience. This was NOT nearly a flood dose, I must mention. For the first 6 hours of the experience, I felt extremely dysphoric and I actually felt a propensity to believe in duality and separateness rather than nonduality. It was as if all the things I'd been thinking about had been reversed, and I was extremely confused. I felt that all of the things I'd been thinking about during the spirit journey had possibly been delusions, and I was feeling really depressed! At some point, this all turned around. I had smoked some weed, and I was sitting on the bed just meditating. I opened my eyes and looked around the room, and it was almost as if everything suddenly 'clicked' and all of these strange reversed thoughts I'd been having united with all of the thoughts I'd been thinking about in the days leading up to this. Through this, I achieved a true joining of opposites in my own mind. When everything clicked, it felt like everything was in place! Throughout this experience, I gathered and compartmentalized all of the strange and interesting things that I had been thinking about throughout the duration of the spirit journey. This trip brought me back down to earth in a sense, yet that self that I reintegrated was now enhanced by the power of self belief and other new systems of thought that I knew would aid me in my day to day life. It was simply amazing. My friend L came into the room, and I told him all about the things I'd been thinking about the past week. He told me that I seemed incredibly articulate, and told me that iboga seemed to enhance my capacity for self expression, especially through language. He suggested that I record myself so that I could remember how I was acting, and so I did. Watching it later, it definitely appeared that he was right. I called my dad at one point while I was on iboga, and spoke to him about all sorts of philosophical things. When he challenged me, I could tap into his systems of belief and thought and say just the right thing to help him to understand where I was coming from. This was an incredibly productive conversation, as was the entire iboga trip. After this, I also stopped using opiates habitually.
This entire experience cultivated a whole lot within me. It left me with a whole new understanding of how manifestation works, how to use discernment, how to better tap into the intentions of others so as to use language as a type of spiritual alchemy, and of course, as I mentioned I felt a lot more belief in my self (as my self was and is a part of the greater whole intelligence, there is no reason to doubt my self)! Ever since this experience, I've been having more meaningful psychedelic experiences than ever when I do partake. I hope that reading this long report has provoked thought, light and inspiration in you, the reader and the receiver of the transmission. Now, let us continue to manifest in this reality together!
Creative Title that Wouldn't Fit:
10 Day Journey of Manifestation and Nonduality
Subject:
Gender: F
Weight: 95 lb.
Mindset: adventurous, relieved, just having come out of a depression and life was getting much better.
Dosing timeline:
~each day, about 4 grams of kratom~
Day 1: 4-ho-MiPT 10mg at hotel
Day 2: DXM 354mg on the way home, DMT + 4-ho-MiPT ?mg
Day 3: DXM 354mg + 4-ho-MiPT ?mg + n2o + DMT multiple times
Day 4: LSD (one hit on candy hearts) + mushrooms .8g + DPT 12mg insufflated / DPT 10mg insufflated 1 hour later + n2o + DMT multiple times + DXM 354mg
Day 5: MDMA 120mg + 60mg booster + mushrooms 3g + DPT 23mg IM + DMT multiple times + n2o
Day 6: ~skip a day~
Day 7: 4-ho-DiPT 10mg for migraine, DMT once
Days 8, 9: skip 2 days, go to V's house
Day 10: Iboga.
Notes: Went through a total of 3 grams of DMT split between us, and cannabis consumed daily
The Experience:
My new partner V and I had just had a wonderful day in Massachusetts. We had gone to a psytrance party the night before where we had seen a bunch of our friends. It had been an important night for us because it was our first time going to one of these events since we had gotten together. Additionally, we had both decided to soon move to a different town together, so this was kind of a good way to see all our mutual friends one more time before we left town. The next day, the day of the first (psychedelic) trip, we had spent the afternoon having an early dinner with a colleague in my field that I admire and look up to. I felt that the day had been successful and fun, so I was in a good mindset still when night came around. Even though check out time was at 11AM and we were exhausted, we decided to have a small dose of 4-ho-DiPT because we thought it'd be nice to trip in a hotel while traveling - we agreed that tripping while traveling was always awesome fun. We took the 4-ho-DiPT around 10PM, knowing that we would probably be down and able to get to sleep around 3AM. That way, we'd still get enough rest to drive the 6 hours home the next morning. During this trip, we spent the time before and during the early come-up wandering around the hotel just looking at the different rooms (not the private rooms, but more like laundry rooms, vending rooms, various amenities in the kitchen, etc…) I remember speaking to the guy at the front desk of the hotel, and I asked him if it was his birthday, because when I had made hotel reservations, the guy on the other end of the line had told me that his birthday was going to be on one of the days that I was booking for. I'd had a feeling that it was him, and it turned out that I was right. We had a short conversation, and he seemed friendly. I felt myself coming up a lot more by this point after our little excursion. We went to the hotel room and cuddled and tranced out, talking about the events of the day. I asked her how she thought that things had seemed between me and my colleague. She responded saying that she felt that everything had gone well, and I agreed. I felt incredibly thankful to be there, with her, on this road trip. I finally felt the freedom that I had longed for, for such a long time, and I realized that depriving myself of freedom for such a long time had been completely worth it, because now I couldn't help but appreciate and savor every moment of freedom that I was now experiencing. I remember V and I getting in the shower and trancing out for a while… this was just a very trancy trip in general, as 4-ho-MiPT usually seems to provide in my experience. We sat in the shower just letting the water drip off of us, and meditated in a blissed out state. At some point, V told me that I didn't look quite human; I instead looked like some sort of elven creature. The trip was relatively mild, and we were able to get to sleep without any problem and got up on time the next morning feeling refreshed.
That morning, we got all of our stuff together and hit the road. On the highway, we each had about 4 grams of kratom and smoked a bowl of weed, which kicked in a lot of residual trippiness from the night before (this tends to happen for me when I smoke cannabis the day after having a psychedelic trip). V and I must have thoroughly been enjoying feeling so trippy on the ride back, because we somehow came up with the random idea to take some DXM. I had only recently (the past two months) become more interested in DXM. I had originally started taking it to help with mild opiate withdrawals when I was dealing with that, but I had liked the way it made me think and speak. I liked how it tended to provide me with a lot of rational yet sometimes grandiose insights. So we stopped at a pharmacy on the way back and got two bottles of DXM. We split the first bottle in half when we had about 2 hours left of our car ride. Because V was/is supremely experienced with dissociatives (whereas tryptamines are more so my specialty), I let her do the driving… My eyesight tends to get messed up on DXM, but hers doesn't. We stopped at a rest stop so that our other friend who was driving back with us (I'll call this friend A) could use the bathroom. When we went into the rest stop, I was noticing a bunch of strange and twisted things. It was also fun to watch the interactions between strangers. When we ordered some food, I noticed some guy at a table off to the side making a really weird face at his friend across the table. He was baring his teeth in an animalistic way, and I found it to be funny so I did the same thing towards him, thinking that he wasn't looking over at me and wouldn't see. In my luck, he happened to turn his head directly towards me right as I did it! Judging by his expression, he seemed weirded out.. but I just laughed it off. As we were leaving the rest stop, I saw one of those kids' machines where you put a quarter in and win a toy of some sort. This one said "STRETCHY ALIENS!!"… and I told A (who is obsessed with aliens) that we both ought to get one. He seemed kinda skeptical, but all the same kept laughing at the silliness of the idea. We each ended up getting one as a souvenir of our trip to Massachusetts! And we continued our road trip, listening to a bunch of amazing music and having funny conversations. I didn't feel like going home at all, even though I was tired from not getting much sleep during our road trip. V and I started talking about the possibility of stopping at a state park and going hiking, but then we considered the fact that the sun was going down and though it had been sunny and warmer earlier, it was going to be pretty cold once the sun went down.. and on top of that, there was still about a foot of snow left on the ground. Still though, I felt like I wasn't actually going home yet; I got the feeling that a lot more was in store for us. And well, in a way it turned out I was more than correct! I remember ending up in a grocery store again at some point with V and A, and just laughing at pretty much everything we saw. We dropped A off at his house, and then split the second bottle of DXM. I remember stopping at Wal-Mart to get something we needed, and after we went back to V's car in the parking lot, she showed me how her seats folded back in a way where we could lay down and "camp out" there. We laid there together for a good half an hour just trancing out; I felt like I might even be able to fall asleep! But instead we just rested for a little while and emerged from that rest feeling a bit more rejuvenated. At some point after we got back to V's house, she gave me some gummy vitamins and just randomly put them in my mouth. I found this to be a little bit strange, not to mention the fact that the vitamins had an extremely bitter chemical taste to them.
I was fairly certain that she had dosed me with one of the tryptamines that we'd had in our bag… It HAD to be that.. well, either that or things were just tasting extremely strange because I was tripping. It turned out to be the former, as I very quickly realized. It was a little bit uncomfortably stimulating at first, but I think that this is only because I'd been tripping for a while and was just exhausted from traveling all day. I decided to just lay down, and I basically just tranced out watching extremely vivid sequences of imagery in my mind, floating in and out of my body, visiting various and diverse places that ranged from environments of my past to completely unrecognizable and surreal terrains. I tripped like this for a couple of hours (we both did), and then somehow just drifted off and fell asleep eventually.The next day, we decided to continue our journey because we'd already begun to snowball. I hadn't ever had the kind of snowball experience I'd longed to have on psychedelics, so I think we both just felt as if it was the right time and so we kept going. We first went out to get the supplies we needed, including the DXM and also some nitrous oxide. After returning home, we had the DXM in the same fashion as the day before; we split a bottle and then split another bottle about an hour or two later. During the come up after drinking the first bottle, we were messing around on Ableton Live and playing with some harps V had laying around. V had made an annoyingly persistent sound on Live that just kept playing and never stopping, and at the same time she was playing a lower-pitched harp. I was playing a higher-pitched harp, and the music sounded extremely discordant and haunting. I remember feeling so confused and sloppy, but all the same so relaxed and wonderful! I enjoyed the sort of 'twisted' feeling I was getting from the music we were making. We then took a bath in her parents' larger tub, and we started talking about flotation tanks. We talked about how since my dad is a plumber, he could either build us a flotation tank, or we could start up some sort of flotation center which he could build the tanks for. I zoned out pretty fully in the bath, and was having a bit of trouble walking around ("robo walk", but not all that bad). Then we split our second bottle of DXM after getting out of the tub. I laid down for this come-up, and in less than ten minutes I noticed I was starting to feel surges in my body typical to those of a tryptamine. I mentioned this to V, and she laughed and told me that she had dosed me with 4-ho-MiPT yet again (put it in the bottle of DXM). I was pleasantly surprised that she'd done this, because I had always wanted a partner to completely surprise-dose me. Coming up on the 4-ho-MiPT and DXM was pretty overwhelming though to say the least! I started feeling a little nauseous at one point, and had to lie down. After the nausea passed, I just felt nothing short of wonderful (once again). I was getting the most beautiful visions and having more out of body experiences. I started thinking about a thing I call 'intent manifestation' (the conscious thinking up of ideas into tangible existence) and remembering a bunch of synchronicities that had recently seemed to fit together so well. This is when the grandiose thoughts (and sometimes delusions of grandeur) started. These kinds of thoughts continued on throughout the entire week-long spirit journey. In fact, this 'intent manifestation' phenomenon is what we (especially I, probably) became rather fixated on for the rest of the duration of our spirit journey.
That night, we decided to smoke DMT and ended up snowballing with that, too (big surprise- I tended to snowball with everything with V)! I did DMT a few times this night, but there is only one time that I can write about with certainty. I felt like every moment of my life was happening at once, or more so, I was a space that is oh so familiar to me (I've been here on many trips; it is a space particular to the times where I mix tryptamines and dissociatives). It was one of those experiences where I felt like, though true all the time, everything in my life had been leading up to that one moment of importance. It was a 'peak experience' in every sense of the psychological definition. But this wasn't just an ordinary moment- it was a moment outside of time. I felt like I was living in my truest home, and it felt wonderful. As I came back from the experience, V said that she wished she had been recording me as my hand motions and facial expressions had cycled through ones of perplexing interest, of confusion, of pure bliss. She said that often I'd alternated between looking as if I'd been trying to make sense of stuff and figure things out, and then I would "twist and turn a few knobs" and beam in excitement at what ever it was that I'd just tweaked. I felt so happy to be alive as I came down from the DMT. Apparently I hadn't always been responsive to the nitrous balloon that V had been trying to feed me during the experience; usually with DMT, even if I'm no longer aware of my body, I am somehow able to do two things: 1.) Smoke more DMT and 2.) Inhale nitrous balloons. (I'd once had an experience a couple of years back where I was playing a flute on top of a castle, but actually I'd been hitting the DMT pipe the entire experience.) It made sense to me that I'd been unable to do it this time, as I'd truly felt as if I'd been outside of the space/time continuum during this last ecstatic experience. V had an ecstatic experience too, but couldn't remember details. After the DXM and 4-ho-MiPT wore off, we went to sleep this night planning to drive the 2 hours down to my place the next morning.
And travel, we did. The drive went by quickly the next morning, and when we got to my apartment we decided to try some new LSD we had gotten from my local friends the previous week. They had mentioned that it was "some of the most visual acid they had ever tried", whatever they could attribute that to. They were right, we soon found out, and we were inclined to attribute the strong visuals to the fact that this LSD was just strong in general. I tend to take low doses of LSD in particular, so this time I got visuals of an intensity that I usually didn't get with LSD. The entire room looked like it was made of prismatic crystals, and I could see everything shining. The walls looked like they had shadows of wind chimes and other sparkly decorations covering every bit of empty space. I felt like I was living in a crystal cave. The experience felt incredibly pure and we were both beaming with bliss. About an hour after taking the LSD, we started making our mushroom tea; we had decided on a little less than a gram of Cambodian mushrooms that I had helped my previous partner and good friend to grow ourselves. I knew that these mushrooms were particularly potent, so I knew that I didn't need a huge dose to implement the acid, and V was one of the few people who I could trip with and take the same doses with, as we seemed to have a similar psychedelic tolerance for a change (that was nice). We drank the tea so that we would peak on the LSD around the same time we were starting to peak on the mushrooms. I found that the mushrooms went even better with the LSD than 4-ho-DiPT or 4-AcO-DiPT did (previously my favorite things to mix LSD with). During this experience, I started becoming even more fascinated with the intent manifestation concept, which was basically the idea that we could intend things into existence with pure and powerful wills. My good friend DB had explained this concept to me previously on a combination of MDMA and N2O a couple of years back, as I had been thinking about things that I really wanted to will into existence during this experience too and this was the first time I had really taken this concept seriously. I do believe in this concept as it is similar to well-known magickal practices (which I hadn't heard of or read about at the time), but we started taking it a little too far if you ask me (at the current time). I got the notebook that V and I shared, and I started writing down things that I intended to happen, such as for good things to happen for my friends and family and myself (like for my parents to get along better, for myself to work hard to get into graduate school, for the human race to not blow itself up in a war). I started visualizing a gigantic feedback loop that represented the power of the rulers of the world ("men behind the curtains") and their intent to gain corrupt power and control over mankind, and the intentions of all the good people in the world were basically fighting against this unfortunately powerful negative (in both the 'bad' sense of the word and the term physics-wise) feedback loop that had apparently gotten set into motion along with the beginning of the first banks, the modern government, and dare I say, the "New World Order". I told V about the feedback loop and manifestation practices, and with my manic motivational speech, gradually she got on the roll with me as she had also had some very similar ideas in the past and we found this to mean something too. We both talked about turning around the powerful feedback loop into a more positive and happy one, and wondered if people would know it was apparently us who were turning it around. She told me about a time when she had believed she was.. I think an incarnate of Jesus? years ago, during a time when she was doing a lot of ketamine, and we talked about the importance of language and discernment as she had put some people off by talking about outlandish things during this past time period. I agreed here, and later on that night while talking to people I tried to use discernment and careful language so as to not come off as "crazy" to my friends and acquaintances over Facebook. Some key things that we were thinking about and ranting on about were: religion, Dionysus, Jesus, merging the dream realm and the linear waking life (the 'collective memory reality' as I like to call it), the big symbolic feedback loop that represented the state of our greater consciousness, nondualism, the media, brainwashing and censorship, renewable energy, electricity = consciousness, creating our own holiday (a holiday for appreciating the universe and all consciousness), metaphor and symbolism. About 4 hours after taking the mushrooms, we decided to have 12mg of DPT (insufflated). About an hour later, we had 10mg more of DPT. During this time, I am pretty sure I had an out of body experience… but all the same, my subconscious mind was still fixated on turning around the big feedback loop and saving humanity from the clutches of corrupt power and evil. Around the end of this experience, I remembered my religious upbringing and visualized the current time like an elevator block (that is the best way I can describe it), and V and I were on the cusp of it in a new era, in a new block, moving and evolving through time and space. I interpreted this as that we were all humans made in the image of divine Intelligence, therefore we could become Godlike ourselves and turn things around for the world as long as we truly believed in ourselves. I took what I was experiencing as a validation that religion came from an ultimate truth, yet I did not feel that organized religion was the answer. Still though, I remember thinking something along the lines of, "Wow, religion wasn't all bullshit at all. It makes perfect sense and I have proof." V kept saying that she was hearing a bunch of voices all talking at once. I took this to mean that she was picking up on the collective thought of humanity, as I still had the feedback loop in my mind. I remember her telling me some of the 'words' she could make out, and I wrote them all down in our notebook. I remembered Terence McKenna saying, "The world is made out of words." While V was hearing words, conversation and static, I was hearing songs playing in my head. I remember that I would tell her to "scramble the static" so that nobody could pick up on what we were doing. I continued to write things down in our notebook… Here are some of the things I wrote, but I can't put all of them here for personal reasons:
"It will be so…
-I can bring together good and evil and choose.
-My mom will let others' insults and opinions slide off of her, and she will find a revelation and purpose in life and not be afraid anymore.
-My dad will feel an intense flood of emotion and realize now to relate to my mom and not belittle her.
-The people at the top will be able to start collaborating and will discover empathy for those they control instead of using the world as a stage to fuck with. Change in ripple of actions.
-People will have a generally more psychedelic outlook.
-The media will no longer be used as the dangerous brainwashing it is to susceptible minds.
-I will no longer be unsure. I will believe.
-L (friend of mine) will be able to let go of his OCD and have revelations about life and be happier.
-M (friend of mine who is facing legal charges) will get off easy and not have to do time.
-JM, DK and AH will be master chemists and synthesize anything for us and they will believe in themselves and the Universe
-Psychedelic therapy will be legal and help the world; the people at the top will help and realize the good instead of wanting to use it for corruption
-The Dream Realm and the Physical Realm will be one…
-V will be successful at channeling these words, and through that abstract realm, she will be a world bridget. Her music will change the way people see the world
-Everything I write with positive intention will be manifested into reality.
V's words:
spinning slow backwards infinite spelling happening individual time backwards flimming peaceful shaunujh begats tambuly twinning degas shinning campy ti(l)(n)y honestly channeling camplax (kept hearing A LOT) zinning cheesaw dehalb mimmisk keetans zhidee intumisudue zhigurrat hemply teemax shinmy kimplax tidee sheon tuffaw tomer alegall sampla tiam bojan que tiasca hamatrae tomaeska sombatuiasa constantly allow flatulate tampianos te eonos"
After we mostly came down from the LSD, V and I had some DXM again (354mg). Somehow though, she fell asleep and I was left by myself with the internet. This is when I really slipped into a manic state of true belief. I remember that some pretty weird things happened this night. I remember a few times where I tried to write to people online about what I was experiencing, and when I tried to motivate people (who I knew were accepting of ideas like this) and tell them that if they truly believed in themselves, they could accomplish anything, sometimes when I was writing the most important things, my messages would randomly not go through and show a strange error message that I'd never seen before. I started to get the feeling that my online messages were perhaps being monitored because I had picked up on some huge secret of the universe, the belief = truth secret that the people at the top used to control the masses. I felt that they did not want people knowing this secret to reality, as the more people knew it, the harder it would be to stop an uprising against their power. Somehow as I looked at the news feed on Facebook, everything that was popping up had to do with the things I was thinking about. There were so many synchronicities and everybody seemed to be in high spirits. I liked the positive energy wave, and I logged in to one of the Facebook pages I had created for the concept of intent manifestation. I started adding everybody that I knew on the page to spread the word! (I had also thought about the significance of the phrase "God's Word".) I started posting a bunch of new statuses on my own page- I remember that a few of them said, "NONDUALISM", "Intuition = Logic", and "Turning the feedback loop around". I also started promoting the new holiday that V and I had thought up. I'd gotten the idea in my head that the 37s and 73s that had been showing up to me nonstop the past half a year had a meaning, and that the holiday V and I were creating should be on 3/7 for this reason. Several people who hadn't spoken to me in years messaged me, and I found significance in this. I kept on speaking to people about important things regarding nondualism, the importance of belief and not falling into the brainwashing features of the media. As I mentioned before, when I would write certain important things, I would get unfamiliar error messages. Then, my computer charge started dropping down very rapidly (I swear that what I am about to write actually happened). The computer was still plugged in, so I wasn't sure why this was happening and it didn't make any sense! I tried to sit and meditate and will the electricity to work with me and charge the computer so that I didn't lose my link to the outer world (as the computer had started to seem like a conscious entity, as I rationalized that our brains and other living things worked on electrical impulses, so why couldn't electricity be a form of consciousness?) As some of my messages were not going through, I entertained the idea of the outer world being the same as the inner world as the micro level reflected the macro level and vice versa, and thought that perhaps eventually I would gain the ability to psychically communicate with people. I caught myself here though and wondered if this was true or not. Then I realized that self-doubt was the biggest enemy of all. I started thinking about Heaven and Hell; Good and Evil, and thought about how doubt was a product of Evil. I thought to myself that humor was a defense mechanism that people had developed in order to shield themselves from evil, and that humor was the best thing that had come from the root of evil in order to help humanity to cope; kind of like how with all good things comes a worry that one could lose everything and with all bad things comes a hope that things will get better. At the same time, with my nondualistic beliefs, I continued to think to myself that good and bad could be reconciled as one and the same in a sense, ultimately. Darkness did not have to be a 'bad' thing. I thought that I could choose for myself what I saw as good or bad, but at the same time I was deadset against anybody using negativity to control the masses. I figured that since I was being censored, the best thing that I could do was tune my self to the electrical signals of the computer and continue to work with it so that the computer would stop losing its charge. I remember that it got down to 9%, and at that point I downloaded a new EP that an acquaintance of mine who is very interested in renewable energy had just released. When I started playing one of his songs on the EP, the charge on the computer started going up again! I got very excited by this and put the song on loop and noticed that, RELIABLY, at certain parts of the song, the battery charge percentage would go up very quickly, and at other parts it would stand still. I figured that the conscious intentions he had put into his creation was what was causing the improvement in energy, as I have mentioned he was very interested in renewable energy as a career (besides making music). This made perfect sense to me, and I continued working on spreading the word. With the song on loop, the computer's charge eventually reached 100%, what it should have been staying at all along as the computer had been plugged in the entire time. A little bit after this though, all of my messages stopped going through and I couldn't say anything to anybody. I tried for a good 5 minutes or so, and then I tried waking V up and asking her to "scramble the static". Another weird thing is, it appeared to work! After she woke up and I told her to do this, my messages started going through again.
I didn't mention that this entire time, we had been taking periodic N2O and DMT trips. My N2O experiences, I used to "plant seeds of idea" and most of these experiences were similar, but I focused on different thoughts for each one. My DMT experiences were all pretty different in content, but they all pointed towards the same things that I have been writing about here, save one experience where I started channeling those automatic mudras that I always get and my hands and arms were moving under what seemed to be someone else's control. During this experience, I looked over at the Alex Grey poster I had set up in the room of Cosmic Christ, and 'realized' that the Cosmic Christ entity was what was controlling my arms that time. It was SUCH a weird feeling to 'realize' this, and I thought it was simply amazing! Because the DMT bong's slide got so hot, however, I ended up burning 5/10 of my fingers pretty badly and huge blisters were forming on my fingertips. This detail is important because of something I will mention later.
I sent a really stupid text message this night that I later regretted! It related to a delusion I had one of the times I smoked DMT on the DXM that night after V had gone to sleep. This was not my proudest moment, but all the same, looking back on this moment tells me that I wouldn't have been thinking about this during the trip if it weren't deeply important to me. I was thinking about psychedelic research, because I am big into that field… and despite the seemingly crazy things I am talking about having done during this week-long journey, I have had many healing experiences (including this one; this just was an atypical journey where I didn't exercise much self control, but it still taught me a whole lot about myself and has changed my outlook on life very positively). During the DMT experience, I honestly believed that something had been unlocked and that psychedelic therapy had been made legal in the waking life through my actions and the actions of others in the dream realm. Coming down from the trip, I sent a text message to a friend of mine who is an extremely high-up figure in the field of psychedelic research. The text was telling him to broadcast a message that psychedelic therapy was now legal- and believe me, if psychedelic therapy were made legal, he would be one of the first to know! [The next day, I apologized to him about the text message. We seemed to laugh it off, and since this experience it doesn't seem to have had a negative impact on the way he thinks of me. Still though, this definitely reinforced the point that I should not be messaging people, especially colleagues, when journeying to these far off places. This was extremely strange and out of character for me, as usually when I'm tripping I don't feel the need to send messages to people who aren't around and am aware no matter what to use discernment when speaking to other people in those states of mind. I guess that since I had been tripping for days at a time, my mind state had completely shifted and the lines were really blurring between reality and mere idea.]
So… that night, I wrote a whole lot in our notebook and channeled some songs that I heard in my head and enacted some symbolic mudras and motions. These motions and songs and words that we had been channeling were, I believed, helping us to build the universe and create positive things. In my mind's eye, I could see how everything immaterial linked up to the material through a metaphorical language. Eventually, I went to sleep. In my dreams, I was still aware of where my physical body was located as I traveled to various places in the dreams making things happen with nothing but pure belief. I would find myself inhabiting multiple locations all at once, always aware of where my physical body was resting in the collective memory reality. This also seemed to be an important feature of intent manifestation.
This next day is not going to be as detailed as the last one, because a lot of time has passed since the experience and I don't completely remember all that happened this day or the order it happened in. I do know that we decided to start the trip off that day with some MDMA I had been saving. I had 3 capsules, each with 120mg. We planned to each have an 120mg capsule and then split the third capsule in half for a booster dose an hour and a half in. And we did so. During the MDMA experience, V and I talked a lot about the same ideas that we had been fixated on, as well as shared a lot of life stories. We took an epsom salt bath during the come-up of the experience, I remember. We talked so much during this experience, and the MDMA part of it went by quickly. About 4-5 hours in, we knew that we would be coming down in about an hour or so… so we decided to eat some mushrooms. We didn't weigh out the mushrooms this time; we just started eating them out of the bag. I would guess we ate around 3 grams each, but there is no way to know for sure. We were munching on them for a good while. I usually make mushrooms in tea, but we hadn't known that we'd be eating them beforehand and we wanted to have them before we came down on the MDMA. Interestingly enough, they didn't hurt my stomach at all. I think that because I was on such an emotional high, physical pain was either impossible or just not even noticable. The mushrooms definitely extended the loved up MDMA feeling, and I had an experience of intense revelry, still focusing on positive intentions and intuitions. V prepared an IM injection of DPT, and administered it for me. I was too much in another reality to do the same for her, so she did the same for herself. The DPT sent me into another intense ego death type experience, which was just as beautiful as it had been for the previous duration of the longer journey.
When I was functional enough to do so, I prepared some DMT. During my experience, I had an enactment where I banished self-doubt to "hell" (not in the well-known or literal sense of the idea, but a place where negativity could go to dwell). I did this so that my ideas and manifestations could soar and not be bogged down by doubt. I felt at the time that doubt was the worst thing that I could possibly foster, sort of like the idea of "fear is the mind killer". This was an incredibly meaningful experience for me (the whole journey was, but I think that this was particularly important), and to this day I have had much more belief in myself and my capabilities. I have come far in life and improved my circumstances greatly since this experience, I believe partially because of this enhanced mind state and banishing of self doubt.
Take note that I had gotten to the point where, between the *actual* tripping, I was still in a mindset of grandeur and was still thinking a lot about the same concepts I had been during my trips. It wasn't like I came down from the grandiose thoughts between the trips; it was a persisting mind state. One strange thing that happened this day, especially later on, was that I kept needing various objects… and I didn't know where they were at, but my intuition would guide me towards them. We were staying at my friend L's house, who has a ton of boxes piled up everywhere. When I needed something and felt that he would have it, my intuition would strangely guide me right towards the box that I needed, and I would look inside and find what I needed. This happened several times.
The next day, we took a break from taking any psychedelics. We talked and wrote about many of our ideas. We slept a lot and wrote down a lot of our dreams.
The day after this, I hadn't planned on taking any psychedelics… but I had a terrible migraine and I wanted to test the idea of whether tryptamines helped for migraines. I had a small dose of 4-ho-DiPT (about 10mg; I figured that this wouldn't do much due to what I assumed would be a massive tolerance at this point). This trip ended up being much stronger than I'd thought it would be. It got right rid of my migraine! But it sent me back into having those extremely grandiose thoughts. I decided to smoke some DMT, and I stated an intention before my experience this time. I wanted to learn how to differentiate between delusions and grandeur; to use discernment in a useful way. DMT, with its strange sense of humor, during the come-down led me to film a video of my fingers, which were all burnt. I honestly thought that I could will my blisters away (some Jesus type stuff), and started filming a video to prove it. After a few minutes, I realized what I was doing and had an intense "WTF" moment. I felt pretty stupid! I laughed at the experience, though; the DMT had given me an entirely delusional experience to show me an example of the kind of thought that I should not follow. This was a grounding experience, and after this I read over everything I'd written and V and I started finding ways to apply all of our ideas to reality in tangible and useful ways. (V had not taken any psychedelics this day.)
Now here were a couple of days where I went to V's house, and then I went home by myself as I had been taking kratom every day during the long trip, plus I had been taking opiates on/off for months before this… I wanted to detox from this and not take any drugs for a while. V had given me some capsules with iboga extract that she had gotten from a trusted and reputable vendor. I do not know the dose, but she had taken these before and had recommended this amount of capsules to me (there were 4 capsules). I took these 4 capsules, and began what seemed to be a trip of recollection and more grounding. It took about an hour for me to get first alerts, and a good few more hours to feel the iboga completely. I had taken iboga once before this and had a good experience. This was NOT nearly a flood dose, I must mention. For the first 6 hours of the experience, I felt extremely dysphoric and I actually felt a propensity to believe in duality and separateness rather than nonduality. It was as if all the things I'd been thinking about had been reversed, and I was extremely confused. I felt that all of the things I'd been thinking about during the spirit journey had possibly been delusions, and I was feeling really depressed! At some point, this all turned around. I had smoked some weed, and I was sitting on the bed just meditating. I opened my eyes and looked around the room, and it was almost as if everything suddenly 'clicked' and all of these strange reversed thoughts I'd been having united with all of the thoughts I'd been thinking about in the days leading up to this. Through this, I achieved a true joining of opposites in my own mind. When everything clicked, it felt like everything was in place! Throughout this experience, I gathered and compartmentalized all of the strange and interesting things that I had been thinking about throughout the duration of the spirit journey. This trip brought me back down to earth in a sense, yet that self that I reintegrated was now enhanced by the power of self belief and other new systems of thought that I knew would aid me in my day to day life. It was simply amazing. My friend L came into the room, and I told him all about the things I'd been thinking about the past week. He told me that I seemed incredibly articulate, and told me that iboga seemed to enhance my capacity for self expression, especially through language. He suggested that I record myself so that I could remember how I was acting, and so I did. Watching it later, it definitely appeared that he was right. I called my dad at one point while I was on iboga, and spoke to him about all sorts of philosophical things. When he challenged me, I could tap into his systems of belief and thought and say just the right thing to help him to understand where I was coming from. This was an incredibly productive conversation, as was the entire iboga trip. After this, I also stopped using opiates habitually.
This entire experience cultivated a whole lot within me. It left me with a whole new understanding of how manifestation works, how to use discernment, how to better tap into the intentions of others so as to use language as a type of spiritual alchemy, and of course, as I mentioned I felt a lot more belief in my self (as my self was and is a part of the greater whole intelligence, there is no reason to doubt my self)! Ever since this experience, I've been having more meaningful psychedelic experiences than ever when I do partake. I hope that reading this long report has provoked thought, light and inspiration in you, the reader and the receiver of the transmission. Now, let us continue to manifest in this reality together!
I'm so glad that you read this! I was wondering whether anybody would ever comment, ha ha. To be fair, it is a lot to read... But I felt that some of these psychedelic messages were too important to not share with others!