• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

I cant break the cycle :(

gotit4cheap

gotit4cheap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 12, 2010
Messages
80
Location
ghostlands ny
So i have been addicted to heroin on/off for years now. I was clean and on subs from march 9, and around july I fucked up and allowed a girl i thought cared about me to get the best of me and lead me back down the path. So Ive been back on dope again for around 2 - 3 months now, back to shooting it up, the whole nine. Every day I tell myself I am going to take a suboxone in the morning and that it's my last day on the dope. I even plan my last shot out so that I don't feel too uncomfortable and I can take a sub as soon as I wake up in the morning. But then every single morning i wake up and lay there for 20 minutes, until I call my guy and do it all fucking over again. I am so sick of being a pussy and so sick of my own head fighting me- even right now i am fighting the urge to go get more bags. I am almost completely broke and cannot afford to keep buying dope every day, but of course i do it anyway. I am feeling so depressed and frustrated I just don't know what to do. i just really need to vent, if anyone has a similar story or just any words of encouragement I can certainly use them right now.

Thanks guys :(
 
You have to be strong enough to begin acute withdrawal before doing suboxone or you'll have precipitated withdrawal.

Just try to ride out what you're going through, and accept you're going to spend all your money on heroin until you're broke, or.... Delete your dealer's number, and get a new phone number so they can't call you
 
I know - Ill even wait like 18-20 hours until its time to take it, and I still will go back on my word and get dope instead. and unfortunately i know his number by heart so that wouldn't do much good. i just wish i could have something pick me up and inspire me to stop with no hesitations..i am going to try to take it again tomorrow . i know i can do it.
 
Great to hear that there is something inside of you that wants to end the cycle.
When you are addicted it can be hard for that voice to lead. You can do it.
 
gotit4cheap said:
I know - Ill even wait like 18-20 hours until its time to take it, and I still will go back on my word and get dope instead. and unfortunately i know his number by heart so that wouldn't do much good. i just wish i could have something pick me up and inspire me to stop with no hesitations..i am going to try to take it again tomorrow . i know i can do it.
Click to expand...

Do you know why you're using? Often if the mental issues go unaddressed, the problem continues.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Do you know why you're using? Often if the mental issues go unaddressed, the problem continues.
Click to expand...

Well I do have pretty bad social/general anxiety, but other than that it's just my addict brain that when i am sick, i seek that instant gratification- no matter what the consequences are financial-wise or whatever. :( God its becoming so frustrating, I can't even imagine not being on ANYTHING at all. I feel like I would at least need to take subs every day but I don't want to be on sub maintenance either. I am so confused, frustrated and helpless I don't know what to do anymore
 
gotit4cheap said:
I was clean and on subs from march 9, and around july I fucked up and allowed a girl i thought cared about me to get the best of me and lead me back down the path. So Ive been back on dope again for around 2 - 3 months now, back to shooting it up, the whole nine. Every day I tell myself I am going to take a suboxone in the morning and that it's my last day on the dope. I even plan my last shot out so that I don't feel too uncomfortable and I can take a sub as soon as I wake up in the morning. But then every single morning i wake up and lay there for 20 minutes, until I call my guy and do it all fucking over again
Click to expand...

Hi.

I could have written this myself. Except for the girl part.. because for me, I had been a long time heroin addict, and was working a program, had over 2 years clean and then got with a new comer man at my 12 step fellowship. He was using and I allowed myself to be in that situation and I made the choice to get high.

For the last 2 years I had been getting high. I would buy subs on the street, go to rehabs, get back on maintenance script of subs from a dr etc, and I would always have good intentions but I could never actually put my plan to action. Before I had put together my 2 years clean, my addiction took me places I never thought Id go: homeless, jobless and panhandling. A situation occurred and the judicial system intervened and that is how I got clean. When I got out after being incarcerated for a long period of time, I was on house arrest and the only approved place I could go was a 12 step meeting. I started going and eventually I began to listen.

I relapsed this last time after being 2 years clean because I made the choice to put myself around a still using addict, allowed myself to begin a relationship with them and then made the choice to use.

For the last year I was doing what you described every weekend. I was working as a nurse during the day and a bartender by weekend. At first I was able to hold it together but that never lasts forever. People started to comment on my state and I told myself "ok, I will kick this weekend." I would take the weekend off of work to detox and get started on subs, then when it was time I would tell myself "I will start subs tomm.. as long as I have at least ONE day of being subs before work monday, I will be fine." Then I would tell myself I needed dope so I could go to work monday and that I would try again next weekend. This pattern went on and on and on.

Finally about 3 months ago, I lost my job as a nurse. I lost my house. I had title loan on my car, my macbook was in the pawn shop and I had 3 online payday loans and 6 installment loans. People were blowing my phone up wanting their money. I was desperate. I was tired of living like that.

I checked myself back into rehab. Most people don't view "desperation" as a gift.. but I do. Without the gift of desperation I would have NEVER been able to get clean again and recommit to a finding a new way to live.

I am so sorry this post was so long, but I write to let you know there is hope, and that others have been where you are. This addiction shit aint easy and recovery is NOT for the faint of heart. BUT..it IS possible.

I like what captain heroin said about acceptance and changing your phone #. People places and things are imperative to your recovery and it looks like that is what got you off track to begin with.

I will keep you in my thoughts.. and if there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.
 
Thanks for taking the time to write that post, Delta. My heart goes out to both the OP and you and everyone else in this thread that finds themselves in the battle with addiction. I agree with you wholeheartedly that desperation can be a powerful gift. The worst times in our lives are truly our best teachers if we are willing to learn.
 
thank you for sharing that with me delta. i am sorry you went through all that. the crazy shit we go thru just to get sick. i need to start getting my mind right more and in the right place the night before i try quitting.
 
deltakappamu said:
Hi.

I could have written this myself. Except for the girl part.. because for me, I had been a long time heroin addict, and was working a program, had over 2 years clean and then got with a new comer man at my 12 step fellowship. He was using and I allowed myself to be in that situation and I made the choice to get high.
Click to expand...

Me too. Sounds like we got some like minds on this thread.

You got support on this forum man, I know i've found it here - I live a pretty serious double life and can't get support from my network - so you're barking at the right tree for sure.

It's a battle, it's almost not even up to you, no matter how badly you want it you find yourself dialing the phone or like a fucking zombie walking to your car, like your being controlled by a voodoo doll.

even if you do manage to get clean for 78 hours, somehow a relapse is imminent and inevitable. i've done some crazy shit to get myself off of it, and done some even crazier shit to get back on it. so to basically sum up 8 years of learning experiences, environmental addiction is a real thing - its the place, the people, the culture, the stimuli of a familiar place you get high, the smells, ALL OF IT that contributes to that voodoo doll being controlled.

My best advice, re-locate. That's not always an option so my next best advice, get rid of your phone, give your car to a trusted loved one, get rid of all the evidence and all the ways you could possibly go down to get high again, but most importantly, dig deep inside and ask yourself why you want/need to quit, and ask yourself why you do it.

yeah the H demons get the better of us, yeah sometimes we feel like it's not even up to us, why our fingers are dialing that number - but what you got to know is that YOU are better than the heroine. its not a battle, its a fucking war, and you are stronger than it will ever be. so fight your battles and know that its a life time of war, but you are completely capable of being triumphant. the longer you fight the war, the more intimately you know your enemy, and the easier it gets to fight it.

good luck man, let us know if you need anything.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
You have to be strong enough to begin acute withdrawal before doing suboxone or you'll have precipitated withdrawal.
Click to expand...

With heroin ? I dunno about that.. Granted, my metabolism is pretty quick, but I find 12 hours is always plenty of time since my last shot, to safely take suboxone. And I've also taken within 4-6hours without any real issues.
 
Well its 5:40 in the morning and it's been 15 hours since my last shot. gonna take a sub in like an hour. mostlyhuman, i agree i use to take subs after id sniff about 120 mg of oxy and i would be fine. but i definitely don't want to risk it so i usually wait at least 16 hours and i'm always fine. applejacks i can totally relate to the voodoo doll shit lmao that is exactly how i feel every time i cop. like what am i doing i know i shouldnt be doing this but i am anyway.

so tired of being up at this time feeling like shit lol its like every fucking day. gonna try to find some xanax or klonopin tomorrow to help ease the shittiness.
 
So I took it, only took 1mg of sub because i am a firm believer in the "less is more " theory, even 1 mg is a lot for me I usually only take like .25-.5. Anyway, I feel pretty good suprisingly. I was just reading all the recovery threads and learning what is actually going on in my brain with this disease and I just got so fed up and disgusted how heroin is just making me it's bitch. So I said fuck that shit and took my sub. This time around I am going to keep in touch with my mental more, actually work on my recovery from addiction and not simply just my dependency on heroin. Thanks for all the help I know all you guys did was share your own experiences but if I never posted this I probably wouldn't have been inspired enough to actually stop. So thank you !! Day 1 of hopefully many more lol
 
gotit4cheap said:
This time around I am going to keep in touch with my mental more, actually work on my recovery from addiction and not simply just my dependency on heroin.
Click to expand...

That is a fantastic way to look at it. I think understanding addiction is a powerful tool to fight the shame that can undermine your efforts. When you truly understand what is happening in your brain, that it is not just weakness on your part, it can really boost your strength and determination to fight it. It still falls 100% on you to do it but society treats addicts like immoral, weak people and when that gets internalized and you start telling yourself that story addiction wins.

I hope this is day 1 of many more, too. Good luck.<3
 
Start of day 2 :) craving pretty hard but trying to keep a straight head on my shoulders about it. Plus the fact I'm on subs helps as an excuse l. I got some klonopin too and I have school in a few hours, should could be worse! Hope everyone's doing well.
 
^thats great thinking.

Sometimes, when I feel real bad, and I can't think of anything to be grateful for, I have start with "ok, at least I am not dead" and go from there.

As an addict I wanna feel good all the time.. sometimes I gotta be "ok" with just being "ok"

Great job, keep it up!
 
So I Ended up fucking up for an amount of days , but I am now 2 days clean, it's getting past that 1st and now the 2nd day.. It definitely gets easier every day so I'm just trying to keep that in mind, tomorrow will be even easier. I want to look back at this thread months or year from now while clean and be able to see what I was goig thru. Hope everyone is doing good thanks again for the positive comments
 
deltakappamu said:
Hi.

I could have written this myself. Except for the girl part.. because for me, I had been a long time heroin addict, and was working a program, had over 2 years clean and then got with a new comer man at my 12 step fellowship. He was using and I allowed myself to be in that situation and I made the choice to get high.

For the last 2 years I had been getting high. I would buy subs on the street, go to rehabs, get back on maintenance script of subs from a dr etc, and I would always have good intentions but I could never actually put my plan to action. Before I had put together my 2 years clean, my addiction took me places I never thought Id go: homeless, jobless and panhandling. A situation occurred and the judicial system intervened and that is how I got clean. When I got out after being incarcerated for a long period of time, I was on house arrest and the only approved place I could go was a 12 step meeting. I started going and eventually I began to listen.

I relapsed this last time after being 2 years clean because I made the choice to put myself around a still using addict, allowed myself to begin a relationship with them and then made the choice to use.

For the last year I was doing what you described every weekend. I was working as a nurse during the day and a bartender by weekend. At first I was able to hold it together but that never lasts forever. People started to comment on my state and I told myself "ok, I will kick this weekend." I would take the weekend off of work to detox and get started on subs, then when it was time I would tell myself "I will start subs tomm.. as long as I have at least ONE day of being subs before work monday, I will be fine." Then I would tell myself I needed dope so I could go to work monday and that I would try again next weekend. This pattern went on and on and on.

Finally about 3 months ago, I lost my job as a nurse. I lost my house. I had title loan on my car, my macbook was in the pawn shop and I had 3 online payday loans and 6 installment loans. People were blowing my phone up wanting their money. I was desperate. I was tired of living like that.

I checked myself back into rehab. Most people don't view "desperation" as a gift.. but I do. Without the gift of desperation I would have NEVER been able to get clean again and recommit to a finding a new way to live.

I am so sorry this post was so long, but I write to let you know there is hope, and that others have been where you are. This addiction shit aint easy and recovery is NOT for the faint of heart. BUT..it IS possible.

I like what captain heroin said about acceptance and changing your phone #. People places and things are imperative to your recovery and it looks like that is what got you off track to begin with.

I will keep you in my thoughts.. and if there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.
Click to expand...

Thanks for sharing this.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top