So the goal is to get readdicted to heroin and then jump off that?? Isn't heroin addiction why you went on methadone in the first place? I'm not trying to criticize you I swear lol I'm just asking questions because I don't entirely get it. When I imagine myself doing the same thing... well, I imagine myself going down a road that doesn't include sobriety anytime in the near future. Yes it's shorter acting and the withdrawals won't last as long, but don't you think the intensity of them will present a similar problem?
I hope you don't take any of that the wrong way. I'm seriously not trying to make you second guess yourself or anything like that. I'm just curious because I was considering doing a kind of taper with an MS Contin and a few Vicodin I have... so it would kind of be like what you're doing, just on a smaller scale. That's mainly why I'm asking lol.
*TRIGGER WARNING FOR ANYONE IN RECOVERY FROM PSYCHEDELICS OR DISSOCIATIVES* Anyway so I caved and bought a 4oz bottle of Robitussin. I'm gonna drink half now and then the rest later. DXM has always been a really spiritual drug for me, and I could definitely use some spiritual insight right about now. Dissociating from reality entirely for a few hours sounds nice too. DXM and withdrawals are risky business, I know... last time I took it while I was in hardcore withdrawal I spent a good hour of it thinking I was being attacked by demons. But once I got through that part, I had a breakthrough and the most spiritual experience I have ever had in my life... it's actually what woke me up to spiritual principles in the first place and is a big part of the reason I view the world differently (in a very positive way) now than I did before. Soo whatever happens, I can handle it. But a trip is definitely in order, it's been a long time and I view psychedelics/dissociatives as being really spiritually cleansing. Which I could definitely use right about now for some extra strength haha
I don't really think I'd put it like "my goal is to get readdicted to heroin". The goal was to stay sober, but I failed. I've been using for a week, so now, whether I wanted to or not, I'm readdicted to heroin. The plan is to use as little as possible to ramp down my habit a bit, and then quit, possibly using gabapentin to mitigate any withdrawal. Yes, heroin addiction is why I got on methadone, but that methadone taper was a failure :/ I never stabilized, I was sick the whole time, and it just got worse and worse. So I don't want to go back on methadone - the only way I would do that is if I went on and went up to 70, so I was totally comfortable, and then did a slow taper that lasted maybe a year and a half. But I don't want to be chained to the clinic for another year and a half. I have plans and goals and things I want to achieve. It's not really going to fly. I'm done with that clinic. So since I am in the place I am right now, readdicted to heroin but with a pretty low tolerance (a half lasts me three days), I'm going to reduce my use as much as I can over the next few days, and then quit and ride out the withdrawals.
Heroin withdrawals are more acute, but they last a much shorter time than methadone or bupe. I'd rather go through a few hard days than weeks of feeling kind of like crap. I remember back in the day, I had to quit cold turkey off a really big habit - it was awful. Worst CT I ever had. It felt like an electric current of 1000 volts was plugged into my brain. I could hear it humming constantly, and when I turned my head it would go WHAP like there was a voltage surge. I can't even begin to describe how bad it was, but I'm sure a lot of you reading this understand. As awful as it was though, on the fourth morning I felt a lot better. Thing is... on the fourth morning my connect came through, and I just didn't have the willpower not to do it. But anyway, I'm going to reduce my use - since it's so short acting, I should be able to to get my tolerance down pretty low before I jump off. Then, when I do jump, I have a few Ativan and some gabapentin if things get really dicey.
Also, being that I snort it (I used to shoot, but not in a long time), it's just a lot easier to do the bare minimum. I can :::BIT OF A TRIGGER WARNING I GUESS::: break off a tiny little piece and put a lot of water on it, then take a few little sniffs, just enough to bring the sickness to managable levels. Hard to do that shooting, because half the point of shooting is the rush, and you don't get a rush doing a tiny amount. Plus the bioavailability is a lot higher when you shoot. But my point is, it's relatively easy for me to just do a little bit. I guess it would be possible with vicodin and oxy, but just like with heroin, you'd have to have discipline. I spent the whole day borderline sick, and wasn't going to do more til sleep time, but I caved a couple hours ago and did a tiny bit. I'm not high, just normal. But I did a whole 12 hours sick, so that should help. I wont do anymore tonight, so I'll be sick when I wake up, do a tiny bit to take off the dge - still keeping myself in withdrawal - and try to go another 12 hours. Doing this for three or four days, I'm hoping should bring my tolerance down. Basically my choices at this point are a quick heroin taper or cold turkey, since I don't want to go back on 'done and can't take bupe.
Personally though, I don't think you should fuck with the pills. Just my two cents. It's just a slippery ass slope, you know?
I'm going to try to get a good sleep tonight to be prepared for another day of being sick tomorrow. I want off it, I really do. I can't explain how fucked up the last three months on methadone have been, how depressed and anxious I was, how I felt like I was losing who I was, my personality, I couldn't enjoy anything. I don't know how to emphasize enough how bad it was. There were a few days where I was actually scared, thinking I needed to go see a shrink or something, go on antidepressents. And it kind of messed up some of the time I spent with the guy I'm seeing. I was so down that even when I was with him I wasn't happy, laughing, ect. Total inability to feel pleasure. It scared the hell out of me. This week on heroin, as bad as I know it is that I relapsed, at least has me feeling like ME again, so that even when I was sick today, I didn't feel that crushing depression and anxiety.
Anyway this is turning into a book so I'll leave it here. Just trying to explain why I did what I did. I never want to feel the way I felt on methadone these last few months. Never again. I think warm turkey is the best way for me, I just need to be strong and do it, not say "I'll cop one more piece and taper in a day or two".
