Help With A Severe Addiction

[Siccness909]

I've been an addict for 7 years and I cant seem to stop regardless of the consequences Ive faced. My main addictions are Methamphetamine and Opiates, ROAs consist of intranasal and smoking as far as crystal and opiates typically oral and intranasal and IV. I've been in treatment programs 3-4x and no matter how serious I take it I can't seem to change and end up relapsing every time. Addiction has affected every aspect of my life, I have been officially homeless and jobless for about a month and have hit rock bottom. My family doesn't understand the concept of addiction or how to handle it and this is basically what they do to me. I am 21 years old, at this point I've basically lost all few friends I did have and no resources ffor success anymore. The only logical point.I am able to make out of my relapses is that I truly never have had any oother outlet besides narcotic abuse, was never really social or had any hobbies so I feel my drug addiction takes over when I genuinely want to get clean and I see I have nothing to take my mind off it. I am.not happy without drugs and go in to a deep depression when not high. Since i am not happy and.have no other intrests besides drugs its as.if I CANNOT get clean cause Its aall that makes me happy? My life consist of an addiction fueled with depression, anxiety, psychosis, and just lost in thoughts iI guess you could say. Its like unstoppable, I don't know what tto do. As i write this I cry as much as i love drugs, I fucking hate them. As an addict I feel alone, nobody understands me. Shit aside from my love for music, I've always considered myself very educated in the medical field, now see that's something you would think I can build a future with but my family has always seen my research and iintrest as pure "druggie knowledge" I don't know shit they say and hhave never been supportive in that. I personally honestly feel I am extremely educated and could do so mmuch more but then regardless addiction plaugues me. I cant stop, part me really wants to change but I feel in fear that even if I do I will never be happy again without my dopamine being flooded? I've ODd plenty.of.times almost near cardiac arrest and practically suffered a heart attack last week. I've been to ICU 15x this.year alone and each time I just grow colder and still manage to relapse. I need help before I truly die.

Below is something i wrote today as I'm currently coming down on a 6 day amphetamine binge. I wish i could say more but I'm feeling a psychosis manifesting so I will stop here. All opinions welcome. Thank you for you time.

Some People Are Incapable Of Changing & Honestly At This Point, I Think That's Me. I Developed An Addiction That Has Destroyed Me Mentally And Physically For About 7 Years Now. I've Run Out Of Resources, I've Died In Emergency Rooms Multiple Times & The Anxiety I Have Now From Chronic Stim Abuse Is Practically Disabling. Not To Mention Severe Amphetamine Psychosis That Manifests Every Time I End Up Sleep Deprived. My Heart Muscle Is Damaged, I've Went 5150 Etc. All That Said And I Still Manage To Relapse & Keep Going Everytime Even Though I Watch My Life Shatter Before My Eyes. Without A Care In The World, I've Lost Everything But Yet I Continue Being An Addict, Its Like Vital To Being Functional. Chronic Depression Borderline Schitzophrenia, Psychosis, Heart Attacks, Anxiety, Catatonia, Hypermania & The List Continues. Physically I Hang On By A Thread But Mentally I Am Destroyed. The Life I Lead Is Destructive And Shows No Sign Of Slowing Down, Gradually Dying Day By Day, Shit Is Unstoppable. I'm A Suicidal Failure, Eternally Unforgiven. I Hope My Next Run In With Cardiac Kills Me For Good Cause I Can't Live Like This Anymore. Fuck This Shit, My Dopamine Stays Depleted And There Is No Hope For Someone Like Me. The Vicious Cycle Is Infinite & I Am Truly Nothing But Soulless.

 

[T. Calderone]

The drugs are not making you happy, seems they are fueling your misery. You say you are homeless at the moment, or are you just living out? Rehabs are not going to help if you truly don't wish to get clean. Is there any family or friends that you can stay with? The only thing that comes to mind for me is Covenant House, while you're not a runaway, they help homeless youth.

http://www.covenanthouse.org/homeless-youth-programs/NINELINE

 

[Siccness909]

They make me happy temporarily but I live off that high, nothing else makes me happy which is why I feel I can't stay clean due to lack of interest. I do truly want to get clean but I just feel fear of not being about to find something to take up my time and fuel my happiness you know? This is typical of a long term Crystal addict right? Dopamine doesn't function right? I definitely feel I've used enough in this 6-7 Year span that my social skills and dopamine receptors have been affected...or fried

 

[tocooperate]

though not quite to the same degree, I am also a stimbuser myself and your post does a good job of explaining how the drugs keep you in a vicious cycle..but doesn't the dopamine rush make you want to *live and succeed and be happy as you described it? Your life must be more than dose and stare at the wall all day

Imo you need to tap into those interests, damned if anyone tells you otherwise! the first step is believing there are ways and things that can make you happy even sober, trust me I know the feeling of dopamine happy then not giving a shit about the same thing a week later when the stash runs out.. but as much as it sucks, I know there is love, life and happy afternoons for anyone that wants it.

what specifically about medicine are you interested in? perhaps the psychoactive effects on humans? Or perhaps the chemistry?


D

 

[Siccness909]

I'm fairly educated in both. Chemistry not as much as how certain drugs affect certain systems in abusers. The whole thing is just amazing to me. I love anything medical related. I always considered myself educated with my usage though of course I never tried to work with the cycle responsibly. I always.knew I was an addict and.could admit it but I mean as far as respitory effects, cardiovascular problems, hypertension, dopamine, heart attacks, cardiac, etc like anything involved adverse reactions like Vtach etc. Chronic problems that could occur depression schitzophrenia & ESPECIALLY Psychosis and sleep deprivation. Once I educated myself and researched extensively enough. I.just feel in love with the medical field its fascinating to me. I know how to treat people with seizures head truama you know like I.just learned shit.being an addict. I love BL has so many addicts that are educated and articulate just.proves "druggies" are capable.of.being doctors one day. Of course with enough knowledge and commitment if.one really.wanted.to you know?