painenduser
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 13, 2011
- Messages
- 404
So guys,
Normally I am here giving other advise and helping others, today however, I am writing in the Dark Side for my own self and well being. I need a place to vent because I have no where or no one else to vent too.
Short history, but some may recall... I spent a number of years under the grasp of alcohol. I was so tightly intertwined with the bottle that it cost me my marriage (though that would have failed anyway), my job, my house, my boat, and almost took my life. I got so sick I was in ICU for 2 months and was so sick I had to move back in with my mother and step father at the age of 35. I now have liver disease from drinking and a kidney infection (no doubt the infection was caused by my immune system being so suppressed) and the combination of the two caused my liver and kidneys to shut down hence the ICU for 2 months. So any who, my parent were kind enough to take me in because I was so sick and I had no money at all.
I have now been living with them for almost 5 years because even though I had been sober for a while, over 5 years now, I still need the mental support to make sure I stay sober. I can not afford to drink again, even though I had zero interest in drinking again and I have no physical want for it, every now and then I fall deep into what I call a mental slum that I am afraid that if I were on my own, I may decide that I want to drink again, and that would be like signing my own death warrant.
I am currently on Social Security Disability because I am not allowed to work because my health is still very fragile, and in this time I have some how gotten 2 herniated disks as well as a boney growth from my vertebrae causing pressure and severe pain in my back making it difficult to walk, lift, and just carry on a normal life. But all that was just a little history and not why I am writing here today.
I am writing here today because I am finding it really difficult to stay here even though I have no where to go and no means to go anywhere. My Dr's still will not allow me to work, so I am still on disability. My mother who says she understood what I was going through and how much drinking could kill me has turned herself into an alcoholic, yet of course she is in denial, however, you can not fool an alcoholic, I have been there! I know what an alcoholic is and does! She denies it constantly, she hided her bottle, though she tells me she is hiding it from me, when she knows I have no interest in drinking again. I know I said earlier that I am still here because I am afraid that if I were alone I might get so down that I could drink, and while that is true, while I have been in this house, I would never drink! I have NOT had any interest in it even when I have fallen deep into depression. My concern earlier is that it "could" happened if I were alone but not here so there is no need to hide it from me and she knows that. She lies about her drinking but of course I catch her in the lies all the time and she denies everything, very typical.
She is also a nasty drunk. She (self admittedly) gets beer muscles. Meaning that she becomes over confident when she drinks so she will start arguments with myself and my step father (who she treats like absolute shit when she drinks and he is such a waste, he wouldn't stand up for himself if his life depended on it. She causes conflicts, and is very two faced. She slurrs up a storm, and repeats herself like a broken record when she drinks and the worst is that she will have an entire conversation with you and the next day has absolutely ZERO clue what she talked about the night before and will argue with you, yelling at times about how she never had that conversation. She has even walked into my room when she knows that I want nothing to do with her when she is like that and she will come in just to start an argument with me and I try to kick her out and I get the whole "well this is MY house there for this is MY room and you can't tell me to leave!". She obviously has no respect for me. She even told me one night that the reason that she doesn't remember half of what we talk about is because she has no interest in what I am talking about! I just feel so disrespected and rejected.
I have tried to talk to her about her drinking and she does everything possible to avoid the conversation and avoid me. In fact, I was pretty much just brushing everything under the carpet, but then things for me came to a screeching halt on my birthday back in July. My mother had spent a number of weeks drinking pretty much every night. Her arguing, combativeness, yelling over everything and at everyone, she never remembered anything from the night before, just everything was getting bad. So I wrote her a letter, but I asked her not to read it until my birthdate / time. (I chose this because very year she would always wish me a happy birthday at the time I was born on my birthday and because it was early in the morning like in the early AM, as long as we were both awake she would always wish me a happy birthday on that date and time, never missed a year). So in the letter, I explained my concern about her drinking and told her many things but they all came from the heart. I even explained on how I was concerned because she is a breast cancer survivor, I was concerned because I read in a number of digests that alcohol was the cause of many woman getting breast cancer, and I have talked to her about this before and she knows that I take this very serious and that I would be lost with out her. I have had many conversations with her so nothing I wrote in the letter was anything she has not known that upsets me about her drinking. I also wrote in the letter that the one thing I wanted for my birthday was her sobriety. I wanted my mother back, the sober one. The one I used to look up to and that I could count on when I needed her. The one that I could talk to and not I can't because she is wrapped up in her alcohol. Well, she was awake, I was awake, and my birthdate came................. and went! She didn't even come to wish me a happy birthday and worse she was so hung over, she did not get out of bed for two days! She was "sick" according to her and didn't know why she was sick, must have been something she ate, she told me. For two days I did not see her which included my entire birthday because she was so hung over she was sick for two days. Just the whole fact that she completely ignored my birthday accept for the whole 2 minutes she saw me to give me a birthday card in passing. I don't know if she was pissed at me for what I wrote, though I don't think that was the case, because a few days later, I told her that I wanted to talk to her to find out why she ignored me on my birthday, she pretty much blew that and me off once again. She does won't even talk to me about it anymore. So I basically just have to live with things the way they are and I can't talk to anyone! I do feel very rejected, very alone, confused, insulted, name it and I feel it
I have no one to talk to about my mom nor any of the issues I have not only here but in every day life. My mom, well that's obvious. My step dad I do not get along with because since I was a child, he has treated me horribly. He has always had a problem with me, and my mom has always said that it is because he is jealous of my time with her. She says that he get's jealous that she spends time with me (her son for gods sake) and not him yet she doesn't spend anymore time with me then she should as being my mother, but he is like a child but all that is for another discussion. Needless to say, I can't talk to him, he is a pathological liar and he literally has the education of a 7th grader and that's being generous. I have a sister, but she wants absolutely nothing to do with my mother and her drinking. She told me that many years ago, she and my aunts attempted an intervention with her (which I had no clue about) and my mother pretty much blew them off, and since then she says that she wants nothing to do with my mother and her drinking or any of her problems. She does not want to hear about anything that has to do with my mother.
So this is all why I am writing here today. I just needed some place to vent where I can talk to someone about this. I don't have anywhere else to go. You guys can ask me anything about my past or what ever, it doesn't matter, I have nothing to hide and nothing that my family doesn't know even though I can't talk to them anymore. I just don't know where else to go because I can not hold it all inside any more. It is starting to make me physically sick because my emotion levels are so high. I have stomach flies every day because I don't know what to say or do anymore. I feel so lonely that I almost don't care if my health goes south tomorrow because I feel like I would not be missed by my family because they seem to want nothing to do with me now, why should anything change if I was not here? They make me feel like I am the cause of all the problems now. It's all my fault, yet I thought that getting better would be what everyone would want, I mean that's what I wanted but now it just seems like since I am here now, it ruined everyone plans in life. My sister has told me that she never planned for me to have gotten sick and having to live here with everyone (we live in a mother daughter house, that means that my parents sold the house to my sister and her family, them move into the main house, then my brother in law took the garage and attached rooms and converted them into an apartment for my mother and step dad which the two halves are separated by entire wall and a door between the two). So she never planned for me to live in the side with my parents and obviously I am hindrance on my parents since I live with them on their side. So I don't know what to do now. I can't go anywhere, but now it seems like no one wants me here and they are sooooo letting my know that in almost as many words...
Anyway, I am starting to babble now because I am becoming very upset writing this and my emotions are just flooding my head right now. So that's why I am here. I needed to start to vent things out. I hope that we can have a discussion and you guys and help me clear my head, or just tell me that I am the fuck up that this place is making me feel like. I don't know. Not sure where to go or what to say anymore.
Thanks for listening (or reading)
Thanks,
Pain
Normally I am here giving other advise and helping others, today however, I am writing in the Dark Side for my own self and well being. I need a place to vent because I have no where or no one else to vent too.
Short history, but some may recall... I spent a number of years under the grasp of alcohol. I was so tightly intertwined with the bottle that it cost me my marriage (though that would have failed anyway), my job, my house, my boat, and almost took my life. I got so sick I was in ICU for 2 months and was so sick I had to move back in with my mother and step father at the age of 35. I now have liver disease from drinking and a kidney infection (no doubt the infection was caused by my immune system being so suppressed) and the combination of the two caused my liver and kidneys to shut down hence the ICU for 2 months. So any who, my parent were kind enough to take me in because I was so sick and I had no money at all.
I have now been living with them for almost 5 years because even though I had been sober for a while, over 5 years now, I still need the mental support to make sure I stay sober. I can not afford to drink again, even though I had zero interest in drinking again and I have no physical want for it, every now and then I fall deep into what I call a mental slum that I am afraid that if I were on my own, I may decide that I want to drink again, and that would be like signing my own death warrant.
I am currently on Social Security Disability because I am not allowed to work because my health is still very fragile, and in this time I have some how gotten 2 herniated disks as well as a boney growth from my vertebrae causing pressure and severe pain in my back making it difficult to walk, lift, and just carry on a normal life. But all that was just a little history and not why I am writing here today.
I am writing here today because I am finding it really difficult to stay here even though I have no where to go and no means to go anywhere. My Dr's still will not allow me to work, so I am still on disability. My mother who says she understood what I was going through and how much drinking could kill me has turned herself into an alcoholic, yet of course she is in denial, however, you can not fool an alcoholic, I have been there! I know what an alcoholic is and does! She denies it constantly, she hided her bottle, though she tells me she is hiding it from me, when she knows I have no interest in drinking again. I know I said earlier that I am still here because I am afraid that if I were alone I might get so down that I could drink, and while that is true, while I have been in this house, I would never drink! I have NOT had any interest in it even when I have fallen deep into depression. My concern earlier is that it "could" happened if I were alone but not here so there is no need to hide it from me and she knows that. She lies about her drinking but of course I catch her in the lies all the time and she denies everything, very typical.
She is also a nasty drunk. She (self admittedly) gets beer muscles. Meaning that she becomes over confident when she drinks so she will start arguments with myself and my step father (who she treats like absolute shit when she drinks and he is such a waste, he wouldn't stand up for himself if his life depended on it. She causes conflicts, and is very two faced. She slurrs up a storm, and repeats herself like a broken record when she drinks and the worst is that she will have an entire conversation with you and the next day has absolutely ZERO clue what she talked about the night before and will argue with you, yelling at times about how she never had that conversation. She has even walked into my room when she knows that I want nothing to do with her when she is like that and she will come in just to start an argument with me and I try to kick her out and I get the whole "well this is MY house there for this is MY room and you can't tell me to leave!". She obviously has no respect for me. She even told me one night that the reason that she doesn't remember half of what we talk about is because she has no interest in what I am talking about! I just feel so disrespected and rejected.
I have tried to talk to her about her drinking and she does everything possible to avoid the conversation and avoid me. In fact, I was pretty much just brushing everything under the carpet, but then things for me came to a screeching halt on my birthday back in July. My mother had spent a number of weeks drinking pretty much every night. Her arguing, combativeness, yelling over everything and at everyone, she never remembered anything from the night before, just everything was getting bad. So I wrote her a letter, but I asked her not to read it until my birthdate / time. (I chose this because very year she would always wish me a happy birthday at the time I was born on my birthday and because it was early in the morning like in the early AM, as long as we were both awake she would always wish me a happy birthday on that date and time, never missed a year). So in the letter, I explained my concern about her drinking and told her many things but they all came from the heart. I even explained on how I was concerned because she is a breast cancer survivor, I was concerned because I read in a number of digests that alcohol was the cause of many woman getting breast cancer, and I have talked to her about this before and she knows that I take this very serious and that I would be lost with out her. I have had many conversations with her so nothing I wrote in the letter was anything she has not known that upsets me about her drinking. I also wrote in the letter that the one thing I wanted for my birthday was her sobriety. I wanted my mother back, the sober one. The one I used to look up to and that I could count on when I needed her. The one that I could talk to and not I can't because she is wrapped up in her alcohol. Well, she was awake, I was awake, and my birthdate came................. and went! She didn't even come to wish me a happy birthday and worse she was so hung over, she did not get out of bed for two days! She was "sick" according to her and didn't know why she was sick, must have been something she ate, she told me. For two days I did not see her which included my entire birthday because she was so hung over she was sick for two days. Just the whole fact that she completely ignored my birthday accept for the whole 2 minutes she saw me to give me a birthday card in passing. I don't know if she was pissed at me for what I wrote, though I don't think that was the case, because a few days later, I told her that I wanted to talk to her to find out why she ignored me on my birthday, she pretty much blew that and me off once again. She does won't even talk to me about it anymore. So I basically just have to live with things the way they are and I can't talk to anyone! I do feel very rejected, very alone, confused, insulted, name it and I feel it
I have no one to talk to about my mom nor any of the issues I have not only here but in every day life. My mom, well that's obvious. My step dad I do not get along with because since I was a child, he has treated me horribly. He has always had a problem with me, and my mom has always said that it is because he is jealous of my time with her. She says that he get's jealous that she spends time with me (her son for gods sake) and not him yet she doesn't spend anymore time with me then she should as being my mother, but he is like a child but all that is for another discussion. Needless to say, I can't talk to him, he is a pathological liar and he literally has the education of a 7th grader and that's being generous. I have a sister, but she wants absolutely nothing to do with my mother and her drinking. She told me that many years ago, she and my aunts attempted an intervention with her (which I had no clue about) and my mother pretty much blew them off, and since then she says that she wants nothing to do with my mother and her drinking or any of her problems. She does not want to hear about anything that has to do with my mother.
So this is all why I am writing here today. I just needed some place to vent where I can talk to someone about this. I don't have anywhere else to go. You guys can ask me anything about my past or what ever, it doesn't matter, I have nothing to hide and nothing that my family doesn't know even though I can't talk to them anymore. I just don't know where else to go because I can not hold it all inside any more. It is starting to make me physically sick because my emotion levels are so high. I have stomach flies every day because I don't know what to say or do anymore. I feel so lonely that I almost don't care if my health goes south tomorrow because I feel like I would not be missed by my family because they seem to want nothing to do with me now, why should anything change if I was not here? They make me feel like I am the cause of all the problems now. It's all my fault, yet I thought that getting better would be what everyone would want, I mean that's what I wanted but now it just seems like since I am here now, it ruined everyone plans in life. My sister has told me that she never planned for me to have gotten sick and having to live here with everyone (we live in a mother daughter house, that means that my parents sold the house to my sister and her family, them move into the main house, then my brother in law took the garage and attached rooms and converted them into an apartment for my mother and step dad which the two halves are separated by entire wall and a door between the two). So she never planned for me to live in the side with my parents and obviously I am hindrance on my parents since I live with them on their side. So I don't know what to do now. I can't go anywhere, but now it seems like no one wants me here and they are sooooo letting my know that in almost as many words...
Anyway, I am starting to babble now because I am becoming very upset writing this and my emotions are just flooding my head right now. So that's why I am here. I needed to start to vent things out. I hope that we can have a discussion and you guys and help me clear my head, or just tell me that I am the fuck up that this place is making me feel like. I don't know. Not sure where to go or what to say anymore.
Thanks for listening (or reading)
Thanks,
Pain
