Chrizmarie
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2014
- Messages
- 3
What do I do?
Staying with a bf after getting clean n he's not
- Thread starter Chrizmarie
- Start date
GenericName12
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 5, 2013
- Messages
- 192
That sounds very hard, almost impossible to manage long term.
But if you really want to make it work you are going to have to distance yourself from him, at least in the short term.
But if you really want to make it work you are going to have to distance yourself from him, at least in the short term.
phactor
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 13, 2002
- Messages
- 5,107
Most will tell you it is very very difficult to stay clean if a partner is using. Do you have a place you can go stay for a few days without him? Do you feel like you can live without him? How important is staying clean to you? Are you getting support from anywhere (family, therapist, meetings, aftercare etc etc)?
I tend to have co-dependency issues. They are part and parcel of my addiction. I have to really watch it. Mine tend to manifest more with family meetings (I can be a big momma's boy sometimes). I occasionally find myself going back and forth between my apartment and my family home and I never feel comfortable in both. I want to run home to be with my parents, but then when I get there I feel uncomfortable because its not "home" any longer (and other reasons). Might sound lame to say, sounds lame typing it. But it is what it is.
I tend to have co-dependency issues. They are part and parcel of my addiction. I have to really watch it. Mine tend to manifest more with family meetings (I can be a big momma's boy sometimes). I occasionally find myself going back and forth between my apartment and my family home and I never feel comfortable in both. I want to run home to be with my parents, but then when I get there I feel uncomfortable because its not "home" any longer (and other reasons). Might sound lame to say, sounds lame typing it. But it is what it is.
Cliffy78
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 17, 2014
- Messages
- 1,338
I hear you factor, I think my mom is the only person I love so I love her extra I guess. Moms always felt like home. I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable anywhere else. I've been on my own for almost 20 years and it never changed until my mom got committed and lost her place. Still not comfortable in my own house
Sorry for going off topic op...
phactor
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 13, 2002
- Messages
- 5,107
Yeah, the issue for me is I sometimes feel uncomfortable in both places. I have to say though, I am really starting to feel pretty damn comfortable in my apartment. I never did while I was using. I am actually living a life today and am taking care of myself. The longer I stay clean, the less dependent I am on others. My relationships with my family are improving quickly.
But back on topic: Are you willing to leave this relationship? I see so many people get caught up in relapse cycles because of relationships. I also see a lot of people that get clean but immediately start looking for a relationship (sometimes several relationships). In NA, if you want to play this game you very much can. There are plenty of people who want to get clean, but for whatever reason cannot put in all the work needed.
Not saying that all relationships are in early recovery are bad, and I am not saying that I do not want to be in one right now. However, I have to focus on myself right now and work on my recovery. Then, hopefully I will be ready for a relationship down the line. I am terrible at them and have been in hardily any of them.
But back on topic: Are you willing to leave this relationship? I see so many people get caught up in relapse cycles because of relationships. I also see a lot of people that get clean but immediately start looking for a relationship (sometimes several relationships). In NA, if you want to play this game you very much can. There are plenty of people who want to get clean, but for whatever reason cannot put in all the work needed.
Not saying that all relationships are in early recovery are bad, and I am not saying that I do not want to be in one right now. However, I have to focus on myself right now and work on my recovery. Then, hopefully I will be ready for a relationship down the line. I am terrible at them and have been in hardily any of them.
Last edited:
- Joined
- Oct 15, 2004
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- 15,394
The relationship I was in when I was using the most, now that I've been out of it for quite some time, was one of the more toxic and horrible things I did to myself. She wouldn't leave, I wouldn't let her... It boiled down to a pathetic codependent relationship that I wish one of us had, had the balls to just end it.
If you live together. Find a way to move out, today. If you don't live together you still need to end the relationship as soon as you can. If you're serious about staying sober you split and you do it fast and clean. Then lose his number and the number of your connections and your friends who use. Get new friends, because the ones that are using won't help you stay sober. They will help you relapse.
I have a coworker who just lost 14 months of sobriety because she got back together with the ex boyfriend who still "occasionally" shoots dope.
I'm curious to know how old you are and how much time do you have? Also, what was your drug of choice? Do you have family you can stay with? Do you have a car? Can you leave where you live to a place where you have sober support? If you do, drop him and go somewhere that is safe.
Right now you just got clean and you love this guy. He stayed with you through recovery, which is huge, but unless he's willing to also get clean your long term outlook isn't good sticking around him. It really is that simple. He might beg you to stay. Being an addict alone sucks. He might cry or threaten when you end it, so have a sober friend on standby. Someone who can get you out, help you gather your things.
If you'd like this is what you can say to him:
"I love you, but our lives have come to a point where we can't be together any longer because I'm trying to change myself for the better. I really hope you can do the same someday. I can't live here. Right now and forever, my sobriety is the most important thing in my life. If I stay with you I don't know what will happen to everything I've worked so hard for these past #insert sober time#. I'm leaving because I think this is the best thing for me. Please don't contact me, I need a clean break. Goodbye."
Hopefully you'll have packed and you can leave. I'll say it once more, if you're serious about staying sober, you will end the relationship and move out and never look back. Remember the girl I was talking about? Once we finally split we spoke once in person and twice on the phone and that was a month, a year and two years after the fact respectively.
Update us. Keep in touch with the board. If you need to call someone and talk you can PM me your number or ask me for mine. I'm willing to support you through this. I know I'm a person on the web, but I'm still willing to be there on the phone with you.
Good luck. Stay Strong. Get Out.
If you live together. Find a way to move out, today. If you don't live together you still need to end the relationship as soon as you can. If you're serious about staying sober you split and you do it fast and clean. Then lose his number and the number of your connections and your friends who use. Get new friends, because the ones that are using won't help you stay sober. They will help you relapse.
I have a coworker who just lost 14 months of sobriety because she got back together with the ex boyfriend who still "occasionally" shoots dope.
I'm curious to know how old you are and how much time do you have? Also, what was your drug of choice? Do you have family you can stay with? Do you have a car? Can you leave where you live to a place where you have sober support? If you do, drop him and go somewhere that is safe.
Right now you just got clean and you love this guy. He stayed with you through recovery, which is huge, but unless he's willing to also get clean your long term outlook isn't good sticking around him. It really is that simple. He might beg you to stay. Being an addict alone sucks. He might cry or threaten when you end it, so have a sober friend on standby. Someone who can get you out, help you gather your things.
If you'd like this is what you can say to him:
"I love you, but our lives have come to a point where we can't be together any longer because I'm trying to change myself for the better. I really hope you can do the same someday. I can't live here. Right now and forever, my sobriety is the most important thing in my life. If I stay with you I don't know what will happen to everything I've worked so hard for these past #insert sober time#. I'm leaving because I think this is the best thing for me. Please don't contact me, I need a clean break. Goodbye."
Hopefully you'll have packed and you can leave. I'll say it once more, if you're serious about staying sober, you will end the relationship and move out and never look back. Remember the girl I was talking about? Once we finally split we spoke once in person and twice on the phone and that was a month, a year and two years after the fact respectively.
Update us. Keep in touch with the board. If you need to call someone and talk you can PM me your number or ask me for mine. I'm willing to support you through this. I know I'm a person on the web, but I'm still willing to be there on the phone with you.
Good luck. Stay Strong. Get Out.
