adder
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 28, 2006
- Messages
- 2,852
Hey Everyone!
I've recently felt a need to share my recent experiences with you as I think there is a lot of people here both active and still lurking having similar problems to mine and having followed wrong paths searching for peace and happiness who could benefit from my story in some way for their battles. I'd also like to call everyone who was addicted and managed to beat their addictions to step in here and share their stories, so we can have a proof for those in doubt that their situation is not hopeless. It is well worth it. A lot of good people are addicts because they have once felt rejected by the world.
I was addicted to benzodiazepines for over 9 years. I took my first temazepam pill in 2014 at the age of 14, I'm 24 now and I quit clonazepam half a year ago. Around the same time I started taking benzos, I used quite a lot of DXM after the first experience with it that had been truly both ecstastic and peaceful making me feel better both emotionally and spiritually. I've always lived partially in my own world blurring reality with fantasy, so I obviously found dancing with fairies and being just atoms constituting my body very pleasant and fulfilling. I didn't really care it was slowly making me withdraw from the reality. A few months later I was already in love with codeine, which had all the positives of DXM for me with the ecstasy toned down and peace emphasized, so I switched and it was the beginning of the strongest addiction of my life, the only one that I haven't managed to beat for good yet.
What drove me to all of this anyway? I was always a rather reserved child albeit much more spontaneous and open than many extroverts are. That openness also led me to naivety, I could never believe the cruelty of people could be so deceitful and so advanced. I was 14 and I fell in love for the first time. I had a crush on my classmate. It was overwhelming for me, she didn't seem to be interested in the same way, and everything I was doing was making it worse. I was shy towards girls, so I couldn't make a bold move and the strength of my feelings was scary to her. We were both too young, but for a very very long time I couldn't make my peace with it and it reflected in all my later relationships. Eventually I felt so ashamed that I stopped going to school for a few months. I thought everyone laughed at me and was against me, and it had a decisive impact on my later life. I was ashamed of my feelings. When I met a girl I liked, I did everything not to show how I feel. I thought that I was being weak feeling, so even if my feelings were returned, I still had it all figured out wrong. Every relationship with a girl lasted short and there was always something wrong. And most of my relationships were only because a girl made the first step.
I progressed with my addictions, I switched from codeine to morphine, then from morphine to heroin. All the people I regularly talked to were addicted, some shared my interest in chemistry, so we were destroying ourselves even more with synthetics. I knew I was deeply addicted when I was already flirting with heroin, so I got myself methadone and I stayed on it for a few years still shooting up if I had a chance to try a new opioid, I was obsessed with all kinds of drugs. I manipulated my psychiatrist into prescribing me clonazepam because it lasts long. I studied chemistry twice, but once I was expelled from the university and the other time I gave up myself in the end. I tried studying IT, but I unknowingly joined an ongoing year and I couldn't catch up. Before I got addicted, I was always among the best at school, I've always loved science and I was curious about the world around me, but then I lost interest in almost everything and when my mind stopped functioning well, I felt like I had lost everything.
When everything seemed hopeless, I began waking up over 2 years ago. I realized I was empty, I could feel neither happy nor sad. It was methadone and clonazepam. I spontaneously tapered off methadone. The withdrawal was a nightmare, it was much worse than withdrawal from any other full agonist that I took. I'm sure that methadone's NMDA antagonism is the reason why my mind was so cloudy and I felt like a zombie. I hated it so much that even when I went mildly psychotic, I didn't feel like drinking the syrup that I still got left. In the end I poured it all out into the lavatory and I felt better inside. But I was so addicted to opioids that I just couldn't get out of the PAWS. I went to a psychiatrist at the clinic for addicts who I had always argued with because he didn't want to place me on methadone maintenance. In the end I landed on Suboxone and for the first time in my life in years I felt both relieved and sober. My mind wasn't so cloudy any more and I began making some progress. I was stable, but I still couldn't succeed in any sphere of my life. I was seeing people, but I felt misunderstood, there were few people that I could truly trust. I began taking stimulants to compensate for opioids and they took all my energy that I had worked for. I was still in the blind.
My current psychiatrist were convincing me that clonazepam is to be blamed and that I will never be happy as long as I take. I couldn't really believe it, I thought that it barely affected me, but then I slowly gained consciousness that all my problems are indeed because of the drugs. I had problems, I couldn't solve them, and I got lost in drugs. Plain and simple. My memory didn't work well and I was constantly depressed. When I ran out of clorazepate for another time, I was too weak to go to the streets and look for a benzo, I didn't even feel like doing so. I started withdrawing from 10-15mg of clorazepate. The withdrawal felt like everything that I had felt for the last few years just stronger, so I realized that clonazepam wasn't really working any more only making me feel worse and worse. I could barely sleep because of horrible nightmares, I felt as if I was possessed by demons. My whole body felt so uncomfortable that at times I wished I could leave it. I was anxious all the time for no reason and I started experiencing all those problems that I'd been hiding. I had depersonalization and derealization, auditory and olfactory hallucinations, and my thoughts felt like constant cognitive dissonance. After the first month my anxiety began subsiding and after two months my memory began improving. But nothing was right yet, I didn't know what to do at all. I went abroad to find a job for a few months, but nobody reakkt wanted to hire a sad person who thinks is nothing. When I lost a job that my cousin got me, I lost all hope and all my money, so I went back home in debt.
I started thinking. I've tapered down Suboxone from 10-12mg to 2mg a day now with the help of DXM. I knew it was lowering my testosterone levels, so I couldn't be confident. When I took DXM on another day in a row, I guess I reached Plateau Sigma. It was a wild ride, I felt as if I woke up at the shore of my consciousness. When it ended, my head was empty and I couldn't think clearly at all. For a few days nothing made sense only for everything to suddenly start making sense out of nowhere. I spontaneously hypnotised myself and I felt as if I was reborn, 10 minutes felt like an hour and I've been further than any dissociative or psychedelic let me go in the past. When I was addicted I started being a very bad person hurting people dearest to my heart. Now I've realised how good I actually am deep inside. I've finally started seeing obvious things that I couldn't earlier because my addictions were stopping me. I felt united with the whole universe, all the galaxies and stars in them, and now I know even in the darkest place no matter how lonely I feel, and I really do, I'm not alone and I can always be understood even if I can't talk to another human. It's going to take a lot of time before I can freely interact with people again, I learn everything from the beginning, but all the pain I was through makes me feel very strong now, and I know I can fight for what I've always believed in.
I know there are a lot of people possessed by addiction. This is my message to each one of you. The day you were born you've been given the most powerful weapon against the evil. It's you, you're made of the same matter and energy everything in the universe is, and all you need to access the universe's good energy is harmony. Both good and evil energy are waves, but the good energy is harmony and the bad energy is chaotic. Even in the most hopeless situation you can create harmony around you. You just need to focus on the inside and kill all the noise from the outside, then you're truly free united with everything good around you, separated from the evil. After all you're just particles that were given a special gift as your soul, however you perceive it. It doesn't matter if you believe in God or not. I was raised as a Catholic, but I perceive God in a completely different way than they picture it. Whichever religion you look deeper into, you'll find out that the base is love, everything stems from it. You need to let all the bad memories go. Most people never fully grow up, because they are told not to. You need to look very deep inside yourself to find out what you really need. Once you have control over your life, you will be free, and all the pain you've been through can only make you stronger and wiser.
Cheers,
adder
I've recently felt a need to share my recent experiences with you as I think there is a lot of people here both active and still lurking having similar problems to mine and having followed wrong paths searching for peace and happiness who could benefit from my story in some way for their battles. I'd also like to call everyone who was addicted and managed to beat their addictions to step in here and share their stories, so we can have a proof for those in doubt that their situation is not hopeless. It is well worth it. A lot of good people are addicts because they have once felt rejected by the world.
I was addicted to benzodiazepines for over 9 years. I took my first temazepam pill in 2014 at the age of 14, I'm 24 now and I quit clonazepam half a year ago. Around the same time I started taking benzos, I used quite a lot of DXM after the first experience with it that had been truly both ecstastic and peaceful making me feel better both emotionally and spiritually. I've always lived partially in my own world blurring reality with fantasy, so I obviously found dancing with fairies and being just atoms constituting my body very pleasant and fulfilling. I didn't really care it was slowly making me withdraw from the reality. A few months later I was already in love with codeine, which had all the positives of DXM for me with the ecstasy toned down and peace emphasized, so I switched and it was the beginning of the strongest addiction of my life, the only one that I haven't managed to beat for good yet.
What drove me to all of this anyway? I was always a rather reserved child albeit much more spontaneous and open than many extroverts are. That openness also led me to naivety, I could never believe the cruelty of people could be so deceitful and so advanced. I was 14 and I fell in love for the first time. I had a crush on my classmate. It was overwhelming for me, she didn't seem to be interested in the same way, and everything I was doing was making it worse. I was shy towards girls, so I couldn't make a bold move and the strength of my feelings was scary to her. We were both too young, but for a very very long time I couldn't make my peace with it and it reflected in all my later relationships. Eventually I felt so ashamed that I stopped going to school for a few months. I thought everyone laughed at me and was against me, and it had a decisive impact on my later life. I was ashamed of my feelings. When I met a girl I liked, I did everything not to show how I feel. I thought that I was being weak feeling, so even if my feelings were returned, I still had it all figured out wrong. Every relationship with a girl lasted short and there was always something wrong. And most of my relationships were only because a girl made the first step.
I progressed with my addictions, I switched from codeine to morphine, then from morphine to heroin. All the people I regularly talked to were addicted, some shared my interest in chemistry, so we were destroying ourselves even more with synthetics. I knew I was deeply addicted when I was already flirting with heroin, so I got myself methadone and I stayed on it for a few years still shooting up if I had a chance to try a new opioid, I was obsessed with all kinds of drugs. I manipulated my psychiatrist into prescribing me clonazepam because it lasts long. I studied chemistry twice, but once I was expelled from the university and the other time I gave up myself in the end. I tried studying IT, but I unknowingly joined an ongoing year and I couldn't catch up. Before I got addicted, I was always among the best at school, I've always loved science and I was curious about the world around me, but then I lost interest in almost everything and when my mind stopped functioning well, I felt like I had lost everything.
When everything seemed hopeless, I began waking up over 2 years ago. I realized I was empty, I could feel neither happy nor sad. It was methadone and clonazepam. I spontaneously tapered off methadone. The withdrawal was a nightmare, it was much worse than withdrawal from any other full agonist that I took. I'm sure that methadone's NMDA antagonism is the reason why my mind was so cloudy and I felt like a zombie. I hated it so much that even when I went mildly psychotic, I didn't feel like drinking the syrup that I still got left. In the end I poured it all out into the lavatory and I felt better inside. But I was so addicted to opioids that I just couldn't get out of the PAWS. I went to a psychiatrist at the clinic for addicts who I had always argued with because he didn't want to place me on methadone maintenance. In the end I landed on Suboxone and for the first time in my life in years I felt both relieved and sober. My mind wasn't so cloudy any more and I began making some progress. I was stable, but I still couldn't succeed in any sphere of my life. I was seeing people, but I felt misunderstood, there were few people that I could truly trust. I began taking stimulants to compensate for opioids and they took all my energy that I had worked for. I was still in the blind.
My current psychiatrist were convincing me that clonazepam is to be blamed and that I will never be happy as long as I take. I couldn't really believe it, I thought that it barely affected me, but then I slowly gained consciousness that all my problems are indeed because of the drugs. I had problems, I couldn't solve them, and I got lost in drugs. Plain and simple. My memory didn't work well and I was constantly depressed. When I ran out of clorazepate for another time, I was too weak to go to the streets and look for a benzo, I didn't even feel like doing so. I started withdrawing from 10-15mg of clorazepate. The withdrawal felt like everything that I had felt for the last few years just stronger, so I realized that clonazepam wasn't really working any more only making me feel worse and worse. I could barely sleep because of horrible nightmares, I felt as if I was possessed by demons. My whole body felt so uncomfortable that at times I wished I could leave it. I was anxious all the time for no reason and I started experiencing all those problems that I'd been hiding. I had depersonalization and derealization, auditory and olfactory hallucinations, and my thoughts felt like constant cognitive dissonance. After the first month my anxiety began subsiding and after two months my memory began improving. But nothing was right yet, I didn't know what to do at all. I went abroad to find a job for a few months, but nobody reakkt wanted to hire a sad person who thinks is nothing. When I lost a job that my cousin got me, I lost all hope and all my money, so I went back home in debt.
I started thinking. I've tapered down Suboxone from 10-12mg to 2mg a day now with the help of DXM. I knew it was lowering my testosterone levels, so I couldn't be confident. When I took DXM on another day in a row, I guess I reached Plateau Sigma. It was a wild ride, I felt as if I woke up at the shore of my consciousness. When it ended, my head was empty and I couldn't think clearly at all. For a few days nothing made sense only for everything to suddenly start making sense out of nowhere. I spontaneously hypnotised myself and I felt as if I was reborn, 10 minutes felt like an hour and I've been further than any dissociative or psychedelic let me go in the past. When I was addicted I started being a very bad person hurting people dearest to my heart. Now I've realised how good I actually am deep inside. I've finally started seeing obvious things that I couldn't earlier because my addictions were stopping me. I felt united with the whole universe, all the galaxies and stars in them, and now I know even in the darkest place no matter how lonely I feel, and I really do, I'm not alone and I can always be understood even if I can't talk to another human. It's going to take a lot of time before I can freely interact with people again, I learn everything from the beginning, but all the pain I was through makes me feel very strong now, and I know I can fight for what I've always believed in.
I know there are a lot of people possessed by addiction. This is my message to each one of you. The day you were born you've been given the most powerful weapon against the evil. It's you, you're made of the same matter and energy everything in the universe is, and all you need to access the universe's good energy is harmony. Both good and evil energy are waves, but the good energy is harmony and the bad energy is chaotic. Even in the most hopeless situation you can create harmony around you. You just need to focus on the inside and kill all the noise from the outside, then you're truly free united with everything good around you, separated from the evil. After all you're just particles that were given a special gift as your soul, however you perceive it. It doesn't matter if you believe in God or not. I was raised as a Catholic, but I perceive God in a completely different way than they picture it. Whichever religion you look deeper into, you'll find out that the base is love, everything stems from it. You need to let all the bad memories go. Most people never fully grow up, because they are told not to. You need to look very deep inside yourself to find out what you really need. Once you have control over your life, you will be free, and all the pain you've been through can only make you stronger and wiser.
Cheers,
adder
