forced to quit but not ready..... need to be strong...

[5M3W]

I feel so fucked... I've been an IV heroin user for two years. I'm five months 3 weeks pregnant. I recently just moved to be home with family for support. I have a past with severe crippling anxiety and depression which lead to the heroin use. It was the only thing I could do that would make me social and able to leave the house. I can't even go in the backyard or get the mail. I moved a few weeks ago and am now waiting for my partner to come down but just had to promise we wouldn't use or else he won't come. I know that I'm already seen as a disappointment in my family and he's the only one I've been able to fully confide in. It should be the easiest choice in my life. I mean he is my life. And I'm having his fucking baby... To start a family AKA a life.
I'm so upset with myself because IK I'm gonna ask when he gets here or before he even makes it here which will essentially end my life as IK it. IK I should quit. For one it's just fucked. Why would you do something that just makes you sick and even more sick when you fuck up and decide to quit AGAIN...? It's fucking the gnarliest shit I've ever done. Drawing back your own blood getting it everywhere when you clot. Puking when you do too much. I even OD'd HOLY FUCK! Just before I got pregnant. My lips were blue and they couldn't wake me up for a few mins. Almost took me to the hospital cos I took my benzos (10 mg valium an hour before the shot) just so I could leave the house and pick up. I have collapsed veins that have gone and come back. I have scars and track marks...... I feel like (cos I am) a junkie. I even promised myself when I was like 12 or some shit that I would never do certain drugs, and after the heroin everything else on the list was just 'meh, why not?' Fuck any morals I had. I'm aware it's stealing my life force but I din't feel ready.
I've been clean for 2 weeks and 2 days. It's the longest I've gone without anything. No weed, no alcohol, no up or down. I did fuck up and do 150 mg of ambien in two days like a week and a half ago, and god knows how much Neurontin the day after. TBH guys, I'm struggling not only with anxiety and depression but hear voices. Which in turn causes the anxiety and depression. It always takes on the form of people around me. Like neighbors I've never talked to. Or worse family. And they always judge. And make me feel worthless. And when I use I sadly feel like a real person again. Able to go out and enjoy my life.

So I guess it's feel like I'm living for a few hours, and lose the life IK. Or somehow MAGICALLY overcome my bullshit (voices, addiction, crippling anxiety and depression) and hopefully keep a hold on the life I see falling apart before my eyes.

I literally want to kill myself. I'm tired of so much more than I can describe right now..... I need help.

 

[meganmcclory26]

hang thing hun, have you tried subutex?

 

[meganmcclory26]

*hang in there, sorry. Just remember, they could take that baby away from you, then what? then he'll find someone else. You've got to stop. The voices aren't real my love, just delusions, a medical condition that has effected thousands maybe millions of people over time. You are not alone.

 

[monie]

Hey

I feel so fucked... I've been an IV heroin user for two years. I'm five months 3 weeks pregnant. I recently just moved to be home with family for support. I have a past with severe crippling anxiety and depression which lead to the heroin use. It was the only thing I could do that would make me social and able to leave the house. I can't even go in the backyard or get the mail. I moved a few weeks ago and am now waiting for my partner to come down but just had to promise we wouldn't use or else he won't come. I know that I'm already seen as a disappointment in my family and he's the only one I've been able to fully confide in. It should be the easiest choice in my life. I mean he is my life. And I'm having his fucking baby... To start a family AKA a life.
I'm so upset with myself because IK I'm gonna ask when he gets here or before he even makes it here which will essentially end my life as IK it. IK I should quit. For one it's just fucked. Why would you do something that just makes you sick and even more sick when you fuck up and decide to quit AGAIN...? It's fucking the gnarliest shit I've ever done. Drawing back your own blood getting it everywhere when you clot. Puking when you do too much. I even OD'd HOLY FUCK! Just before I got pregnant. My lips were blue and they couldn't wake me up for a few mins. Almost took me to the hospital cos I took my benzos (10 mg valium an hour before the shot) just so I could leave the house and pick up. I have collapsed veins that have gone and come back. I have scars and track marks...... I feel like (cos I am) a junkie. I even promised myself when I was like 12 or some shit that I would never do certain drugs, and after the heroin everything else on the list was just 'meh, why not?' Fuck any morals I had. I'm aware it's stealing my life force but I din't feel ready.
I've been clean for 2 weeks and 2 days. It's the longest I've gone without anything. No weed, no alcohol, no up or down. I did fuck up and do 150 mg of ambien in two days like a week and a half ago, and god knows how much Neurontin the day after. TBH guys, I'm struggling not only with anxiety and depression but hear voices. Which in turn causes the anxiety and depression. It always takes on the form of people around me. Like neighbors I've never talked to. Or worse family. And they always judge. And make me feel worthless. And when I use I sadly feel like a real person again. Able to go out and enjoy my life.

So I guess it's feel like I'm living for a few hours, and lose the life IK. Or somehow MAGICALLY overcome my bullshit (voices, addiction, crippling anxiety and depression) and hopefully keep a hold on the life I see falling apart before my eyes.

I literally want to kill myself. I'm tired of so much more than I can describe right now..... I need help.

I registered specifically to reach out to you.. How are you? What's going on? Please write back, I'd like to know you're okay, and see if we can support each other and talk.. ((hugs))

- Monie

 

[herbavore]

If you are hearing voices in addition to everything else you are going through you may need mental health treatment. It is important to deal with your depression and severe anxiety. Pregnancy and post-partum can be scary enough without all these other issues weighing you down. You need to seek help that is not centered solely on your addiction but addresses what is feeding your addiction. It makes sense that you are trying to self-medicate. You are in pain. The problem is that what you are doing is causing more pain than it is helping. Not only that but now you are responsible for the being that you are bringing into life. Don't let yourself feel guilty or ashamed. Ask for help and try to trust that it is there for you. I am holding your entire family in my thoughts.