dakaen
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 13, 2014
- Messages
- 7
The moon was full.
It was declared to be Super.
Noah, Manny, and I traversed into the Valley of Solitude under the cover of night.
All began well. I felt confident. I felt strong. I felt ready.
The goal was the ancient tribal fire...
Noah and I took the acid. Manny refused.
When we reached the Tree of Light it was decided to smoke the herbs.
I knew then that we would fail to reach the fire.
I knew the herbs would prevent us.
I knew I was soon to be overwhelmed.
As we took in the bong rips I began to feel the change that comes after not smoking herb for many a week.
Filled with anticipation and purpose I urged us onwards.
But soon the change would occur.
I'm uncertain when exactly it took place but soon I was so far gone I was Gone.
My mind and body became almost completely detached.
I was nearly if not completely but an observer of my motions and of my speech.
Then the Fear began to set in.
The Heart of Darkness began to swallow my soul.
I began to freak out.
I couldn't maintain calm.
The darkness, the herb, the acid, the coffee, the tobacco.
All these things were smashing around in my mind.
Then as the forest began to close around us and the spiders and bugs became known I only grew more and more afraid.
Soon I cannot even be sure what I was saying.
I could sense tension.
Anger.
Fear and Loathing.
I was destroying the balance of our group and I believe I must have been saying things that only exacerbated the tensions.
At one point I felt as if Manny was some kind of spirit guide.
I felt shame.
I felt as if the spirit of the natives. Of the ancestors was speaking through him.
He was saying things.
Things that made me think that I was being tested.
I felt as if I was failing some kind of great trial.
As if I had a chance to calm myself and accept the situation and thus join the spirits of my ancestors.
At one point I heard from Manny or something else the question of where the native people were.
I replied that they were gone.
To which Manny asked,“Really?”
It was as if I was being lectured.
The tone was serious. And I began to feel more and more ashamed of myself.
I felt as if he was shaming me. Belittling my attempts to be a shaman.
My attempts to reconnect with my tribal ancestors.
All the while I felt I brought this on myself.
I feel I must have said or done something to spark this conflict.
But I was so confused.
It was as if I was in a dream.
I had little to no control over my choices.
Or so that is how it felt.
The farther we got out of the forest as we surrendered our mission the tensions seemed to only rise as the exhaustion and the Fear grew within me.
All of this resulted in one of the most humbling if not terrifying experiences of my life.
When we finally exited the forest and had reached our cars Manny decided to give us a ride home.
His tone was still very unpleasant. Very ominous.
But I felt no anger. I felt only shame for I knew his anger was Righteous.
When we finally returned home I tried to speak with Noah.
I felt as if the entire world had broken and shattered into pieces.
I was certain that the implications of the night were that it was the end of time.
That I had died or went completely insane in that Valley and had never left.
That I was now in some other state of being.
Then the telepathy ensued as me and Noah began to converse via our minds.
It wasn't just that we were reading each others' thoughts.
We were each others' thoughts.
It was as we were one consciousness.
But still somehow it was as if we were two consciousnesses.
One but still Two.
Finally after sharing many an awkward moment and strange and alien moment I finally agreed to go to bed.
Once in my room I began to calm down more.
Still though I was certain that the end of time was neigh.
I was so positive that life as I knew it had ended.
That I was either dead, comatose, or in a dream.
That I would wake up and when I awoke reality may be completely different.
I cannot say or fully explain what happened.
I do know however that the ego was fighting desperately to remain.
This was what caused the Fear.
The Ego would not surrender its host.
This was perhaps the trial that I felt I was supposed to achieve.
To surrender and let go of the Ego.
But the Fear was too strong.
I was not prepared.
I did not free my mind.
What does all this mean for me now?
For one it means that I shall be taking some time to rest from the Medicines.
If anything I was shown that I have a great distance to cross on the path of being a Shaman.
So I shall do all I canto follow the path of Wisdom.
To Surrender the Heart of Darkness
To Embrace the Spirit of Light
It was declared to be Super.
Noah, Manny, and I traversed into the Valley of Solitude under the cover of night.
All began well. I felt confident. I felt strong. I felt ready.
The goal was the ancient tribal fire...
Noah and I took the acid. Manny refused.
When we reached the Tree of Light it was decided to smoke the herbs.
I knew then that we would fail to reach the fire.
I knew the herbs would prevent us.
I knew I was soon to be overwhelmed.
As we took in the bong rips I began to feel the change that comes after not smoking herb for many a week.
Filled with anticipation and purpose I urged us onwards.
But soon the change would occur.
I'm uncertain when exactly it took place but soon I was so far gone I was Gone.
My mind and body became almost completely detached.
I was nearly if not completely but an observer of my motions and of my speech.
Then the Fear began to set in.
The Heart of Darkness began to swallow my soul.
I began to freak out.
I couldn't maintain calm.
The darkness, the herb, the acid, the coffee, the tobacco.
All these things were smashing around in my mind.
Then as the forest began to close around us and the spiders and bugs became known I only grew more and more afraid.
Soon I cannot even be sure what I was saying.
I could sense tension.
Anger.
Fear and Loathing.
I was destroying the balance of our group and I believe I must have been saying things that only exacerbated the tensions.
At one point I felt as if Manny was some kind of spirit guide.
I felt shame.
I felt as if the spirit of the natives. Of the ancestors was speaking through him.
He was saying things.
Things that made me think that I was being tested.
I felt as if I was failing some kind of great trial.
As if I had a chance to calm myself and accept the situation and thus join the spirits of my ancestors.
At one point I heard from Manny or something else the question of where the native people were.
I replied that they were gone.
To which Manny asked,“Really?”
It was as if I was being lectured.
The tone was serious. And I began to feel more and more ashamed of myself.
I felt as if he was shaming me. Belittling my attempts to be a shaman.
My attempts to reconnect with my tribal ancestors.
All the while I felt I brought this on myself.
I feel I must have said or done something to spark this conflict.
But I was so confused.
It was as if I was in a dream.
I had little to no control over my choices.
Or so that is how it felt.
The farther we got out of the forest as we surrendered our mission the tensions seemed to only rise as the exhaustion and the Fear grew within me.
All of this resulted in one of the most humbling if not terrifying experiences of my life.
When we finally exited the forest and had reached our cars Manny decided to give us a ride home.
His tone was still very unpleasant. Very ominous.
But I felt no anger. I felt only shame for I knew his anger was Righteous.
When we finally returned home I tried to speak with Noah.
I felt as if the entire world had broken and shattered into pieces.
I was certain that the implications of the night were that it was the end of time.
That I had died or went completely insane in that Valley and had never left.
That I was now in some other state of being.
Then the telepathy ensued as me and Noah began to converse via our minds.
It wasn't just that we were reading each others' thoughts.
We were each others' thoughts.
It was as we were one consciousness.
But still somehow it was as if we were two consciousnesses.
One but still Two.
Finally after sharing many an awkward moment and strange and alien moment I finally agreed to go to bed.
Once in my room I began to calm down more.
Still though I was certain that the end of time was neigh.
I was so positive that life as I knew it had ended.
That I was either dead, comatose, or in a dream.
That I would wake up and when I awoke reality may be completely different.
I cannot say or fully explain what happened.
I do know however that the ego was fighting desperately to remain.
This was what caused the Fear.
The Ego would not surrender its host.
This was perhaps the trial that I felt I was supposed to achieve.
To surrender and let go of the Ego.
But the Fear was too strong.
I was not prepared.
I did not free my mind.
What does all this mean for me now?
For one it means that I shall be taking some time to rest from the Medicines.
If anything I was shown that I have a great distance to cross on the path of being a Shaman.
So I shall do all I canto follow the path of Wisdom.
To Surrender the Heart of Darkness
To Embrace the Spirit of Light