Well I'm picking up a 5mg day oxycodone IR habit... so far I notice increased energy, motivation, sociability, happiness, ability to concentrate, and reduction in chronic pain... and cravings on days when I do not use. I suffer from excruciating chronic pain in my spine which is the main reason why I am so interested in doing this, and why it's happened so fast. But I was addicted to weed for so long and then one day I couldn't smoke weed anymore because I started getting panic attacks and then when I quit the panic attacks became a 24/7 ordeal and it's been a year of torture and agony. I am prone to addiction due to this history of abuse, I was ripping maybe 50 bong hits a day + a lot of oil dabs. My panic disorder came about due to a combination of the stress from the injury to my back and how it ruined my life in so many ways, and also I have always been prone to anxiety while abusing cannabis, occasionally getting panic attacks when smoking too much weed.
One day I just started using opioids because I thought it might help me cut back on the benzos - and they do but I'm still using those godawful benzos - I haven't taken too many days off but then again it's never more than 5mg of the oxy per day.
I have chronic pain that I can't handle anymore, I've been suffering too long. My life as a sober individual consists of 24/7 chronic, extreme panic attacks and I would off myself in that condition. I can't handle the severity of the attacks, they ROCK my body each and every day - until I picked up a benzo habit that is. I cannot handle them it is out of the question to face those physiological symptoms of my adrenaline going haywire. I just can't face it, not for 10 seconds. After having hundreds to thousands of full blown panic attacks, I've thrown in the towel. There's no point in suffering like that and I really don't think it's good for the heart.
I want off the benzos, but I just don't see it happening. I can't even walk without them, I'm bedridden. They are skeletal muscle relaxants which work to help to relieve my chronic agony. I have no idea if larger doses of opioids could be an effective treatment for severe panic attacks and extreme anxiety. Then I could stop using the fucking benzos and accept life as a full blown opioid addict, maybe switching back and forth between the two.
I feel like I'm slowly getting addicted to oxycodone, but I don't know what else to do. I really, really like oxycodone - in other words, I really like to function as the ideal version of myself, which is impossible without drugs now because I hurt my back and I fried my brain. In regards to the benzos, I'm already fucked. It's been four months of constant use. All of this is a last resort, I just can't handle the fucking suffering anymore of the chronic pain and the never-ending panic attacks.
So 5mg of oxycodone with a couple mg of xanax and 4mg of etizolam, or no benzos at all and something like 30mg a day... either way I'm fucked. And I'll NEVER go back to the way things were before, I'd choose death over that miserable agony of hell. Nothing else works either... I tried a great many more reasonable alternatives but I seem to have had a complete mental breakdown.
There's no need to make fun of me or joke about how fucked up my head is, it's really not funny. It's kind of sad, I just want to be normal ever since I quit weed after having the mental breakdown and triggering panic disorder when I was smoking way too much and going through the agony of the chronic pain and I just can't get back to the normal guy I used to be. I miss those days, when I was just your average pothead, and I was fucking ripped to shreds, I was a total gym rat like it was everything to me... before I hurt my fucking spine and everything went to shit...
It's not like I'm a pussy either, I consider myself very strong minded. But seriously guys, chronic pain in the thoracic region of my spine? For over two fucking years? Just because of a fucking accident doing squats in the gym? I can't even go swimming, I can't hit the gym anymore, I used to run 10km like it was going for a fucking walk, but I cannot even go for a light jog now. If I do any of those, I will be bedridden for days. I used to be really into yoga too, but I am very limited in the asanas I can do now. I used to go for 200km bicycle rides, now I am limited to 30km a day max and it's the only type of exercise I can handle at all. I used to be so physically active, I'm sedentary now. Even having sex takes a lot out of me, it's emasculating and after two fucking years of no help at all from the doctors, I'm picking up the oxycodone habit because I think it will improve my life, due to how miserable it is to begin with.
When I take my oxycodone, I am able to get a lot more physical exercise. 30km of biking a day is enjoyable and I don't have to worry about lying down in pain after.
I'm FINALLY seeing chronic pain specialist, took FUCKING TWO YEARS to get a referral to the chronic pain clinic... idiotic doctors I went back again and again telling them something wasn't right with me at T12... hopefully this doctor who focusses on back problems will be able to help me but I highly doubt it. The pain is never going to go away, and if I can't function in pain, then I probably have good reason to pick up an opioid habit for the rest of my life.