HELP! Destroyed by sex details of wife's affair

[kevmeyer]

My wife and I have been married for 7 years (togetherfor 10). I am 37, she is 32, and our marriage has been amazing up untilrecently. We get into the occasional disagreements like every couple, but forthe most part it has been loving, fulfilling and happy for both of us. Whilenot as frequently as before, we still share an active and healthy sex life aswell. She is truly my goddess: beautiful, smart, funny etc. and I take greatpride in the lifestyle that I provide for us. While I work anywhere from 40-60hours per week, she is a part-time professor at a community college as well asa yoga instructor (her passion).

4 months ago I was rocked when I curiouslypeeked through her email. There was an exchange with a male name I didn’trecognize. I opened the thread to find that this man was emailing my wife sextapes of their affair while they shared sexually explicit banter. A rush ofemotions came over me, but fortunately I had hours to compose from the rage andformulate a plan before she got home. I felt as though I was blindsided: Icould not stop watching the two videos and could not fathom that the life I hadworked so hard to build with her could be taken from me. I packed a preparingto confront her and then leave for the night in order to sort things out on myown.

I dropped the bomb on her and immediately she beganto tear up and sob in front of me admitting to it and profusely apologizing. I gotupset told her I would find another place to stay. Her crying went intohysteria, she was begging & pleading for me to stay. She called non-stopduring the time I stayed at my brother’s leaving messages saying that she lovedme and it was the biggest mistake of her life. After 2 weeks I missed her, so Iwent home to reconcile. I kept asking her how she could do this to me, and eachtime she replied with “I don’t know” or “it just happened.” I found out that hewas a 27 year old professor at the college and began working in my wife’sdepartment months prior.

I told her my trust would have to be earnedback, but she had already come up with a plan to earn my trust back including cuttingthe guy and changing jobs, allowing me to track her phone and car, giving meaccess to her email accounts, submitting to an STD test, and going to therapy. Icould feel the deep remorse and her desire to reconcile. Since, she has beengrateful for the opportunity I have given her, held up her end 100%, andgenerally been a very pleasant & loving person to be around. But if only thetrust could fix the damage.

Even with all this relationship progress, Icannot fight the constant pain and torment that comes from thinking of thedetails of her affair. The memory of the videos is burned into my brain, andfeelings of pain, humiliation, and embarrassment overcome me. This has led tomuch stalled progress as I have harbored much resentment for my wife because ofit.

Their sex was completely unprotected, and he waswell endowed. She did things with this man of that we as a married couple havenever done like wear different lingerie and enthusiastically perform oral sexon him (it feels like a chore when she does it for me). What really hurts isthat she had anal sex with him and swallowed him semen more than once; thosewere two things that I asked her if she was willing to try in our relationship,and she would always detest referring to them as gross or degrading. But wordscannot describe how much she degraded herself in this video. It makes me sickto picture the disgusting things she did like licking his anus or give him oraldirectly following anal. But worst of all, she seemed more enthusiastic about allof it than she ever has about our sex life in 10 years.

I have asked her why she would do such thingsand how she could do things with him that she refused with me. Her answer isalways “I don’t know.” I am constantly being ripped apart seeking an answer tothis question. Needless to say, my self-esteem is shot. I saw with my own eyesthat this man turned her on more than I have and she had a much stronger desireto please him. This has caused us to have intimacy problems ever since. Sinceher answer is “I don’t know,” it is always running through my mind that it wasbecause my penis was too small, that I’m too weak, or that I was an inadequatelover.

These thoughts and feelingsare causing so much emotional turmoil and built up resentment towards my wife.She is putting in such a strong effort, but my feelings don’t seem to go awayor lose intensity. I would like to know if anyone else has dealt with such aproblem. Is it fair to myself or my wife to keep trying to work it out? Anyhelp would be much appreciated as I feel like I am at my wits end.

 

[RedLeader]

"I don't know" is a weak, pathetic answer. She knows damn well why she did those things with him. She had nothing to lose with him, so she was able to push the boundaries without hesitation. With you, she has everything to lose if she degrades herself to the point of losing your respect, and it makes your marriage fall apart. With him, if things went too far, she'd just end the affair and move on. People are typically freakier with casual sex than within relationships. New partners are also more exciting, and when people get caught up in the moment and super turned on by such novel excitement, they'll do anything. They lose their inhibitions.

You don't have kids with her, correct? I'd end this marriage and move on. I don't think you can think this stuff out of your mind. It's over. Unless you're able to somehow get off on seeing your wife with another man, this is the kind of thing that will haunt your nightmares until you choose to distance yourself from it. Meeting someone new down the road will also help you forget about it. But ya, you'll never be able to look her in the face again. The more you try and forget about it, the more your stubborn mind will press replay.

The other thing is that the agreement that you came to, which included you having full view of her email, phone, etc whenever you wish, that's not a healthy way to behave as a couple. I understand why you'd make such changes, why she'd be willing to make them with you, but it's just not the backbone of a good relationship.

So ya, I'd cut your losses and ask for a divorce. I couldn't handle something like this. But if you want to try and think your way through it and save your marriage, then good luck. You'll need it.

 

[Hallucinogens R US]

^ I absolutely agree. I get that it's incredibly hard to let it go, but that whole story is a really big deal. I think you would be better off cutting your losses and moving on, that way you can move forward with your successful working life and she can sit there and let the guilt and regret get to her, cuz what she did is no joke brother.. that's my say on it. Either way you gotta be strong and do what's gonna make you happy in the long run

 

[apneist]

go to survivinginfidelity.com its a great resource of people going through the same pain you are. good luck

 

[DCypha]

Forgive her. The thoughts you keep going over in you head are excuses to be upset with her. I know its a hard thing to forgive but Its a way to let things go and move on. I also don't think its right that you should monitor her phone and emails they are personal things. show her that you trust her again. Maybe she cheated with this guy because she felt she was unable to do these things with you. Its easier to do it to a stranger than it is to someone you know and love dearly.

Be spontaneous get her to dress up in the sexy underwear for you. Spice up you relationship. You can't go wrong. Trust me. I bet she will be stoked and never cheat on you again

I hope I've helped. Maybe not.

 

[neoblazing]

Sorry to say but I have to agree if you keep seeing these images replay in your head you will never rid yourself of them and I don't believe you can truly forgive her for cheating you sound like the sort of person that wouldn't take a wedding vow lightly so you will never trust her again (if you do it will take longer then the relationship has to be fixed imo). That being said if you do want to make I work couples therapy and things like date nights will help to try reconnect with her but trust is such a hard thing to earn back if you can't let go of the resentment you are harboring towards her atm, I would suggest stopping sex as hard as it is to say no to one you love sex is an intimate thing that jumping straight back into it will only make it worse.

If she is truly wanting to make it work she will be able to do the same things when you want that she did with this other man as she enjoyed it with him she should be able to enjoy it with you but that's just how I would feel
Best of luck and do what is best for you and your self esteem

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Sounds like you really gave these videos a good watching...

 

[llama112]

That is something I don't think I could forgive. Wow. I don't think you'll ever be able to fully trust her again.

You seem like a good guy. Yeah, it can be hard to get back into dating again but it's not impossible. You can definitely do it!

 

[BlueSaffron]

So you want her to swallow your cum and do anal, but when she does these things with another man she's "degrading herself"?

If a guy I was with thought that way about doing those acts, I'd go do them with someone else too.

Maybe she did them with him because he made her feel desired, and not like she was dirty or wrong for doing them. While you may have never said to her "anal is dirty", your attitude about it shows through when you comment on her doing it with someone else. I don't expect you to LIKE what she did, but you go further than being angry that she cheated, you're disgusted with her for the kinds of acts YOU WANT HER TO DO WITH YOU.

 

[Abject]

What in the fuck? He had asked to do anal and for her to swallow and she wouldn't.
Giving him a jimjob and doing ATM is what OP found degrading.

Take your projections somewhere else.


None of us can tell you how you'll react/deal with the aftermath of this OP.
Put yourself before her.

 

[tomdpimp]

You don't have power in this relationship, you went back, instead of making her come to you.

Tell her that she must prove her love to you and submit to you in the bedroom. Power is important. It doesn't have to be about getting anal sex, its about control. She owes you.

Submission and domination may help rebuild your relationship.

 

[Roachsucker]

First things first - I assume you dont have kids since there is no mention of children in your post. If you in fact do have children then, imo, that would tip the balance towards toughing it out no matter what...

Now to the point of you two.

You are both well educated and intelligent persons, two reasons for which it should be easy for her to understand that "I dont know why" and "it just happened" does not cut it.

If you are both serious about getting your marriage back on track then you will both have to start being honest about what has happened. She MUST give you a reason, no matter how uunpleasant or difficult it may be to discuss this topic. She must do this for the both you, for the following reasons:

1. Sobbing, calling and generally begging forgiveness is good enough for a high school crush, not for a married couple... even access to an email account reeks of a shortcut to "show you are sorry" rather than trying to find a solution to the underlying problems

2. as an extension of point 1. - this will help you understand where you are not living up to her expectations, or where you are not satisfying her needs.

I completely disagree with using this episode as leverage to get her to submit to you in bed. Throwing a good fuck in your direction is again a short term patch instead of the long term mending your marriage needs. In fact I think it would do more harm than good - ever see the southpark episode where satan is going out with a camp guy but is attracted to the dirty sex he gets with his former lover saddam hussein?

Bottom line: you have found tge strength to go back to her, and she seems conscious of how much she hurt you. This is the mix you need to clear things up. Miss this chance (or worse yet misuse it) and all this can happen again further down the road.

Good luck man.
Roach

 

[pofacedhoe]

what makes it shit for me is her doing things with someone else that she refused to with you.

you can talk about trust and tracking cars but if the sex in the cheating is the same as what you get its much less negatively indictave than if you are being told "i wont do that" and shes at it with someone else up the arse.

hmmmmmm, dunno what to say

 

[What 23]

So you want her to swallow your cum and do anal, but when she does these things with another man she's "degrading herself"?

If a guy I was with thought that way about doing those acts, I'd go do them with someone else too.

Maybe she did them with him because he made her feel desired, and not like she was dirty or wrong for doing them. While you may have never said to her "anal is dirty", your attitude about it shows through when you comment on her doing it with someone else. I don't expect you to LIKE what she did, but you go further than being angry that she cheated, you're disgusted with her for the kinds of acts YOU WANT HER TO DO WITH YOU.

Totally need to pay more attention when reading dude.

She is the one who said it was degrading.

OP- I can feel what others have said. I don't think "cutting your losses" at this point and moving on will help you, really. I can see that backfiring and making things feel worse, considering still the intensity of the bad hadn't died down.

I kind of second the taking control that another poster suggested. Making her submit. There is definitely something you need to get out of your system/some demon that needs exercising.

I don't know. Maybe some day something might click, and you won't be attached anymore. Right now I know its all hard to accept. And it seems she can't accept just what she did, either.

Different views.

I wouldn't take it as you are inadequate. People are dynamically fucked up creatures. Not meant to be insulting to her... But we are animals. Having compassion for her might help.

And maybe, maybe she holds you to a higher standard than she did this other guy. Maybe that she said in your presence that she felt degraded by it... And that's in her head. In light of your kind of relationship, how she feels about it, might be complex. She may have been using this guy. It was a chance for her to get out of some framework. Where you are sacred, he is not (to her, like that- like you are, in marriage).

There are girls who I can't see having sex with vaginally... Or, I would on a level prefer not to (though, in life I do). For awhile, I could only get into imagining one girl, when masturbating. And the only way, was vaginal (not that other things I wouldn't do or don't want to, but that's the target). Even still she is who I really want. But, when I watch porn, I don't want most of- sometimes any of them vaginally. Or others, sometimes. Anal appeals more(though I admit porn does not much for me in full and its hard to get into after her). I'm not sure exactly what was going on, except that i could only accept her being pregnant by me- not others (not other girls, by me). All I'm trying to illustrate is that it may have nothing to do with you being "inadequate".

I would say she loves you. Don't throw it away, at least.

 

[severely etarded]

Totally need to pay more attention when reading dude.

She is the one who said it was degrading.

OP- I can feel what others have said. I don't think "cutting your losses" at this point and moving on will help you, really. I can see that backfiring and making things feel worse, considering still the intensity of the bad hadn't died down.

I kind of second the taking control that another poster suggested. Making her submit. There is definitely something you need to get out of your system/some demon that needs exercising.

I don't know. Maybe some day something might click, and you won't be attached anymore. Right now I know its all hard to accept. And it seems she can't accept just what she did, either.

Different views.

I wouldn't take it as you are inadequate. People are dynamically fucked up creatures. Not meant to be insulting to her... But we are animals. Having compassion for her might help.

And maybe, maybe she holds you to a higher standard than she did this other guy. Maybe that she said in your presence that she felt degraded by it... And that's in her head. In light of your kind of relationship, how she feels about it, might be complex. She may have been using this guy. It was a chance for her to get out of some framework. Where you are sacred, he is not (to her, like that- like you are, in marriage).

There are girls who I can't see having sex with vaginally... Or, I would on a level prefer not to (though, in life I do). For awhile, I could only get into imagining one girl, when masturbating. And the only way, was vaginal (not that other things I wouldn't do or don't want to, but that's the target). Even still she is who I really want. But, when I watch porn, I don't want most of- sometimes any of them vaginally. Or others, sometimes. Anal appeals more(though I admit porn does not much for me in full and its hard to get into after her). I'm not sure exactly what was going on, except that i could only accept her being pregnant by me- not others (not other girls, by me). All I'm trying to illustrate is that it may have nothing to do with you being "inadequate".

I would say she loves you. Don't throw it away, at least.

I disagree. I think this woman is a whore and the fact she didn't have the guy use condoms and swallowed his jizz, gave the other guy better head shows a great deal more intimacy. The fact he was sending videos to her should raise major red flags. So she wants to let u track her car? Then the other guy will be banging your wife in YOUR house!!

 

[malakaix]

She knows why she did it.. this whole 'i don't know' crap is immature. Maybe she wanted to be dominated, either way i would grill her until you get a real answer..

I personally couldn't forgive this.. it's not compassion, its weakness.. and she will take advantage of that again.

 

[adder]

I don't usually post in these forums as I'm really no role model in relationship matters. But after reading your post, kevmeyer, I just felt I had to reply.

I fully agree that what your wife is now doing is simply manipulating you. I would never forgive a girl if she had sex with another guy. When I'm not in a relationship, I can somehow treat sex quite loosely. I've always needed a lot of closeness and it's not really easy to find the one and only girl, so honestly while not being in a relationship I can have sex with a friend as long as she's completely fine that we're not a couple and we're just satisfying our needs. When I'm in a relationship and my girlfriend accepts me as her partner knowing what person I am, then it's unacceptable for me if she's intimate in any way with another guy. I once broke up with my ex-girlfriend, because she let another guy keep her in his arms. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't two friends hugging, it was much too much.

I feel really sorry for you. I have never been cheated in the way your wife cheated on you, but I think any kind of cheating is emotionally equal if you feel deeply hurt. If I were you, I would get a divorce, move on with my life, give myself as much time as needed to heal, and then start looking for a woman that could be 100% open with me no matter what. Certainly it may take time, but I can't imagine my future with a woman who gets embarrassed to do something with me and feeling completely fine with doing that with someone else. I can understand a lot and I mean it. I'm an INFP and I had extreme social anxiety issues in the past that had a lot to do with girls, so I easily empathise with other people having problems with being close etc. I definitely wouldn't force a girl do something that she doesn't want to do, but if I am in a relationship, then I expect my partner to treat me as the right person to be told about ANY problem, and I expect my partner to take seriously any problem that I tell her about. When I'm in love with someone, then I'd honestly kill for that person.

I'm sure that if you hadn't found out, she would still be cheating on you. I honestly don't think that you'll ever manage to feel comfortable with what she's done, so you'll never truly be happy with her.

 

[little BIG Pecker]

I think you need to find a way to make her prove her loyalty and forgiveness to you.. Maybe temporary separation & time apart is the key, but I'm not sure, and you should be the one to make call depending on how you feel.

If I really loved her, I would be willing to give her a second chance. I think it was really fucked-up for that professor to pursue someone's wife like that and especially in a sober state of mind. Maybe she is truly regretful and seeks forgiveness. You're the judge here.

I wish you the best man!

 

[severely etarded]

If she's swallowing the guy's jizz, videotaping herself getting pounded in the ass wothout a condom by the guy, trust me she's not gonna stop cheating. I would cut ties before she brings u an STD. It's one thing to cheat but to do so without condoms is much worse. It shows an even deeper disregard for you.

Trust me the fact you're going to jealously track her is going to provoke more sneaking around. People get a rush sneaking around, particularly women. The only way she's going to stop is if u murder someone, which isn't close to worth it. Let her go man. Plenty of other women out there.

 

[LilbabiC]

If she can't give you an answer as to why she did all of these sexual things with another man then your relationship is lacking HONESTY & COMMUNICATION. Did you ever seek therapy? If not I suggest that you do. A trained therapist can help her learn to communicate properly and can teach you coping skills so that you can possibly make peace with the situation.