Opiate relationships and trying to get clean.

[kace]

My boyfriend and I've been together since last August, I first started using heroin with him whilst I was struggling from tapering off benzos whilst he was already addicted and using everyday. I first tried to get help a month in, and on and off of subutex since November. I keep failing at getting out (depression and anxiety) everyday and losing my script. My boyfriend is now ready and up for quitting heroin too, like me has been put on subutex script. We aren't doing so well getting clean together. Part of me thinks we should let go of each other, concentrate on getting sober and healthy ourselves and see how things work.

I don't know.. I'm just sick of being the one with the motivation to get off it and hate being around it. Today we planned on being clean and going to get the subutex, but I woke up to him smoking gear on my floor. He looked shocked I woke up as my sleeping pills knock me out. He lied and lied saying it was leftovers from a festival at the weekend (which he took my card and spent a fair amount without asking.). I know there was nothing left though, as we finished smoking it there! Turns out he had bought another bunch of heroin before I was up and smoking up again. It's not that which bothered me, more of how he lied so easily to my face about it and I trusted him 100%. I know how hard it is, and to relapse and understand- going through it with him!

Sorry. I do love him, I want things to work out between us and we are so close. I thought we could get clean together, but having someone who keeps buying it and still constantly smoking it is just becoming really exhausting and a bit frustrating as I'm not. Sorry, just nobody to talk to and ask for advice. What should I/ we do?


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Also my apologies if this is in the wrong forum. I wasn't sure if it should be in this or relationship. Please move if wrong.

 

[szuko000]

I was in a place like that. There were days where she was strong and I was weak because we both weren't ready to get clean. If I could change one thing about this situation i find myself in its that I would have been harder on her, as I got clean but she hasn't.

Like you I love my girlfriend, we discovered opiates then heroin together after over a year of being together. I basically had to watch her depression turn to suicidal to isolationism and so on. I guess our problem was she was using heroin to cope I wasn't.

So here I sit clean over 8 months off my sub program and she's still shooting up daily. Because I never taught her to shoot up and her fear of missing I get to do that for her multiple times a day. She's gotten a lot Better working on weening down, it's been bumpy but mind you it's been 1.5 years since my last shot. Someday she will get clean when she's ready and I will wait my life for that time because I love her and do not feel her addiction is a reason to give up on love so strong.

My point being two things:
1) you can and will do anything for love, if you love someone who uses you won't relapse because you set the example in a sense. I have an obligation to her, and now my little bro , to stay clean to prove they can.

2) this life I live is not for everyone. I have made more sacrifices for her and given up huge chunks of life and dreams for her but that's my love for her.

No one can tell you the path I can only say I work with dope daily as a former daily IV user and it doesn't bother me. Oh the things we do for love.

Also just noticed you've only been together since August. It's all so complicated and individual, you can basically say "maybe if we met in another life / time" if doing drugs together is all you do. I am not sugar coating it in the least my life is much different then it would have been and if you wish to find yourself on your own you should. PM me if you wish.

 

[JunkieDays]

Hah. Good luck is all I can say.
Unless you two go to rehab at the same time, I don't see you two getting off of drugs in the near future.

 

[kace]

szuko000- That's lovely what you have done for her and have stuck by her. It must be really hard. I find what you said about setting a sense.. thanks I will try and set a good example, just do it and hope that motivate him. I think it's harder for him in some ways as he's used for much longer and is so used to the routine. He doesn't inject but smokes and feels it, where I did IV occasionally, but don't now and haven't for a long time. I do join in and smoke with him, but don't to get high, it just gets rid of the wds if I'm not on subutex.

Junkiedays- Hah, yeah. That's what it feels like. I'm not enjoying this at all though, so sick of being physically ill from it. I know I've got to stop one way or another. I'd rather be dead than continue using for the rest of my life. I do have a chance of rehab and have been trying for months to be referred, but it's a slim chance and not for 2-3 months at least.

 

[placid space]

Seen a lot of couples go this way and it never ends well. You need to first take care of yourself if you want to be strong for him. Sounds cliché but I think its the only way. And the moment he starts lying and stealing, even a little bit, it only gets easier for him to do it the next time. And smoking behind your back the next time. He doesnt want to quit obviously.
The worst thing in these cases is that you listen to his words too much, his rationalization rather than actions.. Addicts are masters of storytelling, even to eachother. His actions are clear, you need to leave or kick him out. And honestly, being on opiates, stealing, .... and talking about love doesnt make sense. You havent even been together long and breaking trust so early in the relationship is not good. If you love someone you put their feelings before yours.

Give him maybe one more ultimatium and then get your act together by yourself. Unless you want to be in the exact same spot years from now because these cycles repeate themselves with slight variations indefinitely..

 

[kace]

Thank you for your response. You're so right about listening to his words and all the rationalisations.. Ah it's so a crap situation. I am just as bad at times, I am really struggling with my original problem (tapering off of benzos), finding it so hard to leave the house and am always stuck in bed with a chest infection (I am pretty sure it's long term bronchitis or pneumonia again) plus anxiety and depression. I can't do anything for myself at times, and have just lost my subutex script as I failed to make it to the pharmacy.

 

[placid space]

Thank you for your response. You're so right about listening to his words and all the rationalisations.. Ah it's so a crap situation. I am just as bad at times, I am really struggling with my original problem (tapering off of benzos), finding it so hard to leave the house and am always stuck in bed with a chest infection (I am pretty sure it's long term bronchitis or pneumonia again) plus anxiety and depression. I can't do anything for myself at times, and have just lost my subutex script as I failed to make it to the pharmacy.

I have never in my life had problems with bronchitis or pneumonia like symptoms until opiates. If you browse the forums you will find other people having it also, it is documented that using opiates does that. For some reason certain people are very affected others almost not at all or it takes very long time. You seem to be more like me. And it only gets worse with certain batches (havent figured out yet the trigger, tho bad dope is one for sure). I have also gotten significantly worse with pure morphine pills (instant release only , not ER). Felt like instant pneumonia after taking them. After stopping and 3-4 days I was fine (more or less) again.
Maybe slightly off topic but this is also kind of scary because most doctors dont know about it or never consider the connection. People with lung disease and after surgery are often given morphine pills. If that person is one of the more susceptible ones and then developes pneumonia/bronchitis symptoms, they will be treated for it with antibiotics and oxygen possibly, even though its because of the pills. Dont want to think how many people die horribly unable to breathe because of such ignorance.
So regarding the chest problem, be careful, with lungs you can do permanent damage. The funny thing is, you get better when you are taking dope for the time you are high and then it hits out again. And you need to take it again. After a while, youre barely making it up the stairs if youre not high. And takes longer and longer to recover(months even) after you get clean. Also try to avoid smoking (dope or cigarettes).

 

[VerbalTruist]

I think that it's time to sever the tie and focus on what is best for you and your recovery. If it were me (I've been in the situation before) I would truly cut off all contact. Explain your reasons and walk away. Find a sponsor, go to meetings, build a support system.

 

[ohshea]

Szuko- not everyone is as strong as you. Just the thought of opiates is enough to catapult someone into a relapse, let alone living with an active user. Your situation is the exception, definitley not the norm.

Two addicts together is not a good idea. It is difficult for both to get clean even if they are both for it, imagine how hard it is when only one's head is in the game. He has already begun to take advantage of you with lying and stealing and it will most likely continue to get worse. Some people are hopeless romantics, such as szuko seems to be. But some people need tough love, not enabling. Youve only been w the guy since august, there are many fish in this sea, including ones who have no drug problem or have conquered their drug problem.

 

[kace]

Ohshea and euphoricnod- thank you. Yes part of me just knows you are right and the best thing to do is to leave. I am sorry.. I do love him to bits, but it just feels far too much at the moment. I hate how yesterday he pushed me into using my money to pick up. I had nothing all day and was dealing with the wds well, till he turned up. Argh I feel so horrible saying this, I make him sound like a bad person but he isn't.

I am planning on moving away, found a place about 30 mins on a bus in the countryside. I thought it was a good idea as I could focus on getting clean and healthy. There is a problem with coming into town to get my script, but the rent is cheap and there is no deposit.. It's a lovely house, with a massive double room, a jacuzzi bath, loads of animals too which I love. To me it's like a makeshift rehab!

My boyfriend insists that it is a terrible idea though, and I am left not knowing what to do or where to go. It is obviously a lot simpler living in my current house, but I hate it, reminds me of terrible times and my housemates are more nuts than me. There was poo going from my housemates door, past mine all the way to the bathroom yesterday for example.. My housemate is currently shouting about God and mumbl jumbo too, it is always like this.

Maybe moving out is the best answer? Then I can have space from my triggering and using boyfriend, and be a bit selfish and work on making myself healthy.

Ugh. Wow. Sorry, things seem so clearer now I have put them in writing. The new lovely potential landlord collects cars has even offered me on to help get to town. The house is a bit of a farmhouse though. I need to be together enough to move all of my belongings and just do it. My god, I didn't realise how I have been listening to my bf over my heart and gut instinct to go and move there. I'm so sorry I am rambling, but I can finally think about it seriously.

I have never in my life had problems with bronchitis or pneumonia like symptoms until opiates. If you browse the forums you will find other people having it also, it is documented that using opiates does that. For some reason certain people are very affected others almost not at all or it takes very long time. You seem to be more like me. And it only gets worse with certain batches (havent figured out yet the trigger, tho bad dope is one for sure). I have also gotten significantly worse with pure morphine pills (instant release only , not ER). Felt like instant pneumonia after taking them. After stopping and 3-4 days I was fine (more or less) again.
Maybe slightly off topic but this is also kind of scary because most doctors dont know about it or never consider the connection. People with lung disease and after surgery are often given morphine pills. If that person is one of the more susceptible ones and then developes pneumonia/bronchitis symptoms, they will be treated for it with antibiotics and oxygen possibly, even though its because of the pills. Dont want to think how many people die horribly unable to breathe because of such ignorance.
So regarding the chest problem, be careful, with lungs you can do permanent damage. The funny thing is, you get better when you are taking dope for the time you are high and then it hits out again. And you need to take it again. After a while, youre barely making it up the stairs if youre not high. And takes longer and longer to recover(months even) after you get clean. Also try to avoid smoking (dope or cigarettes).

Thank you for replying so much. Yes x 100000 to what you have said about the lungs, breathlessness and using. I am really struggling with it at the moment and am finding it hard to get help from doctors. I have symptoms almost identical to those of pneumonia, which I find scary is shit. I am terrified of leaving my room at the moment as its really playing up, and I can't make it back up to my room without having some horrible asthma/ not being able to breathe attack. I find it really difficult to get help for this. I'm pushing my doctor to do some tests, they are crap though and I have to wait another 2 weeks for just a basic test for my lungs. Then, I might be able to get another chest X-ray. It got really bad last September (just a month in from smoking), and I was sent to hospital for an X-ray but they actually lost it!

Yes you are completely right. I sometimes think it would actually be safer to inject to help save my lungs!

 

[placid space]

Thank you for replying so much. Yes x 100000 to what you have said about the lungs, breathlessness and using. I am really struggling with it at the moment and am finding it hard to get help from doctors. I have symptoms almost identical to those of pneumonia, which I find scary is shit. I am terrified of leaving my room at the moment as its really playing up, and I can't make it back up to my room without having some horrible asthma/ not being able to breathe attack. I find it really difficult to get help for this. I'm pushing my doctor to do some tests, they are crap though and I have to wait another 2 weeks for just a basic test for my lungs. Then, I might be able to get another chest X-ray. It got really bad last September (just a month in from smoking), and I was sent to hospital for an X-ray but they actually lost it!

Yes you are completely right. I sometimes think it would actually be safer to inject to help save my lungs!

Im not sure how much doctors can help you with this. They might give you something to help with the sympthoms but the cause of the problem is yours to deal with. If you get clean your lungs should be fine again after a while. But the longer you use, the longer it will take for your lungs to get fine again until you probabily get to a point when they dont any more. The best you can do is : do not smoke cigarrettes (that will makes it 100x times worse), find dope as quality as possible, do not smoke the dope(or anything for that matter), if snorting only do smaller lines (and snort a drop or two or warm water afterwards to help your nose a bit).

And injecting also damages the lungs. Smoking just makes it worse faster. What for me is the best method of taking it, is, its difficult to describe, crush the dope to fine powder. Then prepare a short little rolled up paper like you do for snorting. Open it up, put dope inside along the length of it, carefully roll it up again, so the dope is inside the tube. You put your head horizontally(or back and tilted to the side..or what you feel best), put the tube half inside the nose and shake the powder into the nose(moving the roll a little bit so its not all of it exactly on the same spot in the nose and maybe massage the side of the nose a bit to spread the powder a bit). While still holding the head horizontal (so the powder doesnt fall out), you (best for this is a water dropper you can get in pharmacy, I actually have that thing to clean baby's noses, it works great) drop a few (warm if possible) small drops of water (one or two) inside the nose, pinch the nose a bit (and close the other side)and snort it. While snorting you can again massage the side of the nose a bit. In any case, I find this method is the best for absorbtion and none of the powder gets in or irritates the lungs.

And yeah, like others have said.,leave already, its your life. Dont waste it like this, waiting for somebody else to change. Youll feel so much better and free.

 

[kace]

Yeah you're right, it's my lungs and only I can change things. I went to an out of hours gp, like you said they can't do much other than give me another inhaler, and put me on amoxicillin, then clarithromycin and prednisolone. If they don't work they want to put me on steroids.. I know if I stop smoking dark it will stop. This just gives me more motivation to, it was hell and so painful trying to cycle to the hospital. I don't smoke weed or roll ups anymore, just ecigs and shishas when I'm feeling okay.

I'm now moving out, into the countryside to get sober. I'm taking a small amount of heroin, plus subutex. I've never tried snorting it, thank you for the advice, I'm going to try your technique.

 

[Carl Landrover]

I have that lung thing. It was worse with snorting versus shooting, but it still happens with shooting.

I have to use the Advair inhaler everyday now and I still have an albuterol inhaler as well. I used to run cross country and track in HS and never had a problem with asthma, but I do now ever since starting dope.

The first time it really happened to me was about 8 years ago. I got so bad that I would get out of breath doing almost anything. It was scary actually because if I rolled over in bed too quick or sat up too fast I would get out of breath. It got to be that bad. I would have to cease all movement, shut my eyes, make myself calm down, and just focus on catching my breathe if I sat up too quickly or did something similar. I went to the ER and was immediately admitted. Almost right away they had me hooked to oxygen and were giving me nebulizer treatments. It was scary.

I then had to be admitted to the hospital and since I was staying there all night I started to go through heroin WDs for the first time ever. That was a long night. Simultaneously my family found out I was using heroin. It was pretty much one of the worst nights of my life.

 

[kace]

Fucking hell man, I'm so sorry you are going through this as well and had what is my worst fear come true. (being in hospital going through wds and family finding out about everything). I hope you're okay now, how are things going? It's so terrifying when you can't breathe, I get so scared too, and not much scares me. I had to cycle to hospital yesterday, not far but then up a massive hill.. I haven't been in that much pain for so long, I felt like a fish suffocating and had this terrible pain under my ribs. I honestly thought I wouldn't make it and would pass out from cycling and then walking with my bike. Ugh. I know at times like that I should be admitted as I simply am not getting enough oxygen in, but hate the thought of being in hospital and going through withdrawals.
I wish I could just get an oxygen tank for when it gets unbearable. Do you find it on and off or consistently bad?

 

[mostly-human]

Argh I feel so horrible saying this, I make him sound like a bad person but he isn't.

Don't worry, pretty much every heroin addict understands this. And we've all had experiences of being on both sides of that situation and if you haven't (been on the other side) then you truly haven't sunk as low as maybe you think you have. But it gets there, gets everyone, eventually.

My own story - my wife and I are were both ex-addicts when we got together and for years we helped each other build a better life. Sadly, due to some tragic occurances, we relapsed a couple years ago and since then it's been a constant struggle, with periods using daily, periods on maintenance programs and periods clean. It has been nothing short of a nightmare and the really sad part is, as much as it is amazingly wonderful to have somebody there for you during this time in life, it is also catastrophic, because suddenly it takes two people to align the will power at the same time, to have any chance of breaking through. Countless times it has been one or the other of us who has broken and usually all it takes is the fucking word. Like literally, the word 'heroin'. Once it has been said out loud, we both know it's on. Sometimes we dance around it for a few hours, but regardless, soon as it's been thrown out there, it is going to happen.

That said, I would never, never ever, leave my wife over this shit. What is more, she and the life I've built and am building with her is about the only fucking reason I even try to get clean. If we split, I'd never come back from it. I know this. It's the idea of building a family, of building something real and beautiful that allows me to at least entertain the idea of getting clean, it's what allows me to want to get clean.

But it's tough. it's really fucking tough.

 

[szuko000]

I realize the life I live is probably not manageable for most but I think it can be possible for anyone. I just get tired of people convincing couples to break up, yes I understand you can feed off of eachothers weakness and yes that happened to me, until I quit for my own reasons. Now I'm not saying its not hellish at times but maybe I have more sins to pay for still.

I think what is most important is the individual of course and as stated most can't do this, but I like to share my story as it can shed a glimmer of hope for those who found love at a mature age and had to watch as they possibly destroyed someone else's life and ruined a love shared between two in the name of fun and happiness. I think if you have been with someone for a while its important to know this side, because everyone says its not possible.

But I do agree with most people after I saw its only been months not years. I think what my mom said after I lost my first girlfriend at 17 "go find youself and if its truly meant to be your paths will cross again, if not then love is always waiting for you to find it."