I went into treatment back in September. I've been living in a halfway house since October, though I'm hoping to get my own place soon. I'll admit, I know it's only a matter of time before I try using H again once I'm out, although I'll probably try sniffing first. Can't deny that I know how my head works.
Hey Nocturne, I get it...but maybe ask yourself where that ends up? At best, you're right back where you are now (unless you suddenly figure out the secret formula to managing a dope habit) and it's not really worth going through "at worst". Life's dreary in a program, but it gets a little bit easier the further away you get. You tell yourself that the only thing that truly feels good is that first few minutes after that first no-tolerance bag..and you want it. Funny thing is, every time I ever went back, I always had that moment where I was still rushing, but knowing that I'd crossed back over. I could usually forget about it, being high and getting caught up in the chaos of a run, but I knew.
I remember being at Lynn TSS back in fall of 08, and I kept obsessing about wanting to smoke a cigarette that just went down smooth. I'd drink tons of coffee to get a nice buzz going, just so I could really pull that cigarette, but I was fooling myself..I wanted dope, not dunks.
You'll either do it or you won't, and unless you become one of my patients, or you rob me, it will have no impact on me whatsoever. But telling yourself that it's only a matter of time, you're already using the language that gives yourself the go ahead. There must've been some reason you stopped? Maybe it was cold outside and you wanted a bed, or you ran out of money, maybe you just couldn't take it anymore. Now, you feel good (as in, waking up dry and able to look someone in the eye without crippling anxiety), but not that good. Life kinda sucks when you don't have the euphoria of the walk up to the bathroom, locking the door while someone orders a cruller and an extra extra french vanilla iced in a hotcup, 20 feet away. But that fucking sucks. You just went back over again...you're sitting in a Dunkin Donuts bathroom, sweating, and the first thought you get is...now what? That's it, that was your plan. Get high...and all that work you've done is gone, unless...you lie! Beat a urine, get away with it, pretend you went to a meeting, whatever you gotta do.. No one will know, but it won't matter, because you were numb from the boring, terrible and unforgiving world for a few hours. Unfortunately, this makes your world even more unforgiving, you use more to hide from it, and eventually, real consequences. Kicked out, homeless, anyone you still have is disappointed, dope sick, commit a crime, get a bag, don't get caught, come up, get on soboz, beat some urines, munch johnnies...whatever you got to do to just survive, this is the focus now. You're back in it, running...until the next time you've had enough, it's cold, or you just can't hustle up money..or worse.
Don't stop using just to not do heroin. That's a really bad reason to stop. Not doing heroin sucks (at first). Find people who kind of want to get to know you, not the tools in a halfway house, I'm talking real people, that you can talk about real things with. Get yourself involved in something social, build connections to other humans who don't discount you right away, you can do that when you're abstinent because you're not always wondering how much money they have in their coat pocket. Go to a meeting, Go to smart recovery, go to therapy and actually be fucking honest and ask for help, get on suboxone, but use it as a tool, not a bandage, ask for fucking help from other people who can help you in some way. Fuck, ask me, I'll listen to your pain.
Do dope, you just punt this conversation to next year. Trust me, I stopped punting it in 2008 and there's no fucking way I would go back. I was lucky, fent was barely on the radar back then, but I couldn't stand seeing the few friends I had, dying. I couldn't deal with a family who had given up on me, I couldn't even remember what it was I had wanted to do with my life...and I'd graduated college only 3 years earlier. I was lost, and I just did what people who seemed to know what they were doing told me to do. I'm not abstinent these days, but I have an acceptable relationship with substances that do not involve the ones I know will suck me in.
Find a purpose in life...find something to work for..something more than just making it through another day, wishing you had given someone your last 40$.
Love you man. Hope you're still around to read this.
