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I'm done

P.o.T.u.S said:
For what its worth im sure the guy your seeing still likes u.hell im starting to like u lol.u have more strength than any woman ive met and u seem very capable of making your life something you can be proud of...if u can get over this u can do anything..theres only up from here%)
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Thanks for saying that. Sometimes I post here and then the next day I read it and think "god, people probably are like just STFU already, you made your bed go lie in it, you're not doing cold turkey you're on a taper, how bad could it be?" It just helps me to write things out here, whether or not people reply (although I appreciate it when they do).

I've stuck with it this long, I do feel like I'm just starting to be on the downslope, and like I don't really think I'll use again. But I don't want to be too cocky about that, because I remember a week or two ago the strong craving that just hit me out of the blue when I was driving, saying "you know what, seriously, fuck all this, lets go cop." There's something I want more than drugs though. That's what keeps me going.
 
Blue, no one here would dare trivialize what you're going thru. Somebody without a drug history maybe could just because they have no reference point to understand what you are going thru. But here, anyone with any understanding of opiate addiction knows that you are doing nothing less than fighting for your life...and you are doing amazing. I don't know you but I am proud of you!
 
Also i know you want off this ride. I sympathize incredibly with you on this. However as I never was able to successfully quit ct off methadone, Idk. Someone else with that experience would have to chime in. But I will say this, with the determination you have shown thru this ordeal, I'm sure you could do anything you really wanted to do.
 
realtalkloc said:
share with us what that is, im really interested. same thing happened to me.
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love. Not just liking someone or being attracted to someone, but the real thing, where you think about them as soon as you wake up and the last thing before you fall asleep... just their hand on your arm gives you goosebumps, you can tell them anything, and your idea of a perfect day together includes like 5 hours in bed. It makes me happier than any drug ever has, and my addiction is only going to get in the way of it, so the addiction has to go.
 
Hold up..im having a premonition...in the not so distant future.i see Blue Saffron on a beach with her man laughing and smiling with drug addiction a distant memory and the only thing shes addicted too is waking up next to the man of her dreams more in love than the night before =D
 
P.o.T.u.S said:
Hold up..im having a premonition...in the not so distant future.i see Blue Saffron on a beach with her man laughing and smiling with drug addiction a distant memory and the only thing shes addicted too is waking up next to the man of her dreams more in love than the night before =D
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awwww.... dang it, is someone cutting onions in here? :p Thank you P.o.T.u.S. :)
 
Your welcome.im happy to help ive enjoyed reading your lil story/thread and dont ever think we all dont want to hear about your day and how you are doing im sure this thread will help someone in the future say if she can do it WHY CANT I!!!
 
bad day, crying in the afternoon day. trying not to cry on my walk, ect.

I thought about doing some dope, but instead of just thinking about how much better I would feel, I thought about what would happen after. I'd probably mess up my taper. Even if I bought a half gram, with my low tolerance I'd have stuff left over for days, I'd be tempted to do it, and if I gave in and did it everyday for a few days I'd mess up my taper even more. And if I decided I wanted to be an addict again, I don't know how it would work. I can't afford it really, I definitely cant afford to do that and also move out on my own. And I know I wont be happy til I move out. So if I got back on dope I'd be right back where I was - unhappy, self-medicating to avoid the situation, but not doing anything to change it. Plus the fact that as good as it feels at first, it always turns into - the dealer doesnt pick up, or one day he just doesnt have stuff, no ones around, you end up calling a bunch of old numbers, driving around open airs, desperate to get something, anything, and thinking "fuck, I really need to quit this shit". Even in the best case scenario -say I got a great job and moved out and had enough money to support a habit - I'd still have to contend with the dealer problem... worrying about getting bad shit... and then if I met someone, then what? If it was just casual I wouldn't have to mention it, but if it got serious, at some point I'd have to be like "by the way, I'm a heroin addict". The kind of guys I'm attracted to just don't go for that shit. And its the same if I tried to just use pills - vicodin or whatever. There's no way to get enough legitimately, I'd still have to cop on the street, worry about the cops, getting bunk shit, having one of those days when no one has anything. How am I going to go to work if I"m dopesick and need to score and no one's answering their phone?

Sometimes I WANT to go back to dope. I really do. I'm not as strong as you all seem to think I am. It's just that when I think about it and go through all the possibilities, it just seems to lead down a road of unhappiness. As good as some dope would make me feel right now... I have almost no tolerance. If I don't eat much at night and dose in the am, even my 13 mgs kinda hits me, makes me feel all warm and content for about an hour. Can you imagine if I snorted some dope? I'd feel SO good.

But I just can't do it. I can't. I want to... I wish I didn't give a fuck in a way. I wish my thinking was like before, when I didn't sit there and think about the long term repurcussions of my decision, I just thought "I dont like how I feel, I dont deserve to feel this bad, I'm going to go get high". But I just can't think like that anymore...

12 mgs starting tomorrow.

I did make the methadone dispensing nurse laugh yesterday. They tell you your dose before they give it to you, so she squirts it in the cup, and goes "13, BlueSaffron". I took it and said "30?" in a hopeful voice. She said "13?" uncertainly, and I replied "300?" even more hopefully, and she burst out laughing, lol.
 
Part of the junky mindset is a focus on instant gratification, consequences be damned. You are not only as strong as we all think you are, you are also very intelligent and quite mature in your thinking. It is hard to objectively see the value and worth of oneself, so believe me when I say that no one here is blowing smoke up your ass; you really are as great as everyone says you are.

Also, it is a very good sign that you are able to keep your sense of humor. Being able to make light of an unpleasant situation is probably as important as any other factor for a successful recovery.

You are doing spectacularly !
 
I'm being honest. The time i copped dope, i posted about it... The times ive taken a vicodin i posted about it. Ive mentioned that ive been having a drink once or teice a week. But no dope since june 4th i think, and only twice did i take a vic... And not in a while. I did cop some vics recently but i came home & flushed them a few hours later. If i cave & decide to cop again, you guys will be the first to know. Im not posting here to be some kind of poster girl for getting clean. Im far from perfect.
 
Thanks Just A Guy :)


So after the experience I just had this morning, it's looking less and less likely that I'll cop again. I mean I can never say never, but this am I decided to potentiate my methadone with grapefruit juice. I'd been thinking about it a while, I know it's addict behaviour but I'm down to 12 mg and tbh it sucks. So this am I drank 16 oz of white grapefruit juice and went to go dose.

It seemed like it started hitting me faster than usual, and stronger, too, but it felt nice, so I was like oh, okay, this really works, cool :) The feeling got better and better and I was like wow... this is the first time I've felt really good in a long time, it feels so good not to be anxious and sick and depressed. I can't wait til I can feel like this without drugs.

And then it kept building... and I started to feel like this pressure in my head. And I got nervous. I checked my eyes, and they're hella pinned. And I'm thinking holy crap, I didn't think a couple glasses of grapefruit juice could have this kind of effect. I still don't feel that good tbh... I wish it would start wearing off. So if simply potentiating my 12 mg methadone dose makes me feel like this, I'm now wondering what would happen if I did dope. Would it hit me hella hard, would even a little bit be too much? Would it feel unpleasant like this? I kind of don't want to find out.

tl;dr: GRAPEFRUIT JUICE: SCARED STRAIGHT

eta: I dosed at 9:10 this am, and now it's almost 5 pm and I'm STILL feeling sorta sleepy. I feel better, I don't feel overmedicated like I did for a few hours after it hit, but usually by now I start to feel sick and anxious and sort of achey. There's no euphoria, but that "the methadone is wearing off, I'm sick" feeling hasn't started yet. This is crazy, I had no idea it would have such a strong effect.

Eta again: its now 10:25 pm and i dont even feel that bad. I'm... Confused. It wouldnt last THIS long would it? The grapefruit juice effect? Its been 13 1/2 hrs since i dosed. I feel almost normal-not that i know what normal feels like after years on opiates, but usually by now i feel pretty crappy, and i don't right now.
 
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That grape fruit juice thing is crazy..when i first started using years ago i heard about it and tried it with some roxys and it did potentiate a little bit but nothing crazy like u said i guess because your tolerance is so low.but that feeling is scary even tho we look to be fucked up when we start to be ALOT more messed up than we anticipated or we think we should be for what we took,thats a panic attack waiting to happen
 
Yeah, it was a trip. I only drank a half a glass today instead of a glass & a half, hopefully it wont be so strong this time, & tomorrow im not going to drink any at all.

I had a huge test this am. I pulled up a block from the clinic and parked... And theres my old dealer standing there. The one who only sells good shit. I know he's working, theres no other reason for him to be posted up where he is at 10 am. He says "hey, whats up?"

I say "whats up" quickly and walk by him, go in and stand in line to dose thinking "i know im trying to get clean but i never see him, i dont have his number anymore... Should i grab a piece just in case? He's RIGHT THERE.

No. I drank some grapefruit juice, my methadone is going to hit me decently, and if i cop from him i am going to fuck everything up.

But hes right there, and his shit is so good...

No.

I dosed. As i walked back to my car he was standing right next to it. I quickly got in and pulled out and left.

Damn that was hard. But i feel good... And strong :)
 
Congratulations Blue and great job passing the "test." Can't think of a harder test to pass than walking past a previous primary dealer twice while trying to recover... I'm proud of you though buddy and you should be extremely proud of yourself.

I had a similar situation come up about 3 to 4 months in of my sobriety from opiates. My friend who initiated my sober thinking and cut me off from pills also used to occasionally sell them to me. I went to his house one day, as he was a primary proponent in my sobriety, and here he is totally strung out and nodding off on his couch with a handful of oxy. He holds his hand up and is like "bro I just got a ton of these things here have some!!!" Really? (-__-)...

Needless to say I declined and told him I had shit I had to do for the family. It sucked seeing my friend in that situation knowing it will (and has) gotten way out of control for him; however, the feeling I got from telling him "no" was one of the most rewarding since starting my sobriety.

Anyways, keep pushin! I'll definitely be back to help in any way possible.
 
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