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  • EADD Moderators: axe battler

Tell a shit joke

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
 
What do you call two gay Irishmen?




Gerald-fitz-patric and Patric-fitz-gerald.
 
What sound do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?


A flat miner





(or the other version in a barracks with a flat major....)
 
Gave my dick a suntan, I call it Sunny D

Got my Gran on speed dial, call her Insta-Gran
 
When does a cat go "woof" ?



When you pour petrol over it and set it alight.
 
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate,

"Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
The men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked,

"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted,

"If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, and thus you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man.


The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" Once again, the battle was on, and the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.


Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.


The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
 
A man walks into a cafe to have some lunch. He looks at the menu, tomato soup £2.50, chicken soup £2.50, oxtail soup £2.50, oasis soup £3. He says to the man behind the counter "excuse me mate, why are all the soups £2.50 apart from the oasis soup which is £3?"

The man replies "you get a roll with it".
 
A man walks into a cafe to have some lunch. He looks at the menu, tomato soup £2.50, chicken soup £2.50, oxtail soup £2.50, oasis soup £3. He says to the man behind the counter "excuse me mate, why are all the soups £2.50 apart from the oasis soup which is £3?"

The man replies "you get a roll with it".
Haha
 
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