absolutlyamazing
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 12, 2008
- Messages
- 61
I have been using drugs since I was 15 (weed, E, acid, alcohol). I am 32 now and since then have gone through a bad heroin addiction and have used just about every drug except PCP and meth. I was able to get clean for 4 years and went back to school and graduated. I have relapsed several times since then and went to a detox last June for the first time since 2006 or 2007. I don't have an actual habit at this point but I do use recreationally every now and then. I live at home currently as I am trying to pass a state licensing exam that would triple my income once I pass it which would afford me to be able to live independently.
My mom and dad divorced when I was 7 and I spent every weekend with my father. He is very calm and relaxed although can be unreasonable and set in his ways sometimes. But as far as the drugs go his thing is don't bring it around me or my house and family.
My mom seems to believe that I need long term treatment for heroin and is constantly saying this to me and my close friends and boyfriend. They all can see how crazy she is. She pretends everything is perfect on the outside and is very critical of me if i choose not to wear makeup or a nicer shirt and this will trigger her to be very cold and nasty to me for days.
She found me OD'd last year and I just found out recently that she convinced the Dr to section me and I had to go to a psych unit for a few days where the staff didn't understand why I was there and they saw that I did not have a habit as I showed no signs of withdrawal and refused any opiate replacement therapy or comfort meds. I understand that I have contributed a lot of stress and anxiety to her life and I do live with her, but I am trying to do the best I can with what I have. I see a therapist a few times a month. I try to stay away from people who use. I don't have any connections to get opiates. I work full time and pay my bills.
She does become violent occasionally. If she thinks I am high on opiates she will attack me in my sleep, she once broke my glasses because she took her purse which was heavy and leather and slammed it into my face. I have told her I could call the cops and have her arrested and she thinks that she didn't do anything wrong. I have never placed my hands on her and when she gets into a mood she will harass me and follow me around the house because I refuse to engage in arguments with her, which seems to make her even angrier. We have deadbolt locks on all outside doors in the house and she refuses to let me have a key. This is a control thing with her. If she is happy with me and in a good mood she will keep them all unlocked. WHen she is angry with me or in a bad mood she locks the back door which is the door used to get to the cars and the garage, so that in order to get out of the house I would have to walk out the front door and around back which is both embarrassing and very annoying. I also feel unsafe that in the event of an emergency I would be stuck. She claims that she does it so no one breaks in-but she refuses to see that if someone really wants to break in they would just smash a window and that a stupid deadbolt won't stop most people who are set on breaking in. Another form of control is that she removed my doorknob so I can't lock my door. She never knocks and is constantly on my case about why I am awake/asleep (I work 12 hour overnight shifts so my sleep schedule is erratic), the cleanliness of my room, my finances, etc…
This morning I was sitting in my friends car in my drive way talking. We had smoked some bud already and my mom doesn't really care about that anyways. We were sitting for at least 3 hours just talking because she is going through a hard time. all the sudden my mom comes up to her window and starts yelling at her about giving me drugs. She gave me one Lyrica a month ago which my mother found because she routinely searches my room and I think she took my spare set of keys so she can go through my car too (car is in my name ONLY). I can understand if it was serious drugs like heroin or something but it was ONE lyrica and she stood there and said that she had been watching us out the window too and saw us snorting stuff up our noses?! Not the case at all! I truly believe she became so angry because she obviously saw that we weren't doing ANYTHING but talking to each other and neither of us were high or messed up.
Yesterday she also started going at it with me regarding cigarettes. When she is in a good mood and being nice she will buy them for me. When she is being crazy she complains about the butts in the yard which I will pick up and throw away. Yesterday out of no where she said to stop putting cigarettes in the OUTSIDE TRASH BINS because it makes them SMELL!! Its a trash can, it smells anyways, we put the used cat litter in there!
I don't know if she is bi-polar or borderline personality disorder, but she can be such a great mom and really nice and caring, and then like a switch is flipped and she just becomes psychotic and delusional. She loves being right and will constantly bring up the past and throw things in my face. She holds grudges, she is quick to point out faults. On the outside she seems like this great amazing cool mom, but once my friends see the other side of her they just are shocked and agree that she is absolutely crazy.
I am trying my hardest to stay away from opiates and I honestly don't obsess much over them or think of them except for when she brings it up. I was in traffic the other day (bad accident-3 hours should have taken 30 minutes) and she starts calling me obsessively and texting me telling me she hopes I am having fun getting high and not to come home. A few weeks ago I had gotten paid from work and she starts asking in a condescending tone what I am going to do to avoid buying heroin. I was like well I wasn't planning on buying any and actually it hadn't even crossed my mind until you just said it! The only times I ever want to use lately is when she becomes crazy and abusive and I have told her that she is the only thing that triggers me to use. She got angry that I said that and denied it…
I really think she has an undiagnosed mental illness which she is obviously not medicated for. This has been going on my whole life-not just since I used drugs. I can't wait to move out. I also have a younger sister who lives about 6 hours away. She left right after high school for college and has been gone for 10 years now. She only comes to my mothers house at christmas time. She visits my father all the time but rarely sees my mother and I know its because of how she treated us. She loves to have one of us on her side and the other is ganged up on. 2 against 1. But if my sister and I decide to do that to her she freaks out.
I just needed to get this all out as it is becoming very isolating and depressing for me. I often think of using to the point that I would not come back and putting a note that says 'fuck you mom, i hope you are happy that you can be right about how bad my drug use is'. I swear she gets angry when she searches my things and doesn't find any proof of drug use because I really am not using! It is like she gets infuriated when she thinks I am high but I am not and she finally realizes it after invading my personal space or she gets violent if I am and ridicules me and puts me down so much that it is starting to affect my self esteem. I am wrong no matter what I do. I know I need to move out but I simply cannot afford to right now.
Thanks to anyone who reads this or replies. Its really been eating away at me.
My mom and dad divorced when I was 7 and I spent every weekend with my father. He is very calm and relaxed although can be unreasonable and set in his ways sometimes. But as far as the drugs go his thing is don't bring it around me or my house and family.
My mom seems to believe that I need long term treatment for heroin and is constantly saying this to me and my close friends and boyfriend. They all can see how crazy she is. She pretends everything is perfect on the outside and is very critical of me if i choose not to wear makeup or a nicer shirt and this will trigger her to be very cold and nasty to me for days.
She found me OD'd last year and I just found out recently that she convinced the Dr to section me and I had to go to a psych unit for a few days where the staff didn't understand why I was there and they saw that I did not have a habit as I showed no signs of withdrawal and refused any opiate replacement therapy or comfort meds. I understand that I have contributed a lot of stress and anxiety to her life and I do live with her, but I am trying to do the best I can with what I have. I see a therapist a few times a month. I try to stay away from people who use. I don't have any connections to get opiates. I work full time and pay my bills.
She does become violent occasionally. If she thinks I am high on opiates she will attack me in my sleep, she once broke my glasses because she took her purse which was heavy and leather and slammed it into my face. I have told her I could call the cops and have her arrested and she thinks that she didn't do anything wrong. I have never placed my hands on her and when she gets into a mood she will harass me and follow me around the house because I refuse to engage in arguments with her, which seems to make her even angrier. We have deadbolt locks on all outside doors in the house and she refuses to let me have a key. This is a control thing with her. If she is happy with me and in a good mood she will keep them all unlocked. WHen she is angry with me or in a bad mood she locks the back door which is the door used to get to the cars and the garage, so that in order to get out of the house I would have to walk out the front door and around back which is both embarrassing and very annoying. I also feel unsafe that in the event of an emergency I would be stuck. She claims that she does it so no one breaks in-but she refuses to see that if someone really wants to break in they would just smash a window and that a stupid deadbolt won't stop most people who are set on breaking in. Another form of control is that she removed my doorknob so I can't lock my door. She never knocks and is constantly on my case about why I am awake/asleep (I work 12 hour overnight shifts so my sleep schedule is erratic), the cleanliness of my room, my finances, etc…
This morning I was sitting in my friends car in my drive way talking. We had smoked some bud already and my mom doesn't really care about that anyways. We were sitting for at least 3 hours just talking because she is going through a hard time. all the sudden my mom comes up to her window and starts yelling at her about giving me drugs. She gave me one Lyrica a month ago which my mother found because she routinely searches my room and I think she took my spare set of keys so she can go through my car too (car is in my name ONLY). I can understand if it was serious drugs like heroin or something but it was ONE lyrica and she stood there and said that she had been watching us out the window too and saw us snorting stuff up our noses?! Not the case at all! I truly believe she became so angry because she obviously saw that we weren't doing ANYTHING but talking to each other and neither of us were high or messed up.
Yesterday she also started going at it with me regarding cigarettes. When she is in a good mood and being nice she will buy them for me. When she is being crazy she complains about the butts in the yard which I will pick up and throw away. Yesterday out of no where she said to stop putting cigarettes in the OUTSIDE TRASH BINS because it makes them SMELL!! Its a trash can, it smells anyways, we put the used cat litter in there!
I don't know if she is bi-polar or borderline personality disorder, but she can be such a great mom and really nice and caring, and then like a switch is flipped and she just becomes psychotic and delusional. She loves being right and will constantly bring up the past and throw things in my face. She holds grudges, she is quick to point out faults. On the outside she seems like this great amazing cool mom, but once my friends see the other side of her they just are shocked and agree that she is absolutely crazy.
I am trying my hardest to stay away from opiates and I honestly don't obsess much over them or think of them except for when she brings it up. I was in traffic the other day (bad accident-3 hours should have taken 30 minutes) and she starts calling me obsessively and texting me telling me she hopes I am having fun getting high and not to come home. A few weeks ago I had gotten paid from work and she starts asking in a condescending tone what I am going to do to avoid buying heroin. I was like well I wasn't planning on buying any and actually it hadn't even crossed my mind until you just said it! The only times I ever want to use lately is when she becomes crazy and abusive and I have told her that she is the only thing that triggers me to use. She got angry that I said that and denied it…
I really think she has an undiagnosed mental illness which she is obviously not medicated for. This has been going on my whole life-not just since I used drugs. I can't wait to move out. I also have a younger sister who lives about 6 hours away. She left right after high school for college and has been gone for 10 years now. She only comes to my mothers house at christmas time. She visits my father all the time but rarely sees my mother and I know its because of how she treated us. She loves to have one of us on her side and the other is ganged up on. 2 against 1. But if my sister and I decide to do that to her she freaks out.
I just needed to get this all out as it is becoming very isolating and depressing for me. I often think of using to the point that I would not come back and putting a note that says 'fuck you mom, i hope you are happy that you can be right about how bad my drug use is'. I swear she gets angry when she searches my things and doesn't find any proof of drug use because I really am not using! It is like she gets infuriated when she thinks I am high but I am not and she finally realizes it after invading my personal space or she gets violent if I am and ridicules me and puts me down so much that it is starting to affect my self esteem. I am wrong no matter what I do. I know I need to move out but I simply cannot afford to right now.
Thanks to anyone who reads this or replies. Its really been eating away at me.
