Clusterone666
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 16, 2008
- Messages
- 241
So, i'm actually quite terrible at these kinds of things but here goes nothing.
Back when I was in high school, I used to do copius amounts of drugs, wake up, get destroyed on whatever I could get my hands on, sleep, repeat.
Main thing I would do is a ridiculous amount of "ecstasy" (Mdma, mda, etc.), and Psychedelics, I would also do coke whenever I could and barbiturates. Pretty much anything, minus opiates.
I came extremely close to dying, multiple OD's, and serontonin syndrome multiple times all through high school and even past that. Pretty much up until I was 19 when I tried to off myself with barbiturates and pain meds. Went to rehab for a little, came out, and was back to where I was. Than I met this girl, and pretty much quit everything but drinking and smoking pot for her. When I say for her though I mean I quit because she is an ex addict and would fall easily into the drugs again. It's been a year and a half, and we've both helped each other tremendously to the point where we even tripped together once or twice and things we're fine no urges or anything of the sort. (short version).
My only problem was during the relationship I would drink a lot, not because of her, but just because I have manic depressive disorder, Bi-Polar, Anxiety, ADHD, and back pain. I would drink sometimes every day of the week, but still go to work, pay my bills etc. I was functioning. She didn't think it was a issue because she only knew about i'd say 1/10th of the times I would drink, but my best friend and roomates would give me shit about it, hide my alcohol etc. etc. I eventually lost the apartment I had because of a unrelated event where roomates didn't pay rent, and well I couldn't afford the entirety of it for 3 months straight so I moved in with some family just till I save enough to get my own place.
I am now 21 and don't really drink anymore, but will drink with friends/family, when I drink, I usually have a couple and be fine, sometimes i'll get drunk, and very rarely i'll get how I would at my place.
The reason i'm saying this all is to give a better backstory to what i'm about to say next. I left out all the bad, just wanted to give the drug/alcohol facts.
Lately, past month or so, my depression has been rediculous, writing out suicide notes, throwing them out, contemplating suicide, wanting to go on my drug binges again... bad, to the point where I am tempted to dump my money on a massive amount of drugs and just hope to not come out of the binge. Granted have as much fun as I could before going out. But than there is a side of me that doesn't want to, that just wants to play with drugs a little, take some LSD, maybe roll and go to some raves again, and just be careful and responsible with it, and hope that just the little bit of downtime it gives me will snap me out of this depression and help me sort my thoughts out. (Psychedelics used to help massively with my depression and bi-polar for months at a time.) I don't know what I should do though, because being sober makes me suicidal and want to just give up, while i'm worried if I start to do drugs again i'll go overboard and that's it for me. But than again I just want to be free for a little bit and just calm my emotions and do some heavy thinking, (Psychedelics) and some "ecstasy" to just kind of feel like I am still wanted in this world and give me a reason to not off myself.
I apologize if i'm rambling, or if it seems like i'm ranting or whatever, but like I said I don't really do this, I can't talk to my best friend about it, he's the only friend I have left as the rent situation kind of showed me who is my friend, and who is my "friend" when something is needed. I can't talk to my gf about this because well frankly put, she will panic, she will freak out and feel like she is doing something wrong because suicide is a very serious subject for the both of us.
By the way, my best friend would do the drugs with me and watch over me to make sure I don't get past a fun night into a downward spiral ending in me 6 feet under. So I have that, but at the same time, if I wanted to off myself, he would try to help, but also know that if I truly wanted to do it, he couldn't do anything about it, granted he would do everything in his power to help.
So yeah that's about the short version.
Once again sorry for writing so much, i'm just on the verge at the time, and don't know what else to do and who to talk to about this. So, i'm trying this, because Bluelight is kind of the site I could always come too and be greeted with warm people and people willing to help anyone who needs it.
It's also the same website i've been using for years, and has given me the information I needed to be safe in times I wasn't being reckless.
-Clusterone666
Back when I was in high school, I used to do copius amounts of drugs, wake up, get destroyed on whatever I could get my hands on, sleep, repeat.
Main thing I would do is a ridiculous amount of "ecstasy" (Mdma, mda, etc.), and Psychedelics, I would also do coke whenever I could and barbiturates. Pretty much anything, minus opiates.
I came extremely close to dying, multiple OD's, and serontonin syndrome multiple times all through high school and even past that. Pretty much up until I was 19 when I tried to off myself with barbiturates and pain meds. Went to rehab for a little, came out, and was back to where I was. Than I met this girl, and pretty much quit everything but drinking and smoking pot for her. When I say for her though I mean I quit because she is an ex addict and would fall easily into the drugs again. It's been a year and a half, and we've both helped each other tremendously to the point where we even tripped together once or twice and things we're fine no urges or anything of the sort. (short version).
My only problem was during the relationship I would drink a lot, not because of her, but just because I have manic depressive disorder, Bi-Polar, Anxiety, ADHD, and back pain. I would drink sometimes every day of the week, but still go to work, pay my bills etc. I was functioning. She didn't think it was a issue because she only knew about i'd say 1/10th of the times I would drink, but my best friend and roomates would give me shit about it, hide my alcohol etc. etc. I eventually lost the apartment I had because of a unrelated event where roomates didn't pay rent, and well I couldn't afford the entirety of it for 3 months straight so I moved in with some family just till I save enough to get my own place.
I am now 21 and don't really drink anymore, but will drink with friends/family, when I drink, I usually have a couple and be fine, sometimes i'll get drunk, and very rarely i'll get how I would at my place.
The reason i'm saying this all is to give a better backstory to what i'm about to say next. I left out all the bad, just wanted to give the drug/alcohol facts.
Lately, past month or so, my depression has been rediculous, writing out suicide notes, throwing them out, contemplating suicide, wanting to go on my drug binges again... bad, to the point where I am tempted to dump my money on a massive amount of drugs and just hope to not come out of the binge. Granted have as much fun as I could before going out. But than there is a side of me that doesn't want to, that just wants to play with drugs a little, take some LSD, maybe roll and go to some raves again, and just be careful and responsible with it, and hope that just the little bit of downtime it gives me will snap me out of this depression and help me sort my thoughts out. (Psychedelics used to help massively with my depression and bi-polar for months at a time.) I don't know what I should do though, because being sober makes me suicidal and want to just give up, while i'm worried if I start to do drugs again i'll go overboard and that's it for me. But than again I just want to be free for a little bit and just calm my emotions and do some heavy thinking, (Psychedelics) and some "ecstasy" to just kind of feel like I am still wanted in this world and give me a reason to not off myself.
I apologize if i'm rambling, or if it seems like i'm ranting or whatever, but like I said I don't really do this, I can't talk to my best friend about it, he's the only friend I have left as the rent situation kind of showed me who is my friend, and who is my "friend" when something is needed. I can't talk to my gf about this because well frankly put, she will panic, she will freak out and feel like she is doing something wrong because suicide is a very serious subject for the both of us.
By the way, my best friend would do the drugs with me and watch over me to make sure I don't get past a fun night into a downward spiral ending in me 6 feet under. So I have that, but at the same time, if I wanted to off myself, he would try to help, but also know that if I truly wanted to do it, he couldn't do anything about it, granted he would do everything in his power to help.
So yeah that's about the short version.
Once again sorry for writing so much, i'm just on the verge at the time, and don't know what else to do and who to talk to about this. So, i'm trying this, because Bluelight is kind of the site I could always come too and be greeted with warm people and people willing to help anyone who needs it.
It's also the same website i've been using for years, and has given me the information I needed to be safe in times I wasn't being reckless.
-Clusterone666
