Need help feel suicidal sometimes then sometimes i feel like i dont care one bit

[MaryJanePain]

Smoking 30gbp (an eighth) worth a weed a day
feel depressed anyway
but feel really suicidal without it

I abused mkat a lot last year after splitting with my girl off 4 years and losing my job
I feel sad a lot I do have mates and have been going gym eating healthily but still when I don't have weed all tht goes out window and I feel like giving up.
I did heavily drink for 3 weeks aswell but for last month Ive been hiting gym 5 hours a week and walking a few miles a day.
I had phet last night for first time in a ahad a good time and now im feeling guilty again after leaving my mate hes now asleep the wanker ive ate some chicken drank some milk orange juice and vitamins and protein shake ive also had 1mg lorazepam and 15mg diazepam.
Im not even tired and hardly have benzo tolerance.
I really need to stop weed more than anything though my parents r ashamed of me but I feel im autistic or some shit as I cant handle jobs or adult life very well when I worked full time I once walked out went home and just cried in my bed working part time I was ok though but if they ever changed the routine it would send me on one.
Im going to be completely honest
I don't want to commit suicide
but I don't want to live
but I hate how my life is atm.


I think im just mad

 

[legalizeall]

Im sorry to hear your feeling this way buddy. This is just my opinion and you dont have to listen you it, but i think maybe you should think about backing off on the weed a bit. I would recommend to still smoke it, but less than an eighth a day. I smoke everyday and find if i just hit it here and there during the day i feel better than when i sit there and smoke my brains out all day. I think weed is a miracle plant but find it can have some negative side effects mentally in high doses. I get depressed to when im smoking alot.

your exercising and diet is a great thing for your body mentally and physically so keep that up. Your getting all those natural endorphins from that which are great.

Losing the lady and job are heavy things to deal with but you can count on one thing in life and that is change. Things dont stay the same and as humans that can think, for some reason, we think we know what is gonna happen in the future. When in reality we have no idea and usually what we thought was gonna happen doesnt. i find it that quite the opposite happens. what i thought didnt happen at all and in fact it was positive. How big is my ego for thinking that i know what the future is gonna be. Im full of shit. I dont know

I am a believer in everything happens for a reason. There is a reason your not with that girl and their is a reason you dont have that job. you might not see it now, but you will at some point.

We spend so much time worrying and thinking about it which creates stress and that is so hard on the body. Its such a waste of time especially since our time here is so short. Life is a beautiful thing if you think about it. As Hunter Thompson said, "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!"

You will be good buddy and just give your worrys the gift of time. I like to tell people, "everything is gonna be alright, I promise. Even if it doesnt work out, its still gonna be alright."

 

[herbavore]

Suicidal thinking is mental exhaustion from too much pain. What is at the root of the pain? What does your truest self really need that your smaller self is denying? Our instincts tell us to run from the pain or numb the pain but the irony is that until we can find the source and look at it fully for what it is, it just keeps growing. Have you ever tried any kind of counseling?

 

[Maya]

I've never had depression or suicidal tendencies OP but what I have read from countless posts of people who has had depression and suicidal thoughts and how they cope with it is that they focused on getting busy. They focused on doing what they love to do and things that make them happy. Instead of focusing on depression, what are the things that can make you happy? What makes you laugh? What makes you feel great?

Like what herby said, find out the root of the problem and try to work on it and make it better. There's so much to life OP so many things you can do and so many things to explore and as for myself, I would want to live as long as I can to experience wonderful things that I can't feel or do when I've passed away.