TDS please help,if i need to stay on drugs i need then i have to marry this man

[bbgirlclueless]

my problem is a little different.i have extreme Social anxiety disorder,the kind that i cannot leave my room,i treat it with benzodiazepines and am able to function well,without harming anyone,with periods in which i dont have to use them and i feel okay simply because i know i have them and can take them if i need them,it keeps the panic at bay.my family does not approve,does not believe about this disorder,their solution is to try,to 'completely stop worrying' to stop shutting myself in my room and be 'normal' like others,i have tried explaining,i have tried therapy,antidepressants,and absolutely nothing works except for clonazepam or drugs like that.my family shut me in my house to keep me from taking 'drugs' and hate me shout ostracize if i manage.im always in sick frustration and fear all day.
i have a fiance and he seemed nice and good at first but now has turned completely controlling,verbally abusive,childlike,lowest self esteem to the point that i dream of leaving him,but if i do i will go back to shutting myself in my room and having panic attacks because he doesnt think drugs are a big deal if tried sometimes,and its okay to take them for anxiety and he gets them for me if i want.but apart from that he fights insults shouts vies for attention and makes my life f**ked up literal hell.its the choice between between being terrorized all the time and shutting myself in my room,or going ahead to marry this extremely sensitive,extremely negative thinking,borderline man, (who has a lot of money,i know thats a horrible thing to say but i just wanted to list the facts if i could) i know though that he loves me.no other man will accept a woman taking much needed pills in the horrible society i live and i do not know how to go on with this mental problem.
i thought if i could ask him for an adequate number of clonazepams and let him know why and agree to separate since its not working for either of us,just to ask for his help if he would...but honestly,can anyone PLEASE please think of a way.

 

[bbgirlclueless]

anything to help me out of this situation

 

[badfish45]

Hello -

I am so sorry to hear about the way things are going for you. It is very difficult for people to understand mental illness and immediately accuse you of being a drug abuser. But honey, first thing is first, you need to ditch this fiance. Hurting each other is not love. Love is a mutual feeling that you find a connection and you work with each other to live. This is not living. If you browse this forum you will find that you are not alone... many people on here suffer from abusive relationships but those who have escaped will tell you to never look back. We live in a world with 7 BILLION human beings and I promise you can find someone who will accept you for who you are. There are many many awful people in our world, but that only makes the good people more precious, and there are many of them out there who would die for a soul like yours.

I wish I could tell you that there are other ways than drugs to accept yourself and socially fit in, but I have no right to impose on your life and tell you what personal decisions will be best for you, or whether or not drugs are helping you out. But with this abusive and unhappy relationship you are doing nothing but hurting yourself. He will trap you in a cycle and only keep your self esteem crushed into a box that he can control, and your social disorder will only further become a slave to him. Life is about chances. Leave every limitation you have placed on yourself behind and keep on venturing out further and further, keep failing, keep experiencing those awful feelings. I know what it's like to be overcome with despair, grief, unhappiness, to the point where you can't even hide it as much as you want to, but at the same time you want to scream as loud as you can and get all the pain you're feeling out into the open, and very often it is no avail. I've felt depressed and suicidal all day, but reading your post has reminded me why we have to keep taking chances and why we can't just hold onto what we have convinced ourselves is best for us.

Don't settle. Ever. Don't settle for injustices or unhappiness in your life, and NEVER make excuses. Keep fighting until the bitter end because I promise it will all amount to something if you know you TRIED and you FOUGHT to be happy and overcome your limitation. Life is all illusions, but the reality is all in the power of your mind to break past the limitations we have placed on ourselves.

YOU AREN'T ALONE

Reach out. Reach out on Bluelight and keep reaching. This is one of the most wonderful communities I've ever had. These people have treated me more like family than anyone I know and they will help you. It's a database of emotions and experiences and we can all share our grief and happiness together.

Please PM me if you need any help. I sure hope you read this and it helps.

 

[bbgirlclueless]

Hello -

I am so sorry to hear about the way things are going for you. It is very difficult for people to understand mental illness and immediately accuse you of being a drug abuser. But honey, first thing is first, you need to ditch this fiance. Hurting each other is not love. Love is a mutual feeling that you find a connection and you work with each other to live. This is not living. If you browse this forum you will find that you are not alone... many people on here suffer from abusive relationships but those who have escaped will tell you to never look back. We live in a world with 7 BILLION human beings and I promise you can find someone who will accept you for who you are. There are many many awful people in our world, but that only makes the good people more precious, and there are many of them out there who would die for a soul like yours.

I wish I could tell you that there are other ways than drugs to accept yourself and socially fit in, but I have no right to impose on your life and tell you what personal decisions will be best for you, or whether or not drugs are helping you out. But with this abusive and unhappy relationship you are doing nothing but hurting yourself. He will trap you in a cycle and only keep your self esteem crushed into a box that he can control, and your social disorder will only further become a slave to him. Life is about chances. Leave every limitation you have placed on yourself behind and keep on venturing out further and further, keep failing, keep experiencing those awful feelings. I know what it's like to be overcome with despair, grief, unhappiness, to the point where you can't even hide it as much as you want to, but at the same time you want to scream as loud as you can and get all the pain you're feeling out into the open, and very often it is no avail. I've felt depressed and suicidal all day, but reading your post has reminded me why we have to keep taking chances and why we can't just hold onto what we have convinced ourselves is best for us.

Don't settle. Ever. Don't settle for injustices or unhappiness in your life, and NEVER make excuses. Keep fighting until the bitter end because I promise it will all amount to something if you know you TRIED and you FOUGHT to be happy and overcome your limitation. Life is all illusions, but the reality is all in the power of your mind to break past the limitations we have placed on ourselves.

YOU AREN'T ALONE

Reach out. Reach out on Bluelight and keep reaching. This is one of the most wonderful communities I've ever had. These people have treated me more like family than anyone I know and they will help you. It's a database of emotions and experiences and we can all share our grief and happiness together.

Please PM me if you need any help. I sure hope you read this and it helps.

thank you badfish for the support,and letting me know that there is someone out there who cares.
i thought that i should try and find my way out of this relationship and this situation and continue my studying,ive been trying to decide what to do as a final act but while ive been doing it i talked to my fiance and unsuspectingly (i know i should have known) mentioned that i intended to find a job,he replied that it would be hard for him and he would feel as if he was being put down(because he doesnt work anymore,just a huge inheritance... :/ ,i was so freaked out by that,i did not want to fight because that is honestly so draining,but i said why the crap! and he said i understand that your rights are as important as mine,i know what youre saying is right,but that is how i feel and do you want a family life or do you want to go out and stay out,i said they both go hand in hand! that smothering me will not give you a family life,he seemed to have a problem with me even shopping alone,yet he said do what you must i cant stop you.
i live in a society where if i dont marry then regretfully it would be a cause of embarrassment to my family (although i dont care much for that,think Victorian times) and women here are completely dependent on males..
i have a hard time believing his self esteem is so low and he seems depressed because i want to study on,although he's trying to put on a happy face,as if realizing what he feels is wrong and feels it.he does try to care for me..and when that happens i feel i would find myself unbalanced if i left him,and without benzodiazepines i cannot even talk to a family member and he thinks i can have all i want.i know it makes me sound like a horrible person but if i could have clonazepams myself as needed,i would leave him,i would be able to find my footing.yet sometimes he seems like a lost soul and becomes very happy when we meet..i feel extremely guilty ruining someone's life like that,but i am not happy.
i know this post if about my tear jerking story,but why is it so hard for us to extricate ourselves from the bonds of an abusive relationship,when it is so much easier to let go of a happy and healthy one if it fails to work.do women have some kind of mental disease?

 

[T. Calderone]

I wouldn't call it a mental disease, but I've been stuck in codependent relationships as well. It was hard being with my husband because he was abusive and it took me lots of back and forth before I decided to leave for good. I think your fiancé is starting to realize that you're not happy with the way things are with him.

Can you talk with a doctor and get the medicine prescribed? This way you wouldn't be depending on this man to get pills for you. You're not ruining his life, you're trying to gain some independence and that doesn't make you a bad person. What about your parents, are they still forcing you to stay home?

 

[Xorkoth]

You are not ruining his life, you're attending to your own life. This guy is exhibiting classic signs of emotional abuse/control. Even if it's normal for males in your society to act that way, it doesn't make it right. It sounds like he does have very low self-esteem, but ultimately that is not your problem. And it does not make it right for him to be controlling you like that. My heart goes out to you, you're in a tough situation, but the world is full of people and I can guarantee you that it is possible for you to strike out and find both personal happiness as well as a good relationship in which the guy treats you with respect and loves you for making something of yourself outside of him.

 

[abracadabra girl]

Also, even if you think you can push your own needs aside and live with it, he will continue to get worse and worse. It might take months or years but when you finally get out, you will be so much worse off than you are now. Much better to leave now while you still have some strength and self-esteem left. BT;DT.

 

[herbavore]

bbgirl, you need to get out of that relationship. Just take a step back and look at it logically--you suffer from anxiety/fear and this man does nothing but cause you more anxiety and fear. Using him to get you benzos is not worth it. Your family does not understand so you have to find someone that does. Have you seen a doctor or a psychologist? They may have ways of helping you talk to your family--or better yet, doing that for you so that they understand this is not something you can handle on your own.

You are in a very tough situation and it seems that getting support from a women's group within your own culture could be helpful. Does anything like that exist (at your university for example)?

 

[Maya]

OP like what herby said, get out of that relationship! ! I've been in abusive relationships and what I can tell you is that you should get out while you can!!! Take it from me OP, I don't want to go into details of my abuse but I must admit that it has ruined me emotionally and mentally. Look out for yourself and seek the help that you can.

 

[bbgirlclueless]

I wouldn't call it a mental disease, but I've been stuck in codependent relationships as well. It was hard being with my husband because he was abusive and it took me lots of back and forth before I decided to leave for good. I think your fiancé is starting to realize that you're not happy with the way things are with him.

Can you talk with a doctor and get the medicine prescribed? This way you wouldn't be depending on this man to get pills for you. You're not ruining his life, you're trying to gain some independence and that doesn't make you a bad person. What about your parents, are they still forcing you to stay home?

yes i can either live with my parents,or live with my husband,thats my bloody country.
no herbavore,women support groups arent existent here

my family expects me to marry this person,they think its a match and a match to be 'proud of' but then telling them how nice he is with them and how he can turn into a different person seems like im letting there expectations down,to them,since im the girl here,im supposed to keep 'the man' they dont realize that that is the issue,im keeping the man too much so much that i think im being smothered but feel sick with guilt about the idea of leaving him.i think about his dreams and i think i cant just f**k em um.
thanks people for support,its invaluable to me to know that people out there care about complete strangers
you guys tell me its best to leave him,its true i honestly know that,i am trying so hard,sometimes i feel he tries so hard too,to overcome how he feels,i can feel his desperation when he senses im moving away,i told him what he had said about my not leaving the house alone or not holding a job had upset me very much,yet he said i could do what i wanted,that he would do/go through anything for me.i sense his depression and his helplessness,ive known him long enough to realize he has borderline personality disorder (i dont want to label him but i know psychological problems (having social anxiety myself,and he has it,and i know its not his 'fault' or 'blame'),he feels things too deeply,too sensitively,feels his self esteem to be always on the line,he tries his utmost best to impress me when we arent arguing,he feels a remorse instead of simple regret.he seems like a lost child,he knows he feels too much and feels ashamed for that,lost for that and i honestly wish he could somehow be happier. i thought this man was going to be my husband,i loved him dearly,and as unbelievable as it sounds,we were happy at the start,i just dont know when the possessiveness and jealousy surfaced.
we do try to keep peace and its a success if we both try,but leaving him simply feels like kicking a child,or a person already down.but i feel no love for him,not a single bit a girl is supposed to feel for her fiance. it sounds pathetic yet today i just went out and saw a random simple smiling man and these thoughts started coming into my head about how heavenly it would be to have someone like him,someone who would smile and mean it,or be able to laugh and trust, i just came home,went to the bathroom and cried the heck out of my head,as pathetic as it sounds :/

 

[Xorkoth]

That doesn't sound pathetic. It sounds like a real emotion. I'm sorry that you live in a place that so so stuck in the way that it is. I'm not sure what to tell you. Would your parents accept it if you moved back with them and didn't marry him? I'm sure they would be disappointed (it sounds like) but would they accept it? Because you can meet someone else.

Is there any chance for you to go to another country and make a new life for yourself?

 

[herbavore]

bbgirl, the struggle is between your authentic self and rejection from your group (family, culture, fiance). That is a complex and profound struggle. You are intelligent and perceptive and you deserve a life where you are free to explore yourself. I cannot put myself in your shoes because I don't come from that culture but I can certainly understand the fear involved in your struggle. All I can say is that I am cheering for you and not for the outdated traditions that force young people into lifelong marriages they do not want. You will have to decide for yourself how to be free--how to define freedom. Freedom from the drug dependency that is complicating this matter should come first.

 

[paranoid android]

bbgirl, you need to get out of that relationship. Just take a step back and look at it logically--you suffer from anxiety/fear and this man does nothing but cause you more anxiety and fear. Using him to get you benzos is not worth it. Your family does not understand so you have to find someone that does. Have you seen a doctor or a psychologist? They may have ways of helping you talk to your family--or better yet, doing that for you so that they understand this is not something you can handle on your own.

You are in a very tough situation and it seems that getting support from a women's group within your own culture could be helpful. Does anything like that exist (at your university for example)?

I second this. If the guy is abusive towards you and you are just with him for the sake of settling and getting some clonazepam that has all the makings of a disaster. I don't know where your from but i have seen alot of these types of relationships and it never ends well. I would say to try and find a doctor that will help you and ditch this guy before things get worse.

I once dated this chick from Iraq who's parents where not exactly the progressive type shall we say. They fucking hated me with a passion and even wanted us to get married in a traditional Muslim wedding ffs! This was just for show i guess as my g/f was about as Muslim as i am Catholic and I'm a atheist who haven't been to church since i was about 12 except for funerals and weddings. I don't know how the fuck they expected someone who is a atheist who was born Catholic to suddenly convert to Islam lol. They wanted her to marry a nice rich Arab guy instead of shacking up with some poor white guy who hasn't a cent to his name and who sounds like he's from Ireland or somewhere. Somehow for them it would be more "honourable" for their daughter to marry some rich cunt that she doesn't even know much less love then go live with the person that she really loved and wanted to be with. If that's honourable then i wouldn't want to see what dishonourable is to them 8) . Long story short we ended up moving in together and her parents basically disowned her. It took alot of will power not to beat the el living shit right out of her dad for being such a cunt to her. So i have experienced some cultural backwardness first hand sadly enough

Your in a tough situation for sure but you can get through it. Don't give up and if you have to go it alone do it. Do what makes you happy not what others expect you to do to make them happy.

 

[bbgirlclueless]

I second this. If the guy is abusive towards you and you are just with him for the sake of settling and getting some clonazepam that has all the makings of a disaster. I don't know where your from but i have seen alot of these types of relationships and it never ends well. I would say to try and find a doctor that will help you and ditch this guy before things get worse.

I once dated this chick from Iraq who's parents where not exactly the progressive type shall we say. They fucking hated me with a passion and even wanted us to get married in a traditional Muslim wedding ffs! This was just for show i guess as my g/f was about as Muslim as i am Catholic and I'm a atheist who haven't been to church since i was about 12 except for funerals and weddings. I don't know how the fuck they expected someone who is a atheist who was born Catholic to suddenly convert to Islam lol. They wanted her to marry a nice rich Arab guy instead of shacking up with some poor white guy who hasn't a cent to his name and who sounds like he's from Ireland or somewhere. Somehow for them it would be more "honourable" for their daughter to marry some rich cunt that she doesn't even know much less love then go live with the person that she really loved and wanted to be with. If that's honourable then i wouldn't want to see what dishonourable is to them 8) . Long story short we ended up moving in together and her parents basically disowned her. It took alot of will power not to beat the el living shit right out of her dad for being such a cunt to her. So i have experienced some cultural backwardness first hand sadly enough

Your in a tough situation for sure but you can get through it. Don't give up and if you have to go it alone do it. Do what makes you happy not what others expect you to do to make them happy.

xorkoth i cant move to another country,god knows i want to,but i havent the money for it.

its the same here paranoid android,i honestly understand what happened with your girlfriend and parents,the first thing they coudnt stomach was a woman defying them,it shakes the father's or dads ideas of security because its a sign that women will not submit,it shakes the mother's because if her daughter breaks away from the f****g society then she will be dishonored,and the mother would wonder that why has she wasted her life away if not for these 'practices' if it wasnt true what was it all for.
they would have wanted to please their family and friends by flaunting a rich watever ass**** and show them what they caught,their friends would act happy for them,be jealous,and this whole process would be extremely self gratifying and honorable to them,the girl in the picture doesnt exist a lot,except for the mother a little maybe.
im glad you're girlfriend escaped,and she did excape,she must be extremely,much and more happier woman to doing that.