SmokinGrunts
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Apr 15, 2014
- Messages
- 1
Hello all! Loooooong time lurker here at Bluelight! Finally got some time, made this account a few seconds ago, and decided to share a doozy of a trip.
Where the hell does one start with a saga of this type? Perhaps the beginning of the night? No, a little backstory would do well.
I turn 26 at Midnight tonight, April 15th, 2014.
I began my journey with 'taboo' substances at the age of 16.
I started smoking weed, no less! I quickly added many other drugs to my history; homegrown h-poo cased Mazatapec mushrooms, many of Shulgin's 2c family, nitrous, doses, Home-extracted Mimosa Hostilis (or was it Tenuiflora?) DMT, Anhydrous Acetone cleaned cocaine, MDMA, MDA, MDEA... I even threw away two and a half years of my precious life on intravenous Heroin (Of which I have thankfully been clean since October 3rd 2010. Never going back.) There are more to this list, but this shouldn't be a substance centered dick-sizing contest. I only intend to give a feel to you reader, of my past experiences.
I have done LSD before. I have broken through the DMT veil a few times. I have pontificated, profligated, and meditated on many a thing. I have been looking for Truth for a while now. I just adore philosophy (Socrates is my homeboy!).
This time was wholly unlike any other.
So, dear reader, let us jump ahead to the experience in question.
It was July 4th, 2013. I had previously gotten a call from a brother-except-for-blood about some liquid dose floating around. I requested it, as who wouldn't want to enjoy Fourth of July fireworks on LSD?! I have seen vials before. I have seen numerous sheets, white-on-white, Albert Hofmanns, Timothy Learys, and so many more. This was different.
I picked up a little navy blue vial, with a rubber eyedropper screwed tightly shut. It had a square of paper taped to it which cheekily had '$5' written on it.
The plan was this: Steve, Graham, my girlfriend D, and myself were to park near the fireworks, all but Steve would dose (he be drivin') and be on with the night.
I dropped 2 drops on each of our hands, which we promptly licked up. We went to the fireworks with about a half hour to spare. I remember feeling the massive rush of 'Holy shit, this is going to be intense!' about 5 minutes prior to the show. The fireworks were amazing. I can wax on with many an adjective to describe the beauty of the show that evening, but I feel like that would be out of the scope of this tale. It was colorful.
The fireworks end, and being at the Lisle, Illinois grounds, there was a festival still going on. Food, fairground games, rides, music. At this point the dose just keeps ramping up in intensity. I've felt this before, but not as strong or direct. We end up getting some sort of blooming onion from a vendor, and I couldn't help but think how much it looked like a brain. I kept avoiding stranger's eye contact, for surely they would see my Mickey Mouse cartoon pupils and know something was amiss. I realize we were soon going to be hopelessly lost in this massive crowd, so I push Steve to direct us to the car. The walk was interesting. Noises, lights, people everywhere. After what seems to be a good 30 minutes of walking, we arrive at the car.
Steve (the sober one) starts the car. We pile in. Us dosed ones are still quite lucid, and can't wait to get to Steve's apartment. Now, I've seen breathing walls, fractals with eyes open, and all sorts of other visual phenomena, but this was different.
I kept noticing random flashes of light, similar to a camera flash. It was like a sort of strobe effect, coupled with occasional *Click!* or *Tap!* noises. Looking out the window, I saw the road heaving aggressively up and down; not unlike a stormy sea with its roiling waves. I had never -ever- seen motion quite like that on doses before. I mentioned to Steve my wonder at his driving ability a few times (He's still sober, so don't worry).
We arrive at the apartment. We go up and sit down. Steve asks for some dose. I had kept the little blue vial in my girlfriend's car glovebox. I made sure to position it so it wouldn't tip. I made sure after the original dosing that the cap was on properly. I head to the car. I reach my hand in the glovebox. I'm thinking to myself "Be careful, don't want any spills or a mishap...' It was dark out. I felt the edge of the vial, then realized I had tipped it.
Fuck.
I pull it out, feeling a wetness on my wrist.
I look at my wrist.
There's LSD running from the back of my left thumb down the back of my wrist.
No.
It's a hallucination... Right? I look closer under the light. No. It's there. I run upstairs to the apartment and try to wash it off, thinking horrified "Ohmyfuckinggod, don't freak, you're already tripping, you're a few hours in, just wash it off and stay calm." I don't tell anyone what happened. With a sick feeling, I hand the vial over to Steve and tell him to handle it, realizing I need to set in and prepare to go on one hell of a trip. Steve doses, 2 drops. Our friend Elizabeth shows up. 2 drops.
Conversation ensues for about 30 minutes. Conversation gets weird. The room won't stop pulsing. Like an accordion, the walls are flushing in and out to a ridiculous degree. I have to pee.
"Don't look in the mirror, piss, and be done with it." I think to myself. I step out of the bathroom, and things are different... The walls aren't moving any longer. I still see the most amazing electric-lemonade colored fractals all over everything. But things are still. My friends are there. I just listen. We start a chain of conversation playfully prodding each other. This intensifies, and suddenly I let slip that I don't really know what's going on. I should probably say that I don't know what's real here.
Steve looks at me and asks if I'm okay with him having some friends over. I ask who, and all he'll tell me is "they're friends." I am close friends with Steve, so this is odd. I say "Sure!"
Before I know it, about 6 or 7 new, unknown faces enter the room. They are excited. They are wearing familiar hippie attire, drug rugs, dreads, paisley. We start conversing. My inner thoughts at this point are wondering first and foremost "Is this real, or a hallucination?"
I introduce myself, and instantly a thought strikes me like a hammer on an anvil. 'I'm terrible at remembering names, I don't like that, and I want to change that.' I vocalize my thought, and look everyone in the eye as I meet them. They don't have normal names. Alas, I cannot remember what they are -fail-, but their names were also nouns. Every one of them.
We get to talking. Things are weird. They are only asking me things about myself. Suddenly, I get stuck witnessing a loop. I used to say "I remember the first time I... had a beer/ drove a car/ smoked weed/ any type of thing" - I would playfully jab someone, like if they downed a shot, then coughed and sputtered, I'd respond with "I remember the first time I took a shot."
They started doing this to me. I caught on after a few repetitions, and said something about "Oh, I say that a lot, but I feel the hurt it can cause." As soon as I vocalized that, it ceased.
This was a recurring happening; a sort of time loop. It was all tests. We would talk about something, and suddenly some area of my life would be involved. Then, I would be hit with a time-loop. The only way that I noticed to break the loop was to acknowledge it, internalize it, and come to terms with it. As soon as that happened, it would cease.
Conversation carried on this way for a while. Then, the strangest thing happened. I was talking to my friends Graham and Elizabeth... I was hearing what they were saying, in their voices... Only their lips weren't moving. I wasn't sure at first, but as I continued to listen, I became sure. I was amazed. Flabbergasted.
I have read so, so much about Psychic phenomena, telepathy, remote viewing, and telekinesis. But it was all just words. Ideas on a page. I try to keep an open mind about everything. I even considered myself an atheist at one point. I was confirmed Roman Catholic due to parental expectation, but quickly began to question that - along with everything else. I was atheist up until my stint in rehab for heroin.
I lay in my detox bed, about 24 hours in... You see, I had a dual addiction; heroin and methadone. Methadone worked for a month, until I met a dope dealer in the parking lot of the clinic. Soon I was doing both. The rehab counselors - bless them - explained to me that I had to try and wait as long as I could until I took some Suboxone. This was because the Naloxone would literally rip the other opioid molecules off my receptors, precipitating a horrific instant withdrawal. I waited for as long as I could, then took the Suboxone. How does one describe physical hell? Electricity - and not the pleasant kind - ripping up and down my spinal cord, through my limbs. Furnace hot, then arctic cold, - alternating - sweeping across my skin. Sickly, sweaty, grimy pinpricks across the entirety of my body. And the pain. I felt like a slick wet sack of living shit. After living this carnival of pain for god knows how long, I gave up. I let go.
I told God, the universe, reality, my inner self "I give up. I withdraw. Please, please, please, anything but this. I am sorry for what I've done. How did I get here?!" I truly gave myself up to whatever may come. English doesn't do justice describing the absolute surrender I had given.
And just like that, there was a reaction. Suddenly, my pain stopped. It was as if someone had flipped a switch. I felt a warmth appear, behind the bottom back part of my head and neck. It spread, down my spine, and across my skin. It encompassed my entire being. My pain melted away absolutely as the glow overtook what was me. A thought appeared in my head. It wasn't mine. Or perhaps it was. It said "All is well now. You will be okay. Enough hurting." I cannot say I was atheist after then.
Back to Steve's. I was certain they had spoken, but I watched as their lips only formed a smile. Upon my realization, I 'heard' another 'thought.'
"He's getting it! Oh my! He's doing it!"
It was Graham and Elizabeth. Their voices. But their mouths ecstatic. I spoke normally - "What... is this for real?"
They looked at me and again, no lip movement - "This is for real."
I couldn't believe it. Even today, I second guess the entirety of the night... but something deep inside me just knows...
They continued smiling at me. I sat down on the couch to ponder everything. I was offered a beer and a cigarette. I started thinking about how people, including myself, do terrible things to their bodies. Cigarettes and alcohol are part of it. I thought about money as well. People praying to their linen god, their socially agreed upon material symbol of monetary value and work. At this point, I was beginning to think the whole ordeal a very intricate hallucination. I felt I was being tested, like my gift of choice was being called to exercise. I picked up a beer, stared at it, and with wanton disregard tossed it behind the couch. Everyone was quite surprised. I realized there was still -some- reality going on.
With this certainty, I began to think "What's next?" Out of nowhere, as if he could read my thoughts, Steve turned to Graham and Elizabeth and said "I think he's ready for the next step."
What next step? I want to move forward with these tests. What is next? Graham, Steve, and Elizabeth looked at me, all three with a knowing smile. They took me downstairs, and outside. The night was calm, serene, and clear. It was warm, but not too warm. The stars were in the sky, and quite bright! I love the stars. I thought very strongly "What's next?" All the while, I felt a strange, but comfortable pleasure behind the upper part of my forehead. Right above my eyes. I realized I didn't say this question, but thought it. They still heard me.
"You seem very pleased, what are you so happy about?" I felt them ask in my head.
"The STARS! They're so beautiful! Just LOOK at them!" I gushed mentally. They were all smiles.
"It really is, isn't it? You wanted to know what's next. What do you think all this means?" I 'heard' in my head.
I thought about this for a while, a bit confused. "All I know is it's wonderful. Beautiful. Amazing." I was near tears.
"What is the meaning of life to you?" They asked me flat out.
I stared up at the immense blanket of crystalline pinpricks that was the sky. I knew this one. "To create! The meaning of life is to create! To love!" As I thought this, I felt a geyser of ecstasy well up from within. I imagined a burst of bright, white light shooting out of me. Where I got this imagery, I have no idea.
My friends just stared at me with happy satisfaction. I had so many questions though. Assuming this was all happening, why, and where would it go? We stared at the sky for a time, and the three soon told me it was time to move to the next part. We go back upstairs.
I start talking to each of the new 'people' that had arrived. Not speaking, but thought-talking. They were responding in same. I distinctly remembering the middle aged female saying something along the lines of "What did you take, LSD? Ohhhh, my, LSD's a big one, don't they say you shouldn't take that one?" all the while smiling. It was a knowing smile. I kept thinking about the limits of this new-found 'telepathy,' if that's what it was. Could they see any part of my life? Was all laid bare? Every embarrassing, devious, taboo desire and thought I've had?
The more I thought too deeply about the way things worked, the more loops I would hit. Suddenly, one of the newcomers would interject and test me. They would bring up a deeply hidden personal issue. Things that I've told nobody, which bother me, about myself. Things they couldn't know. As they brought these things up, I recognized the intent of their mentioning. As difficult as it was, I continued to lay myself bare. As I did so, the looping would stop, and I would move on to another issue or thought. It was becoming clear to me that I was meant to observe, and learn as much as possible. At one point, the eldest of the newcomers turned to me, and straight up told me "You won't remember most of this, so take everything in stride."
This went on for an unknowable amount of time. I began to get a niggling feeling of dread. If I was taking all these tests, what did that mean? I thought, felt that these were good people/beings. I felt that the tests were to show whatever integrity my soul had. But why the tests? There was something that had to be tested -for-, right? As I thought this, the room went quiet.
Literally, every eye in the room went to me. They all had a knowing look, but questioning at the same time. A few seemed a bit surprised.
It was Steve's apartment, and he has a beautiful pit-bull named Marley, who he rescued. She is the sweetest. As I finished this thought, suddenly Marley began acting very strange. She started growling at me. I saw in my minds eye a reddish mist start to form, kind of billowing up. She started getting very, very aggressive, which was -completely- unlike her. The others in the room gave me a look, and a thought popped into my head. I think it was from them. It was something like "Choice defines more about a soul than anything." and I had this feeling that there was a lot at stake with this thought.
Now, I didn't want to start seeing gruesome images and evil things. So I thought about love. First time on a mountaintop, clear blue skies, green pastures kind of love. Marley backed away from me as I thought these things. All eyes were still watching me, intently though.
I felt conflicted. Was there really some archetypal good versus evil kind of thing going on? This was a lot to take in. I wanted to move on, to get to the next 'test.' To understand more. One of the others looked at me, and said "It's time for you to go on to the next step."
I was confused. "Alone?" I thought.
"You are never alone, and you don't have to be now." Popped into my head.
"Can I take D?" I thought back, getting more scared.
"If you would like to." they replied.
Now, my girlfriend was very quiet through all of this. She had dosed as well. She's still quite inexperienced as far as spelunking in the mind goes. I had this thought that I must go outside. I asked her to come with me.
We go downstairs and outside. She asks me what was going on. At this point in our relationship, things were still very fresh. I still wasn't sure about if she was right for me. I said "Everything is going on, but just look." I lay on the grass outside, and pull her towards me. "Look!" I say, pointing to the stars.
Things got weirder. I was very afraid of closing my eyes for too long, out of fear of what I might see. I closed my eyes. I had visions of a male and female, intertwining, lovers ultimate. I saw the lovers separate. I saw them come back together. Many times. Over many lifetimes. I wondered to myself if she was meant for me. Is anything really predestined? The thought "If you should choose it, it shall be." popped into my head.
Now, I've had ego death. I've had the 'I am god, creator, first cause and prime mover' trip. I started to get this at that point. I started going through snippets of lifetimes and possibilities. Yet I kept thinking there was so much more I had to do here and now. I almost forgot my own name. I kept thinking "I am called me (me being my own name)."
After who knows how long, I get up and wander to the back of the apartment building. Every time I looked at my phone, it wasn't just a different time, it was unreadable symbols. Like, nothing even familiar. In the back, I see one of the others hula hooping. I see my friends Steve, Elizabeth, and Graham chatting with a new group. I felt drawn to everyone.
As I made my way to the hula hooping girl, I suddenly felt the grass become plastic. It felt fake. The girl saw my confusion, and I flat out told her "I don't know about this spot... this grass seems plastic... like it's fake..." As soon as I decided to walk to the new group, things felt right. I decided to trust my intuition more from then on.
I went over, and was introduced. Very quickly, the loop-tests began again. I remember thinking "I've had enough of this! I want something else!"
As I thought this, a man who looked in his mid fifties, with dark outlines around his eyes, turns to me and says "What is it that you want?"
"I want to be somewhere else. I want to be moving. I need to think."
He smiles, and says "Then go. Think."
That was all the cue I needed. I began walking with my girlfriend, not quite sure where to, just following my intuition. It was the mental aspect that was the most important though. As we walked, I came up with so many questions. At one point, I was questioning her intentions internally so heavily, that when I looked up to see where we were, I was at house number 666. Christian symbolism for the win! I wanted to get out of there, whether the devil be real or not. So we kept walking.
I kept thinking about how I needed to have my brother's opinion on the whole matter. At the point I was at, I was questioning every facet of reality I could think of. I was lucky to know enough to stay away from main roads.
I realize this magical story is coming to a rather sudden wrapping up... There is of course more. So much more. But it is internal, and very personal to me. Writing this out has taken way longer than I first thought. Such is the way my mind works.
To wrap things up, I eventually decided that walking home would take far too long. I made my way back to the apartment. When I arrived, I discovered I had been gone about 3 hours straight. I wasn't sure what had happened, so I asked Steve and Graham, who were all that were left.
I asked about the 'others.' There were no others. Steve had no idea who I was talking about. He remembers dosing, chatting for a while, then there's a big blank space in his memory. Graham too. I asked Elizabeth later on. She told me she remembered dosing, but after it took effect, she only remembered the last parts of her journey home. I have no explanation for this. I wish to say it was all just hallucination, but it was one of those -things.- I'm sure some here will relate.
Anyway... I am tired. And now I'm twenty-six! Hooray! I have so many questions. I'm still looking for truth.
Here's to many more dips in this strange plane we call reality.
TL;DR - Weirdness.
Edit: Had some editing done.
Where the hell does one start with a saga of this type? Perhaps the beginning of the night? No, a little backstory would do well.
I turn 26 at Midnight tonight, April 15th, 2014.
I began my journey with 'taboo' substances at the age of 16.
I started smoking weed, no less! I quickly added many other drugs to my history; homegrown h-poo cased Mazatapec mushrooms, many of Shulgin's 2c family, nitrous, doses, Home-extracted Mimosa Hostilis (or was it Tenuiflora?) DMT, Anhydrous Acetone cleaned cocaine, MDMA, MDA, MDEA... I even threw away two and a half years of my precious life on intravenous Heroin (Of which I have thankfully been clean since October 3rd 2010. Never going back.) There are more to this list, but this shouldn't be a substance centered dick-sizing contest. I only intend to give a feel to you reader, of my past experiences.
I have done LSD before. I have broken through the DMT veil a few times. I have pontificated, profligated, and meditated on many a thing. I have been looking for Truth for a while now. I just adore philosophy (Socrates is my homeboy!).
This time was wholly unlike any other.
So, dear reader, let us jump ahead to the experience in question.
It was July 4th, 2013. I had previously gotten a call from a brother-except-for-blood about some liquid dose floating around. I requested it, as who wouldn't want to enjoy Fourth of July fireworks on LSD?! I have seen vials before. I have seen numerous sheets, white-on-white, Albert Hofmanns, Timothy Learys, and so many more. This was different.
I picked up a little navy blue vial, with a rubber eyedropper screwed tightly shut. It had a square of paper taped to it which cheekily had '$5' written on it.
The plan was this: Steve, Graham, my girlfriend D, and myself were to park near the fireworks, all but Steve would dose (he be drivin') and be on with the night.
I dropped 2 drops on each of our hands, which we promptly licked up. We went to the fireworks with about a half hour to spare. I remember feeling the massive rush of 'Holy shit, this is going to be intense!' about 5 minutes prior to the show. The fireworks were amazing. I can wax on with many an adjective to describe the beauty of the show that evening, but I feel like that would be out of the scope of this tale. It was colorful.
The fireworks end, and being at the Lisle, Illinois grounds, there was a festival still going on. Food, fairground games, rides, music. At this point the dose just keeps ramping up in intensity. I've felt this before, but not as strong or direct. We end up getting some sort of blooming onion from a vendor, and I couldn't help but think how much it looked like a brain. I kept avoiding stranger's eye contact, for surely they would see my Mickey Mouse cartoon pupils and know something was amiss. I realize we were soon going to be hopelessly lost in this massive crowd, so I push Steve to direct us to the car. The walk was interesting. Noises, lights, people everywhere. After what seems to be a good 30 minutes of walking, we arrive at the car.
Steve (the sober one) starts the car. We pile in. Us dosed ones are still quite lucid, and can't wait to get to Steve's apartment. Now, I've seen breathing walls, fractals with eyes open, and all sorts of other visual phenomena, but this was different.
I kept noticing random flashes of light, similar to a camera flash. It was like a sort of strobe effect, coupled with occasional *Click!* or *Tap!* noises. Looking out the window, I saw the road heaving aggressively up and down; not unlike a stormy sea with its roiling waves. I had never -ever- seen motion quite like that on doses before. I mentioned to Steve my wonder at his driving ability a few times (He's still sober, so don't worry).
We arrive at the apartment. We go up and sit down. Steve asks for some dose. I had kept the little blue vial in my girlfriend's car glovebox. I made sure to position it so it wouldn't tip. I made sure after the original dosing that the cap was on properly. I head to the car. I reach my hand in the glovebox. I'm thinking to myself "Be careful, don't want any spills or a mishap...' It was dark out. I felt the edge of the vial, then realized I had tipped it.
Fuck.
I pull it out, feeling a wetness on my wrist.
I look at my wrist.
There's LSD running from the back of my left thumb down the back of my wrist.
No.
It's a hallucination... Right? I look closer under the light. No. It's there. I run upstairs to the apartment and try to wash it off, thinking horrified "Ohmyfuckinggod, don't freak, you're already tripping, you're a few hours in, just wash it off and stay calm." I don't tell anyone what happened. With a sick feeling, I hand the vial over to Steve and tell him to handle it, realizing I need to set in and prepare to go on one hell of a trip. Steve doses, 2 drops. Our friend Elizabeth shows up. 2 drops.
Conversation ensues for about 30 minutes. Conversation gets weird. The room won't stop pulsing. Like an accordion, the walls are flushing in and out to a ridiculous degree. I have to pee.
"Don't look in the mirror, piss, and be done with it." I think to myself. I step out of the bathroom, and things are different... The walls aren't moving any longer. I still see the most amazing electric-lemonade colored fractals all over everything. But things are still. My friends are there. I just listen. We start a chain of conversation playfully prodding each other. This intensifies, and suddenly I let slip that I don't really know what's going on. I should probably say that I don't know what's real here.
Steve looks at me and asks if I'm okay with him having some friends over. I ask who, and all he'll tell me is "they're friends." I am close friends with Steve, so this is odd. I say "Sure!"
Before I know it, about 6 or 7 new, unknown faces enter the room. They are excited. They are wearing familiar hippie attire, drug rugs, dreads, paisley. We start conversing. My inner thoughts at this point are wondering first and foremost "Is this real, or a hallucination?"
I introduce myself, and instantly a thought strikes me like a hammer on an anvil. 'I'm terrible at remembering names, I don't like that, and I want to change that.' I vocalize my thought, and look everyone in the eye as I meet them. They don't have normal names. Alas, I cannot remember what they are -fail-, but their names were also nouns. Every one of them.
We get to talking. Things are weird. They are only asking me things about myself. Suddenly, I get stuck witnessing a loop. I used to say "I remember the first time I... had a beer/ drove a car/ smoked weed/ any type of thing" - I would playfully jab someone, like if they downed a shot, then coughed and sputtered, I'd respond with "I remember the first time I took a shot."
They started doing this to me. I caught on after a few repetitions, and said something about "Oh, I say that a lot, but I feel the hurt it can cause." As soon as I vocalized that, it ceased.
This was a recurring happening; a sort of time loop. It was all tests. We would talk about something, and suddenly some area of my life would be involved. Then, I would be hit with a time-loop. The only way that I noticed to break the loop was to acknowledge it, internalize it, and come to terms with it. As soon as that happened, it would cease.
Conversation carried on this way for a while. Then, the strangest thing happened. I was talking to my friends Graham and Elizabeth... I was hearing what they were saying, in their voices... Only their lips weren't moving. I wasn't sure at first, but as I continued to listen, I became sure. I was amazed. Flabbergasted.
I have read so, so much about Psychic phenomena, telepathy, remote viewing, and telekinesis. But it was all just words. Ideas on a page. I try to keep an open mind about everything. I even considered myself an atheist at one point. I was confirmed Roman Catholic due to parental expectation, but quickly began to question that - along with everything else. I was atheist up until my stint in rehab for heroin.
I lay in my detox bed, about 24 hours in... You see, I had a dual addiction; heroin and methadone. Methadone worked for a month, until I met a dope dealer in the parking lot of the clinic. Soon I was doing both. The rehab counselors - bless them - explained to me that I had to try and wait as long as I could until I took some Suboxone. This was because the Naloxone would literally rip the other opioid molecules off my receptors, precipitating a horrific instant withdrawal. I waited for as long as I could, then took the Suboxone. How does one describe physical hell? Electricity - and not the pleasant kind - ripping up and down my spinal cord, through my limbs. Furnace hot, then arctic cold, - alternating - sweeping across my skin. Sickly, sweaty, grimy pinpricks across the entirety of my body. And the pain. I felt like a slick wet sack of living shit. After living this carnival of pain for god knows how long, I gave up. I let go.
I told God, the universe, reality, my inner self "I give up. I withdraw. Please, please, please, anything but this. I am sorry for what I've done. How did I get here?!" I truly gave myself up to whatever may come. English doesn't do justice describing the absolute surrender I had given.
And just like that, there was a reaction. Suddenly, my pain stopped. It was as if someone had flipped a switch. I felt a warmth appear, behind the bottom back part of my head and neck. It spread, down my spine, and across my skin. It encompassed my entire being. My pain melted away absolutely as the glow overtook what was me. A thought appeared in my head. It wasn't mine. Or perhaps it was. It said "All is well now. You will be okay. Enough hurting." I cannot say I was atheist after then.
Back to Steve's. I was certain they had spoken, but I watched as their lips only formed a smile. Upon my realization, I 'heard' another 'thought.'
"He's getting it! Oh my! He's doing it!"
It was Graham and Elizabeth. Their voices. But their mouths ecstatic. I spoke normally - "What... is this for real?"
They looked at me and again, no lip movement - "This is for real."
I couldn't believe it. Even today, I second guess the entirety of the night... but something deep inside me just knows...
They continued smiling at me. I sat down on the couch to ponder everything. I was offered a beer and a cigarette. I started thinking about how people, including myself, do terrible things to their bodies. Cigarettes and alcohol are part of it. I thought about money as well. People praying to their linen god, their socially agreed upon material symbol of monetary value and work. At this point, I was beginning to think the whole ordeal a very intricate hallucination. I felt I was being tested, like my gift of choice was being called to exercise. I picked up a beer, stared at it, and with wanton disregard tossed it behind the couch. Everyone was quite surprised. I realized there was still -some- reality going on.
With this certainty, I began to think "What's next?" Out of nowhere, as if he could read my thoughts, Steve turned to Graham and Elizabeth and said "I think he's ready for the next step."
What next step? I want to move forward with these tests. What is next? Graham, Steve, and Elizabeth looked at me, all three with a knowing smile. They took me downstairs, and outside. The night was calm, serene, and clear. It was warm, but not too warm. The stars were in the sky, and quite bright! I love the stars. I thought very strongly "What's next?" All the while, I felt a strange, but comfortable pleasure behind the upper part of my forehead. Right above my eyes. I realized I didn't say this question, but thought it. They still heard me.
"You seem very pleased, what are you so happy about?" I felt them ask in my head.
"The STARS! They're so beautiful! Just LOOK at them!" I gushed mentally. They were all smiles.
"It really is, isn't it? You wanted to know what's next. What do you think all this means?" I 'heard' in my head.
I thought about this for a while, a bit confused. "All I know is it's wonderful. Beautiful. Amazing." I was near tears.
"What is the meaning of life to you?" They asked me flat out.
I stared up at the immense blanket of crystalline pinpricks that was the sky. I knew this one. "To create! The meaning of life is to create! To love!" As I thought this, I felt a geyser of ecstasy well up from within. I imagined a burst of bright, white light shooting out of me. Where I got this imagery, I have no idea.
My friends just stared at me with happy satisfaction. I had so many questions though. Assuming this was all happening, why, and where would it go? We stared at the sky for a time, and the three soon told me it was time to move to the next part. We go back upstairs.
I start talking to each of the new 'people' that had arrived. Not speaking, but thought-talking. They were responding in same. I distinctly remembering the middle aged female saying something along the lines of "What did you take, LSD? Ohhhh, my, LSD's a big one, don't they say you shouldn't take that one?" all the while smiling. It was a knowing smile. I kept thinking about the limits of this new-found 'telepathy,' if that's what it was. Could they see any part of my life? Was all laid bare? Every embarrassing, devious, taboo desire and thought I've had?
The more I thought too deeply about the way things worked, the more loops I would hit. Suddenly, one of the newcomers would interject and test me. They would bring up a deeply hidden personal issue. Things that I've told nobody, which bother me, about myself. Things they couldn't know. As they brought these things up, I recognized the intent of their mentioning. As difficult as it was, I continued to lay myself bare. As I did so, the looping would stop, and I would move on to another issue or thought. It was becoming clear to me that I was meant to observe, and learn as much as possible. At one point, the eldest of the newcomers turned to me, and straight up told me "You won't remember most of this, so take everything in stride."
This went on for an unknowable amount of time. I began to get a niggling feeling of dread. If I was taking all these tests, what did that mean? I thought, felt that these were good people/beings. I felt that the tests were to show whatever integrity my soul had. But why the tests? There was something that had to be tested -for-, right? As I thought this, the room went quiet.
Literally, every eye in the room went to me. They all had a knowing look, but questioning at the same time. A few seemed a bit surprised.
It was Steve's apartment, and he has a beautiful pit-bull named Marley, who he rescued. She is the sweetest. As I finished this thought, suddenly Marley began acting very strange. She started growling at me. I saw in my minds eye a reddish mist start to form, kind of billowing up. She started getting very, very aggressive, which was -completely- unlike her. The others in the room gave me a look, and a thought popped into my head. I think it was from them. It was something like "Choice defines more about a soul than anything." and I had this feeling that there was a lot at stake with this thought.
Now, I didn't want to start seeing gruesome images and evil things. So I thought about love. First time on a mountaintop, clear blue skies, green pastures kind of love. Marley backed away from me as I thought these things. All eyes were still watching me, intently though.
I felt conflicted. Was there really some archetypal good versus evil kind of thing going on? This was a lot to take in. I wanted to move on, to get to the next 'test.' To understand more. One of the others looked at me, and said "It's time for you to go on to the next step."
I was confused. "Alone?" I thought.
"You are never alone, and you don't have to be now." Popped into my head.
"Can I take D?" I thought back, getting more scared.
"If you would like to." they replied.
Now, my girlfriend was very quiet through all of this. She had dosed as well. She's still quite inexperienced as far as spelunking in the mind goes. I had this thought that I must go outside. I asked her to come with me.
We go downstairs and outside. She asks me what was going on. At this point in our relationship, things were still very fresh. I still wasn't sure about if she was right for me. I said "Everything is going on, but just look." I lay on the grass outside, and pull her towards me. "Look!" I say, pointing to the stars.
Things got weirder. I was very afraid of closing my eyes for too long, out of fear of what I might see. I closed my eyes. I had visions of a male and female, intertwining, lovers ultimate. I saw the lovers separate. I saw them come back together. Many times. Over many lifetimes. I wondered to myself if she was meant for me. Is anything really predestined? The thought "If you should choose it, it shall be." popped into my head.
Now, I've had ego death. I've had the 'I am god, creator, first cause and prime mover' trip. I started to get this at that point. I started going through snippets of lifetimes and possibilities. Yet I kept thinking there was so much more I had to do here and now. I almost forgot my own name. I kept thinking "I am called me (me being my own name)."
After who knows how long, I get up and wander to the back of the apartment building. Every time I looked at my phone, it wasn't just a different time, it was unreadable symbols. Like, nothing even familiar. In the back, I see one of the others hula hooping. I see my friends Steve, Elizabeth, and Graham chatting with a new group. I felt drawn to everyone.
As I made my way to the hula hooping girl, I suddenly felt the grass become plastic. It felt fake. The girl saw my confusion, and I flat out told her "I don't know about this spot... this grass seems plastic... like it's fake..." As soon as I decided to walk to the new group, things felt right. I decided to trust my intuition more from then on.
I went over, and was introduced. Very quickly, the loop-tests began again. I remember thinking "I've had enough of this! I want something else!"
As I thought this, a man who looked in his mid fifties, with dark outlines around his eyes, turns to me and says "What is it that you want?"
"I want to be somewhere else. I want to be moving. I need to think."
He smiles, and says "Then go. Think."
That was all the cue I needed. I began walking with my girlfriend, not quite sure where to, just following my intuition. It was the mental aspect that was the most important though. As we walked, I came up with so many questions. At one point, I was questioning her intentions internally so heavily, that when I looked up to see where we were, I was at house number 666. Christian symbolism for the win! I wanted to get out of there, whether the devil be real or not. So we kept walking.
I kept thinking about how I needed to have my brother's opinion on the whole matter. At the point I was at, I was questioning every facet of reality I could think of. I was lucky to know enough to stay away from main roads.
I realize this magical story is coming to a rather sudden wrapping up... There is of course more. So much more. But it is internal, and very personal to me. Writing this out has taken way longer than I first thought. Such is the way my mind works.
To wrap things up, I eventually decided that walking home would take far too long. I made my way back to the apartment. When I arrived, I discovered I had been gone about 3 hours straight. I wasn't sure what had happened, so I asked Steve and Graham, who were all that were left.
I asked about the 'others.' There were no others. Steve had no idea who I was talking about. He remembers dosing, chatting for a while, then there's a big blank space in his memory. Graham too. I asked Elizabeth later on. She told me she remembered dosing, but after it took effect, she only remembered the last parts of her journey home. I have no explanation for this. I wish to say it was all just hallucination, but it was one of those -things.- I'm sure some here will relate.
Anyway... I am tired. And now I'm twenty-six! Hooray! I have so many questions. I'm still looking for truth.
Here's to many more dips in this strange plane we call reality.
TL;DR - Weirdness.
Edit: Had some editing done.
Last edited:
