Dealing with people after another unsuccessful suicide attempt

[cj]

So I am probably the biggest fuck up I know. I tried killing myself again and wound up getting arrested instead of dying. Great right? It's not the end of the world legally as they only found a rig which is a misdemeanor apparently. I don't quite know what to do though. I still want to die but I am concerned that I don't have the balls to go all the way and half measures are only making my situation worse. I am stuck in this loop of it's too hard to change and I hate life anyway vs I am too much a pussy to kill myself. I know I need drastic change but I have no money no job no resources really. Honestly I am a 25 year old child to scared to grow up. My parents care but they don't know what to do. I just feel so fucking lost. I haven't told any of my friends about what happened. They got there own problems anyway.

I really feel everyone would be better off if they had never known me. If I could go back and not be born I would so do that. As far as treatment goes I am on supoxone which doesn't really do shit for me. Methadone is too expensive at 450 dollars a month. I have done inpatient rehab twice and frankly don't think it works. Plus it's about 7 grand a pop even with insurance which expires in December. I am up against the wall I feel like.

On too of all that I am so tired. 8 years of this off and on has just taken a mental toll on me. I just want a nice peaceful exit from this fucked up place. Instead people want me in prison or under there thumb. It's enough to make me think bad things might be ok. But I'm not a bad guy I'm not violent I have so much empathy for those around me. That's why I know they would be happier without me.

 

[Ziggy stardust]

Hey...I felt that way too. I kept running out of dope and couldn't handle WD. I went on methadone. The stuff saved my life. Suboxone wasn't out when I got on it, but I don't think it would have handled my cravings. I went on sub to get off meth a couple yrs ago and it's not very satisfying...not like meth.
If subs not working try meth. You owe it to your folks to try everything before you decide to bail. In Cali and Texas they have government run methadone clinics that are free to those in need that can't afford it. My clinic was 65 dollars a week, certainly less than I was spending on dope.
Hope you try something different...

 

[cj]

I wish I could afford methadone more than anything in the world. Unfortunately alabama is a backwards ass place.

 

[Ziggy stardust]

Yeah...I've heard that.

It's worth being homeless on the streets of Austin Texas if it means your life....the state run clinic is free, but there was a waiting list when I was there 6 yrs ago.
Just hang in there...try everything before checking out.

 

[flyhighk]

I was suicidal myself many times, and still get suicidal every once in a while, so I know how it feels.
The first thing I would do is get a JOB. Job means money, and when you have money you can gradually start to improve your life. I promise you will feel much better about yourself once you get a job, because you won't feel like you're useless anymore. Good luck

 

[Wicked702]

That's why I know they would be happier without me.

We won't. I know this from first-hand experience. Same bullshit reasoning. Didn't want to "bother us anymore" or something similar.

You do this, you're doing it for no one but yourself. It is nothing but selfishness, no matter how much you convince yourself otherwise. You will cause irreparable pain to those whom you claim to care about and who care about you. That's reality on the other side of the equation.

 

[velmwend]

Please don't try to take your life.
There is another soul who is waiting to love you.
There is another soul who needs your love.
One day you will stir from your slumber and an uneasy but promising smile will emerge across your face.
One day you will experience a part of your physical being - be it part of your body, mind or spirit - which will feel stronger.
You will nod in knowing. You will know that you have re-surfaced, or are re-surfacing...
You know that there are people, people like me and you, who care. We care for you!
It doesn't matter who we are. It doesn't matter who I am .. I care for you!
It doesn't matter who you are. I care for you!

Please don't leave us.

Please....

 

[Maya]

Crimsonjunk, you didn't die on your suicide attempt and I believe that you are being given a chance to live life and be happy. Find this happiness that will be your stepping stone towards a meaningful life.

 

[herbavore]

Crimson, I am so sorry. The only thing I can think to say right now is be gentle with yourself.

 

[cj]

Thanks for the responses I know there is not much to really say. I hate being such a drama queen but this shit is just so tough. No one in my real life understands the pain of all this. I really feel like I am on fire. When I told my parents this they just threaten to take me to the phych ward. Like that will help? They are against methadone saying it's just a band-aid. Well maybe it is but if your bleeding to death the first step is to stop the bleeding then you close the wound and try to fix the damage. I can't address my mental health issues while I'm fucking bleeding. To make matters worse I only have a weeks worth of sub left. Shit is certainly coming to a head in my life. I don't know what is going to happen I really don't.

 

[spork]

Keep hanging on and taking it day by day cj. I'm very glad that you're attempt wasn't successful. You're a valuable member of the Bluelight community and the world as a whole.

 

[mr druggles]

So I am probably the biggest fuck up I know. I tried killing myself again and wound up getting arrested instead of dying. Great right? It's not the end of the world legally as they only found a rig which is a misdemeanor apparently. I don't quite know what to do though. I still want to die but I am concerned that I don't have the balls to go all the way and half measures are only making my situation worse. I am stuck in this loop of it's too hard to change and I hate life anyway vs I am too much a pussy to kill myself. I know I need drastic change but I have no money no job no resources really. Honestly I am a 25 year old child to scared to grow up. My parents care but they don't know what to do. I just feel so fucking lost. I haven't told any of my friends about what happened. They got there own problems anyway.

I really feel everyone would be better off if they had never known me. If I could go back and not be born I would so do that. As far as treatment goes I am on supoxone which doesn't really do shit for me. Methadone is too expensive at 450 dollars a month. I have done inpatient rehab twice and frankly don't think it works. Plus it's about 7 grand a pop even with insurance which expires in December. I am up against the wall I feel like.

On too of all that I am so tired. 8 years of this off and on has just taken a mental toll on me. I just want a nice peaceful exit from this fucked up place. Instead people want me in prison or under there thumb. It's enough to make me think bad things might be ok. But I'm not a bad guy I'm not violent I have so much empathy for those around me. That's why I know they would be happier without me.

I remember my worst times at the bottom of depression getting bullied at school then at home I had no friends and never talked about it to my actual family I was in shitty fostercare by the way I had no enjoyment just pain and suffering i put a knife to my throat a few times the last time I did t I was just about to go ahead with it and I just started to slit but then my family just forcefully popped into my head and what it would do to them to the only people that had ever cared about me and I just couldnt do it and ever since I have never considered suicide as an option no matter how bad its been even though I still have next to 0 friends I have 1 proper friend that gives a shit and all I do for him is be a bad influence and depress him I would rather him not be my friend because I dont want to bring him down hes a great guy and I always just disappoint my family luckily im too scared to talk about my feelings or problems proper with my family because im a paranoid lonely anxious ptsd and shit loads more wreck so thats good cuz I cant hurt them anymore? No totally wrong I barely talk or spend time with my family I just rot in my room thinking about drugs over 80% of the time the only thing I can enjoy is drugs and I cant even enjoy the shitty ones that I can get hold of atm apart from ones that I can use to just pass out and get by time

I see no light at the end of my tunnel I guarantee my life gets lightyears worse I have no hope regardless of what anyone says

the reason im saying all of this is because I dont want to sit here and basicly watch you kill yourself I know you must feel like absolute shit and death would be a gift for you currently but it would only do more damage than good it would destroy your family fair enough most friends dont really give a shit so I dont know about them but i guarantee you will be putting your family through miles more pain than I have ever experienced anyway honestly bro It sounds to me like you have a chance to make something in life and you can use that spark to create a great big fire or you could just let it slip and give up

I hope you use that spark and dont kill yourself bro



Even after everything humanity has done to me I still care about humanity I really shouldnt but it is true that good humans do exist an they deserve good things so I guess I shouldnt be disappointed with myself for always caring to much about people and guilty as fuck and stuff it just means im above all the cunts

the fact that I post all of this when i expect to get the piss taken out of me and get laughed at shows that I care about you even though I dont know you every single person on the planet could come and laugh at me and I would still post it please keep fighting on

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Hey crimson junk

I am really glad you lived man. I have seen you post for a while. You're a great guy.

I am 121 days off Suboxone today and I can imagine how you feel. The acute withdrawal for me was awful an put me through really dark stuff.

However I am sure if you put your mind to it, that you could get off Suboxone.

Before even doing that, have you considered going to social services? They can get you on food stamps and help you find a job.

 

[cj]

Thanks for the kind words captain. That's great you got off the sub I know from reading your posts that you tapered for a long time. I unfortunately don't have that luxury plus I don't think I am any shape mentally for a brutal kick. And after 5 years on this shit I know it's going to be brutal. I don't feel like opiates are my problem. There just a symptom of the greater underlying mental health issues I have. I have been depressed since I was sexually abused from 6-11 years old. Ever since then I have been struggling. First it was alienation from my peers then it was dark depression. If I am honest it's still that way. I just never feel adequate. Like Nothing I do will ever make my situation better.

Now my parents took the car they let me use away so all I can do is sit here and stare at the wall and think about my problems all day and night. They live out in a rural area now as well so I'm like 50 miles away from all my friends so getting picked up isn't a real option. It's awful I thought I was depressed before all this happened I didn't know shit. I'm starting to think life on the streets would be better than this. I mean fuck at least that's a life this is just jail by another name.

 

[Pilll_head]

I agree, a job will help with you self image and self esteem.

 

[cj]

I agree, a job will help with you self image and self esteem.

I'm not trying to make excuses but without a car it's impossible. I literally live on land that used to be a farm 50 miles northeast of Birmingham. My parents will not let me use the car I was using as it's in there name. My nearest friends live in the city but they are not willing to let me move in with them for various reasons that I understand. Even if they would I literally don't have a dollar to my name so just leaving is not a real viable option. I think my mom is content to just let me stay here and live like her pet cats do. I don't know I guess I'm just to much a pussy to strike out on my own and live on the streets. I grew up middle class so that kind of shit is just not in my veins. Plus alabama is a bad state to try to get on social welfare. I frankly don't even know how to apply for services. I am thinking about showing up to the ER on Monday tell them I'm going to kill myself to get admitted. See if they can set me up with a social worker to see what my options are. But being dependent on opiates I kick on the phych ward is a scary proposition even though a kick seems inevitable as I am down to the last of my suboxone.

Everyday i wake up cursing myself for failing at suicide again. Even though this was the first time I went all the way. I shot all the heroin I bought and took all the Xanax I had. I didn't have any more money to get more heroin so I consider it a real attempt. I didn't pussy out like the other times I wrote notes and tried. I read that a lot of times when people slit there wrists there are wounds farther up the arms where they pussied out and couldn't cut the right area out of fear. Maybe suicide takes a little bit of working up the courage to actually carry it out. I just know that I actually feel worse today then the day i tried to do it.

everybody has to die sometime I figure I mine as well do it sooner than later save myself some suffering. The writing is on the wall as far as my life goes anyway. College dropout mental health issues addicted to heroin. Not really the makings of a successful existence. Society hates me anyway they want me in the prison or in the rehab. They want me to repent for my sins. When I got out of jail after the attempt my mom was bitching that I didn't seem remorseful. Well what the fuck do I have to be sorry about? I didn't kill anyone I didn't rob anyone. I just wanted to end my pain. If that's something I should be remorseful about then I guess I hate this planet more than I ever thought I would.

 

[angeleyes]

Dude

We haven't had any direct convos with each other on here (iirc) but I see your posts all the time and all I can say is you're definitely a valued member of the community with some great insight.

I really hope you find happiness, sounds like you've gone through a lot of tough times but damn man if a stranger from the other side of the world down under would be sad to hear about you go then imagine what your proper friends on BL and your IRL friends would think.


Keep your chin up bud I really hope you get through this okay.

 

[ad lib]

So I am probably the biggest fuck up I know. I tried killing myself again and wound up getting arrested instead of dying. Great right? It's not the end of the world legally as they only found a rig which is a misdemeanor apparently. I don't quite know what to do though. I still want to die but I am concerned that I don't have the balls to go all the way and half measures are only making my situation worse. I am stuck in this loop of it's too hard to change and I hate life anyway vs I am too much a pussy to kill myself. I know I need drastic change but I have no money no job no resources really. Honestly I am a 25 year old child to scared to grow up. My parents care but they don't know what to do. I just feel so fucking lost. I haven't told any of my friends about what happened. They got there own problems anyway.

I really feel everyone would be better off if they had never known me. If I could go back and not be born I would so do that. As far as treatment goes I am on supoxone which doesn't really do shit for me. Methadone is too expensive at 450 dollars a month. I have done inpatient rehab twice and frankly don't think it works. Plus it's about 7 grand a pop even with insurance which expires in December. I am up against the wall I feel like.

On too of all that I am so tired. 8 years of this off and on has just taken a mental toll on me. I just want a nice peaceful exit from this fucked up place. Instead people want me in prison or under there thumb. It's enough to make me think bad things might be ok. But I'm not a bad guy I'm not violent I have so much empathy for those around me. That's why I know they would be happier without me.

Of course you are not a bad guy. I know it is a lot-- the suicidal feelings, impulses, etc, but there is something deep down that is triggering them. Have you explored trying to find out what that is? (sorry if this have been answered already, I just read your post not any replies).

The world will be a less bright place if you were to leave it. Of course that's your choice whether or not you stay, but the BL community, your family, your friends, and even those you have yet to meet will shine a little less bright if you were to go. Please reconsider, crimson.

 

[Xorkoth]

What a fucked up system where someone attempts suicide and they stick you with legal trouble because they found drugs... hey I have an idea, how about we address the fact that someone needs help to get better, and not pile on more stuff to be upset about?

I'm so sorry that you're so depressed. Sending some love and positivity your way...

 

[cj]

First of all I want to thank each and every one if you for your kindness. I really love this community and I am really blessed to have a place like this too turn for help.

I decided to check into rehab at the end of the week in south Florida. It sounds like a nice place that's not based on the 12 steps. So I'm hoping I can get the mental help I need mixed with trying to get off opiates. So I want to thank you guys for the support. And I will certainly be back to check in before I leave and when I get out.