• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

I resent my parents

laCster

laCster

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 16, 2010
Messages
6,852
One of my biggest resentments I carry around is towards my parents. They are very controlling in a passive aggressive way and I have an insatiable urge to prove that I don't need their rules and I don't need their approval and that they can't control me.

This resentment makes me want to get high because that is the biggest slap in the face I can do to my parents.

I was told I am being very selfish for not accepting their twisted love. Am I just playing a victim ? I don't know but it fucks with me because I'd like to believe that I love my parents , but I feel as if the only thing I love is their bank account. They spend their money on what they think will be best for me even though that's almost never the case when I think something would be good for me and ask them to pay they say no and it's really fucking frustrating because they can give and take money as they please. I'm only 20 years old and I don't live with them. They are paying for my halfway house and I also resent them for basically forcing me into rehabs.

My only option is do what I need to so I can get out of the halfway house and move far away from my parents as possible.
 
laCster said:
My only option is do what I need to so I can get out of the halfway house and move far away from my parents as possible.
Click to expand...

I think that you need to start living your life for you. With that comes all the responsibility of facing your own consequences. As long as you depend on them financially they will feel like they can call the shots (as well as perpetuating the idea that you cannot care for yourself so they are forced to do it).

At 20 it is time to see your need to rebel against them as something to leave behind to adolescence. The resentment you feel will dissipate when you feel in control of your own life.

You will feel so much better when you are completely in control of your own life--financially and emotionally. Keep working towards that goal and realize that your parents are simply stumbling along like the rest of us. Hopefully without the tangle of what is going on now you will both be able to come to better terms in the future.
 
It is ok to have trepidation towards people, but resentment only hurts you.

I know resentments I have held in the past have only hurt me.

Best of luck man.
 
I left home at 18 as soon as I had enough income to support myself, there were lots of reasons but for me I needed to claim my own life and and make a break from the all the friction that was destroying any chance of a decent adult relationship with my parents.

I held onto resentments against my brother and more so my father for many years, more than 20 if I'm honest. These things held me back emotionally is lots of ways that I didn't consciously realise until I sought help.

Everyones situation is different but for me recognising these resentments and dealing with them for what they are has made a huge difference in my life. I wasn't aware of how these emotions were driving much of my negative thinking and ruining my own relationships, my father hated his father and brother and still does :\

Acceptance of people for the flawed humans they are is all I would suggest, your father may not be the model person you would like but he may have his reasons for turning out that way. It's too late to put things right in my relationship with my father, dementia stole him from me before I was able to do so but I don't resent hi mas I used to.

More importantly I'm resolute that my relationship with my children and partner won't be that way, my father never wanted that even though he never spoke of such things.

Claim your life don't let negative thoughts and the mistakes of others steal it from you.

all the best
 
As far as I remember, I felt the same way with my parents. I had a love and hate relationship with them specially my dad. There was a point where I called my dad a nazi because of his rules etc. "You are not supposed to do this, your curfew is this, you are not supposed to wear that etc etc. I always heard "you are not allowed" and it felt like whatever I do, he's going to just bash me and then I dont get to do what I want.

I was rebellious and stubborn. Even though I had issues of my own, it wasnt fair to give my parents a hard time. When I had a rough time with drugs, I was surprised that he helped me after all the drama we went through. You may not feel the love and you won't appreciate your parents until the time something happens and they are the first ones to help you.
 
This may be hard to comprehend at your age, but there's actually no way to win as a parent. If they didn't feel controlling, they'd feel overly permissive (implying they don't care). There are theoretical middle-grounds, but they're difficult to accomplish and, frankly, no one is perfect. Children, whatever their age, are particularly difficult to please.

One of the jobs of being a parent is trying to prevent your children making mistakes, and helping them past and through them when they happen. The main job of being a child is learing, growing, and ultimately becoming one's own person. When those two sets of goals co-exist, there's going to be friction. No way around it.

Your parents don't mean to control you, they're just trying to help you in the only way they know how. Have you talked to them about how you feel they're restricting you too much, and you might be better off without as much guidance? I don't mean screaming-fests and arguments, I mean calm, rational discussion of why you think you need more freedom.

Keep in mind: If you don't honestly, calmly, and seriously consider their point of view, they are under absolutely no obligation to consider yours.

May I add: There's a roughly 0% chance they're trying to hurt you. You've admitted, point-blank, that you're trying to hurt them. Childish, man. Real childish. Might be part of why they keep treating you like a child, too.
 
well from personal experience i resented my parents for sending me to boarding school and rehabs, but i can see that they were trying to steer me in the right direction and away from my drug using ways. all i can say is i honestly wish with out a doubt in my mind that i would have listened and stayed sober when they were trying to help me. they fucking care about u man, and thats real love man. hope everything works out for u man
 
Ok, so they spend money on you and what they think is best (which as you get older you'll realize does tend to actually be what's best as opposed to what you think is best), want you to succeed badly enough to invest their time and energy trying to get you cleaned up, keep sticking with you through rehab and halfway houses...and so what exactly is so twisted about their love? Cause while your description of the whole situation is kinda brief, from what I can see here that kinda sounds like normal parental love to me. And idk, when it comes to the drugs I've never been much of a believer in simply sending someone to rehab over and over again, as if it didn't work the first time or few times chances are keeping on sending someone back will pretty much only serve to help them find connnects amongst other users who are forced to be there, so there would probably be more helpful ways to help someone get/stay clean, the fact still is that if you think someone's parents wanting them to be clean/not an addict is unusual or unreasonable, I must say that you're mistaken.

Also, if this whole drug thing is so under control and these rehab stays are so outrageous, why don't you already have the resources to move out? Do you work? Idk man, obviously we don't know the situation firsthand, but I gotta admit that it sounds a lot more like your parents aren't the ones being unreasonable here. Your tone and the way you're presenting this story is reminiscent of a rebellious teenager talking about how much they hate their parents for not just handing them money and letting them go do whatever immature, extremely poorly thought out things teenagers do. That's at least how this all seems to me.
 
Despite this thread being bumped, I'm still curious to see how the past 8 months have affected the OPs views/relationships regarding his parents.
 
I saw my parents that way as well specially my dad. I rebelled for years to prove a point but in the end, what i have proven is that they love me too much that all their passive aggressive way was their way of protecting me and doing whats best for me. I regret a lot of things and one of them is how I strained my relationship towards my parents. Now, i love them more than ever and I feel blessed that I still have years with them to build my relationship more with them.
 
Well, Just be thankful you have financially stable and supportive parents. My parents were drug users
and would physically fight. My dad is dead and my mom is 44 has hep c, on drugs and lives with my aunt
But i dont resent them. If you resent your parents it's only going to make you bitter in the long run..
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top