Consistent erection problems with new girls - has anyone solved it?

[nwdv]

I'm pretty sure that it's a permanent issue that some men have and others do not but I wonder if anyone has got past it. Background:

27yo, healthy and fit in most other ways. Somehow in the last five years I've notched up 22 "sexual encounters", which may or may not include actual penetration. Many of those and a lot of other opportunities that I discarded at an earlier stage were lost due to my complete inability to achieve a decent erection with anyone new.


The one girl I could immediately and easily get hard for, even without direct stimulation, was someone I fucked exclusively (on my part at least, lol) for two or three years and I got very used to her. If I remember correctly, it was a bit hit or miss at the start and I did have some trouble for the first few weeks. However, when I met her she was my first in about six months and so I wasn't used to anyone else at the time and was perhaps more able to adapt.

It was a rough friendship and frankly we didn't ever like each other very much at all, but the sex was great and I guess my brain became wired to respond to her. She has a very high sex drive and was helpful and enthusiastic, which is also good as I'm finding most chicks just lie there and wait to be fucked, and don't get into it very much.


So - I've tried Viagra (25 and 50mg doses) and I can't really say it does a lot. I feel some nasal congestion and become slightly flushed and I would say that erections come slightly easier, but unless I knew I had taken the drug I wouldn't actually be sure anything was happening. Nonetheless, it has enabled me to fuck a few new chicks but still with a lot of work and I can't keep it up for long or really do very much. If I do get hard with it then it's solid but just in the first couple of minutes and then I lose it for good. Perhaps because my problem is largely psychological a PDE5 inhibitor just isn't going to make much difference.

Added to the problem is that 99.9% of my sex has been in some kind longish-term situation where of course we didn't bother with condoms, and honestly I can't feel a single thing through even the thinnest condom. So that doesn't help, either.


Has anyone managed to get out of this situation? Things I'm trying:

1) Absolutely no more sexual contact with the girl mentioned before - hopefully in time I'll "forget" what that was like.
2) Attempt to engage with a number of one-time or short-term girls to expose myself to variety and maybe get used to that.
3) Keep using Viagra for first times when possible.

And before anyone suggests "finding one person to get used to again", well it's a nice idea isn't it but ultimately I don't believe such a thing is possible or sensible, and I'll just end up stuck again like this, haha. A chick who's fun and into sex is going to be into sex with other people than just me, so I really do need to be more capable in new situations.


It's hard to say how common this problem is, because of course the majority of men don't really get a whole lot of new sex, and in the minority who do we would expect to see an over-representation of positive, encouraging qualities such as erection facility, as that's part of what makes them that sort of chap in the first place.


Any ideas???
Thanks,

 

[jimbu]

Hey mate,

You're not alone. I have had some similar experiences over the years, perhaps at times perpetuating to make the situation even worse. Once my mind was distracted by negative thoughts it was all over red rover. It can be a frustrating loop to be trapped in.

Sometimes it would work out for me, other times not. Sometimes I felt more under pressure to perform, other times I probably didn't give a crap. I also hate the feeling of condoms and they made things much worse.

Viagra and plenty of foreplay worked the best for me. I think 50mg worked (I'm fairly light though), maybe you need a higher dose or an alternative med (cialis?). Have a chat to your doc? I tried experimenting with alcohol and that was pretty hit or miss. Once you're comfortable with the girl, you'll be fine, as you know.

Good luck!

 

[Belisarius]

Similar problems here. I find it nearly impossible to get off with someone I'm not intensely familiar with.

 

[apneist]

It's a mental thing that happens often. The older and more mature we become the more the penis wants to save itself for that special someone. ED drugs can only make you hard if you are horny in the first place. I always found that if I made a new chick come first using high quality oral skills, it took a lot of pressure off having to perform. Plus the thrill of making her come really made the cock super hard as well. Good luck.

 

[Gloop]

I heard about horny goat weed. Hope this helped.

 

[nwdv]

Thanks for the replies.

Hey mate,

You're not alone. I have had some similar experiences over the years, perhaps at times perpetuating to make the situation even worse. Once my mind was distracted by negative thoughts it was all over red rover. It can be a frustrating loop to be trapped in.

Sometimes it would work out for me, other times not. Sometimes I felt more under pressure to perform, other times I probably didn't give a crap. I also hate the feeling of condoms and they made things much worse.

Viagra and plenty of foreplay worked the best for me. I think 50mg worked (I'm fairly light though), maybe you need a higher dose or an alternative med (cialis?). Have a chat to your doc? I tried experimenting with alcohol and that was pretty hit or miss. Once you're comfortable with the girl, you'll be fine, as you know.

Good luck!

I got no sense from a doctor at age 19 and 21, they're never interested. I could always try again now, but actually it costs more to get those drugs on prescription than it does to buy them by other means. If I can get some cialis I will but I've never risked any of those online pharmacy sites so wouldn't know where to look.

Alcohol can help sometimes, yes - if it takes my mind off it. I could get fully and constantly hard with "the familiar girl" even when I was quite drunk, so it doesn't necessarily stop me. Being tired from a lack of sleep makes it almost impossible, though, and I'll add this for people googling in future - over excising, too much weight lifting in my case (alongside many other sports etc.), will shut down your dick completely. I started getting morning wood most days just this year after none since my teens, after I finally scaled back my physical activity. We've only got so much energy to expend and reproductive capacity is something of a luxury function, so too much exercise, not enough sleep, not enough food (eating to get leaner or lose weight) can really mess things up and shut those things down. There are lots of reports about this, if anyone suspects it may be a problem then look into it. For the first year or two it had the opposite effect, I got incredibly horny during my workouts, haha. But then after a while it just wears you down instead. I do actually think I did myself some permanent damage there, but never mind.

It's a mental thing that happens often. The older and more mature we become the more the penis wants to save itself for that special someone. ED drugs can only make you hard if you are horny in the first place. I always found that if I made a new chick come first using high quality oral skills, it took a lot of pressure off having to perform. Plus the thrill of making her come really made the cock super hard as well. Good luck.

I try my best... it seems that chicks are either easy or impossible to get off. Ones that I could make cum were straight forward enough, it's not complicated. And others just never get there or are in a hurry to get pounded and don't let me take my time, keep pulling me away, which makes it worse for me. I imagine a lot of women are a bit conscious that it can be difficult for them to get there and they don't want me to "waste my time" or whatever, or just aren't too bothered.

I heard about horny goat weed. Hope this helped.

I've tried that and a few other OTC herbal remedies. There was a time when I thought certain ones worked rather well but then I stopped thinking that. Whether they ever did, I'm not sure - quite possibly, at certain times but not others.

 

[patternagainst]

Yeah I've had this problem most of my life as well. It can even come and go with girlfriends, but only if something is wrong typically. The trick is exactly what Binge said, stop thinking about it. Allow your mind to get lost in your partner, and focus on the other senses you both are feeling, especially the emotional ones. I guess I would equate it to making out. If you think too much about it, or too much about the wrong aspects of it, it just won't flow properly. Really use your mouth and tongue to explore and feel and read where the other is going. With this, it's using your mind and all of your other senses. It's more of a state of mind. Sex is like the dance of love, you have to read well and be able to know when and when not to take the lead. You have to read where your partner is going, and also know how to focus on the things that you are enjoying.

The other big part of this is finding a girl who is open and generous enough, caring enough, to be able to read you. If they can read you well, they should know, or at least make an attempt, at slowing things down and setting your mind at ease, whether it be by different foreplay or talking. Having sex with someone that you both can be totally open and honest with about what you're into and what you need, without being made to feel awkward, is not an easy thing to come by...and if you do come by it, you probably ought to investigate the potential for a real relationship to develop.

It's all mental. I've found the more I look into it and let myself delve into the problem, the worse it gets. Just keep trying. Don't be ashamed, stop giving a fuck about what people think, and if someone reacts in a way that you don't find nice or appropriate, fuck them. I consider myself a very caring person. I'm very in tune with what makes people comfortable and uncomfortable. I would never react to a chick who couldn't get wet in a negative way. I would do everything I can to make them feel comfortable and good, even if the possibility of sex was out the window at that point.

Stop looking for cures and look for the right woman to hook up with. Unfortunately, as life would have it, it's hard to come by on a random or blind encounter.

 

[omnipresenthuman]

this is like an episode of the 'Sopranos' where Tony couldn't get hard randomly after he started taking Prozac for therapy...if you're 27 and healthy...and if you're able to take the Viagra without any problems then you should definitely be healthy enough for sex...it's very likely not a physical issue.

I was just going to comment that I feel you about the condom situation - I really hate to use condoms, which has put me in some situations that were more dangerous with STD potential than I would've liked...

I'd just say - understand that being able to be a healthy man with an erection is a privilege, not a right...sometimes shit just doesn't work out

as long as you can still jack off and finish at your own pace, in or outside of the bedroom, you can still have kids...it's just going to be more complicated

but anyway, the simplest answer to this is also the most frustrating: it's all in your head, you're clearly thinking way too much about this to post multiple paragraphs on how you're over-thinking all of this in the first place...

 

[pokepoke420]

I am so glad you posted this. I have been facing similar problems as of late. I was in a 6.5 year relationship, (I still fuck her sometimes, but she is the only one who gets me hard, even when I just think about her)... But I have been getting with these unreal, beauty queens that you just look at and drool over, but we go to fuck and it's soft. I can't even explain just how embarrassing it is when you are laying there with this beautiful woman on top of you trying to put it in, but even a blowjob isn't getting you hard. I took Zoloft for many, many years, and never had that problem. I quit though, and because of the delayed ejaculation SSRI causes, I couldn't even finger a girl without blowing my load for a few months. It took a while, but I got back to holding out for sex. Luckily it was with the same girl all that time and she was patient. Now, I just cannot fuck, even the hottest girl without knowing them. It is definttely a pain sometimes.

 

[nwdv]

I have been getting with these unreal, beauty queens that you just look at and drool over

Haha, well I can't say I've tried that myself. I would if I could - good for you.

I had another chick at the weekend, I didn't do too badly but it wasn't super hard still. I didn't bother trying to fuck her as I knew I wouldn't have kept it up with a condom on. I also got another 5 x 50mg Viagra today so we shall see what that does.


I think I'm definitely designed to be with one chick for an extended period of time, my struggle to do otherwise (only in the last few years, really, since age 22 or so) has been quite against my natural physical and psychological arrangement.

 

[purplefirefly]

How often do you masturbate? If it's often then that can be a contributing factor to your issue. I'm a woman, but once I put the toys away and let my partner get me off exclusively things got much easier. I had a difficult time, if not impossible time, before but now it's completely different.

I agree with the others regarding the psychological piece. Over thinking and any sort of lack of communication can lead to a total mood killer. That's something I have struggled with for years but it's the best when I'm not worrying myself to death. Just try to relax and enjoy the moment without any pressure of performing any particular way. I would venture to say that for a lot of women it's about the experience as a whole than being arbitrarily pounded away at.

 

[cashfl0w_d0nkey]

Guys, guys, guys. This isn't a "problem". It is your body being selective in choosing a mate. Just because you think you'd like to have sex with someone before actually getting intimate with them doesn't mean that at the moment of sex, that person is actually going to act the part to your liking. Being able to only have sex with women you are comfortable with is your body's native process for choosing good mothers.

 

[scureto1]

Guys, guys, guys. This isn't a "problem". It is your body being selective in choosing a mate. Just because you think you'd like to have sex with someone before actually getting intimate with them doesn't mean that at the moment of sex, that person is actually going to act the part to your liking. Being able to only have sex with women you are comfortable with is your body's native process for choosing good mothers.

That's absurd magical thinking. I know you're going for the whole natural, driven-by-biology angle, but how would a trait that involves putting forth lots of extra effort towards fruitless attempts at mating be biologically advantageous? While you're at it, could you list a few of the "good mother" chemicals that women give off that we are only able to detect once we start getting intimate with them, and how we detect them?

 

[purplefirefly]

^^^

This, this, and this again.

I've never heard of the "I'm a good mother" pheromone. Do guys produce similar chemicals or are they already assumed to be good fathers based solely on their ability to eject sperm and impregnate a woman?

 

[cashfl0w_d0nkey]

I didn't say anything about pheromones, did i? It's psychological in nature but biological in origin. You could have two experiences with the same girl but under different circumstances and the role playing would be different and she could be seem as an acceptable mother the second time.

What's your alternative theory? Does it involve the word disorder? If so, i think you're the one guilty of magical thinking.

 

[Johnny1]

Try increasing your Viagra dose to 100mg if your doctor says it's OK. Then use it for the first couple times you're with a new girl until she knows you're a stud and can get the job done, then stop it for that girl.

Also (if no Viagra), wait until the morning for sex. Take advantage of your morning wood.

 

[cashfl0w_d0nkey]

I submit that there is a bit of psychoanalysis going into the mothering aspect (more on that in a second), but what is undeniable is that the "problem" is rooted in not bring turned on when the intimacy actually happens. Calling it a disorder is fallacious because it assumes that sex is what is supposed to happen in that situation. What I'm saying is that there is a psychological reason that it doesn't always happen and that reason is rooted in mate selection. Even if you consciously want to have sex at that moment, you subconsciously don't and you have to reflect on why that is the case. In my opinion it is because there is an issue with role playing. The dynamic is flawed in some way, and the result is discomfort instead of intimacy.

 

[DOB]

lol my erection problems are getting hard thinking about sex in public places like bus or metro all the time and fearing someone might notice the mass inflation in my yoghurt slinger area

 

[scureto1]

I don't think its so much a disorder as it is just a discomfort/anxiety thing. The source of the anxiety could be performance anxiety or some kind of guilt-based anxiety or any number of things that we can't really give any meaningful speculation on without knowing the OP. The physiological response to anxiety is very often the same response as the "fight-or-flight" response, which includes dilation of blood vessels in muscles and diversion of blood flow away from extremeties and to core muscle groups. Bad recipe for keeping an erection, but a very simple and empirical explanation for the symptoms.

 

[little BIG Pecker]

Quit masturbating (or limit it as much as possible)

Stop thinking about & worrying about sex.

Reduce your anxiety through meditation & exercise

Give up any hard stimulants

Try to get warm and get your blood flowing

You need to get relaxed physically and mentally.

Take something that increases testosterone (this definitely works)

When you're with a new girl. You should refrain from sex & get really worked up over time mentally. If she is your ultimate fantasy over a period of time, you should get a rock hard boner when that sexual moment comes.