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Is it possible to live a solitary life and be happy?

mal3volent

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jun 6, 2011
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I mean truly happy.

The more I think about this, the more unsure I am. Do humans really need a long term companion to have a fulfilling life, or is that just an artificial social construct? I find myself becoming more introverted as I get older which is the opposite of what I expected in my teenage years. And now that I honestly consider it, I can't really imagine being that intimate, every day, year after year. Constantly having someone around me, having to share feelings and emotions. I've never felt the thing people describe as "true love". I've of course been physically attracted to people, been infatuated with them, had on again off again sexual relationships...but never felt the desire to spend the rest of my life with someone or committ to anything that would involve me having to open myself up in such a way. I feel like I'm the kind of person that comes off as cold and distant to most people even when I'm feeling great. I guess I'm also skeptical that anyone could endure my bouts with depression, anxiety, and detatchment without becoming depressed themselves and resenting me for it.

Anyone else felt this way?
 
I don't think anyone could do it long term without enduring depression from lack of interaction. Humans are social creatures and the hermits of past have a reputation of only seeming happy whilst also being insane.

I enjoy being alone most of the time, but it does get to me.
 
My uncle moved as far as he could from the whole family and spends most of his time alone. He'll go camp in the mountain's for months by himself. I see him about every 3 yrs. or so, and he is one happy SOB. I'm not in a position for this lifestyle at the moment, but I gotta say it is very appealing.
 
i don't equate not being in a relationship with being solitary.

not being in a relationship i can be happy, overall happier actually cuz drama and all that shit gets to me.

actually being solitary i'd be miserable.
 
Having no human interaction I imagine could get lonely but I don't believe you need a long term companion to have a fulfilling life. I think at the end of the day, if you're not happy with yourself then your relationships will suffer and you're better off living alone.
 
I didn't mean never seeing anyone at all, or not going out. I meant solitary as in, a solitary trip through life. Not having a life long partner with who you share your deepest most personal parts of yourself. Not waking up next to someone every single day. Not having to take on another persons needs and desires along with your own.
 
I'm as introverted as they come and I still need people around. The difference is that I can't be around pushy or needy people socially. People can really drain me and I need lots of alone time to recharge. When I'm around people, they have to respect my space and leave me to my own devices if necessary. I can't handle constant engagement for a long time.

As for partnerships... that's something you have to ask yourself. If you do want it, it doesn't mean that you want it because of an artificial social construct. Human partnerships are a fact of human nature. But maybe for you it doesn't matter right now, and that's fine too. Maybe you just have other priorities.

For me, the older I get, the more I realize I'm not as in control as I thought. Sometimes partnerships happen when I didn't intend for it to, but I just go with the flow. Even something simple like sex... I want to have it, and sometimes sex turns into more, like dating or partnerships.

I dunno... I guess it's less intellectual for me.
 
I guess it would depend on the person and their lifestyle etc. I am mostly solitary and I loathe every minute of it.
 
I didn't mean never seeing anyone at all, or not going out. I meant solitary as in, a solitary trip through life. Not having a life long partner with who you share your deepest most personal parts of yourself. Not waking up next to someone every single day. Not having to take on another persons needs and desires along with your own.
I'm sure many people live like this and are content with no life partners. Or think about people who do and split up or their partner dies and find themselves alone again. I know lots of people who can't stand being alone and go from partner to partner and are happy to do just that.
 
I'm as introverted as they come and I still need people around. The difference is that I can't be around pushy or needy people socially. People can really drain me and I need lots of alone time to recharge. When I'm around people, they have to respect my space and leave me to my own devices if necessary. I can't handle constant engagement for a long time.

People drain me enough just going out and doing the things I need to do in order to survive. The thought alone of extending that experience into my personal realm tires me out. I need to be able to completely check out at some point every day.

Also, the thought of getting older and changing my mind is scary too because by that point what kind of person would want to enter into a relationship with someone so inexperienced? I'd fuck it up in 3 days max.
 
In terms of intimacy, I tend to have long-term partners, as opposed to dating and one-nighters. I was with my girlfriend for 7 years, and my ex-husband for 4, for example. I was used to having an "other"-someone who was by my side, got all my jokes, finished my sentences, knew me inside and out, and who I woke up next to every morning. But since my divorce (which was sudden and violent) I haven't even considered dating. I am relishing being a single woman; I haven't been one since I was a teenager. I love not having to think about anybody else's needs, being able to do whatever I want on a whim instead of working around someone else's schedule, even choosing what I am going to cook for dinner. I don't mean any of this in a selfish way; I simply haven't had solitude as an adult, and it's nice.

In terms of having a social life--that's vital to my happiness. I have a core group of friends who I've had for the last 20 years at least, who live all over the world, and who I see as often as I can. Then I have friends who I've met in recent years who I hike/surf/snowboard/dance/talk with at least twice a week. My job is demanding and stressful, and a great deal of my release happens with company. And instead of having sex (which is truly the only aspect of being single that comes up regularly) I release that energy through my yoga practice, teaching yoga, and going dancing often. Of course I have "private time" if the mood really strikes.

As a buddhist I have a lot of practice meditating, and therefore sitting/being alone, with just my breath. I think that practice makes being comfortable in my own skin, without a mate, come fairly naturally. At the same time, I know that so much of what makes life enjoyable and beautiful is when I share time, give love, and receive love. When I look back at my 32 years, for as long as I have been conscious of having a Self, I have enjoyed sharing life with others. Whether it was my sister when I was a child, or friends when I was in the 6th grade, my partners as I have lived all around the world, or my students as I taught English, or yoga, I have felt that way. To this day, time shared with others--family, friends, or complete strangers--is the time that I have cherished.

I guess my answer is: yes, it's absolutely possible, but I think one can thrive more as a social being.
 
i have decided,at 40,after being married for 15 years +one relationship
that i don't want to be around anyone i don't know if i can truly trust.

it's IMO ok to avoid marriage and children and long term relationships.
but i think we all need some human support from time to time.
especially if we're mentally ill.

my solution or thoughts right now is to go to NA meetings where i don't know anybody.
at least i'll b around people and can sit and chill for an hour without talking.
i used to go to AA for recovery but quit.

I'm currently finding NA meetings in my area as i am too depressed to travel even by bus.

I've personally lost faith in 12 steps groups as any means to a happy life.
by that i mean working the steps and "do as we do"policy they have.
im not going to participate in NA with a sponsor or raise my voice.
just going for the social aspect that for me means a casual "whats up"but nada more.
 
People drain me enough just going out and doing the things I need to do in order to survive. The thought alone of extending that experience into my personal realm tires me out. I need to be able to completely check out at some point every day.

In the beginning of the relationship I've found that sometimes you have to push your comfort when spending the night/day with them, but you still have the option to go back to your own place. Once you get to the point of moving in with them they will have learned a bit about you and still be able to spend time with you without draining your energies (this has been my experience as an introvert). In fact, for me, being in a relationship turns my interaction with my partner into more of an extroverted thing. I can recharge and gain energies from spending time with them, whereas anyone else will drain me.
 
People drain me enough just going out and doing the things I need to do in order to survive. The thought alone of extending that experience into my personal realm tires me out. I need to be able to completely check out at some point every day.

Also, the thought of getting older and changing my mind is scary too because by that point what kind of person would want to enter into a relationship with someone so inexperienced? I'd fuck it up in 3 days max.

Can I ask... are you feeling very introverted now or has it always been this way? Because if it's a recent thing (even as of a few years ago), then it could change again. If day to day people interactions are that draining for you and you can't functionally interact for survival purposes, then there might be a deeper issue going on.

I've gone through intense periods of isolation where I have felt like I forgot how to be with people and no one will ever want to be around me again, but when I've come out of my cave and talked to people the old programming switches back on again.

As for being alone... there are 7 billion humans on this planet. You'd be surprised.
 
The more I think about this, the more unsure I am. Do humans really need a long term companion to have a fulfilling life, or is that just an artificial social construct? I find myself becoming more introverted as I get older which is the opposite of what I expected in my teenage years. And now that I honestly consider it, I can't really imagine being that intimate, every day, year after year. Constantly having someone around me, having to share feelings and emotions. I've never felt the thing people describe as "true love". I've of course been physically attracted to people, been infatuated with them, had on again off again sexual relationships...but never felt the desire to spend the rest of my life with someone or committ to anything that would involve me having to open myself up in such a way. I feel like I'm the kind of person that comes off as cold and distant to most people even when I'm feeling great. I guess I'm also skeptical that anyone could endure my bouts with depression, anxiety, and detatchment without becoming depressed themselves and resenting me for it.

Anyone else felt this way?

I think it is partially an artificial social construct, but it's a social construct that does work for a lot of people. There are tons of old married couples who seem pretty happy and satisfied with life. On the other hand there are also a lot of people who get married just because it's what you're "supposed" to do, which can often end in messy break-ups and divorces. If you look at the origins of marriage in western society it wasn't even meant to bring happiness. It was a "property" exchange and a way for the man to pass on his genes and family name by having kids.

I pretty much feel the same way as you do about having a partner for life. I do of course enjoy some female companionship, but I really don't think I could be with someone every single day for the rest of my life. Maybe I just haven't met the "right person", but I truly can't imagine anyone who wouldn't start irritating me after spending that much time with them, and I know I would get on their nerves as well (I am too uncompromising and lost in my own little world).
 
i think only by asking it here you dont feel that is ultimatetly right. im an intro vert to but i catch myself wanting to love and nourish someone and it feels right for me at the moment , the answers to your questions lies inside of you dude maybe you just didnt met the right people yet . i have a budhist friend we see each other once in 6 months and every time is like a single day from our last seperation didnt past we are both content with this periodic interaction i also have friends with whom i share my silence with you dont need to talk all the time .

in the end i wondered about this question by myself alot , i ended up at the point that i shall not do anything that i dont want to , right now i just want to give a hug to someone and in the thought of that my heart warms do whatever your heart tells you dont be afraid to hurt alitle dont be afraid to be happy
 
Can I ask... are you feeling very introverted now or has it always been this way? Because if it's a recent thing (even as of a few years ago), then it could change again. If day to day people interactions are that draining for you and you can't functionally interact for survival purposes, then there might be a deeper issue going on.

I've gone through intense periods of isolation where I have felt like I forgot how to be with people and no one will ever want to be around me again, but when I've come out of my cave and talked to people the old programming switches back on again.

As for being alone... there are 7 billion humans on this planet. You'd be surprised.

No its pretty much always been this way. As a kid I spent a lot of time with my older brother and some of his friends but didn't really interact with them all that much. Never bothered to have any of my own, I mean, there might have been one here or there...might have went to a birthday party now and then but for the most part I had school and once I was home that was it. And I was okay with that. In high school I socialized, but mostly that was just a side effect of drinking or getting high. I had a group of "friends" but really they were just people who I used in some way to score or people I fucked around with who I liked but didn't mean that much to me at the end of the day. I didn't have to invest anything, and I was still a loner for the most part. Sexually, I was pretty miserable during this period because I lived in a small town and people do not take kindly to the gays here. There were only a couple of guys at my school who were open about it but they were a little too flamboyant for me. I did some things with girls but obviously never felt very satisfied.

Toward the end of high school and a few years after, I did meet a guy that I had genuine feelings for. This was the best and worst part of my life. I go into great detail about it here. You can read all about it if you want. I said earlier I had never felt love. I wanted to love this guy but I knew it could never be reciprocated so it was more of a one sided infatuation or obsession. Its been a couple of years since I've seen him. That whole experience left me feeling more cynical and distant than ever before.

Since then I've moved on a little. Started to do a few more positive things but still have a long way to go. Maybe I'm just scarred from the bad experiences in my past and that has contributed to the way I feel now. Maybe I've always been this way. Hard to say.
 
For the past 10 years, I have lived a solitary life and I am content. Not happy but content. I haven't been able to find a girlfriend to join me on my journey and 90 percent of my friends have gotten married and have had children. Others have moved away to pursue careers. Its has its ups and downs.
 
I mean truly happy.

The more I think about this, the more unsure I am. Do humans really need a long term companion to have a fulfilling life, or is that just an artificial social construct? I find myself becoming more introverted as I get older which is the opposite of what I expected in my teenage years. And now that I honestly consider it, I can't really imagine being that intimate, every day, year after year. Constantly having someone around me, having to share feelings and emotions. I've never felt the thing people describe as "true love". I've of course been physically attracted to people, been infatuated with them, had on again off again sexual relationships...but never felt the desire to spend the rest of my life with someone or committ to anything that would involve me having to open myself up in such a way. I feel like I'm the kind of person that comes off as cold and distant to most people even when I'm feeling great. I guess I'm also skeptical that anyone could endure my bouts with depression, anxiety, and detatchment without becoming depressed themselves and resenting me for it.

Anyone else felt this way?

Yes its possible ? If 'you' seek a life of solitude and you think this will bring you happiness then of course if you follow that path. Does the fact that your asking the question to a random group of people not suggest you actually enjoy the input of suggestions from society ?

Does not asking a group of people - Can I be happy alone a bit of an oxymoron ?
 
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