TheLorax17
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 30, 2014
- Messages
- 4
Hey everyone. I am a extremely athletic 18 Year old male , 5'5" 125 lbs. Currently a Senior in high school and have been abusing adderall alot lately and i desperately need to find someone who has had similar experiences
First you should get a little background of me and my life before adderall.
In middle school i was a pretty small kid, i got picked on alot. Not really hardcore bullying, but it was enough to affect me. No one really liked me because i had a tendency to be annoying, i admit i was very immature but who isn't in middle school? I was never really good at school. Although I am extremely intelligent, i slowly started to decline in grades. I was basically just that kid that tried to be funny and get people to like him but was looked at as annoying and not likeable just because a bunch of other kids came to that conclusion.
Now into freshman year i started to change. I came into it with very few friends, essentially just my soccer team and my childhood bestfriend. I failed alot of my classes and I began taking pills and smoking k2 as a kind of relief. I smoked the k2 instead of weed because i was paranoid about weed lasting so long and of my parents finding out. I also got in trouble alot, i was just immature and clueless. I even got suspended for 10 days for stealing from the boys locker room just because i wanted an ipod and a phone. Into Sophmore year i went on a Benadryl binge. I took a bunch of benadryl (250mg+) and i went into this groggy state where i could only visibly focus on something for a few seconds before it started to jiggle or warp slightly and i could not snap out of the stare. Anyways, after i did this a few times it took another week for the effects to fully go away. This was only in the 1st semester of highschool. After this i started smoking weed, which i continued to do about once every week. I was still doing poorly in school, but not failing as many classes as the previous year. Junior year and i still had the same reputation, most people kind of avoided me. I wasn't someone they'd want to asscociate themselves with. I didnt really care and had my 5 or 6 real friends there for me. This is the year where i began to smoke weed daily. Every day of my life from about December 2012- July 2013 i was getting stoned. And now comes the reason for this whole post, that little magic pill. My poor grades but massive potential caused my mother to check for add. My teachers filled out a questionaire and just like that, i was diagnosed with add and perscribed adderall. This began in Early October 2012. I was taking 10 mg xr for a short time t get used to the drug before i started my real dose of 15mg XR. I do not remember the feeling vividly, but it was definitly good. Although One thing i remember is having a sort of panic attack one of the first times i did it. I felt trapped in my own mind with a million thoughts trying to be processed at once and i did not know what to do with myself and had to go home from work just to cope with it. But anyways, once steadily dosing I no longer had any immature thoughts, something id normally do off the pill then became clearly immature in my mind. I thought about everything thoroughly and quickly. It was the me that i wish i couldve been. My grades did improve greatly and i surprisingly passed everything. My whole image was changed, everything people despised me for had somehow faded. I was less talktative, People liked me, i no longer got into much trouble, my ambition was in full blast and i felt succesfull and confident. My thought process had changed. Instead of being a rebel and disobeying everything, my mindset became "Just get it over with and everything will be easier" i did things such as clean my room because my brain helped me realize i should just do it instead of being difficult just for the hell of it. After a while I ironically began hating the drug and its effects on making me less fun and started not taking them some days. Once school was over for summer i got rid of the perscription and had a normal summer. During this time period of adderall my dosage increased from 15mg xr to 30mg xr (Keep in mind i am smoking weed everyday throughout the whole adderall introduction then stopping.) I felt no addiction symptoms at all when i stopped.
Summer is over and i am now beginning school again. My perscription is rewritten and i am perscribed 40mg xr every morning. I was a promising High School athlete, one of the star players on the Soccer team. Although i smoked ciggarettes on&off since junior year(no more than a few a day) I could still run faster and longer than anyone else.. i am just a natural born athlete. I did not take my adderall everyday during soccer because it affected my gameplay by making me dehydrated and it clustered my mind with way too many thoughts and i couldn't just focus on soccer and only soccer. I had an uncontrollable tendency to want to talk to everyone. I also could not help but think about every little thing that occured to me or that i am planning to do in the future.. my mind was just constantly going. When i played a game on adderall, i got the feeling of being out of breath, but without being out of breath. I then realized my lungs werent tired, my heart was. I limited my running the rest of the game because i feared i would have a heart attack. Soccer season ended in early october, and my problem begins. I begin taking my adderall normally again, and i continue to do well in school and act like a model child. But after a few days i noticed that kick wasn't there anymore. So one day afterschool i chewed an extra half capsule of 20mg xr and felt full of energy. I felt more mature, but i was very panicky. It made me overthink every little thing that was going on in my life but these thoughts came and went randomly. i also couldn't sleep that night even when i tried to lay in silence and blackness for an hour. After that happening i them avoided taking anything above my 40mg Dose.
Fast forward to mid november. Everything is okay, my grades are good, i have not gotten in any trouble at all for a few months and my peers now see me with a new perspective. The memory of the old idiotic me was fading and i liked it. My life had finally become somewhat normal. But my desire for an extra kick in the ass from my adderall increased every time i went to work. So one day i took 3 of my 20mg xr, 20mg above my perscription. Now the feeling of the extra adderall was completely different than what i had experienced the first time (or the feelings were the same and my body just coped with it better). I felt amazing, i wanted to help everyone. Anything that needed to be done, i did it beyond the point of what was asked and i actually enjoyed it. A simple task that id normally hate to do such as cleaning and organizing a fridge became an exciting and fun project. I hate to say it, but i then fell in love with the pill. I started taking one extra 20mgxr everyday and enjoyed it. A week later the effects dulled and i upped my daily dosage up to 80mg xr, and all those feelings of confidence and success came back. The only downside was i would crash afterschool therefore my homework completion slowly started to decline, but it was not enough to fail or cause me stress. Overall i was happy. The old me was seemingly gone forever and i was the only one who knew that adderall was my cure.
But that desire for more became more and more consistent. I had a medcheckup appointment with my doctor during Christmas Break. After conversing with the doctor and pointing out my crash afterschool in hopes i would recieve more adderall.. the doctor perscribed 20mg IR to be taken after school. Now let me say this... My love for the drug was not obssesive like most people who abuse it. I did not fantasize about the drug, i did not praise it or go crazy if i ran low. Adderall was just part of my daily life. Its what made me... me. Now, the new dosage helped a small amount but it was not like how it used to be. I needed more.. my motivation was at about 70% while it used to be at 100 when i took the med. So i upped the dose again. 80mg xr in the morning, then 20 IR afterschool. As predicted everything was perfect again, i was loving every moment of it. But i started to notice some weird things happening. My heart felt weird. Most people do not conciously feel theyre heart beating. I could feel it pumping all the time. Sometimes it would jump or increase/decrease very quickly for a short amount of time. I also started to have thoughts that i am becoming addicted to this amazing drug but convinced myself that my adderall use was HELPING me so it could not be a drug addiction. Another reoccuring thought i had was wishing i could be normal and not be so jittery and wanting to do things all the time. But these thoughts were short lived due to reassuring myself it is the best thing thats happened to me. January 10th i began taking 5 20mg xr's and 20mg IR in the evening. The original effect that dearly loved somehow became nearly impossible to achieve. On the 120mg of adderall, which i knew was a very large amount, i felt for the first time like a drug addict. My mind was running a thousand miles an hour but my eyes and body felt as though they were losing power. My body cant keep up with my brain so it is different than how it used to be. My heart starts to beat harder and jump more frequently. But i can still feel the adderall working its magic(a little bit faded magic) and i did not care about the side effects. From that day until now i am taking 6 20mg xr's, and 30mg IR everyday. I have recently started to notice that this may be a problem. I have short periods of time where i know that i probobly need help and that this 150mg+ dose of amphetamine could potentially overload my small body. If i do not take this drug i feel worthless, i need it just to be able to think and interact normally.
I am constantly tweaking on my adderall. I am directly on the path to graduation (purely because my the drug) but i sometimes remember that i am taking a very high dose of adderall and by graduation something bad may happen. Do i have a problem? Should i quit? I went from being a hated piece of shit and useless individual to a perservering succesful and normal teenager. And i finally have friends and my family is proud of me. but I do not know what i am even like anymore, and my short term memory is completely shot. i even forgot my birthday is in a few days. I wakeup, take the adderall, let it run me, eat(minimal) sleep then i wake up and do it again. My days are insanely repetitive, making me completely lose track of time. I am not a long term addict but i have gone up in dose in such a short amount of time and it is concerning me. Please let me know what i should do..
sorry its so long, im currently tweaking on my adderall.
First you should get a little background of me and my life before adderall.
In middle school i was a pretty small kid, i got picked on alot. Not really hardcore bullying, but it was enough to affect me. No one really liked me because i had a tendency to be annoying, i admit i was very immature but who isn't in middle school? I was never really good at school. Although I am extremely intelligent, i slowly started to decline in grades. I was basically just that kid that tried to be funny and get people to like him but was looked at as annoying and not likeable just because a bunch of other kids came to that conclusion.
Now into freshman year i started to change. I came into it with very few friends, essentially just my soccer team and my childhood bestfriend. I failed alot of my classes and I began taking pills and smoking k2 as a kind of relief. I smoked the k2 instead of weed because i was paranoid about weed lasting so long and of my parents finding out. I also got in trouble alot, i was just immature and clueless. I even got suspended for 10 days for stealing from the boys locker room just because i wanted an ipod and a phone. Into Sophmore year i went on a Benadryl binge. I took a bunch of benadryl (250mg+) and i went into this groggy state where i could only visibly focus on something for a few seconds before it started to jiggle or warp slightly and i could not snap out of the stare. Anyways, after i did this a few times it took another week for the effects to fully go away. This was only in the 1st semester of highschool. After this i started smoking weed, which i continued to do about once every week. I was still doing poorly in school, but not failing as many classes as the previous year. Junior year and i still had the same reputation, most people kind of avoided me. I wasn't someone they'd want to asscociate themselves with. I didnt really care and had my 5 or 6 real friends there for me. This is the year where i began to smoke weed daily. Every day of my life from about December 2012- July 2013 i was getting stoned. And now comes the reason for this whole post, that little magic pill. My poor grades but massive potential caused my mother to check for add. My teachers filled out a questionaire and just like that, i was diagnosed with add and perscribed adderall. This began in Early October 2012. I was taking 10 mg xr for a short time t get used to the drug before i started my real dose of 15mg XR. I do not remember the feeling vividly, but it was definitly good. Although One thing i remember is having a sort of panic attack one of the first times i did it. I felt trapped in my own mind with a million thoughts trying to be processed at once and i did not know what to do with myself and had to go home from work just to cope with it. But anyways, once steadily dosing I no longer had any immature thoughts, something id normally do off the pill then became clearly immature in my mind. I thought about everything thoroughly and quickly. It was the me that i wish i couldve been. My grades did improve greatly and i surprisingly passed everything. My whole image was changed, everything people despised me for had somehow faded. I was less talktative, People liked me, i no longer got into much trouble, my ambition was in full blast and i felt succesfull and confident. My thought process had changed. Instead of being a rebel and disobeying everything, my mindset became "Just get it over with and everything will be easier" i did things such as clean my room because my brain helped me realize i should just do it instead of being difficult just for the hell of it. After a while I ironically began hating the drug and its effects on making me less fun and started not taking them some days. Once school was over for summer i got rid of the perscription and had a normal summer. During this time period of adderall my dosage increased from 15mg xr to 30mg xr (Keep in mind i am smoking weed everyday throughout the whole adderall introduction then stopping.) I felt no addiction symptoms at all when i stopped.
Summer is over and i am now beginning school again. My perscription is rewritten and i am perscribed 40mg xr every morning. I was a promising High School athlete, one of the star players on the Soccer team. Although i smoked ciggarettes on&off since junior year(no more than a few a day) I could still run faster and longer than anyone else.. i am just a natural born athlete. I did not take my adderall everyday during soccer because it affected my gameplay by making me dehydrated and it clustered my mind with way too many thoughts and i couldn't just focus on soccer and only soccer. I had an uncontrollable tendency to want to talk to everyone. I also could not help but think about every little thing that occured to me or that i am planning to do in the future.. my mind was just constantly going. When i played a game on adderall, i got the feeling of being out of breath, but without being out of breath. I then realized my lungs werent tired, my heart was. I limited my running the rest of the game because i feared i would have a heart attack. Soccer season ended in early october, and my problem begins. I begin taking my adderall normally again, and i continue to do well in school and act like a model child. But after a few days i noticed that kick wasn't there anymore. So one day afterschool i chewed an extra half capsule of 20mg xr and felt full of energy. I felt more mature, but i was very panicky. It made me overthink every little thing that was going on in my life but these thoughts came and went randomly. i also couldn't sleep that night even when i tried to lay in silence and blackness for an hour. After that happening i them avoided taking anything above my 40mg Dose.
Fast forward to mid november. Everything is okay, my grades are good, i have not gotten in any trouble at all for a few months and my peers now see me with a new perspective. The memory of the old idiotic me was fading and i liked it. My life had finally become somewhat normal. But my desire for an extra kick in the ass from my adderall increased every time i went to work. So one day i took 3 of my 20mg xr, 20mg above my perscription. Now the feeling of the extra adderall was completely different than what i had experienced the first time (or the feelings were the same and my body just coped with it better). I felt amazing, i wanted to help everyone. Anything that needed to be done, i did it beyond the point of what was asked and i actually enjoyed it. A simple task that id normally hate to do such as cleaning and organizing a fridge became an exciting and fun project. I hate to say it, but i then fell in love with the pill. I started taking one extra 20mgxr everyday and enjoyed it. A week later the effects dulled and i upped my daily dosage up to 80mg xr, and all those feelings of confidence and success came back. The only downside was i would crash afterschool therefore my homework completion slowly started to decline, but it was not enough to fail or cause me stress. Overall i was happy. The old me was seemingly gone forever and i was the only one who knew that adderall was my cure.
But that desire for more became more and more consistent. I had a medcheckup appointment with my doctor during Christmas Break. After conversing with the doctor and pointing out my crash afterschool in hopes i would recieve more adderall.. the doctor perscribed 20mg IR to be taken after school. Now let me say this... My love for the drug was not obssesive like most people who abuse it. I did not fantasize about the drug, i did not praise it or go crazy if i ran low. Adderall was just part of my daily life. Its what made me... me. Now, the new dosage helped a small amount but it was not like how it used to be. I needed more.. my motivation was at about 70% while it used to be at 100 when i took the med. So i upped the dose again. 80mg xr in the morning, then 20 IR afterschool. As predicted everything was perfect again, i was loving every moment of it. But i started to notice some weird things happening. My heart felt weird. Most people do not conciously feel theyre heart beating. I could feel it pumping all the time. Sometimes it would jump or increase/decrease very quickly for a short amount of time. I also started to have thoughts that i am becoming addicted to this amazing drug but convinced myself that my adderall use was HELPING me so it could not be a drug addiction. Another reoccuring thought i had was wishing i could be normal and not be so jittery and wanting to do things all the time. But these thoughts were short lived due to reassuring myself it is the best thing thats happened to me. January 10th i began taking 5 20mg xr's and 20mg IR in the evening. The original effect that dearly loved somehow became nearly impossible to achieve. On the 120mg of adderall, which i knew was a very large amount, i felt for the first time like a drug addict. My mind was running a thousand miles an hour but my eyes and body felt as though they were losing power. My body cant keep up with my brain so it is different than how it used to be. My heart starts to beat harder and jump more frequently. But i can still feel the adderall working its magic(a little bit faded magic) and i did not care about the side effects. From that day until now i am taking 6 20mg xr's, and 30mg IR everyday. I have recently started to notice that this may be a problem. I have short periods of time where i know that i probobly need help and that this 150mg+ dose of amphetamine could potentially overload my small body. If i do not take this drug i feel worthless, i need it just to be able to think and interact normally.
I am constantly tweaking on my adderall. I am directly on the path to graduation (purely because my the drug) but i sometimes remember that i am taking a very high dose of adderall and by graduation something bad may happen. Do i have a problem? Should i quit? I went from being a hated piece of shit and useless individual to a perservering succesful and normal teenager. And i finally have friends and my family is proud of me. but I do not know what i am even like anymore, and my short term memory is completely shot. i even forgot my birthday is in a few days. I wakeup, take the adderall, let it run me, eat(minimal) sleep then i wake up and do it again. My days are insanely repetitive, making me completely lose track of time. I am not a long term addict but i have gone up in dose in such a short amount of time and it is concerning me. Please let me know what i should do..
sorry its so long, im currently tweaking on my adderall.
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