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Harm Reduction ⫸Should I Try HEROIN?⫷

Here is some contrast to my post above. This was last January when I was in the depths of hell.

ShroomySatori said:
I am still alive at least. I did some heroin for a few months straight. It was very pure which isn't a good thing, I really wish it hadn't been, my tolerance grew so high. When it is pure like that, like 50 - 80% or whatever it ruins your life quicker than ever. At first it was great but then my tolerance grew and it would still be great but I also lost my connection to any of it for now. It has left me feeling more suicidal than I have ever felt. I wish I was dead I truly do, and I mean it, if I died today I'd miss a few friends and they would be sad but I'd be in a better place for sure. Reincarnated as some alien-rabbit on some other planet in a galaxy far away, where opiates don't exist.

And when I was on it I was no longer becoming euphoric, I just felt completely normal - but normal is under-rated. I'd do anything just to be a normal human being, that is really all I want. Like how I used to be when I was just a pothead. That makes me cry. I was just a fun guy back then. I liked to skateboard, snowboard, play hockey, tennis, cycling, hiking, running, yoga, backyard astronomy, reading about eastern mysticism; I was always in the gym. I was always doing something with my day. I woke up, and I would smoke some joints have breakfast and do stuff. My days consisted of doing things. I had a fun social life, way more friends than I ever needed, went to parties on the weekend and stuff. Smoked weed with friends. I do nothing now, I can't even really smoke anymore and I don't interact with the human race very much. I don't like to anymore. I wish I was still just that pothead.

I haven't used any of that H in a week but I have been using oxy, morphine, and dilaudid instead and also picked up an amphetamine habit recently. The amphetamines give me a little bit of energy in withdrawal so that's when I use them. I will use coke as well but not often. Anyways, I am still an addict and my habits have only progressed since I stopped posting here. I stopped writing because I was just high. When you're high, you have it figured out.

I had a good life up until I hurt my back. Kills me to think of where I'd be if that never happened. I'd probably be a millionaire to be honest, but I have nothing. Over some stupid fucking injury that never should have happened. Makes it tough for me to believe in any sort of god anymore. And how I waited two years for health care and by that point was so fed up I had already tried heroin and was addicted to percocets and then just got the prescribed. The first opiate I did was heroin because I figured that it would take away the extreme back pain. It did, and it still does, but I become suicidal without it and it isn't legal as it should be in my view so I can never always have it.

I cannot even feel the pills these days, I can take like 60mg oxy and it will be like a sugar pill. I don't view myself seeing the year through, I really don't. Every day this past week I have done nothing but suffer, it was a long time coming that I would run out again. There is no sign of improvement, this time I've really done it. I feel like I should just quit because I've suffered enough at this point but by quit, at this point I just mean abusing other drugs like coke, speed, mdma, whatever... while using painkillers for pain. I feel like I could do it if I still got high recreationally off other stuff to keep me sane. Using any drugs is better than this devil. My prescription was just fine for the first year. I didn't touch H or anything during that time.

I don't like my life anymore. I no longer like myself. I don't really have hope anymore either. I already tried to quit and couldn't, although at one point I could have become a cokehead using the odd oxy instead and that would have been preferable to this monstrosity of a family of drugs. I had an alright youth I guess, looking back, but my life has been ruined by back pain and these stupid drugs now. I just can't do it anymore personally. I am done with life. I have been through withdrawal too many times to keep doing it. I think that this will be my final post. So this is what ended up happening to me. You can consider that I wound up dead, it is just a brief matter of time. I will be in a better place then.
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SHROOMY
Those past posts break my heart. SO glad you fought thru it all n you're here today , chasing vixens!
 
No

This is coming from a recovered addict who is in full relapse as of 3 months ago. NO DO NOT TRY IT. You may be able to only do it once but you may also fall in love like I did the very first time.. And trust me the risk isn't worth it.!! I was clean for 2 years and relapsed 3 months ago and an once again slyly dependent on heroin. Once you're hooked youre hooked for life.. Even recovering addicts will tell you it's a battle EVERY day. Even when I had two years clean I still thought about it everyday. Smoke pot. Snort a pain pill. Stay the duck away from heroin. It's nothing but bad news.! The high isn't worth it. And all she wants to do is consume you. Walk away while you still can.!
 
SHROOMY that post gives me the chills now because that is exactly what went through my head every time I tried to quit.
 
TwackQueen said:
This is coming from a recovered addict who is in full relapse as of 3 months ago. NO DO NOT TRY IT. You may be able to only do it once but you may also fall in love like I did the very first time.. And trust me the risk isn't worth it.!! I was clean for 2 years and relapsed 3 months ago and an once again slyly dependent on heroin. Once you're hooked youre hooked for life.. Even recovering addicts will tell you it's a battle EVERY day. Even when I had two years clean I still thought about it everyday. Smoke pot. Snort a pain pill. Stay the duck away from heroin. It's nothing but bad news.! The high isn't worth it. And all she wants to do is consume you. Walk away while you still can.!
Click to expand...

True, we spend most of our life struggling - even when you successfully manage to sober up.

chemfast said:
SHROOMY that post gives me the chills now because that is exactly what went through my head every time I tried to quit.
Click to expand...

But you can quit. Most of us do at some point, and it’s best to do it sooner rather than somewhere in the future. You can do this!
 
I am a few days over three weeks clean!

My life has changed in so many positive ways that it would take an essay to even begin to describe the transformation, and really it is beyond words and something I will only ever truly understand.

I have been having cravings for oxycodone and cocaine lately, as by the end of my habit, I could no longer get high off any amount of opiates... even 400mg oxycodone a day would keep me from being sick but still leave me depressed. Railed 100 grand worth of smack up my nose in 5 years. I understand that the cravings will pass, but it is very hard.

Please don't ever make the first step towards ending up in this situation, or worse. I am grateful to be alive, I could have died so many times and I wouldn't be here to enjoy my life so much! You never know what the future holds in store... even if it's a few years from now, hang in there and you can find inner peace. I really just can't see anyone interested in trying heroin unless they are suffering unbearably in some way, or extremely naive.

You all have my blessings with this next inhalation of frankincense and sandalwood essential oils from the palms of my hand... running fox, chemfast, lvl 18, erikmen (you are doing great work with this thread), and anyone who I missed who is suffering from this affliction or considering poisoning themselves with it.

I would have slit my wrists three weeks ago if I had the strength to get out of bed... I wanted to paint the walls with blood before slashing my own neck. I wanted to jump off some very tall cliffs I know of and plunge to the rocky creek hundreds of feet below. I wanted to hang myself from the rafters. But I was too weak to do shit but endure the most unbearable suffering I have ever experienced in my life, and there was a lot of fucking shit that l couldn't handle emotionally and physically which took it's toll, led to disease of the mind and soul (chronic pain, and panic attacks which I will deal with for the rest of my life) and eventually I was ready to die (and had the energy to do it) so I started sniffing smack as my first opiate after railing 2mg of hydromorphone and having one of the best days of my life on vacation (my girlfriend at the time couldnt' deal with my back pain anymore, so she stole some meds from her dying grandmother and that is how I was introduced... I had already tried heroin and decided I didn't like it... hydromorphone made me realize I had the dose wrong and needed just a tiny little pinch. Well... that little pinch and first gram which lasted 6 months turned into 100 grand over 5 years blown up my nose and using any and every opiate / opioid under the sun I could find. Dilaudid and oxy were my favourite for the first 6 months, and then it was china white from there on out unless I couldn't get the pure.

You all have my blessings with this next inhalation. *pause, deep inhalations of a sacred blend of distilled oils intended for spiritual healing*... I bring positive energy and good karma forth to anyone here who is suffering in some way, or is too naive to realize what the fuck they are getting themselves into.
 
Well said SHROOMY. We all love ya! So glad you crawled outta those depths. I was really worried bout ya a few weeks back.

Thanks for the mention, the props, the blessings.
 
I wasn't worried, personally, as I was suicidal the whole time I was a junkie.

Now, I am very much concerned about a relapse hitting me when I least suspect it. That evil god forsaken snake that is smack with bite you in your sleep like an Indian common krait and you won't even feel it.

I would like to continue smiling, laughing, being creative and enjoying most every moment of my life as I possibly can. I am being driven slightly insane by insomnia since I quit that disgusting fucking garbage. I have NO idea what I was thinking. The transformation has been majestic and magnificent and I keep attracting more and more positivity and beauty into my life while eliminating toxic people (as much as I can... they are miserable, everywhere and like to prey on the happy and cheerful) and I'm just having a great time. Laughing my ass of at the moment I sort of forget why... oh right, I was talking with a colleague through a voice chat app we use for work about how stoned we get for our midnight at-home shifts. Too funny I didn't really see her as a pothead but with a job like this... you sort of have to be tripping out on something or other.

I couldn't even work as a worthless, despicable, disgusting, vile, atrocious monstrosity of a vampire heroin fucking sniffing fucking junkie. I was far too selfish and unreliable to give anything back to the world, I just wanted to take take take and ended up nearly killing myself as a result. I am very grateful to be alive and anyone who is using that shit or thinking about it SNAP the fucking fuck out of your worthless fucking existence. Take a look around, take some time and be patient for once and smell the freakin daisies! There is no need for that bullshit to make anyone happy, you never know where you will be a year from now (unless you are a junkie... you'll be either day or WAY worse off than you are now and it is completely, easily, 100% predictable in that sense) so why not attract some positivity, beauty, and creative outlets into your life so you are not being such a dumbass as to continue using heroin and essentially committing suicide, or what amounts in my mind to having suicidal ideation (thinking of trying the FILTH).
 
I think most of us are suicidal while we are doing drugs, especially opiates where I would tend to care less for basically everything expect for the next shot. But it also happens when you are rock bottom from shooting up coke. Nothing compared to smack though.

I also can relate to this concern of relapsing. I'm almost 3 years sober and I'm still afraid of travelling to some places I know it would be very easy to score.

Although I developed strategies to avoid getting near to the relapsing 'area', so to speak, it's never going to be a guarantee. There's not such thing of ex-junkie or former addicts imo. You just have to keep moving on and everyday matters. Every time you get extremely stressed, or when you break up with someone you really love.

Being vulnerable is the worst thing for me. But the past year has been a lot better than any other time before. I think I'm stronger and less worried. I trust me a bit more so to say. And this is a good thing because I still live one day at a time, most of the time.
 
Man it seems like that shit fucking traumatized you. I have nearly a month now, and I haven't had a single craving, or urge to use whatsoever. I think maybe, because I never used a needle (apart from 5 times, it was one of the reasons I quit as I figured I was going to die... but I wanted to die... I don't really understand how I quit?) I will never understand how I made it this far. I mean, I lost everything and my life was SO not worth living I may as well have been better off dead, so I figured I may as well try being alive again and holy fuck do I feel fucking good these days!!! It hurt me so much to the extent that I resent it with all my heart now. Maybe that's why I don't ever have cravings, I don't really know. I don't even remember what the high is like, and don't care to find out. It is just so in the past for me it's so weird like that. I have attracted too much positivity, hilarity, and beauty into my life since I quit. Why would I go back to being a miserable fucking vampire.... that doesn't even do it justice. I was nothing. I didn't exist. Every ounce of spirit had been leeched from the marrow of my bones. I was a total zombie with no soul, no energy, no will to do anything but get a temporary "fix". That shit is such fucking bullshit I would beat the fuck out of someone who used it around me uncontrlllably. Just because they may the fuck as well be dead anyway if they are stupid and selfish enough to use that disgusting fucking garbage. Junkie is a totally appropriate term, and any heroin addict deserves to be called much worse things than that, as they are nothing but garbage to this planet. The only reason for being, is the very slight potential that you may in fact be man enough to clean up your act... like 1% or so in my opinion.

I went through cold turkey fucking agony though... I know everyone has their own way of quitting and it depends on a lot of different factors and stuff.

Just want to say I was thinking of slitting my wrists about a month ago (you can see the post on the page before). Will send chills down any junkies spine. Well, today was wonderful. My life keeps getting better and better and I made friends through work with a lovely chick who I feel is like the only girl I've ever talked to who I can just completely be myself around. I just see her as a friend but... buttt.. yeah I have a crush on her. Her artwork (sketching) is un. belieavable. Me and my bro can do like any creative outlet at all except artwork so I think it is the hottest thing. Anyways, since I was so comfortable chatting with her and we are both total potheads I pretty much told her everything about me and she was the first chick to not cast a word or thought of judgement against me for it. Just said damn. been through a lot eh.

So I brought up an extremely elaborate tattoo idea I have and said if you sketch something based around this I will get it tattooed on my arm. Seriously I would do it without even looking when she is done, she is really that talented.

I see her as a good friend though and that's it, I'm just attracting more and more positivity and beauty into my life since I got clean and it has not even been a month ysuc. As a junkie I couldn't work, I couldn't even apply for a job I was such pathetic burnout scum. All I gave a fuck about were my lines of china white or afghan disgusting smack. The purer it is, the worse that shit is well I guess not anymore, because the wrong cut these days is so easy to get and so easy to kill.

I don't even understand what I was thinking or how I got addicted. I cannot comprehend how it got completely out of control so fast (like a year) when it started off so innocent. Just a little crutch for my chronic back pain. Well it ruined 5 years of my life I will never get back and life is short. I am living every moment now to love and enjoy every aspect of my beautiful life because I truly have it good, I have everything going for me I'm at the prime of my life in terms of my health and age... I have never been happier and all I need is myself. Maybe some weed and psychs as I am sort of an acid freak now. I had to clean up my place for like 2 hours to make it look presentable today as my boss was coming over, but he dropped the thing I needed off outside. So, now it is only an acid freakhouse the to psychedelic-fried trained eye. I tired "sobering up" (I consider myself straight sober on certain psychedelics) with a glass of water, not realized I had laced it with 2CC earlier LOL. LOL and I told this chick because I will tell her anything and she's in hysterics too about it she's like WTF is wrong with you man. I'm like I don't even know, I don't think anything? I'm just a fucking acid freak hippie fucking FUCK. LOL

I am getting sillier and sillier. Practicing yoga really helps... held 2 10min down dogs today and a lot of 5min yin asanas. I've been in hysterics all day. I never laughed as a junkie, I couldn't watch anything funny anymore. Well... I guess when I was dabbing hash oil I could for a little bit, but not really. My pupils were so pinned I don't think I was really seeing the world around me. It numbs everything out, you may as well be dead if you are using this fucking trash.

Why the fuck would anyway even consider using this shit? You gotta be deluded or fucked up in some way. I had extreme chronic pain in my spine for 2 years and it fucked me up so bad I decided to sniff smack, and the pain went away. Well let me tell you the pain of 10 days of withdrawal is worse than a lifetime of chronic back pain. I relapsed continuously, over and over and over and over again until I finally SNAPPED. THE FUCK. OUT OF IT LIKE A MAN AND STOPPED BEING A CHILDISH FUCKING BOY.

Had a lovely day today : ) serious, chatted up my friend, cleaned my place, was in total hysterics most of the day. I am a completely different person now, and myself again, but something has changed. You can never really go back to who you were before after suffering this much. It's like, a fucking cancer or plague or some fucking shit... I don't know how to describe it. Like being possessed by something that wants nothing to do but destroy you and slowly torture you not only physically but emotionally until you are enslaved by it before it kills you.

Who the fuck would risk trying that shit for a silly high if you are even thinking about it you're a fucking dumbass childish boy just as I was.
 
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^=D
When you're really really stoned and have the munchies, worked all day and haven't eaten anything... there is a buffet of lovely stoner treats... would you sit there and stare at the yummiest treats ever, or feast like a stoner would.

Very well put, just thought I'd go off on a tangent... that ^ sums heroin up in two sentences though.
 
Eric & Shroomy I love the conversations you are having. Stay strong guys. I recently lost a close family member to it. Nobody knew he was using but me. He didn't tell me but I didn't have to ask. My fam is still kind of in denial about it, I'm not mad. But it hurts everyday bc I wish I could have done more. He did ultimately commit suicide not OD, but, the death certificate showed what was in his system. It kills me.

I think what you are doing on here is a beautiful thing. I wish my cousin who died had guys like you in his life, maybe things would have been different...

Sending love your way <3 please never give up.
 
^I am sorry to hear that. That is very sad, it reminds me of how my little brother is the only person in my family who knows of my habit and never told anyone even with my life at risk. I feel like it would have fucked him up so bad if I had randomly dropped dead. I am such a fuckin douche bag honestly anyone who is using something so extremely self destructive is really selfish as they are putting their life at risk day after day to avoid suffering that is the fruit of their dumbass highs and inability to deal with life. I was this. I am no longer. So many people die from this stuff, and I think people who are using it are so caught up obsessing over the drug that none of us realize how easily we could have died. I am presently enjoying every breath of fresh air I breathe, since I know that I am here standing against all odds. Snorting heroin for 5 years straight... something horrible should have happened - and shit did go down, but I am not dead, insane, nor in jail.

I have one month of clean time today : ) I can't help but smile. And, I seem to have a hot date tonight with a foxy blonde chick. I do not know how I made this happen. I have been so stoned on good outdoor lately, and high on psychs most of the time that I don't know up from down anymore. All I know is I am loving what my life is turning into, and someone I have gotten this foxyblondechick's attention. I have just been being myself. I don't know wtf I am doing, and my friend needed to remind me to plan the date (she asked me out haha... it's complicated because the two of them chicks from work I feel have been talking to each other, you see), like I have been talking to them both individually. The other chick is sketching my next couple tattoo ideas. Is it ever nice, to spend money on something other than drugs... and to have a kinky sex drive back LOL. LOL serious though you lose that shit on heroin. Male testosterone levels drop to like 25% and I would have called myself asexual back then. Now I am horny as fuck and stoned outta my mind to the point I will get lost going around the block but I guess my enthusiasm is so silly that this lovely foxy chick who appreciates humour has somehow gained interest in me... I think. I mean, I think meeting up at a nice old stone restaurant / pub outside on her with Friday night for dinner and drinks is considered a date? I don't fucking know... I am just going to go high as a kite, be myself and not even know what the hell is going on. We have so much in common and to talk about too about work so it should be really fun. I should remember, to flirt with her a little, especially since I feel like she will be doing that with me, but then I will become entranced by her and I'm not that stupid... I kicked smack and oxy's after all.

Because I do them druuuuuuuugz and I don't give a fuuuuuuuck what you THANK. I got blooooood I got muuuud I got buuuuuud I got DRANK. LOL I don't even know wtf I am saying or doing anymore... I think I am a little special now... maybe something in all that heroin fried my brain. I do not seem to care, as I am happy to be breathing. That is enough for me, as the respiratory depression did not get me and there are so many times that it could have. Especially when I had cambodian china white chipped off a brick, and a low tolerance. I am very grateful to be alive, dying before 30 would have been a damn shame. Shame on me for using that fucking trash!
 
@Unregi, I am also very sorry to hear that. I know it’s difficult, I have lost two friends very close to me and it hurts.

Unfortunately, we cannot force our wishes even to our closest ones. And that can be very frustrating, sad. Don’t let this weaken your plans. Be strong.

Much love to you <3
 
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If the statistics are accurate*
100 of ‘us**’ died today from chemicals that act on the mu-opioid receptors. It’s a depressing time for the user. Friends are dying from the needle or the bullet.

Many addicts find remedy in psychedelics, antipsychotics, religion and meditation. This is a promising pursuit, yet unverifiable.

It’s a slow trend toward healthy that saves lives
 
the path to salvation will differ depending on the addict and the reasons they use. I am lucky, in the sense that I love my life, but have a severe chronic pain injury in my spine. Heroin addiction is so horrific and traumatizing, that I don't even really ever notice the pain anymore. It used to have me screaming and crying and bedridden, unable to work. I just don't give a fuck anymore I am active as hell, heroin was SO much worse than chronic spinal fucking excruciating damn agony that a lot of people could NOT handle a fucking day of, that I have had for 7 years. I didn't need to go to therapy or rehab or anything after snorting the shit for 5 years, and IV'ing it out of sheer desperation a number of times. I kicked cold turkey for a couple weeks before I was able to leave my basement. That is the kind of shit, that will keep you clean. Burning on the fucking stake for 10 days was enough for me.

Then, you need structure in your life! You gotta pick up the shattered pieces of your broken soul. This is what I have done: get a new job that I really like, starting talking to hot chicks everywhere and FINALLY over a month later, I have a little date this lunch time today : ) ... umm, I got into photography, candlelight, my guitar playing I've just been fucking SHREDDING and I came up with an idea for a band, we just need one more member (a hot chick who plays keyboard and synth and can do beats and stuff)... and I have like 5 or 6 serious long term personal business plans for my future. It's all about creating the world around you... you create your own reality, the world is a reflection of how you feel internally and how active you are about wanting to change. Also, it is SO damn nice to be able to spend money on something other than disgusting fuckin heroin. I am getting an industrial ear piercing today... the chick I am hanging out with offered to go with me to get it... super chill of her I'd be way too lazy to otherwise haha. Also, not just take take take anymore, but give back. Help people as much as you can, it feels damn good! Expect nothing in return, make up for what a selfish junkie scum you, myself, and any other heroin user has been and/or still is, if they are not dead or clean.

And it is not enough to just be clean and count the days. I have over a month now but I don't count shit. I could have three years it would make no difference to me. I live for the present moment, I am SO happy I am still alive to breathe the fresh air! To go on this date today. To have worked overnight last night. To shred my guitar, to start learning Chinese, to do a million and one things I never could have done as a junkie. I was such a pussy ass little bitch as a heroin addict, I couldn't even get a hardon LOL and I am normally a kinky horny little fucker like I'm just shy of 30... most emasculating thing ever.

This stuff is SHIT. Whoever is thinking of trying it, like the younger and dumber version of myself, is just a stupid fucking dumbass piece of stupid fucking dumbass shit. Seriously I don't mean to be rude but it is your fucking LIFE, and not only yours! Think of all those who love you, like how my younger bro my damn soul mate, how he would have felt if I had randomly dropped dead on him from railing too large a line of smack cut with THE FUCK KNOWS WHAT.
 
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