(As a health warning, I would read the last sentence first, as the following is quite the waste of time for anyone with anything else to actually do) \/ \/ + /\ /\ = \o/
The best and worst thing that ever happened to me was discovering Benzos... Now, they ironically just make me anxious at the thought of running out, no matter how many I may have
this this this this
As I was a complete drug pig by the age if 16 (although my obsession with electronic music dated pre -dated, going back to 1989, it complemented, primed and encouraged my morbid fascination with drugs) by 18 my use was recklessly excessive, taking huge amounts of ecstasy and amphetamines while out dancing. 7am was always too early and if organised after hours could not be found then I would drag my posse back to wherever the music and drug usage would be tolerated, usually at my flat (which I shared with my partner) and while everybody were more than willing participants, I would be the last to get bored, both from my need of the music and from the anxiety that the resulting hangover would entail.
Although I remained ok as long as I was out and high the weekending, combined with continuous cannabis abuse, saw my head crumble piece by piece until 2001, where the combination of all of this raving, the pressure of my degree (which had a year remaining) and the (possibly irrational?) paranoia of being drafted, blown up or generally armegotted following the 9/11 attacks saw my head to the verge of explosion, when a sympathetic friend (my behaviour while ridiculous was hardly unique in the late 90's / early millennial UK) started to evangelise about the wonders of nitrazepam, presenting me with a strip of 10mg tablets, describing them as the perfect solution for managing stimulant cessation.
As I was by now the most neurotic mess, unable to smoke weed without becoming anxious within minutes (although as a thicko and junky that still did not stop me), my initial test drive occurred on an average week day- I had been to uni, then work, not smoked any cannabis and in general was feeling OK, the standard by now being constantly frightened of having a heart attack or stroke when otherwise unoccupied. Naturally though, as I had decided to try one of the tablets mid evening, knowing that their primary use was as a hypnotic, still virgin as I was to the anxiolytic effects of a GABAergic beyond the short relief occasionally provided by alcohol, which I have never preferred over any other drug.
The rest of the story is pretty self explanatory, notwithstanding the ludicrous and equally unnecessary TL:DR wodj above to get as far as here - chronic anxiety in a drug user that a; does not wish to give up drugs and b; finds another drug that is not only not unpleasant but that provided complete and total relief sort of ends up getting stuck in the middle somewhere here or their but just having access to them when needed (DOC naturally became diazepam as they were the easiest to obtain and the moment - post - post rave session) saw me sort myself out and return to some kind of balance, I still got fucked up but using more sensible amounts of e and whizz (I have never rated cocaine as a dance drug) and ganja.
But it just enabled me to continue using drugs and as the release of tension soon became an attraction in its own, only just behind following dancing and fucking, it only took one Sunday session about 5 years later when my friend, who was living in my spare room (my parter and I had a house by this time) thought it would be just total shits and giggles to go down to the local pub, while I was asleep following a couple of 2mg c-pams, to buy us all a couple of wraps of heroin. We all loved getting high anyway and as I was by now 25 I understood how moronic regular use of the drug could be....
....it only took about 18 months following its incorporation into the rave - weekend party pack when, following a personal tragedy and disaster, I found my doctor sending me off work for 6 months from neurotic illness. Isolated, depressed and fucking loaded I lasted a fortnight before using heroin. I think it was at least 4 months after this that I woke up one morning without and less than an hour to get some through need as much as desire.
That was 13 - 14 years ago and although some years have been better than others I am presently stuck on methadone and still use benzodiazepines multiple times a week (I prefer long acting drugs as there is no need to re - dose but still love them all, although I have never had the pleasure of nimetazepam or flunitrazepam) stopping only to force tolerance breaks.
Sorry for crashing the thread with that rant but I have been smoking crack and get carried away like this a lot.
Still, I managed to get myself badly hooked on them a few years later- that is a whole 'nother story of sorrow and shame . . .