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The Suicide Support Thread

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Thanks Hun. I try so hard but sometimes the physical and psychiatric pain is just too much. As I said got a few blue lighters close to my heart, they help keep me alive for my son when I am at my worst and I am so thankful for them, they know who they are so thanks friends <3

Been disabled since my accident august 2009, and my condition is degenerative, it has now spread into most organ systems which is stressful as a lot of the time I can't eat without it rotting in my stomach then making me violently sick.

My psych diagnoses are as followed Borderline personality disorder, severe PTSD,severe adjustment disorder, panic disorder with agoraphobia and depressive psychosis, all because of the accident. I used to be a semi pro women's cage fighter, I'm also a professional artist and was going to buy a tattoo studio after I'd finished my fine art degree but all of that went to shit, I'm also a musician, vocalist pianist guitarist bassist also a bit of flute and alto sax. I'm currently writing a new album and hopefully starting a new band, my pm dr thinks it will help me psychiatrically.

Anyway thanks for reaching out, can't sleep. Hope you are doing better than I am <3
 
I am also a musician (tenor sax, oboe, piano, classical composer, noisician, jazz theory). I also love to write - I am working on a novel. I also love to read, to do art, I also study psychology, philosophy, pharmacology, and I exceed at these.

I also have horrible agoraphobia and PTSD and I can completely understand what it's like trying to have a positive life outlook with these.

<3
 
PTSD, depression and anxiety.

Alcohol & stimulant mixers are my self medication, this time.

Recently had around a ten day voluntary stay in a mental hospital after a suicide attempt. Realized they were not helping me. Anyone less together and unaware of leading questions may well have ended up sectioned.

Hoping for some miracle to enable me the chance of Ayahuaca healing.

Hey
 
So much pain expressed in this thread. I hope/wish/pray that all of you find your way back to tolerable if not happy existence.

@Abject, I see a person with a soul deeper and wider than the ocean when I read your post. I hope you find something that makes you happy. You got to hang on to this life because (from your words) I can tell you are destined for something great.
 
I honestly have not felt this fucked up in ages. I have so much bullshit going on and my health is fucked and i just can't be fucked with anything. Seems like most of my "friends" all forgot about me which is typical as i actually need them now. I could go eat a fucking gun now and maybe a few people would notice abit but not for long.

Christ how did shit turn out this way :|
 
I would notice paranoid android <3

I am sorry to hear about your health - is there anything I can do?
 
Hey, PA, I'm sorry to hear that you have found yourself in a black hole. Is any of the bullshit that is going on the kind that you can let go of?
 
Most of the bullshit I'm dealing with is sadly the very kind you have to deal with. I wonder if giving up that huge IV dilly habit that i had fucked with my head more then usual. I've been really depressed or mixed state on and off all winter and now i am getting some manic episodes. Sadly one of those manic episodes may have finally lead me to do something real dumb so i got legal bullshit i have to deal with on top of everything fucking else :! . Guess you can only run on luck so long before it runs out.

What's fucking with my head even more then anything is that a person that i have known for years and called a good friend no longer wants fuck all to do with me. That really fucks me off considering i was there for her when even her own parents wanted nothing to do with her. I just don't understand it really. So yeah it's kinda doing my head in. It just seems like most people who i called friends are now fucked off.
 
I think one of the most painful things in the world to go through is the loss (through rejection) of a friend. We all know that lovers are going to come and go because of the complications sex brings into it, but the pain is much deeper when it is a friend.
 
no one talks to her she feels so alone, she feels so alone, she's in to much pain to survive on her own, the hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife, she writes on her arm wants to give up her life.
(from superchick.)
 
herbavore said:
I think one of the most painful things in the world to go through is the loss (through rejection) of a friend. We all know that lovers are going to come and go because of the complications sex brings into it, but the pain is much deeper when it is a friend.
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The thing that really fucks me off about this is the fact that this woman (who is fucking gorgeous and one of the few people who seemed to understand me) wanted me to go live with her and said she loved me before all this shit happened. I feel like i have been cheated in a way though judging by her behaviour as of late it was perhaps for the best. As much as i may have loved her she is a drama and chaos magnet. My last real relationship was 1 big pile of drama and the only thing we really did was get high n shag. Now that might not sound like a bad deal to most but if i love a woman it can't just be about sex. If i wanted a prostitute id hire one. To ruin my ultra masculine rep 8) i like actually cuddling up while watching a movie or whatever or just laying in bed with a woman in my arms. But she was not affectionate in anyway other then just sex. Granted she had a awful childhood so no doubt that had alot to do with it.

This kind of fucked with my head for a few years to say the least so both me and my now former woman friend have had real bad relationships in the past and perhaps it wouldn't have worked out at all. Though id rather have tried and failed then not try at all. Not to mention she has been one of my best friends for the past 3 years through thick and thin. Mostly thin :| . I told her things about me that maybe 1 other person in the whole world knows and i can honestly say that she may very well have saved my life a few times by talking to me for hours on the phone to distract me from wanting to kill myself. I often did the same for her as well which she said the last time i talked to her. I really just don't get it i guess.

This shit was so out of the blue and at a time i needed her the most that it just gutted me. How can you just drop a close friend like that? I have had to say goodbye to friends in the past but it takes a fuck of alot for me to cut someone out of my life altogether. I have forgiven friends who pulled blades on me, gotten into real bloody scraps with me, tried to rip me off, etc because at the end of the day holding a grudge against someone only hurts myself and i know people do fucked up shit that they ordinarily wouldn't do anyway. Life is far to short to go around carrying abunch of hatred. I have been holing up on the outside pretty well as usual but i feel like i could break down at any moment. I just cannot believe that she could just forget about me like that while she is reinventing herself once again. She has serious identity issues no doubt but still fuckin hell i feel like i got played and cheated out of what maybe could have been a awesome relationship and a possible decent life. That is what really hurts :(

Oh by the way thanks CP that means alot to me to know someone actually would give a fuck if i went to the great gig in the sky. Sometimes it just feels like noone would give 2 fucks if i dropped dead tonight. So thanks CP and thanks very much herbavore as well.
 
Hey :-) said:
PTSD, depression and anxiety.

Alcohol & stimulant mixers are my self medication, this time.

Recently had around a ten day voluntary stay in a mental hospital after a suicide attempt. Realized they were not helping me. Anyone less together and unaware of leading questions may well have ended up sectioned.

Hoping for some miracle to enable me the chance of Ayahuaca healing.

Hey
Click to expand...

Ayahuasca can show you the way but you will still have to do the work and go through the motions. Even during the ceremony, you will have to ask questions toward it and work for what you want to discover. Ayahuasca isn't easy. It wasn't for me and it won't be the next time I revisit it either. I started a thread about my experience awhile back - you should check it out.

As far as alcohol and stimulants... sounds like a fun combination for a few days, but def not a permanent solution... I would stay away, but I'm sure you already know that.
 
Abject said:
I feel so bad. It doesn't really matter what words I use - what keys I hit.

My mum makes me feel sooo fucking bad by treating me nicely.
I feel so undeserving, unworthy and inadequate. I feel like nothing, empty and lacking and broken and ruined, just fucked.
I feel so tired, so drained and weak and powerless and disgusted. Overwhelmed, yet underwhelmed.
It's not enough, I need more; It's too much, I can't handle this.

I'm so sensitive and so apathetic. I'm trying my best to hold onto my cares but I just want to disregard them.

I'm conflicted and dissonant and confused and uncertain, and certainty is created.


I think about the pain my death would cause,
then I think about the pain I'm in..
I feel trapped. I hate all this obligation.

I feel like I exist solely to suffer.


I don't want to die I'm just sad and lonely and I don't have it in me anymore..
but I'll find it somewhere.


Every time I pass my limit/reach my end/am completely overwhlemed/fed up, it passes and I end up right back here soon enough.


I'm just so sick of all this hurt.
I feel so fucking trapped, helpless and hopeless and powerless and doomed



I don't even know what I'm doing.


This is undignified. I am indignant. I have no dignity.
Death feels dignified.
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I know how you feel, I've felt this way before, but it sounds serious with you enough to the point of where you should probably seek professional help if you can. You may need to be put on something legit - meds-wise... though I've always hated having to do that myself. But try.
 
I was in the fucking grocery store and a fucking song came on that reminded me of my fucking ex and now i'm suicidal again. I hate this.
 
I am sorry to hear that happened abra. I have a lot of associations to things I don't like to think about either.

Much <3
 
abracadabra girl said:
I was in the fucking grocery store and a fucking song came on that reminded me of my fucking ex and now i'm suicidal again. I hate this.
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I am very sorry that happened cause i know how much it sucks. There are entire albums that i can no longer listen to because they remind me of a certain ex and tend to plunge me into a dark pit of despair. This seems to be quite common actually as i have witnessed it in friends of mine as well. A woman i know couldn't listen to half her fucking record collection because the songs reminded her of her ex. Hell it was only the other day when i was listening to the radio and a Mazzy Star song that reminded me of me ex came on and i damn near broke down crying. So your certainly not alone there that is for sure.

Take care of yourself ok. If i can get through being a suicidal mess then you certainly can as i am nothing special that's for sure :\
 
paranoid android said:
I am very sorry that happened cause i know how much it sucks. There are entire albums that i can no longer listen to because they remind me of a certain ex and tend to plunge me into a dark pit of despair. This seems to be quite common actually as i have witnessed it in friends of mine as well. A woman i know couldn't listen to half her fucking record collection because the songs reminded her of her ex. Hell it was only the other day when i was listening to the radio and a Mazzy Star song that reminded me of me ex came on and i damn near broke down crying. So your certainly not alone there that is for sure.

Take care of yourself ok. If i can get through being a suicidal mess then you certainly can as i am nothing special that's for sure :\
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Thanks, man. Yeah I can barely listen to music at all anymore. At least if a song comes on the radio I can change it but in the grocery store I had to stay and pay for my stuff first!
 
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