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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

TDS Introduce Yourself! Version: Hello! Hola! Bonjour! 你好!

Hi Libbylu! I'm very happy that you are seeking help from all directions. You can definitely change everything that is holding this addiction in place. Your tool kit will be patience, determination, humor, humility, and more than anything else the willingness to cultivate new healthy habits for a strong sense of self worth. We all need that tool kit whether we have addiction issues or not so your efforts will never be wasted. Welcome to the recovery forums and to Bluelight.;)
 
Hello everyone! I'm Ronette. Ive been a BL member for a few years, mostly a lurker, rarely a poster.

I came to BL years before I actually made an account, looking for info, and possible friends, when I moved from a major midwest city, to a very rural country town.
I have been an addict since 1999. I started out on Heroin. I used everyday until around 2003, when I finally gve in and started on a Methadone Maintenance Program. I stayed there for a couple years, then tapered off, and couldnt handle the wd after I was finished, so started right back up on the H again. This led me to another year of using, and then back to the MMP, and then eventually switched, in 2006 to Suboxone maint. I was on that for a year, then ran out and due to circumstances out of my control, started back on the H again. I finally admitted to my partner that I was in full w/d and he helped me through it, getting me clean, but not without harboring a huge resentment towards me for hiding it from him for a year. I was clean, opiate free for about 2 years, with only using occasionally when I went back to the city for a visit here and there. Fast forward to now, I am full blown addict again, and am completely at a loss of what to do for help.

I am here, now, saying hello, and hoping that I can find some advice from you all. I am going to post a thread, explaining my situation and hopefully I can find some guidance.
Thank you all, in advance. Love to you all.
 
welcome ronette!

my heart goes out to you, sometimes recovery is a long path, i hope you can find some more tools from the beautiful community here in order to be free from addiction again. im glad your here and reaching out <3 sometimes help is there but we just need to ask.
 
Age 25, in worst shape I can remember, outside and inside. Somethings gotta give.

(C/P-ed [again] bc i realize this is probably where this post belongs.)

I'm 25 now, been an addict since 15. Started IVing heroin when I was 17. Went to rehab twice last year, in April and June - relapsed within 24 hours after April's 21-day stint, came out in July '14 (after the full 30!) on the vivitrol shot (30 day extended release naloxone) but was shooting up BTH before it even wore off, in anticipation lol.
I'm now on MMT, have been for a couple months, but still have not been able to put together any clean time... yet.

Just this year started experiencing big consequences. Got kicked out of a living situation due to my addiction (my roommate found out I was shooting up) and lost the best job I've ever landed after 6 months (receptionist at an amazing - probably the best - veterinary hospital in the area. Full time, benefits, PTO, the works.) That happened 8 days ago, and I've been on a hard binge ever since, catatonic, not eating, mostly bed ridden and shooting hundreds of dollars a day of coke (cut with meth) and BTH. My arms are shredded, my skeleton is showing through my skin, I am at the end of the road.

I just... wish there was a way to experience that euphoric rush without having to do such bad, shameful things, and endure such earth shattering consequences. I have a hard time envisioning a future in which I patiently work toward goals and achieving happiness (the slow, building kind/whatever that is) after having known that instant spike from a big hit, first try, with, well... a spike. In a way, (I preface it that way because I'm not sure that I'd take it all back if I could) I wish I had never crossed that line, opened that pandoras box. Now, the jig is up, I have to step back over to the world of the living. Sometimes I go to sleep knowing this to be a solid undeniable truth, and then wake up as if that decision had never been made. Or I start my day passively committed, then as soon as I gain some momentum, or even do something like eat a meal, walk the dogs, pay a bill, -take a shit- - literally - my memory of the agony of addiction and determination to move forward is erased, and before I know it, I've withdrawn money that I don't even have and desperately can't afford to toss, and am parked in front of the dealer's house, giddy and impatient.
I must be a fool. Or insane? But no, the latter condition would absolve me of responsibility, and I know damn well what I'm doing. Which makes it worse, really. I'm broken, and will not take the steps towards fixing myself. I need help. I'm not capable of manning this ship any longer.
 
You are neither a fool nor insane, rather, you are inhabited by addiction and IT is foolish and insane. You must stop. Before you lose your home and your dogs. You are very right that you cannot do it alone. What options do you have for detox/treatment? What kind of support could you find? Tell your dealer that you want off the train and delete his number. Find someone that you can get to be with you and help you navigate into some sort of plan. Moments of extreme euphoria, a few hours of peace and calm are not worth the destruction to your self and your life and by what you wrote, I know that you know this. Make a thread in SL and let people know where you are and what you are going through and get some support here. It won't be enough but it will be a good part of the mix.<3
 
Might as well meet and greet now I've begun to get involved in TDS.
Bonjour, Hallo, Gutten Taag and good day. Names psynce of sound, hailing from an especially rainy part of England.
I'm 28 and mentally feel 60 on days, 13 on others. I'm haunted by my past when I'm unable to maintain the barriers and slightly cheery but neutral when I can.
I've used cannabis on and off since 13. Drugs since 18.
I've had problems with alcohol, amphetamine, mephedrone, ethylphenidate. All of which I ended up identifying and ridding myself of.
As an academic type and introvert I self evaluate a lot.
Ive been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, borderline personality disorder, bi polar disorder and looking into ASD.

So yeah there's a bit about me leaving a big hello.
Peace.
 
Hello and welcome.<3 We are perhaps reverse twins in that I am in my 60's but often feel mentally 28 (or 8, depending on the day). Don't let all those diagnoses define you--we are all born with complicated tangles of personality, nature, brain chemistry etc. Throw all that into whatever passes as family and environment and you have a fine meddle of being human to spend the rest of your life figuring out. It's been an adventure for me, once I stopped worrying so much about where exactly I fit into things. I love your user name btw.:)
 
herbavore said:
Hello and welcome.<3 We are perhaps reverse twins in that I am in my 60's but often feel mentally 28 (or 8, depending on the day). Don't let all those diagnoses define you--we are all born with complicated tangles of personality, nature, brain chemistry etc. Throw all that into whatever passes as family and environment and you have a fine meddle of being human to spend the rest of your life figuring out. It's been an adventure for me, once I stopped worrying so much about where exactly I fit into things. I love your user name btw.:)
Click to expand...
Thank you for that I came up with it randomly whilst thinking of music related aliases. I will get back to you on the other thread when I have some clarity to organise my thoughts.
 
HI my name is mandraxx, I've been using that name for so many years now before other ppl starting using it, but anyways - enough self-serving. I've been through the dark side of drugs, by themselves, in addition to losing loved ones (drug and otherwise), losing one's sanity then getting it back, assault, abuse, trauma, insomnia, being pigeonholded by society for being a drug addict, making tons of money on the stock market to losing it all and then being in debt, from being a fuck-it person to becoming serene, straight-up, no philosophies required, asylums - I feel the need to balance this out with: carnival rides, first kisses, being in love, finding someone who truly loves you (besides your parents, but that's another discussion), losing love (which can be beautiful), having someone in my life that made me wake up every day and do something with my life, I mean, actually making something of myself rather than riding in sloth; witnessing miracles, becoming part of them, then having the gall to decide whether those miracles are b.s. or not haha that's a bit of a joke I'm just trying' to lighten up the mood. If anyone wants to talk, message here or PM me. I've been through it all and have survived. Am currently working on a memoir and finally - I've found a publisher! It's about time because I'm on the older side of 30 and want what I always truly wanted - to make something of myself and make everyone proud. Well goodnight everyone and remember - NOTHING is worth driving yourself crazy about. Nothing. Peace,

mandraxx
 
Hi ! I'm New and am on a legal script of 700mg morphine tablets daily. I would like to talk candidly about my meds with others who are happy on maintenance therapy particularly in the UK. This looks like a great site and the emphasis on HR is refreshing ...
 
Hi I'm siennagrl I'm new here I just wanted to say hi and hopefully get some good out of this
 
My name is The Queen Bitch,
Im 19 years old, and I live in Texas, USA!
I just joined BL today! But I've been lurking on this website for awhile now.
I've abused stimulants, specifically methamphetamine for nearly two years.
Currently two weeks sober, which isn't very long I know, but I'm trying to keep it that way.
I was an IV user mostly, and due to terrible practice I now have a lot of circulatory and nerve issues in my arms.
I have to say, the mental effects haven't been pleasant. I suffer from BPD and bipolar already, so my moods swings have been insane crazy. It's been difficult, as my husband is also a user and we tend to enable each other. But we're both working on getting clean. I have to say, I've discovered a passion for cooking! Something I never realized was incredibly fun!
I hope to connect with others on the same journey as I, and I hope I can support others as well.
 
Welcome! It's awesome that you have gotten into cooking. I find it very creative and satisfying, too. Congratulations to both you and your husband on your decision to quit. What other forms of support do you have?
 
Hi guys I used to play in an 80s cover band called Blaze Rocker hence my name Tanner Blaze. (nothing to do with weed lol) Been lurking here on/off for a few years but just recently began posting. I started with pot at 14 and drink at 18, pills at 21. than I visited my sister in colorado who is a holistic physician. She put me on a clense diet for depression and I was clean for 2 years. Went to a buddies house one night and watched Robocop (1987 version) and like an idiot decieded I wanted to recreat the coke and hookers scene and became addicted at teh age of 25. 18 months later moved onto smoking crystal. Finally got clean about six years ago, but occasionally use pain pills for my back.
 
Hey, Tanner, welcome. Bluelight is an interesting community in that you really get a much broader and more realistic understanding of how differently people's relationships with drugs develop and morph over long periods of time. It's been educational for me (and continues to be every time I log on). Do you find sobriety difficult or is it easy at this point?
 
I'd definitely be interested hearing your recovery story, Tanner. Welcome to bluelight! Congrats on sobriety, I hope you share your stories. Thank you, Herbavore. Cooking has been the one thing I've missed incredibly. As of right now, no. We don't go to any meetings, as we both still aren't too keen on physically speaking to people about this. Other than that, no one knows. I guess we prefer it like that, I can't stand the stigma of drug abuse. It's very hard to talk about, and we both feel as though people would look down on us. So as of right now, we just kind of manage. It's becoming very difficult.
 
I feel like it is so important to end the stigma of drug use, abuse and addiction. I understand that it is easier for me as the family member of people that have dealt with addiction than for an addicted person--that one degree of separation, I guess. But there is definitely stigma for families, too (must be bad parents, dysfunctional family etc). I am a believer in what AA has top say about addiction being a family construct (still not sure I like the word disease). I tend to talk about it all the time especially in situations where I hear the same old fear based ignorance spouted. I also believe that shame holds people in addiction and that cleansing yourself of your own harsh judgments is the true meaning of "getting clean". Keep supporting each other and good luck. What you are doing is very admirable and not only should you not feel bad about your position, you should feel proud of the strength you are showing to change it.
 
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