hazmatz
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 26, 2013
- Messages
- 134
I am not writing this memoir to shed a bad light on MDMA; as a matter of fact, I believe that, when used responsibly, MDMA can bring out the best in most people. I just feel the need to write my personal account of my use of this drug to let others know that it is not something to be used foolishly.
Feburary 2012. It was the first time I had ever rolled. To be specific, it was at a rave on the weekend of my birthday. It was kind of an impulsive decision - at the time I was by no means an experienced drug user. As a matter of fact, I had only smoked pot a few times before then. The opportunity had just shown itself to my friends and I and we decided we had nothing to lose, we were all pretty depressed kids.
As you would expect, it was the best time of my life. It taught me how to be less of an egotistical narcissist and instead showed me the beauty of the world around us and how to be empathetic, something I was incapable of feeling at the time. E had changed my life in that one night. Every single day for months after that night, I was committed to becoming the best person I could become. I became very nice, tried harder to get myself to become more social, and most importantly became more forgiving of myself and others.
Of course, I looked forward to my next roll. It's all I could really think about. It really occupied all of the space in my mind - I just really wanted to get out and roll again. But I knew it was stupid not to space out my rolls...so I made a pact with my friends. We vowed to never roll more than once every other month. And we kept our promise for a long time. The next time I rolled was August of that year, 6 months later. It was the best roll I had ever had.
We kept rolling every few months and noticed no side effects at all. We made a ton of friends and became more social people in general. My life was really starting to have purpose. My previous depression seemed to just fade away. I was no longer a helpless kid. MDMA taught me everything I needed to know about blooming as a person.
We would experiment with other drugs in the mean time as we waited in anticipation for our next rolls...we'd touch upon RC's and synthetic stuff but only a few times. We weren't big on that. Our DOC would always be molly.
Up until June of this year. I decided to take three mints in one night at a rave. It messed me up, I was not the same for a few weeks afterwards. I felt very anxious all the time, my thought process was very foggy and distorted. And to make things worse, I went to a music festival with some other friends (not the ones I had made the pact with) All I could think about is how excited I was to roll. It was a 4 day campout festival and I made the irresponsible decision of rolling every single one of those days. I'd say I dropped over a gram in the course of those 4 days. So in the month of June, I had rolled about six times. All with pretty strong doses. (250mg's)
I came back from that festival a changed man; in some good ways, but mostly bad. It's been two months since then. I am an still emotional wreck. I have emotional breakdowns every few weeks. I am extremely stressed and always anxious. I lost all of my social skills. Worst of all, my short term memory is completely shot. I am what some people would call 'e-tarded'. What used to be my favorite hobbies are now tasks that I am incapable of completing...I can no longer play musical instruments because I am unable to remember the notes I just played a few minutes ago. I make really stupid mistakes at works sometimes and I am just very absent minded in general.
I suffer from cognitive distortion. I don't know what to make of the things around me. People confuse me, everyone has strange hidden agendas. I am not a misanthropist because I do not believe that all humans are out to cause destruction to the world, but I have a hard time understanding people and their beliefs. I've developed a compulsive attitude towards things. I am so lazy. I ignore the people that are most important to me. And this all happened to me in the course of one month. The thought of suicide has passed my mind a few times...nothing serious but it's unusual for me.
I never used to be like this. In 2011 I was a straight edge kid (albeit a somewhat pessimistic one) that was out to conquer the world. I was very ambitious, even if I felt an unexplainable disdain towards most people. I was a bit anti-social but at least I had my priorities straight. Back then my girlfriend meant the world to me. I wish I still felt that way. I'd do anything to erase the month of June from my life.
I've rolled one time since then. Pure MDMA. It made me feel sick and made my chest feel very tight. The magic is long gone for me.
I fucked up. Even though I promised myself I wouldn't. Moral of the story is - MDMA is addictive. Not physically, but psychologically, and I think most people could agree with that. I was just like everyone else; "I'm too smart to get addicted." I feel hopeless. I write this post with such pain in my heart and tears swelling up in my eyes. I regret being such an idiot...MDMA is a beautiful substance but I ruined it.
I am on my path to recovery, however. It will be a long one. I'm very thankful that my girlfriend has been with me through all this time to help & support me. I am trying to start eating healthier and getting more to sleep. I am going to avoid all drugs [althought this is going to be difficult, all of my friends are drug users that will tempt me with things] and everything that isn't natural. I will do this without seeing a GP. It is all in my head, and the only way to cure this is by living life one day at a time. I have many things to fix. I have put my family through so much pain. My little sister used to look up to me, and even though we are still close, I'm sure she just sees me as a burnout druggie now. My mom is disappointed with who I've become. My big brother thinks I'm a hopeless punk with no future. My grandma died in 2003 and if there is an afterlife and she can see me now, I fear that she is sickened and no longer loves me. I hope I can change that...
Any input or feedback/advice about my story is greatly appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Feburary 2012. It was the first time I had ever rolled. To be specific, it was at a rave on the weekend of my birthday. It was kind of an impulsive decision - at the time I was by no means an experienced drug user. As a matter of fact, I had only smoked pot a few times before then. The opportunity had just shown itself to my friends and I and we decided we had nothing to lose, we were all pretty depressed kids.
As you would expect, it was the best time of my life. It taught me how to be less of an egotistical narcissist and instead showed me the beauty of the world around us and how to be empathetic, something I was incapable of feeling at the time. E had changed my life in that one night. Every single day for months after that night, I was committed to becoming the best person I could become. I became very nice, tried harder to get myself to become more social, and most importantly became more forgiving of myself and others.
Of course, I looked forward to my next roll. It's all I could really think about. It really occupied all of the space in my mind - I just really wanted to get out and roll again. But I knew it was stupid not to space out my rolls...so I made a pact with my friends. We vowed to never roll more than once every other month. And we kept our promise for a long time. The next time I rolled was August of that year, 6 months later. It was the best roll I had ever had.
We kept rolling every few months and noticed no side effects at all. We made a ton of friends and became more social people in general. My life was really starting to have purpose. My previous depression seemed to just fade away. I was no longer a helpless kid. MDMA taught me everything I needed to know about blooming as a person.
We would experiment with other drugs in the mean time as we waited in anticipation for our next rolls...we'd touch upon RC's and synthetic stuff but only a few times. We weren't big on that. Our DOC would always be molly.
Up until June of this year. I decided to take three mints in one night at a rave. It messed me up, I was not the same for a few weeks afterwards. I felt very anxious all the time, my thought process was very foggy and distorted. And to make things worse, I went to a music festival with some other friends (not the ones I had made the pact with) All I could think about is how excited I was to roll. It was a 4 day campout festival and I made the irresponsible decision of rolling every single one of those days. I'd say I dropped over a gram in the course of those 4 days. So in the month of June, I had rolled about six times. All with pretty strong doses. (250mg's)
I came back from that festival a changed man; in some good ways, but mostly bad. It's been two months since then. I am an still emotional wreck. I have emotional breakdowns every few weeks. I am extremely stressed and always anxious. I lost all of my social skills. Worst of all, my short term memory is completely shot. I am what some people would call 'e-tarded'. What used to be my favorite hobbies are now tasks that I am incapable of completing...I can no longer play musical instruments because I am unable to remember the notes I just played a few minutes ago. I make really stupid mistakes at works sometimes and I am just very absent minded in general.
I suffer from cognitive distortion. I don't know what to make of the things around me. People confuse me, everyone has strange hidden agendas. I am not a misanthropist because I do not believe that all humans are out to cause destruction to the world, but I have a hard time understanding people and their beliefs. I've developed a compulsive attitude towards things. I am so lazy. I ignore the people that are most important to me. And this all happened to me in the course of one month. The thought of suicide has passed my mind a few times...nothing serious but it's unusual for me.
I never used to be like this. In 2011 I was a straight edge kid (albeit a somewhat pessimistic one) that was out to conquer the world. I was very ambitious, even if I felt an unexplainable disdain towards most people. I was a bit anti-social but at least I had my priorities straight. Back then my girlfriend meant the world to me. I wish I still felt that way. I'd do anything to erase the month of June from my life.
I've rolled one time since then. Pure MDMA. It made me feel sick and made my chest feel very tight. The magic is long gone for me.
I fucked up. Even though I promised myself I wouldn't. Moral of the story is - MDMA is addictive. Not physically, but psychologically, and I think most people could agree with that. I was just like everyone else; "I'm too smart to get addicted." I feel hopeless. I write this post with such pain in my heart and tears swelling up in my eyes. I regret being such an idiot...MDMA is a beautiful substance but I ruined it.
I am on my path to recovery, however. It will be a long one. I'm very thankful that my girlfriend has been with me through all this time to help & support me. I am trying to start eating healthier and getting more to sleep. I am going to avoid all drugs [althought this is going to be difficult, all of my friends are drug users that will tempt me with things] and everything that isn't natural. I will do this without seeing a GP. It is all in my head, and the only way to cure this is by living life one day at a time. I have many things to fix. I have put my family through so much pain. My little sister used to look up to me, and even though we are still close, I'm sure she just sees me as a burnout druggie now. My mom is disappointed with who I've become. My big brother thinks I'm a hopeless punk with no future. My grandma died in 2003 and if there is an afterlife and she can see me now, I fear that she is sickened and no longer loves me. I hope I can change that...
Any input or feedback/advice about my story is greatly appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
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