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my father is marrying someone younger than me... would YOU go the the wedding?

Just go. There's a good chance the marriage will fail anyway - understand that your Dad is probably going through a mid-life crisis and needs the support of a sane family member. There are other times to express your dissatisfaction with your father's relationship, but the day of the wedding is not one of them. He's an adult and he's made his decision; help him understand your concerns, but don't be pushy and dramatic about it because that won't help (and will probably further fuck-up your relationship with him).
 
All men have the right to be fools in love, who cares how old she is? Support your dad!
 
do what suits you

if you go to the wedding your mum will get over it.

asking you to be bridesmaid is cheeky but whatever

if you want to go then do it

it might be the more diplomatic thing to do
 
I think it sounds like you've made up your mind, and that's good.

My parents divorced when I was very young, so I've had lots of practice separating my relationship with my mum from my relationship with my dad. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your father, and that while you disagree with his actions you are not being judgmental. That's really mature of you and a solid foundation to having a good future relationship, no matter what happens with his marriage.

Then you need to think about your relationship with his future wife; let's hypothesise they do stay together forever. Then what? It's fair enough not to be a bridesmaid, but I believe she meant well by asking. She's reaching out to you, and since you're going to be stuck with her in your family you might as well get to know her. She might be a nice person; and making your boundaries clear (e.g. not allowing for the term "stepmum" to be used, not being a bridesmaid) is really important.

I think the most tricky part, as you said, is your relationship with your mum. Now, I can see how this is absolutely devastating for her, shattering for her self esteem and hugely upsetting. I can see why she'd feel betrayed. But she's been betrayed by him, not you. You have a right to have a (now separate) adult relationship with both of them and she will have to learn to respect this. You know, some women who haven't had a career or carved an identity for themselves apart from spouse and mother see their children as an extension of themselves. She might expect you to identify fully with her pain, to be her only support system, to "take her side". You can't take this on - you have your own life to live. In a sense, maybe this is a good way to make these things clear and perhaps give her the incentive to reach out for friends and family, because it sounds like she's leaning on you emotionally 100% at the moment and that's very tough - make sure you look after yourself as well, it's easy to get so lost in doing everything right by everyone you forget to look after your own needs. Hugs x
 
Not only would I go, I would give him a massive high five and buy him a few bottles of champers to kick off the celebrations then ask him to put in a good word for me with her younger sisters.
 
Oh wow, talk about an awkward position to be in...
I think you're making the right choice in deciding to go. Yeah it's weird and uncomfortable, but he is your dad and you shouldn't be asked to take sides in this divorce, which sounds like what would happen if you decided not to go just because your mother said that. Don't do to support this woman, just go because you love your father and for all intents and purposes, he loves her. That's really all that matters I think. You might really regret it if you don't go.
Anyway I hope it goes well, good luck with everything!

And regarding your mother, plenty of hot men in Paris at least ;)
 
I think you should go to the wedding.

Just one point: leaving someone after 30 years isn't that great, and I'm sure it wasn't easy for your dad to do. But just because someone is with someone for 30 years that doesn't mean they must stay with them. If your dad was completely miserable in the marriage you should not begrudge him for leaving.

I think you should be happy for your dad and support his choices. You don't know the full story. Maybe his marriage was absolutely terrible for him and he did the right thing by ending it -- you have to at least admit there is a chance this could be the case.

I don't know how a 63 wins over a 23 year old but I guess that's another thread (that I'd love to read and take notes on).
 
the 23 year old doesn't know what she wants...

This 63 year old is just setting himself up for failure.
 
I think you should go. It would be best for your relationship with your father. I dont think anyone expects this woman to be a mother figure to you. Shes just your fathers wife. But you only have one father and he wants you to be there. Its not up to your mum to decide what your father should do with his life. As far as the woman asking you to be a bridesmaid, it seems she just wants you to feel welcome. I would just go and wish them well.
 
If all things were the same besides the new wife's age, how would you react? Just go with that, whether that answer be to attend the wedding, disown him, or what have you. I get it that this creeps you out (I'd be very bothered myself), but being as you're on a drug-related website, you ought to appreciate the value of folks not judging you for personal affairs.

I don't know how a 63 wins over a 23 year old but I guess that's another thread (that I'd love to read and take notes on).
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One or both of them has serious issues. Reminds me of Yusanari Kawabata's novel The Lake.
 
Mel22 said:
Don't listen to anyone else. What do YOU want to do?

Either way, someone will be upset. Eventually, they will get over it. If you want to be there for your father, then be there. If you don't, then don't. If your mother wasn't in the picture, what would you do?

Your mother is understandably upset, but she should not be telling you what decision to make here. Your dad didn't divorce you - he divorced her. This is between them. It may be that your mother wants to hurt your father by having you not attend - don't allow yourself to become a pawn in these games.

If you do attend, maybe treat your mother to a day at a spa or a weekend away afterwards with you to lift her spirits.

It's a shitty situation, but as I said - someone will be upset either way, and it's likely that you'll have some guilt. This will pass, so don't let that dictate what you do now. If you were looking back at this 10 years down the line, what would you want to have done?
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Awesome answer! That's right whatever you choose someone is going to be upset.. Be honest with your feelings and whoever you choose don't regret it.. Goodluck :)
 
Yeah, who cares that he cheated on my mom and didn't even have the decency to ends thing with her before proposing to another woman. I'll def give him a high five.

Thanks for your advice Lola. I agree that making my boundaries clear with her is important-- I don't think she meant anything bad asking me to be a bridesmaid, I think she really just wants me to like her. And to her credit, I don't feel like she's just totally using my dad--- she isn't going around spending all his money and she is taking good care of him, it just creeps me out that we're the same age, and look exactly alike, and I hold her partly responsible-- she knew my dad was married when they were seeing each other, and she knew he was still married when he proposed to her. He lied to me about the timing surrounding that-- she slipped up and was going on about how sweet it was that he proposed to her while they were in Italy and I figured it out. I would never be with a married man and I just can't understand a woman that would, but whatever, it's not like I'm perfect, I've made some bad choices when it comes to men as well!

She could be a lot worse. Like I said, my biggest worry is just that she's going to take control of him and cut him off from me-- my friends dad married a woman around her age and that's what she did. I can deal with her, but I don't want to lose my dad. I really just want him to be happy, and even though I don't approve of the way they got together, I feel like I'm not a kid anymore, it's not about making me happy, it's about him being happy. I can deal with this woman, and overtime I might even be able to become friends with her, but it's really going to creep me out if she decides we're going to be stepmommy/stepdaughter.

My mom is doing better the last couple days. We had a long conversation in which I told her that if dad can marry a 23 year old, she can at least date one, and that seemed to enlighten her. I've gotten her to go out to lunch and dinner with some of her friends, and she's been hit on a few times (my mom is a hottie) so she's riding that high right now. :)

And to whoever said their marriage might have been terrible, it definitely wasn't good, and I know that, I'm not angry at him for divorcing my mother, I think that's the best thing that could have happened. There just would have been a better way to do it.
 
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maybe its cuz I'm a Guy but I see things a bit differently than the female posters.
my dad is my role model and the only family member I truly love. if he decided to divorce my mother (I hope to God he does) and marry some chick my age (I'm 22), and gets prenup done, I would high five the man forreal. his happiness means more to me than my approval of his relationships. he's seen me bring home some rather questionable women and he just wants to see me happy so I repay that respect to him. but idk, maybe I'm trying to live out some strange "banging my step mom" fantasy I had when I watched porn a lot...
 
^I don't think that has anything to do with the fact that you're a guy, simply with the fact that you clearly care more about your father than you do your mother.

It's considerably more difficult if you don't want to hurt either, as is clearly the OP's case.
 
mrs_mia_wallace said:
Yeah, who cares that he cheated on my mom and didn't even have the decency to ends thing with her before proposing to another woman. I'll def give him a high five.

Thanks for your advice Lola. I agree that making my boundaries clear with her is important-- I don't think she meant anything bad asking me to be a bridesmaid, I think she really just wants me to like her. And to her credit, I don't feel like she's just totally using my dad--- she isn't going around spending all his money and she is taking good care of him, it just creeps me out that we're the same age, and look exactly alike, and I hold her partly responsible-- she knew my dad was married when they were seeing each other, and she knew he was still married when he proposed to her. He lied to me about the timing surrounding that-- she slipped up and was going on about how sweet it was that he proposed to her while they were in Italy and I figured it out. I would never be with a married man and I just can't understand a woman that would, but whatever, it's not like I'm perfect, I've made some bad choices when it comes to men as well!

She could be a lot worse. Like I said, my biggest worry is just that she's going to take control of him and cut him off from me-- my friends dad married a woman around her age and that's what she did. I can deal with her, but I don't want to lose my dad. I really just want him to be happy, and even though I don't approve of the way they got together, I feel like I'm not a kid anymore, it's not about making me happy, it's about him being happy. I can deal with this woman, and overtime I might even be able to become friends with her, but it's really going to creep me out if she decides we're going to be stepmommy/stepdaughter.

My mom is doing better the last couple days. We had a long conversation in which I told her that if dad can marry a 23 year old, she can at least date one, and that seemed to enlighten her. I've gotten her to go out to lunch and dinner with some of her friends, and she's been hit on a few times (my mom is a hottie) so she's riding that high right now. :)

And to whoever said their marriage might have been terrible, it definitely wasn't good, and I know that, I'm not angry at him for divorcing my mother, I think that's the best thing that could have happened. There just would have been a better way to do it.
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I don't understand why people cheat on their spouses and then expect those of us who do not to be happy that they have found what they perceive to be happiness. If a couple or prospective couple fall in love, what is the problem with waiting until the divorce is finalized?

I'm glad your Mom is getting back her confidence and moving on with her life. Being with friends and socializing does so much to build a person's confidence, no matter what they are facing. I hope your Mom continues to adjust effectively and meets someone with whom she is compatible. It's summertime, perhaps a visit to Provence while the flowers are blooming will renew her soul. <3

As for the woman who is marrying your father? Perhaps she is a nice woman who has fallen in love with an older man. I don't know, or need to know, your family's net worth. I do know that if a man my father's age proposed to me - even in Italy - while he was still married - I'd have the sense to run like hell. An age difference bothers me less than infidelity does.

Your father lied to you and to your mother, their divorce is not yet final. Can your father and his 40 years younger love wait until the divorce is finalized? This is not an auspicious or an honest beginning to a marriage. I would not attend or pretend to be happy.
 
Its her father's choice, but its one that affects the entire family. Honestly, I don't think I'd go to the wedding.. and I think he would (or SHOULD!) understand why.
 
omen_owen mk2 said:
Not only would I go, I would give him a massive high five and buy him a few bottles of champers to kick off the celebrations then ask him to put in a good word for me with her younger sisters.
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hahahaha awesome! lols
 
Mariposa said:
I don't understand why people cheat on their spouses and then expect those of us who do not to be happy that they have found what they perceive to be happiness. If a couple or prospective couple fall in love, what is the problem with waiting until the divorce is finalized?
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Thank you...

Well, they're officially divorced now-- their divorce was finalized six months ago. She was a tempo at my fathers company and they started sleeping together after she had been working there a month. They had their affair for about three months, and then went on a trip to Italy together (at the time my father said he had to go on business) where my father proposed to her. Then a month and a half later he told my mom he wanted a divorce, and pretty much agreed to every one of her terms so he could divorce her as quickly as possible and marry this woman. Four and half months to throw away 30 years of marriage... baffles me.

And I agree, Provence during the summer would lift her spirits :) I'm trying to convince her to go to France during their wedding weekend, I feel like that would be the best thing for her, not being in LA on her own. I've decided that I am going to go to the wedding, and I don't know how to tell her... she's been so much happier the last couple days, I don't want to ruin that by dropping the bomb on her, so I'm waiting for the right moment... I just want her to be happy and bounce back from this. She's such a beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent woman, she deserves to meet a man (who will treat her with respect) and fall in love.

And Serotonin 101, you don't have to be a woman to believe in the sanctity of marriage. The next spouse of yours that cheats on you and leaves you for someone else? We'll see how the idea of people high five-ing her makes you feel.
 
I had a fiance leave me for a best friend does that count? I'm not bummed by it really. the second woman I fell in love with left me as well. maybe I'm just able to let go and forgive? NA has taught me forgiveness so I don't really hold resentments towards people. its like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. resentments only hurt those who carry them. just gotta let people be where they are, and always remember "expectations are resentments waiting to happen".

I understand you probably feel betrayal on behalf of his behavior and what not, but its one of those things that regardless of how you feel about the situation he's going to proceed with what he wants. why make things harder when you can begin attempting to accept things the way they are instead of fighting against it per se. we all do shit we're not proud of and cause wreckage in our lives, but you can't live a full life holding on to the past.

and this is coming from a Guy who has "hatred is strength" tattooed on him. so trust me, I know anger, hatred, displeasure, resenting, and all those other emotions that are deemed negative by society.
 
I think you made the right decision. Being graceful and generous with other people is always a smart move.

It is so hard for us to see our parents as people, but really your father is an adult and at this point you are an adult. I do not personally agree with what he did, but hell, I make mistakes all the time, sometimes big ones, and I appreciate the fact that my family stands by me. I do the same for them.

Going to the wedding does not mean that you condone what your dad did. It just means that you have enough generosity of spirit and grace to see him as a person who makes mistakes but is still your dad, and therefore you are showing him that you love him no matter what. A good move on your part.
 
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