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    my father is marrying someone younger than me... would YOU go the the wedding? 
    #1
    Bluelighter mrs_mia_wallace's Avatar
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    After almost thirty years of marriage, my father divorced my mother a year ago (divorce was officially finalized six months ago) because he fell in love with this total ditz of a woman who was working as a model/secretary/barista/whatever.

    I'm not a fan of her, but she could honestly probably be the nicest, most insightful woman on the planet and I would still hate the bitch. I am 25 years old (she's 23) and it just gives me the creeps.

    My parents had a lot of problems for a long time, and my mother is a very difficult woman to be around, so I don't fault my father for the divorce... I mean, the amount of times I've come home to find a) my mother or my father passed out drunk b)my father has been living in a hotel for weeks or my mother has left the country to return to Paris or c)had to answer the door for the wonderful SFPD because our neighbors called the police I don't even know, and there is still so much that went on between them that they haven't and never will share, that, honestly, it's probably the best thing that could have happened-- but it's the way in which he decided to go about it that disgusts me. He cheated on my mother for months, proposed to this woman, and then told my mom he wanted a divorce. He's so in love with this woman (or something) that he gave my mom everything she wanted so they could get divorced super fast and run down the aisle. But my mom is still very angry... she feels betrayed, humiliated, etc. She left San Francisco for Los Angeles and I've been down here to help her get settled.

    My future stepmother asked me to be one of her bridesmaids in the wedding and I respectfully declined (to her credit she really is trying to build a relationship with me, but step mother?? she's YOUNGER THAN ME!), but I feel like I should go, because it really is important to my dad, and as much of a bastard as he can be, he is my dad and I do love him and he has been through a lot of shit with me over the years. But my mother is going to feel so betrayed if I go (she has made this clear) that I don't know what to do. I don't know if it's a case of me figuring out how to deal with her, or if I really am betraying her and out of loyalty to her I shouldn't go, and I don't want to anyway. The whole thing has been really upsetting and came so out of left-field (I knew they were miserable I just never thought they'd get a divorce) and finding out my dad cheated on my mom was WAY more upsetting than I would have thought it would be-- I mean I could barely look at him for weeks-- anyway I'm rambling, just want some opinions.
    Last edited by mrs_mia_wallace; 10-05-2013 at 07:26.
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    #2
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    any man with an opportunity to be with a woman half his age is obligated to do so by all standards of love
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    #3
    Bluelighter mrs_mia_wallace's Avatar
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    Half his age? My father is 65, she's almost a third of his age (and this will be his 3rd marriage).
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    #4
    Bluelighter Pretty_Diamonds's Avatar
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    You should go to support your father. You don't need to go for her or to respect her.. but you should for your father. He would like you there.
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    #5
    ^ This..

    This is your fathers life and your fathers choice..

    Let the man be happy in his old age
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    #6
    Bluelighter MikeOekiM's Avatar
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    idk but i'd be able to understand why you wouldn't go.
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    #7
    ^Selfishness?
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    #8
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    Sorry you got put in this uncomfortable position Mia. When is the wedding? Asking you to stand up as a bridesmaid to me is asking a bit much. My parents were divorced twice as well. My dad got married the third time and didn't tell us (they lived in Michigan) You know how we found out? He brought the woman to my sister's funeral and said "This is my new wife" so nonchalantly. Then proceeded to tell us it was a small ceremony with just their group of friends.

    My whole family was there and we were just dumbfounded, grief-stricken having to fly to Virginia (including my first step-mom and stepsisters) where my sister lived. This woman was a few years older than my dad and don't know what he saw in her. But he was pretty wealthy so she latched onto him quickly. She had the sense to say at the hotel during the funeral and burial. A scene I will never forget. Sitting in between my parents and we're all just crying our eyes out at the 21-gun salute and when they handed the flag to her husband.

    I will end my rant and really think he was one of those people who just couldn't be alone. Sorry to get off topic. At least your dad invited you but it must be hard being torn between respecting your mother's wishes and wanting to please him. It's a very personal decision. Have you talked to other family members who may be more objective? Or friends to get their take on it? You need more time to think this over, and I wouldn't blame you for not attending the way he dirted your mother like that. Another thing to help is to try and get her into a support group or counseling. She must be devastated and I sense you are too. If you need to talk, message me anytime.
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    #9
    And your mum has no business laying a guilt trip on you.. that's low.
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    #10
    Bluelighter mrs_mia_wallace's Avatar
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    ^My mother is very upset and she has a right to be, I don't blame here in any way for that. 30 years of marriage? You have to understand too that my mother is a woman who NEVER accomplished anything in her life besides being a trophy wife. She was a "model" when my dad met her but she quit pretty early on to marry him. If she had something else in her life that she could be proud of, like a career, I don't think she would be as devastated. But she doesn't have anything else, and she feels like she just got told "you're old, you're ugly, I have no use for you any longer" and to say that to someone who's entire identity revolves around their physical appearance... you could not say anything more psychologically damaging (of course my father never said that, but that's what she heard). Besides being a trophy wife, I guess her other accomplishment is being a mother, so I understand her holding on pretty tight.

    Quote Originally Posted by T. Calderone View Post
    Sorry you got put in this uncomfortable position Mia. When is the wedding? Asking you to stand up as a bridesmaid to me is asking a bit much. My parents were divorced twice as well. My dad got married the third time and didn't tell us (they lived in Michigan) You know how we found out? He brought the woman to my sister's funeral and said "This is my new wife" so nonchalantly. Then proceeded to tell us it was a small ceremony with just their group of friends.

    My whole family was there and we were just dumbfounded, grief-stricken having to fly to Virginia (including my first step-mom and stepsisters) where my sister lived. This woman was a few years older than my dad and don't know what he saw in her. But he was pretty wealthy so she latched onto him quickly. She had the sense to say at the hotel during the funeral and burial. A scene I will never forget. Sitting in between my parents and we're all just crying our eyes out at the 21-gun salute and when they handed the flag to her husband.

    I will end my rant and really think he was one of those people who just couldn't be alone. Sorry to get off topic. At least your dad invited you but it must be hard being torn between respecting your mother's wishes and wanting to please him. It's a very personal decision. Have you talked to other family members who may be more objective? Or friends to get their take on it? You need more time to think this over, and I wouldn't blame you for not attending the way he dirted your mother like that. Another thing to help is to try and get her into a support group or counseling. She must be devastated and I sense you are too. If you need to talk, message me anytime.
    Wow, what a way to announce a marriage... I don't even know what I would do in that situation. Were you upset that he didn't invite you to the wedding? I think a lot of men are like that in old age, unfortunately... my grandfather has been married four times and he's never waited more than four months in-between them. But I'm sorry to hear that, it must have been difficult.

    I have an older half-brother but he's a crazy ass junkie who is totally off the rails, I haven't seen or heard from him in two years, I don't think my father would even know where to send the invitation for the wedding if he wanted him there. My dad is from the UK so I've never really been close to my non-immediate family, they're just so far away I never really saw them growing up, and of course everyone on my mom's side thinks my dad's a bastard. Everyone I know is so totally divided on the issue I either get, go, support your dad, you'll regret it later on, or no, you have to think of your mother, the wedding isn't that important, they don't need you there, she needs you. Even my friends either love my dad or hate him and the same for my mom so no one objective, unfortunately. If she wasn't twenty-three years old and he hadn't cheated on my mom with her, I would absolutely take the attitude that he's worked hard his whole life and he should enjoy his last years... but that isn't the situation.

    I've tried to get my mom into counseling but she refuses to go, she just does the same thing everyday-- shops and shops and cooks and cooks and cooks and cooks while watching television. Our house is like a bakery. It's SO DEPRESSING. The wedding is in July... they planned it so quickly I feel like I can't actually believe it's going to happen. I have to admit I am looking forward to the idea of going back to SF, I miss it so much, not a fan of LA. I really don't understand her decision to be out here, we don't know very many people-- it's pretty lonely, and I don't understand why she wouldn't want to be with her friends in a time of need.
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    #11
    Bluelighter Mel22's Avatar
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    Don't listen to anyone else. What do YOU want to do?

    Either way, someone will be upset. Eventually, they will get over it. If you want to be there for your father, then be there. If you don't, then don't. If your mother wasn't in the picture, what would you do?

    Your mother is understandably upset, but she should not be telling you what decision to make here. Your dad didn't divorce you - he divorced her. This is between them. It may be that your mother wants to hurt your father by having you not attend - don't allow yourself to become a pawn in these games.

    If you do attend, maybe treat your mother to a day at a spa or a weekend away afterwards with you to lift her spirits.

    It's a shitty situation, but as I said - someone will be upset either way, and it's likely that you'll have some guilt. This will pass, so don't let that dictate what you do now. If you were looking back at this 10 years down the line, what would you want to have done?
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    #12
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    I was honestly not very close to my real dad. He left us when we were small for wife number 2. It didn't hurt so bad that he didn't invite us, more that he never bothered to tell us about it. He passed away in 2008 and mom just last year. I was and still am close to my stepdad (mother's second husband) because he raised us as his own. Without his help, I could have ended up homeless after my divorce in 1999.

    Maybe your mother needed a change of scenery. Being that long in San Francisco with all those reminders of places and people was too hard for her. Can't say I blame her for that. So she's out there in L.A. all alone? Damn what an adjustment. But at least she can live fairly comfortably albeit lonesome. If you don't feel comfortable going to the wedding then don't. You have to follow your instincts, if it means hurting him, he'll get over it. Seems to me asking you to be bridesmaid takes balls and wanted to maybe validate the situation and look good for his friends. Ignoring the fact your mother is crushed and it's hurting you as well putting you in the middle.
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    #13
    Bluelight Crew Kenickie's Avatar
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    wow i'm sorry mia. my friend had to go through a similar situation (her dad married someone her age and told her this for the first time after they had married already and i was moving in as her roommate! we just stared at them) and it was terrible. i wouldn't do anything you're not comfortable with. if you feel obligated to do something but can't stand going - send a card.
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    #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pretty_Diamonds View Post
    You should go to support your father. You don't need to go for her or to respect her.. but you should for your father. He would like you there.
    Great answer. If you're dad's happy, be happy for him. Just encourage him to get a prenuptial agreement to give you more than her cuz you're his daughter
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    #15
    Bluelight Crew Mariposa's Avatar
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    I would not go. If the officiant asked if anyone present knew of any reason why this couple should not be married, I would not be able to hold back. By way of background, I am the only daughter of a divorced father who raised me. My mother died when I was in high school, well after my parents' divorce. My father has not remarried. The women he has dated since my parents split up have been very few, all were long-term relationships, and all around his age. Two of them became obsessive stalkers, but that's another story.

    If my father married a 23 year old, I would go ballistic if I were to attend the wedding. My father is my only parent and my best friend. I would welcome a stepmother into our family, provided she and my father had a non-creepy age difference, they could communicate openly, and that they love one another and want to be married.

    I would send a card as Kenickie advised, and I would write in it "I love you, Dad, I wish you everlasting happiness". I would hope any couple in which one person has more significant assets and/or earning power than the other would speak candidly about a premarital agreement way before the wedding.

    You have a lot of insight into the situation, Mia, and I know you'll do the right thing for you. You aren't required to be happy your father is marrying his much-younger mistress. You should only go to the wedding (or be a bridesmaid) if it feels right to you.

    Bon courage.
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    #16
    Bluelighter mrs_mia_wallace's Avatar
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    Merci!

    My dad took me out to dinner-- alone at least-- and said as soon as the drinks arrived, "I'm divorcing your mother." I just sort of nodded and said "ok, I guess that's for the best" and he let out a sigh of relief and said "oh thank god, I thought you were gonna cry or something and I'd have to tell you this during a second conversation-- I'm getting married, and yes, she's young, early twenties.'" Always the economical businessman.

    I had a very long conversation with him today about it, and against what I would like to do, I'm gonna go-- I've made a lot of choices in my life that my father did not agree with, some of them turned out bad and some of them turned out good, and even though I wouldn't say that my dad deserves any awards for being the most supportive or empathetic father, he has stood by me, and I feel like I owe it to him to stand by him, even if I cannot begin to understand how he can possibly be making the decision he's making. I know my mom is going to be upset and I just hope she's able to understand that I'm not going because I in any way applaud his decision, but because he's a grown man and he's my father. I will not, however, under any circumstances be anyone's bridesmaid, that is just too much.

    He's of course signing a prenup, he's not an idiot. I think he knows deep down that she's a goldigger (I mean, why else would you marry someone 42 years older than you?) he just doesn't really care. I don't know what their agreement is, that's none of my business, but my parents have always been very generous with me and I know that I'm the sole beneficiary in both of their wills. But I honestly don't really care about the money, I just want them both to be happy. If he wants to give her the house or stocks or cars or money or whatever else, that's his choice-- it would just bother me to see him so blatantly taken advantage of. My biggest fear when I first heard that they were getting married was that she was going to take total control and hide him from me, but she hasn't done that. Yet anyway.

    I feel like what would be the best thing for my mother at this point would be to go back to Paris, where she can be with her family, but I think she's just too embarrassed. She has a number of girlfriends out here-- 5 or 6-- she's just not being very social. And, as much fun as nodding off on the couch next to her while she downs glass after glass of wine is, I just don't feel like isolating herself here is the best thing for her...

    Thanks for everyone's advice!
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    #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mel22 View Post
    Don't listen to anyone else. What do YOU want to do?

    Either way, someone will be upset. Eventually, they will get over it. If you want to be there for your father, then be there. If you don't, then don't. If your mother wasn't in the picture, what would you do?

    Your mother is understandably upset, but she should not be telling you what decision to make here. Your dad didn't divorce you - he divorced her. This is between them. It may be that your mother wants to hurt your father by having you not attend - don't allow yourself to become a pawn in these games.
    This.
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    #18
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    My honest, unbiased opinion- without even really reading the replies yet- (thus will probably be edited soon) - is
    FUCK YES GO TO YOUR FATHER'S WEDDING!

    He is your FATHER, and you only get one of them.
    He deserves to be happy.
    I wish my father had the balls to divorce my nervous trainwreck of a mother, but catholicism runs deep in my family, so it seems not meant to be...

    **DISCLAIMER: I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY love & adore my father, but also see him as a PERSON, and see how unhappy he is with my mother, and thus would be THRILLED were he to TRULY find happiness with some other woman.
    Last edited by tu_madre; 13-05-2013 at 01:15.
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    #19
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    Since you do have a relationship w/ your dad, i think you are right to go, for his sake.

    My parents got divorced when i was 13. I was shipped off to a boarding school and ended up going to college close to where my dad had moved. We really didn't have much of a relationship while they were married except when he was beating my ass.
    I hadn't seen or spoken to him for years. I got some bright idea maybe he had changed, found his phone number, told him where i was going to college, and asked him if he'd like to have dinner. I should've known...
    After dinner he decided he wanted to show me the property he'd bought so off we go. We went in through the kitchen door and here's this chick, not much older than me, in the kitchen. She took one look at me and hauled ass upstairs.
    He said, "that's Elaine and she's shy." right... after awhile she came down the stairs and said, "i'm sorry. I'm just terrified of people" and back up the stairs she ran.
    I said, "um, wtf?" and he said, "she's my wife." glad i was sitting down. "how old is she?" "21 and we're having a baby." He was 60, i was 17, and she was younger than all four of my brothers who were 25-32 at the time. Wished i'd left right then but my dumbass had to ask, "where'd you meet her?"
    "In the retreat (read: loony bin) where your mother forced me to go before we divorced."

    That was my cue to exit. Never saw or heard a word from him again nor did i try to contact him. Guess i have 2 half siblings somewhere from what i've heard. One of my brothers told me in '95 or '96 that dear old dad had died about 6 months earlier. Real tight family, eh...

    I'm sorry for all the turmoil you're having to deal with, Mia. But i do agree w/ your decision to go. Too often divorced parents try to make their kids take sides which is an impossible situation.
    Best of luck to you.
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    #20
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    Moving this SO --> SLR

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    #21
    Bluelighter MrGrunge's Avatar
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    Just go. There's a good chance the marriage will fail anyway - understand that your Dad is probably going through a mid-life crisis and needs the support of a sane family member. There are other times to express your dissatisfaction with your father's relationship, but the day of the wedding is not one of them. He's an adult and he's made his decision; help him understand your concerns, but don't be pushy and dramatic about it because that won't help (and will probably further fuck-up your relationship with him).
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    #22
    All men have the right to be fools in love, who cares how old she is? Support your dad!
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    #23
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    do what suits you

    if you go to the wedding your mum will get over it.

    asking you to be bridesmaid is cheeky but whatever

    if you want to go then do it

    it might be the more diplomatic thing to do
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    #24
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    I think it sounds like you've made up your mind, and that's good.

    My parents divorced when I was very young, so I've had lots of practice separating my relationship with my mum from my relationship with my dad. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your father, and that while you disagree with his actions you are not being judgmental. That's really mature of you and a solid foundation to having a good future relationship, no matter what happens with his marriage.

    Then you need to think about your relationship with his future wife; let's hypothesise they do stay together forever. Then what? It's fair enough not to be a bridesmaid, but I believe she meant well by asking. She's reaching out to you, and since you're going to be stuck with her in your family you might as well get to know her. She might be a nice person; and making your boundaries clear (e.g. not allowing for the term "stepmum" to be used, not being a bridesmaid) is really important.

    I think the most tricky part, as you said, is your relationship with your mum. Now, I can see how this is absolutely devastating for her, shattering for her self esteem and hugely upsetting. I can see why she'd feel betrayed. But she's been betrayed by him, not you. You have a right to have a (now separate) adult relationship with both of them and she will have to learn to respect this. You know, some women who haven't had a career or carved an identity for themselves apart from spouse and mother see their children as an extension of themselves. She might expect you to identify fully with her pain, to be her only support system, to "take her side". You can't take this on - you have your own life to live. In a sense, maybe this is a good way to make these things clear and perhaps give her the incentive to reach out for friends and family, because it sounds like she's leaning on you emotionally 100% at the moment and that's very tough - make sure you look after yourself as well, it's easy to get so lost in doing everything right by everyone you forget to look after your own needs. Hugs x
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    #25
    Not only would I go, I would give him a massive high five and buy him a few bottles of champers to kick off the celebrations then ask him to put in a good word for me with her younger sisters.
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