Hello all,
I never knew this side of BL existed. But it's funny how you find things at the perfect moment sometimes. I just need to get this off my chest...
Growing up, I'm 25 now, I never understood the whole cutting, or burning "thing". At the time of my high school years was when 'emo' kids were a thing and it was almost a fashion trend to cut yourself. Anyway, it wasn't until recently, as in the last couple weeks really, that I began hurting myself. I'm just about 60 days sober (mainly heroin addict) with the devil-naltrexone implant in me for almost a month. Let's just say June was NOT a good month to give up dope. Well, maybe good isn't the right word. June wasn't an ideal month. I guess stereotypical story of losing everything (to keep it short), except the (sometimes VERY OVERBEARING) love and support of my mother. Which I don't take for granted.
But anyway back to the point... maybe it's best if I just share an entry from my journal. I am leaving it whole, as I've initially written it to keep it in context. Sorry if it comes off as offensive.
"July 23rd, 2015: Yesterday I put a cigarette out completely on my arm. I've intentionally burned myself with a couple before in the weeks prior but yesterday I went all the way. And to be honest, I'm a little afraid. I was jonesin' really bad at the time and the burning sensation gave me a rush almost identical to dope. It obviously didn't last as long, but it's weird the relief and satisfaction I got from it. And I've always made fun of the 'emo cutters'. I guess they were on to something... But I don't want to be a 'self-mutilator'. It just looks like I want attention. I don't at all. All I really want is my dope back. I miss her. This life I'm living now isn't mine. I don't care what people say. The person I am now and on my way to becoming isn't me. I want to die a junkie."
After typing that I think there's more than just wanting to use again. I'm very lonely, depressed, angry etc... but don't want to go to anyone personally cuz I feel like a basket-case that everyone is tired of hearing this shit from. So, that's why I'm reaching out here. Even if no one responds, it was nice to let it out to the world.
Thanks.
Niko, you're very brave in letting this out, thank you for posting here.
I understand all too well about self harm as it was a part of my life for 14 years.
I used to look forward to that instant relief, that breathtaking moment of pain in order just to feel somewhat normal, that feeling of self worth. It does as you say create a feeling of being high without a drug. I used to plan my sessions of self harm and longed for the chance that I could get to act my plans out.
I believe that in a way, it is a cry for help and a form of attention seeking, there is nothing wrong with this, it's just our minds way of expressing a fear to be heard.
After all of these years, I realised that it just wasn't worth it anymore, it was a damn hard ritual to get out of but with determination, I suceeded.
I started off by putting elastic bands around my wrist and flicked them against my skin, it gave the feeling of pain but with none of the scars or significant damage to myself.
You need to realise that you are worth more than self mutilation, you don't need to put yourself through this in order to feel good about yourself. Respect your body and mind and realise that you are worth more than a cigarette burn, worth more than a slashed wrist.
You need a good support network around you that can help you overcome this, unfortunately, I had nobody that I could count on but I urge you to have people around you that care and can drag you through this torturous hell.
See a doctor, open up, lay everything bare. You need every bit of support that you can right now.
I say all this, however, you are only going to want to be helped when your mind is ready, when you just tell yourself, right, this shit has got to stop.
I really do wish you good luck in your struggles with self harm, if you ever want to talk to me, I'm only a PM away hun.
You're one step there with admitting and asking for help from us here.
Be safe and please take care. I'm always here x