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Relationships Scare Me

A

AnonymousJ

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In the past year and a half, I've had a couple of opportunity's to become romantically involved with another being.

I have a problem however and it is rather embarrassing for me. It's perhaps the most embarrassing thing about myself that I can admit, it's that one thing that is always on my mind and frankly has been ruining my mental capacity of happiness for a few years now. That problem is, I'm scared to become close to another human being, both physically and emotionally. To be completely honest, and this is something I haven't even admitted to my oldest friend, I haven't had sex in going on seven years. It's a fact that often bugs me beyond belief and leads me to doubting myself, my actions, and often self destructing positive things in my life due to something I've come to believe is a mechanism I've developed subconsciously in order to harm myself due to not feeling good enough.

Let's start with the elephant in the room, why haven't I had sex in seven years? Frankly, I'm scared. I'm extremely self conscious. My one and only sexual relationship was when I was 15, at the time it was very enjoyable, I don't remember anything holding me back. Then we broke up and she left me for a much older, much more physically endowed guy who pleased her a lot better than I ever did. She rubbed this in my face, and frankly it scarred me mentally. Every relationship after that became one that ended due to me not committing to sex. I'd simply avoid the topic, when the time arose I'd make up some excuse. This has been going on for several years now.

My desire is there. I'm not a virgin, I've experienced it before and know it's something I want in my life, however I just can't bring myself to do it. A few times I'll be with someone and they'll start to hook up with me, making moves and grinding against me, trying to take my clothes off. In all honestly, I just continue to make out with them but I stop them from touching me or getting any of my clothes off. I'm worried of things such as how I appear naked, am I big enough? What if I come before I even get the condom on? What if this happens, what if that happens. It's a whole ordeal I apparently would much rather avoid. But I'm done with this bullshit. I want to be intimate with someone again, I want to have a relationship.

As I've gotten older and left my teenage years behind, I've come to learn that a relationship simply can not exist before sex is involved. At least, this is the culture I live in, one where sex is expected and commonplace. If it does not exist between two people, a relationship will simply not come to be. I've become emotionally close with a small handful of females in the past year and a half. We always become close friends, we get along perfectly. The desire and spark is there, it's not just a friendship thing at first. However I always stop it from getting any further. I sincerely don't know what to do with myself though. I'm stuck in the worst mind loop of all.

I'm really not sure why this fear is so immensely overwhelming. At this point in time, I have the opportunity to possibly have a relationship with this amazing girl I met through a friend of mine. She's still young, soon to turn 18. Extremely sweet, beautiful, makes me smile more genuinely than I have in the longest time. We connect so well. I'm scared I'm gonna lose her to someone who has more time on their hands, who has no worry bout having sex. I work so much, I barely get time off. All I want to do is have time to see her and enjoy my time with her.

I'm not sure what to do. The answers to my questions have always been so clear and obvious to me, sometimes I don't even know why I bother asking. The obvious answer here is, stop being a pussy and just fuck her. Why does everything feel so damn difficult though? I'm scared of not getting it up, coming too soon, being a let down, what do I do afterwards? It's been so long I feel like I've forgotten everything. It's not rocket science, it's just the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Help! Advice. She's young, she's sweet, forgiving. She genuinely cares about me, it shouldn't be an issue with her, it's just with me. How do I get past this nonsense.
 
I honestly think the only way you are going to get over this would be to jump back in the saddle again so to speak. The first time will be the hardest time.

Nothing is sexier than self assurance. If you really like this girl, open up to her about some of what you just told us. Tell her you find her incredibly sexy and want to be intimate with her. Tell her that it might take you a while to get comfortable but you can assure her that it will ultimately be worth it.

Then fuck her. If something happens and you can't get it up, DON'T stress out about it. Concentrate on her pleasure. Make sure she climaxes. As long as you are a physically healthy male you will probably at some point be able to maintain an erection. Laugh about it afterwards if something awkward happens.

Don't take what that girl when you were 15 did....geez, you were just a kid then. Adult sex is so much better. I am sure she was just being a bitch with the size thing, and even if she wasn't, size is not really all that important if you know what to do with your cock, fingers and tongue. If you don't, then do some reading and try to learn.

Whatever you do, try to stop feeling so inadequate. That is a huge turn off....it is fine to be celibate if you are doing it for the right reason, but it seems like you have a genuine desire to have sex. Sometimes bad and awkward sex happens, you just have to be able to laugh about it.
 
She's only 18. Odds are she's going to leave you eventually.

...they always leave especially if you get with them when they're younger.
 
What else can an 18 year old do????


Who really thinks that a young woman is going to stay with them for the REST of HER LIFE. Its just a matter of when and how it ends.

My ex feed me lines, lies, and promises while falling for someone else and trying to pursue another relationship right in front of me.

I was too stupid and confident at the time to care. But eventually, she gave me the pink slip (I was a little surprised) and just like being fired I had to pack up my shit and life right then and there and move on all while she gave me the cold shoulder and pretended like we didn't just spend the last 3yrs all over each other as best friends and lovers. She practically made my apartment her second home (whether I liked it or not).

Oh well though, that was close to 5 years ago now...

F it all.
 
^ that is not relevant to the OP's issue, and is a gross generalisation based upon one negative experience. Maybe you should make your own thread to rant about how all 18 year olds will leave you and what happened with your ex?
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Anyway, ouch OP, that sucks.

I think therapy could really help you, as it would be beneficial to address the underlying issues. This obviously a real problem for you, and it has negatively impacted your life for years. It appears to be relatively severe too.

Other than that, have you considered sleeping with a prostitute? This might not be your thing, but it may well be that once you do the deed successfully, you are more confident that the scenarios in your head will not eventuate (ejaculating before getting the condom on etc.)

Good luck, I hope you can get past this...it sounds terrible.
 
sounds like your ex did a number on you mentally.

BUT only you can change your future if you stop living in the past. i have had a lot of sex and not all of it was great but insecurity is the biggest turn off because first and foremost you must love yourself. your ex bullied you and it got you down. well lots of girls have been trying it on so you must be doing something right.

also why can a relationship not develop before you have sex? many people get together and wait until they are comfortable before having sex. you have become overly fixated on the ways in which you can fail as the one woman you opened up to made you feel inadequate. big whoop. its up to you to take control of your life and put that asshole in your past and forget about her.

its up to you and you should maybe be honest with this girl about how what your ex was like has had a negative impact upon you and that you want to take things slow. but let her know that you like her.

who gives a shit if it doesn't last until you are 89 years old. just enjoy the moment and feel love again but this time it will be better
 
Aw man, I feel your pain. I'm totally freaked out about relationships too. I am incredibly afraid of letting people get close to me both emotionally and physically. But I think the two go hand in hand pretty often. I too don't allow relationships to develop. As for me, my problems regarding closeness stems more from a fear of being hurt emotionally so I push people away and hurt them before they hurt me.

I don't see though why a relationship cannot develop between you and another person without sex. You can develop an emotional bond which should help calm your anxieties regarding performance and body issues. When the time is appropriate just bring up the fears that you have. Anyone worth being in a relationship with should understand and be willing to help you in anyway they can.

Just because one woman said that shit doesn't mean it's even true. Maybe she was upset about the break up and wanted to get back at you. You can't let your past dictate how you live your life now. Take charge of your life and don't let her actions control it anymore. Obviously, it's easier said than done. I don't mean to come across as I think it's an easy thing to do. Like someone else said, therapy could really help.


Size doesn't matter and if you do ejaculate prematurely or are too nervous to get it up, so what? It happens. A proper girlfriend should be understanding.

Anyway, I think it would be best to concentrate on the emotional aspect of a relationship first. Then tackle the sex part when it comes along. You probably are thinking a relationship is going to fail because of the sex issue. So maybe you are going into it expecting failure.
 
actually my post wasn't a gross generalization. i think its a thought out response. he's afraid of getting attached and losing the girl- like what happened in the past. im telling him its probably going to happen again. that's life. deal with it. or avoid relationships and sex and don't.

about the age thing. i think most old people will agree that there is a strong chance that young love and relationships don't last. every adult know when high school kids start dating its becomes "serious" its really not. They'll probably break up eventually.

Every college student and twenty something know that life is complicated enough and the relationship that they are in probably won't last a lifetime. that's why people have fuck buddies and "hook up". Because its hard to keep a relationship together.

I mentioned the girl leaving part again, because everyone knows that if a young woman is attractive, odds are, she will get hit on and offers will be made, and she will attract attention- therefore more chances and options to leave the relationship are put in place.

what eves
 
nooneanymore said:
actually my post wasn't a gross generalization. i think its a thought out response. he's afraid of getting attached and losing the girl- like what happened in the past. im telling him its probably going to happen again. that's life. deal with it. or avoid relationships and sex and don't.

about the age thing. i think most old people will agree that there is a strong chance that young love and relationships don't last. every adult know when high school kids start dating its becomes "serious" its really not. They'll probably break up eventually.

Every college student and twenty something know that life is complicated enough and the relationship that they are in probably won't last a lifetime. that's why people have fuck buddies and "hook up". Because its hard to keep a relationship together.

I mentioned the girl leaving part again, because everyone knows that if a young woman is attractive, odds are, she will get hit on and offers will be made, and she will attract attention- therefore more chances and options to leave the relationship are put in place.

what eves
Click to expand...

Might be irrelevant but it's probably true.. Lived with a girl 5 years after high school all for it to come crashing down like a deck of cards. Oh well. Live, love, lose.

Bottom line is relationships are kind of like pets. They all have different issues, good and bad, and none of them can ever replace another once it's lost :( At least a long-term relationship.

Very true words.
 
nooneanymore said:
he's afraid of getting attached and losing the girl- like what happened in the past. im telling him its probably going to happen again. that's life. deal with it. or avoid relationships and sex and don't.
Click to expand...

If that's what you got from the original post, then I encourage you to read it a few more times.
 
I would suggest perhaps, getting emotionally intimate with someone, and then before making it physical perhaps discussing it with the person. Explain how you feel, why you feel that way and that it's a difficult thing for you to deal with.

You'd be surprised how understanding people can be when you actually tell them how you feel. I'm not having a go, I understand it can be extremely difficult, especially in your scenario but if you really want a relationship, begin with honesty, that way there's no chance of your partner reflecting any of their own potential self esteem issues on to your actions :)

Hope this helps. Good luck OP.
 
How? As I've just said in another thread - find some techniques to start thinking positively. Look up NLP and also look into controlling your breath (pranayama) - this will affect your mood and your thought processes MASSIVELY.

Seriously fella I know where you are, I have been there, I relate completely but get past this by looking for ways to make yourself happy and confident, and then just be open with her. Open your heart, and if she's right for you at the moment, then she will embrace it.

Big love bruv. <3 peace

Also - look into sexual techniques, kama sutra, tantra - look into becoming a wicked lover, then no matter how small your cock is (unless it's under 4 inches erect), they won't care as you will still be able to fuck them all night and lick them just RIGHT ;)
 
Not all relationships will end perfectly. Most relationships end (statistically speaking). That doesn't mean your next one will. It doesn't mean it can't be a good experience and you can't learn from it. You've gotta get yourself out there. Yes, it's hard. But just go for it. Take things slow if you need to.
 
Therapy is going to really help. Is that relationship the only reason your afraid or was there something else that happened to you maybe abuse something you didnt want to do? If you really are done with the bullshit and think you can do without actually speaking to a proffesional and benefiting from it then go for it but let me warn you do not get to close or too attached shes young and you just dont want to be hurt again.
 
you do a lot more living by failing than by not trying. you will be a lot happier if you seek to have a full life rather than a life where nothing ever goes wrong.
 
nooneanymore said:
What else can an 18 year old do????


Who really thinks that a young woman is going to stay with them for the REST of HER LIFE. Its just a matter of when and how it ends.

My ex feed me lines, lies, and promises while falling for someone else and trying to pursue another relationship right in front of me.

I was too stupid and confident at the time to care. But eventually, she gave me the pink slip (I was a little surprised) and just like being fired I had to pack up my shit and life right then and there and move on all while she gave me the cold shoulder and pretended like we didn't just spend the last 3yrs all over each other as best friends and lovers. She practically made my apartment her second home (whether I liked it or not).

Oh well though, that was close to 5 years ago now...

F it all.
Click to expand...

It seems like you need to do some letting go, before you correctly move on. Ive got some experience and credentials in the field of psychology, so will be more than happy to help here...
 
B1tO'RoughJack said:
How? As I've just said in another thread - find some techniques to start thinking positively. Look up NLP and also look into controlling your breath (pranayama) - this will affect your mood and your thought processes MASSIVELY.

Seriously fella I know where you are, I have been there, I relate completely but get past this by looking for ways to make yourself happy and confident, and then just be open with her. Open your heart, and if she's right for you at the moment, then she will embrace it.

Big love bruv. <3 peace

Also - look into sexual techniques, kama sutra, tantra - look into becoming a wicked lover, then no matter how small your cock is (unless it's under 4 inches erect), they won't care as you will still be able to fuck them all night and lick them just RIGHT ;)
Click to expand...

I sense a fellow PUA in proximity??
 
It is not a big deal sometime it happens when we feel anxiety to be with someone,but as you said that its always happened to you so you should go for a proper treatment.It will help you in building relations or the best is to go for a behavior therapy.
 
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