Dude, where's my veins (money, job, friends, etc)?
Background
I'm 32. When I was 12, I decided drugs sounded interesting and decided to try everything (in later years have realized that "everything" is stupid. There are drugs whose effects I do not prefer, and things like bath salts, fake weed, and Krokodil seem stupid.) I decided to research amd seek out drugs. My first experience was inhaling solvents etc- bc it said "harmful or fatal if inhaled." I was depressed and wanting to die. It did something else though, which I liked. Next was weed, but that was just because that's what I found next. If I had run I to heroin, coke, crack, meth first, I would have done it.
Substances
Inhalants (12), Weed(13), Alcohol(13), prescription speed of various types (14), LSD (15), opiate pills (15), MDMA (17), cocaine (17), mushrooms (eighteen), Nitrous Oxide (eighteen), Ketamine (eighteen), salvia (eighteen) methamphetamine (19), DXM (20), 5MEO-AMT (21), Soma (21), heroin (first tried at 21 but was unimpressed. Started playing around with it out of boredom at 24 since my roommates were using it for a while, got hooked at 25), DIPT (24), benzodiazipines (25, they just put me to sleep so use for withdrawal or putting myself to sleep.) Wow, I haven't tried anything new in a long time.
Duration of dependence
I huffed solvents for about nine months. Smoked weed weekly at most for a while, put it down for years after finding other drugs, then was once or twice per year after age 20, in the past couple of years smoke socially- ranges from a few times per week to monthly. In high school I was upset by the social stigma of drugs and wanted to prove you could keep your life together and not be addicted, so chose to use drugs 3 days per month, drew the dates out of a bowl.. Didn't have many druggie friends so used alone at school for the most part. After high school, got into raves. Used drugs between a couple times a week to once per month. Then found meth, did that a few days every week or so for a couple of months until a friend died off of drugs he got from me. I couldnt deal, got on it full time for about 9 months til I suddenly went from wanting it constantly unless way high, to not wanting it at all. Did it a few times after that, got sick of it after a day each time. Then did it once in 2011(9 years later) and it was ok, once more a year later- made me violently ill with side effects lingering for days. Yuck.
Just before turning 22, while my drugs were mostly psychedelics and alcohol, occasionally opiates, I took a month off, then another. Decided I liked it, and that I would have 4 "drug months" per year. That worked out well for a while. In 2007, my roommates were experimenting with heroin, I did it out of boredom and also helped me throw up (I was bulimic)a few days or so per week. I smoked it. Tried shooting after 2 months. Had someone else do it for me but needles no biggie bc I'd done IM ketamine for a couple of years by then. Second shot OD'd me. After the hospital, I stopped a few months- it had made me gain weight anyway. Got a junkie boyfriend, did lots of acid & k with him. Started doing heroin after a few months. Few days weekly to weeks long binges.. We moved to Vegas. He was so different when we were alone, I had no friends or job and felt so alone, depressed, and that I'd lost my identity since I wasn't selling drugs anymore. Found solace in dope and it was an easy one call away. Did it when I could afford to, but the binges got longer and time off got shorter. I got a little sick after binges... This is what I thought dope sickness was.. Not great, but not terrible. Thought junkies were just whiners, I was a "strong person" like everyone said. I could stop when I wanted, and the sickness my bf got was just an extreme case from a long habit and methadone. After a 12 week binge, I got real dopesickness for my first time- a different animal. For a couple of years, I was very divided. I hated being on it, hated being off it too. Tried to quit every 6-8 weeks, usually by knocking myself out on benzos for a weekend, but used by Monday night and back to mornings too within a week. Went cold turkey at Burning Man 2009, 7 days off it- my longest since being hooked. (Haven't been back to Burning Man since either.) Also have gone up to five days without on methadone or suboxone. Prefer suboxone as methadone makes me lazy and self pitying, and with suboxone or subutex (like that better even tho I just use it sublingually) I stop caring if I get dope after about 2 days. About 3 years ago, I was gong to quit- have a friend mail me some suboxone. As time went on, found more reasons to stop. But it took her over 2 months to get it to me. By then, I found most of my "reasons" were adverse effects of laziness, not necessarily drugs, and just had to TRY. I kept my life mostly together after that for a while, but I now haven't had a job or school in over a year (ran out of federal loan $) but I still accept and am at peace with my habit. It keeps me from doing other things like self mutilation and eating disorders and keeps my moods much more even.
Adverse Effects
Meth made me exhausted and depressed after a while.
Heroin- Definitely laziness and oversleeping.. Takes your natural bad tendencies and amplifies them. The not giving a fuck goes too far. I was prone to OD (not fatal or requiring hospital tho except the first) for a couple of years. Then it stopped. The laziness and oversleeping led to being suspended a year from school after mostly not going my 2009-10 year.. I've lost most jobs from excessive tardiness, but on dope, I lose them much faster. I'm Much worse at forgetting what isn't in front of me and am bad at keeping in contact with friend and family (also mom found needles during xmas09 visit, said it was for K, but 2 "friends" outed me in 2011 and not allowed to go there now.) I've become very unsocial, which I did on and off before, but now a homebody with nearly no friends after living here 7 years. Even times I could afford to explore what vegas has to offer, I'd rather get a latte, order food, get extra drugs as not to have to worry about getting drug $ for a while. I have gained massive weight from even slower metabolism, inactivity, and a sweet tooth. I have cavities from sugar and forgetting to brush my teeth. Wretched fights and resentment in my prior relationship, a bad situation I stayed in even almost 2 years after breaking up. I'd still live there if he hadn't gotten us evicted. After so many years with no real break, I average 3/4 gram per day in 3 shots, pretty much maintenance user. The sickness is horrible. Veins- started out crappy and gotten worse. Killed neck years ago. Currently on torso. Lots of abscesses, scars, bumps, bruises, permanent dark marks and track scars. Vein searches can take up to a couple of hours and 20+ mins is common. It is much worse while sick- it hurts and i twitch. I turn into a huge titty baby when i cant hit, whether sick or not. Oh lots of paying rent and bills late.
Stuff I've done for money- lost bank accounts with empty envelopes, pawning everything of value, medical research, consumer research, middlemanning, odd jobs, stealing and return scams (got civil charge against me at Walmart for 200$ now), begging with a sign by the highway (which I have a warrant for not paying the fine now), prostitution. Didn't get emotionally scarred from sex work, accepted it fast. Even enjoyed myself in many situations. What I don't like- the flakes and all the bs to find a client online, fear of running into a bad client or law enforcement, having to take cheapskates sometimes just to get drug money. Having to rely on the unreliable. Actually, the emotional effects kinda went opposite- not sure how to ever have casual sex in the future? Would feel like something is missing and getting jipped if money wasn't involved. If I hadn't just fallen into my current relationship or if it ends, I'm clueless as to how to get past that whole sex without pay thing. That's about all I can think of. *oh wait- my hands randomly and relatively easily fall asleep now. Sometimes my feet. (Circulation.)
Warnings and Advice
You are not "stronger than" a biological change in your body. No one is. Keep on top of your life and very aware of where you're slipping, you have to keep consistent effort and foresight if you want to keep your life semi stable. Quit while you're ahead. If you're going to IV, learn and practice HR techniques, don't learn off some long term user Whos way past caring bc then it will be too late when you want to save your veins. Always budget for needles and order them offline if you have to. Choose some lines you won't cross bc once you do it once, the next time is easier and eventually the lines aren't even there. Also- it doesn't happen overnight or anything close, but does sneak up on you pretty easily. My mistake was in expecting "dope sick lite" to be what I'd get every time I stopped.
Misc
After all of this, I can't believe that I still have drug snobbery inside of me. Like "at least junkies quit scamming once they get their dope, unlike tweekers." "Filthy crackhead." "Stupid e-tard." Etc. Haha
*And while I have come to accept myself being an addict and the life that revolves around it, most people do not. Don't expect to end up OK with it, or to end up cool with prostitution either (not that most people could imagine themselves do n it - I couldn't either til it happened.) I may be lucky or unlucky in self acceptance. I am a "take things in stride" person anyway. Most addicts hate themselves for it and it's a mighty struggle with lasting damage.
