Harm Reduction ⫸Personal Accounts of Addiction: What's YOUR Story?⫷

[NevadaPower]

Where they don't work anymore, yes, this is spot on. I've quit six times from pain killers. I'm on them again. I'm buying them through other people. My pain Doctor got me hooked and then he cuts me off because of contract violation. I was over the four pill a day limit. So I'm at the point to where I want to quit, but I don't want to quit. I take them because they help me workout. It's much easier on pain meds. I tried working out when I was clean and it was horrible! I couldn't do it! I know I need to stop before I go over the edge. Any suggestions? I really don't want to go to rehab. I've quit six times before on my own, so I know the hell of stopping. Thanks guys.

 

[Speed King]

I'll elaborate later,, but I consider addiction a mistake. You Identify the issue and correct it. Sure, some things take time( subjective ) but if you grow the patients and enhance the ability of picking up wisdom in general, addictions cycle, can be stopped, broken, reversed and healed. It takes time, dedication and faith to complete.

 

[NevadaPower]

Good points Speed King! I appreciate the feedback. It's all about taking charge, and making a firm decesion,,the thing that gets me is that I've allowed a foreign substance to take over.

 

[Jonnyboy369]

Background.. I started drinking at home at age 12, and kept it up. At 16 I became a huge pothead, still drinking. By 17 I was strung out on powder coke, when I ran out of money to buy it I would drive to the ghetto and ripoff dealers with fake money. Really glad I never got shot. Stayed a heavy alcoholic and smoking pot. Moved out at 19, my neighbors are of course drug dealers. I ate MDMA till it didn't work anymore, drank almost everyday. Fucked up my apartment, had to go stay with my granny. I was a complete alcoholic there for three years. She died, and I became homeless. I started travelling, Florida, new Orleans, then Seattle. I drank like everyday there. I got a job in Alaska fishing, came back and got a place in Seattle. I didn't know anybody. I worked in restaurants, drank constantly and also did meth, crack, and heroin. I left the meth and heroin, but never the booze and if ibgot drunk enough I would always try to score crack. I was homeless and couch surfing from 2007-2011. I went to rehab for free at a certain charity that year, I stayed 9 months. I ruined my driver's license way back in 2000, to work I have to stay in the city. I got to be pretty good of line cook, chef, boh restaurant guy. I got off the streets. I never stopped drinking though, even though I knew it was wrong. I ended my drug career with benzos, I could buy them legally off the internet you know the RC ones. I had a seizure, I lost two good jobs last year. I moved to Portland with my girl, got a really good job and got just one last vial of Clonazolam to celebrate. I lost that job from being high. I'm in outpatient rehab now. I'm 35 and this started at 12. I can't cry over the milk, but all my family have houses, careers, are married, kids, all kinds of things. I have my gf and she is sweet for putting up with me, but we don't have much. I'm really trying to keep it positive, I need to hold onto what I do have . I spent my whole life do far mostly getting fucked up. That's sobering in itself. I'm glad I read this thread, and I posted my story. I think the only thing I can do is stay sober and give back anything I can to addicts like me. Like my Aunt says, one day, you have to own everything you ever did in your life. That's so true. The saddest loss is I'll never have my own family most likely, that one stings the most . Thanks everyone..

 

[Chriscom]

Hi everyone. Its good to read your stories and i hope you're all doing well. My names Chris and i'm an add.... Haha just kidding. My tale of woe goes back to the mid 90s. I discovered drugs when i was about 14. Acid, hash, speed. By 16 ecstasy was the big thing and how i loved that time. 2 years of bliss and love for everyone. And thats where the good stuff ends. My head was wasted from partying and i was using a lot of temazapam and alcohol to come down from the party drugs. One morning on the way down from E someone produced a bag of H. This was new and exciting. I had heard all the warnings but that was for other people. I just wanted to see what it was like. I smoked a few lines and was sick as a dog but the feeling was incredible. Like being in velvet bubble. The next day i scored a bag for myself. I used to sell weed to some of the longtime H addicts and just couldnt imagine myself being like that. All f'd up with no teeth and missing limbs and shit. No chance. I was 18 and knew it all. Fast forward six months and i have a habit and i'm turning over 8ths to make a few bags for myself. I'm still working and in a relationship but not for long. I stung the guy who was giving me stuff to sell and he cut me off so i found myself with a nasty little habit and no way to feed it. That was when i first used a needle. I was slightly anxious about it but not enough to not do it. The next ten years is a story of courts and institutions and horrible pain. My mum died during that time and the guilt i felt at how i treated that woman drove me further into addiction. I just couldnt handle life. I managed eventually to get stable on methadone. I went to college and got qualified in social work had 2 daughters, got myself fit. The trackmarks had healed and Heroin seemed like a distant memory. I smoked some weed, drank some booze and took the odd benzo to chill out. Life seemed good. Then i discovered cocaine. It had never been a drug i had enjoyed but it seemed to fit my lifestyle now and i started taking it while working in a bar at the weekend. Soon i was selling it and taking it every day. I got away with it for a while but people started to notice. I was taking coke all night and diazepam all day. I lost everything. Family, job, house. I found myself in a homeless unit with drug induced psychosis. That was a dark period. I felt that there was nothing to live for and eventually my mental state was so bad that i thought heroin was the only thing that would numb the pain. I shot up just under half a gram with no tolerance knowing fine well i would go over. I didnt care. I was fortunate enough that one of the workers in the place popped his head in the door and called the paramedics to bring me back. I was dead for 2 minutes. That was the 7th April 2009 and the turning point. Years before i had went to fellowship meetings in rehab but hared them. I now grabbed onto them for dear life. They saved me and the program gave me peace that i hadnt had before. I got my daughters back in my life and got a job as an addiction worker. Life was good again. After 4 or 5 years i was struck with a condition called costocondritis that brings with it chronic pain. I wrestled with it but eventually ended up prescribed pain killers. As soon as i took them i enjoyed the glow and was able to justify taking as many as i wanted because of the pain. After a few months they stopped giving me the desired effect and i started hunting for things to top them up. I ordered codeine, pods, tons of seeds and ended up with a nasty little habit again. No one knew i was taking anything apart from the prescription drugs but hiding it was killing me. Going to work and supporting addicts to get into recovery while i was fcked was soul destroying. People started to notice my mood and appearance changing and i realised it was time to stop. I took this week off work and am on day 4 of cold turkey. I'm sick and craving and i cant believe i'm doing this again after all these years but it is what it is. I want my fredom back. Drugs are amazing things but i cant use them sensibly. I always have to pay the piper. I'm sorry for rambling on so much but thanks to anyone who takes the time to read and if theres anyone just starting out on their adventure keep yourself safe. Peace to all of you

 

[Not Dead Yet]

Brief Background

My father was an alcoholic. My brothers and I ate sweets for the emotional pain. I got fat. Everyone smoked cigarettes then. I smoked my first one at around 12. This was 1965. I hated what alcohol did to my father but I started drinking beer at 14 anyway.

We sniffed Weldwood glue out of plastic bags so it wouldn't dry as fast. All the kids did it and the local hardware store always ran out. One of my buddies, Wayne, fried his brain after sniffing only a month. Hard alcohol made me crazy.

I was a smart, talented kid who sang, made up stories, and could memorize anything. I couldn't wait to get laid and had low self-esteem. Here is a section from "Fiasco!", my autobiography.

This was my first time doing narcotics of any kind (at age 17) :

************************************************************************************

[Fiasco - Pages 72-74]

So Stupid.

One day, feeling particularly low, I visited Ralph Jones in his cellar, My Joint. Of course, he was a likable idiot and OD'd and died in 1977. I think, “Good riddance,” because he was the one who first shot me up with heroin. All of my family and especially my ex-wife, Jennifer, hated and thoroughly resented the drug people I hung around with.

Make no mistake, I started of my own volition but it did not end up that way.

When I walked into his cellar, the first thing I noticed was this sexy chick. Her name was Linda and she was lying on one of the couches, half-dressed and very stoned. Joe Walsh was singing Garden Gate with the James Gang:

[/IMG]

Well I’m sittin’ in the middle of a story would you
Like to read my line?
Sippin’ on a Morning Glory would you
Like to taste my wine?

“Hey, Mikie,” Ralph began. “Wanna shot of this stuff?” He was scratching his face quite a bit as he said the words, in a lower register, haltingly. There was nothing friendly about it. Druggies just need another sucker. They need someone to rip off or help pay the freight. When I think about it now, and I hardly think about it at all, Ralph was the devil incarnate.

This Linda, not my girlfriend Linda, was so out of it and stoned that she would have sex with anybody. Thankfully, I never sampled her wares but her sexiness added to the attraction.

Part of the lure of chemical addiction is the fantasy. But the fantasy never matches the reality. At first, it's sweet.
I was ready. “Just don’t give me too much, Ralph. I don’t want any problems, blah, blah. Joe Walsh didn’t stop singing and for some reason, Garden Gate was playing over and over.

Don’t forget to tell the sun
I sleep through the day
See him when the morning comes
Everything’s OK!

“Roll up your sleeve. I’m just gonna give you a skin shot so it won’t be too much. Are you ready?”
“Uh, no,” I said but stuck out my arm anyway. He didn’t clean the area but plunged the needle into my arm and shot the stuff in.

Captain’s in the chart room, navigating on a star
Can’t know where we’re going ‘cause he don’t know where we are

“Now you gotta wait a bit. Maybe 5 minutes.”

Don’t you think I don’t know how to tell the time?
Can’t you see you can’t sell me something that is mine?

The five minutes passed. I felt nothing and told Ralph. He said, “I guess you need a mainline shot. Wanna try?”

“OK,” I said as I watched him dump some heroin into a spoon. I had no knowledge or overdoses or infections. Then, he tied off a vein and injected the heroin. This time, I got an immediate jolt. “Holy shit!”

The dog is outside barking, something he can’t see
The garden gate is closing

The rush ended in a few minutes and euphoria like I’d never known set in and the world was beautiful. Ralph was beautiful. The nodding chick on the couch was beautiful.

And, best of all, I was beautiful. I don’t remember what happened the rest of that day, but the Garden Gate was certainly closed. That part of my life was over, and I was in for something that I couldn’t imagine in my wildest dreams.

**********************************************************************

End of Background.

I will get to the rest of these categories at another time. Mikie

 

[savage hipocampo]

I started with adderal. My mom is a big person in my life. I was raised to have faith in god. I bought one and liked it so I got a prescription. I started selling them. Then I sold weed. Then I smoked it. I'm a upper guy though. This escalated when I moved. I suddenly had easy access to esctasy and cocaine. I had saved my money from the streets and working for a car. But got my permit suspended on the way to do a buy. I was ticked I have really bad rage problems and manipulative personality. I grew up in extreme poverty. I try to rationalize this with being a product of my environment. Well I'm going on a tangent I know. Well my mom and step dad beat and abused me mentally. I cried for not knowing my real dad. I have severe depression and self esteem issues. I watched a TV show where a soldier goes to an African tribe and they implant stones into his spine. I started self harming soon after. Mostly burning myself. I also began drinking to black out. I had so much pressure. So when I ran out of adderal I began self medicating with weed, cocaine, ecstasy, beer, and liquor. I went to juvi for stealing a car after a bad cocaine comedown. I also had this problem were in general people liked me but I needed them to need me. I'm narcissistic as well. I know it doesn't make sense. Well I started getting girls off of mocospace to be my girlfriend. Finally I got one 3 years older who wanted to have sex. I kissed her once and never saw her again. I liked having fake gf I didn't even care if they were obviously fake. I craved the attention I didn't receive at home. My mom and step dad split. He got my sister because my mom is kinda of bad at English and a little rough but in a tough way. So now I had to wash clothes. I had to pursue money. My mom just ate pills and slept all day to avoid the harsh reality. Meanwhile I had little or any supervision. But I also have a immense conscious. I feel bad for things I can't control. I also often either just sat in my room and planned on ways to get rich off of any means necessary. I started to steal. It started small with candy or drinks because I didn't want to pay for them at school meanwhile my friends were going to juvi and I loved the respect they got when they got out. I have a problem that it's easier for me to get angry at someone who cares about me then a stranger. Like I would fight but most of the time I just let them hit me. I wouldn't fight back just take it. I couldn't hit them back. It was like something stopped me. Maybe because I knew it was wrong. Meanwhile I'm in and out of juvi until my 18 birthday. I moved in with my cousin after I pinched my mom's arm so hard it left a bruise. She said I was hitting her. I was doing so many drugs that I would sometimes. But I always felt disgusted with myself. Plus I stole my little sister's favorite thing her itouch. She even worked and saved to get it. I felt so bad lying about it I told myself this stops now. I did it was hard and I have relapsed. I'm a loner. I like traveling to strange and wonderful places to be alone. I was still on probation at my cousins house. So I begin binge drinking robotussin. It is DXM. I would get a coke high on the come down. Plus I was 18 so I bought it legally. I've never like cigarettes but I begin smoking cause people always bum this is way before vaping. I start selling weed again. I get off probation finally. I try to go to college but I just sign up and quit. It was to confusing at the time. I get a job at the theater and I work part time with my cousin cutting down trees. He's a creep he would always check out little girls and make gross comments. I start feeling weird just seeing him. I start hot boxing my room. He asks me to stop nicely. I want to impress my few friends and say fuck that. So I keep doing it. Now he gets a girlfriend. She is my other cousins bm. So this lady says she doesn't feel comfortable around me. So he kicks me out and I move back to my moms. I don't like the idea of living a rule free life to having someone constantly over my shoulder. So I go see my old friends but I used all my car money. I still have the theater job but my mom pressures me to want more so I try a few full time jobs. They suck so I quit after a week or so. I start hustling and living on the street. I begin seeing this girl who was 3 years younger. She always bought her weed from me cause I gave her a better price. Things escalate I go off and on drugs and binge drinking. Finally my biological dad dies and I move home. Not because my mom was torn up she didn't give a shit. I begin working again with my cousin again because by now I had gotten fired from my theater job for failing to show up. I start having alcohol problem but I'm not 21 and I begin stealing. I go far away to find easier places. By now I'm back on probation. Now I'm really depressed. I start feeling suicidal. I stop every drug but chewing tobacco and hard liquor. Beer here and there but liquor is easier to steal. Finally I get caught and just start to taper off. By now I am serious with this girl so I get my medical marijuana card to again supply her with weed. Then I start smoking again cause I feel like shit. Then I find out she used to cut. So I begin slicing my wrists to impress her. That's the kind of attention whore I am. I work my way into your heart. At first she just saw me as a guy she like buy the time I was really cutting like bad enough I should get stitches bad, she mega into me. So since she knows I don't smoke we start eating pills and smoking cigarettes and I introduce her to cocaine. I only do it a few times with her because I cared about her health and it was harder to find by now. I'm starting to get caught and so is she. She stops but I keep going. I get 5150 the first time for to much alcohol. Second time I ate a bottle of my mom's ambien. Plus I have a night job and to stay up I'm doing meth. In railing every day. I don't like the high so I quit. I get caught with a gun because by now I'm suicidal but I can't buy the bullets for a handgun. I actually try at a Walmart the day I got caught. So I do my 2 months in jail fighting the charge then just give up. So then I finally after all this shit get a fresh start at college and I'm doing good. I actually stuck with it this time. I'm drug free except for chewing tobacco. I thank God. Not the bullshit that they talk about in some church. But the one who saves you when you hand yourself from your door with a belt as a noose. The one who saves you when your running from the car crash over the freeway. I just say I'm lucky I met so many people and learned so much. I'm still a bad, sad individual but I'm finding more outlets. I'm seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. I started respecting my mother. I realized I need to protect her not hurt her. I need to help her get out of poverty and debt. She is what keeps me on the straight and narrow because even though she might lie sometimes usually it's because she hasn't researched it enough not because she doesn't car . I still have days I stare at the mirror and call myself names. I still want it to all end and reach peace. But until my mom and sister ate taken care of I will survive. I will make whatever sacrifices necessary. My biggest eye opener is watching someone shoot up right in front of me and my friends. That showed me how horrible Mexican black tar is. I mean we watched the whole process from heating up the spoon to finding the vein. That scared the hell out of me. My story doesn't really compare to the opiate addicts cause I've never gotten sick. The worst are cravings or a cold sweat after doing a lot of ecstasy. I applaud your commitment to quitting that strong of a high. I took psychology and learned what it does to your brain and that's intense. I'm scared of that. I would just say try to be happy and I know that's sounds ridiculous but I'm serious no amount of drugs or money or guns will fill that void. I always go after needy girls because I feel maybe I can help this one person. How do you do that if you can't fix yourself. I really think there is at least one thing that won't kill you that you can enjoy. For me that is food and exercise. I love it. Hopefully this will help one person and if not jokes on me because I spent the last half hour typing this.

 

[Nubbz123]

I started with cigarettes then weed and alcohol
, I was certainly abusing weed and alcohol but had no problem stopping when I wanted or needed to..
But as I got older and life wasn't new and exciting anymore. I would do anything to feel different! I started taking ecstasy in highschool and would feel shitty for a day or two maybe... But nothing too bad, then I got bored with that and found acid and shrooms! I still think shrooms have some connection to everything in this universe! Anyone who has done them knows what I mean lol but those don't really physically affect you! Until one day I took a tab! I felt amazing like I was able to accomplish anything! I'd work all day happily! And then come home and play with my kids and felt like I could handle anything.. But it took more and more this always short on cash and always worried about getting sick! It's my own hell! I drink and have 2 dwis, shoot anything I can, to fight the sickness shootings coke, snort if I can't shoot, because my veins are all collapsed... You name it I've done it! I have always been scared when I first started... So I started with tabs from family whenever I had pain then got into an accident and was in pain management... I'll admit id lie about about the amount of pain I was in to get stronger pills and was given pure Oxycodone 180 5s a month 6 a day and that is when I know I became addicted cuz I'd go through that in a week! I remember taking so many pills one day and thinking this next one could kill me but I would chance it to try to keep a high which never would happen again! Same with coke! You shoot to chase that first high!! You can never get it again! Unless you stop for a while I myself am a binge user... I go on week long binges on coke or until I can't get any more! II avoided heroin until I was about 30 when I was sick and couldn't afford any Worth while pills, a buddy of mine who I knew was doing it was over and I just wanted the sickness to stop so I said hit me up with what you do cuz it always looked like he was feeling soooo good, and the first time I did 1 or 2 bags and am up to a half g at a time... I Dont like Benzos very much tho cuz its like I don't feel anything for a while and then just black out! But alot of Ppl I know are addicted to them and worse yet suboxone! I went on suboxone a few times but always go go back to the pills! It really sucks because as much as I hate them.. I can't live without them! Atleast for now maybe some day they will come up with the cure for addiction to opiates without getting sick but I'm just too damn scared of feeling like death today so I'll keep living this way....in my own personal hell!! Stay away from opiates unless you want to be in a hell that is the most difficult to get away from! It's definitely a bad deamon that has been ruining lives since it was found!! Ask me anything you want! I have a heavy addiction to all opiates! Opanas , heroin, roxys, Oxys I've done it All and also have severe depression and anxiety from doing drugs! That is the toll you pay from dancing With the devil! I say devil because I need it to function my everyday life which is a concrete worker! Breaking my back every day cuz good jobs require drug tests! So I am barely living anymore! Nothing can make me happy other that my devil! Just deal with the pain if you can because this is not a normal way of life by any means!! Humans gain from accomplishing things and being self sufficient! It's when we feel most happy! Not being able to live without a drug....well that's the opposite of living! It's almost like I'm just waiting to die... But can't because my kids need me to function normally and the only way I can be normal is on drugs!!

 

[takedatrams]

My name is Nathan, and I am 5 months into tramadol. Tramadol is an interesting one. I've only really ever taken opiates and smoked pot. I guess this all really started last year. I had been home"schooled" all my life by my super conservative Christian "you're going to church" mother. As a freshman in Highschool, I was definitely not emotionally prepared to go into all this as staying home all my life not really doing any real school was all I really knew. I had social anxiety and I have Irratable Bowel Syndrome, do everytime I get stressed to a certain point, I have to go take a shit. Anyway, my mom got shoulder surgery and had very bad menstrual cramps so she had around 240 I oxycodone lying around all the time, and I quickly got hooked on that. I never really took it super often, do I never got addicted to it. If it weren't for my lack of maturity (ironically) though, I'm sure I wouldve gotten addicted it. Well, my sister one day got sick with what we assumed was mononucleosis, and about a week later, my dad got the classic fatigue and sick feeling symptoms. But it never stopped, and one day he came home with massive lymphnodes all over his neck. He was in constant pain, and given this little drug Most people think is weak, Tramadol. I ran out of oxy once and was rummaging around the Internet looking for pills to get high on, and to my surprise, tramadol was in the opiate class! I tried it and was blown away, and that was the last I saw of it. I got caught a while later red handed stealing mom's oxycodone, and it made her very sad, just as it made me sad. I swore I wouldn't do it again, and she hid it away, despite having a freaking gun safe. Of course after 6 hours worth of searching I found it, and then got caught, and then she hid it once again, and I got caught, until she finally hid it in the safe. Each time I would beg her not to pull me out of school, and not to tell my maniac of a father, and not to send me to rehab. And I switched to Marijuana and almost got caught quite a few times. And then skip through summer and into October. I was about to go camping when I found a bottle of 120 Tramadol 50mg. I liked my lips and dove in having no idea what I was doing to myself. I got more and more depressed as the school year got more and more difficult, and going from Freshman to Sophomore is really stressful socially, and I started taking more more often than ever. One in January my dad ran out (6 days before refill day) and I hurt. I was depressed, I had cold sweats and goosebumps, I was fatigued, I was pissed off, my head felt like it would push my eyes out of my head and light my neck on fire. My dad took 1-2 a day, and not being the sharpest tool in the shed, never figured out I was taking probably 75 of his pills each bottle.
Then in February, my mom told him to take Tramadol as he was complaining about his chronic super super rare disease, and he told her he ran out, and she brought up the fact that he refilled it 22 days ago. He figured it out and I was punished severely. I went off of it, and was depressed for a long long time. I was buying Oxycodone and Vicodin, and anything else I could. And then he got clumsy and left in the car everyday when he got home from work, giving me yet another steady stream. Here I am in may, still taking the damn stuff.

I feel so depressed everytime I take it. My dad is verbally abusive, I have 5 siblings, and I'm always stressed or depressed by something going on in school. I'm scared. This drug has ruined everything I cared about. It made very pissy quite often and I ended up scaring off my girlfriend, and my best friend, which just made me more isolated and depressed and I ended up pushing my other friends away. I'm just so sick of having drugs be the only thing on my mind all the time, and being so miserable when I'm not on it. I always saw addiction as so glamorous because of media/TV, but it's such BS and it disgusts me that they portray it like that. It is terrible. I get so depressed wishing I could go back to when I was a kid, and I wasn't involved with all this. Before I moved and went to school. Before all I wanted was drugs. Drugs are great. They help people everyday, and it's the people that make them bad (aside from the extreme drugs heroin crack meth etc). This was kind of poorly written but that's my pathetic story

 

[psylohawk]

Child raised in very dysfunctional family. Parents divorced when I was 5 - but kept living together!!! Watched some scenes that belong to Jerry Springer show. Never sexually or physically abused, but abused mentally very heavily.
Started smoking at age 12. At same time started smoking cannabis and drink alcohol. At age 15 (high school, here in eastern Europe) started doing amphetamines. MDMA made me feel normal for the first time in my life. Or should I say it made me feel like I was wanted and not abandoned... I was hooked from the first instance.
Years 15-20 abused MDMA, European speed (not Meth), used LSD on numerous occasions, and had a sniff of Cocaine here and there. Luckily avoided Heroin, as I watched my friends pass away one after the other (this was 90is , and there was a war in my country so purity of all drugs was at its peak...). Cannabis and alcohol were minimum to be able to sleep.
At age 20 went into amphetamine psychosis. Havent slept for 7 days and just kept using MDMA, speed and cocaine... Unfortunately was misdiagnosed with "schizophrenia" (thanks doc.) and forced (by parents also) to ingest wors possible drugs that exist - "antypsychotics". They put me on Fluphenazine depo (once a month injection) + Zyprexa (olanzapine ) + Tegretol (carbamazepine) + Akineton + Valium (diazepam) + Dormicum (midazolam) -> all in high dosage.
They kept drugging me for almost 6 years, and I dont know how I made it but at the age of 26 found a job and bit by bit I was almost drug free. I say almost, because I have one big leftover - benzodiazepine dependence. I dont abuse them, but after such a long period my body is having really difficult time when I even lower my dose (at the moment around 20mg diazepam a day).
Was able to break free from claws of psychiatrists, and few years ago when I had to go to get a prescription for diazepam (before that, cause of my "history", GP handed it to me like a candy) I found out that I never had schizophrenia (knew it before, but now had confirmation). Psychological testing showed that I dont have personality disorder issues, and this doctor told me - "I am sorry you went through something so awful, when it was not necessary."
So, now days using coke here and there (once every 2 months), opioid medications for legitimate reasons (dorsalgia, lumbar hyperlordosis, spina bifida...). I am prescribed tramadol in high dosage, but am taking oxycodone and morphine (both slow release, and not abusing), because in my pretty backward country I can not get prescription for anything but tramadol - not even codeine!
So at age 35 I am using oxycodone/morphine every 3 days (sometimes kratom, rarely tramadol because its such a dirty drug that does not even help my pains). At the moment I am not even dependent on opioids, but, as foolish as it sounds - wish I am. My pains are making me so miserable that I would willingly become dependent on some opioid that would help this debilitating back pain.
True evil, and my real nemesis are benzodiazepines - only drug I did not take by my own will! After 15 years of using, I can say that for me it is much harder to come of benzos than morphine. I had one morphine withdrawal (one month use, dosage 75-150mg a day), one oxycodone (2 months 40-80mg a day) and one tramadol (2 months, 200-300mg a day), and none of them compare to misery I go through when I try to stop diazepam (not even really slow taper makes it easier).
I am sure it is related to duration of use, probably would talk other way around if I used morphine for 15 years and diazepam for 6 months, but benzos are definitely one tricky and socially acceptable beast! Dont wake it up unnecessarily, because it is not worth it at all...
So thats my story - lousy family - nicotine/cannabis/alcohole at age 12 , amphetamines and hallucinogens at age 15-20, wrong diagnosis and all possible psychiatric medications from age 20-26, first time opiates for legitimate back pain at age 30+ .
At the moment, addicted to "diazepam" and using opioids for legitimate pain issues (stopped smoking both cigs and weed, and also stopped alcohol). Every 2-3 month koka, and on special occasions mdma.
Thats all folks - watch out for benzos, just not worth it...
Take care.

 

[majestic_wolf]

Brief Background


I'm a 43 year old male, not currently addicted to anything. I drink a couple times a week, and will do coke if it's around (it never is currently). Back when I was in my late 20s I moved in with 2 friends. A couple (male/female), "R" (guy) and "C" (girl). This was in Chicago, and my roommates were into the club scene and had hookups. We would skip the line, drink free and get into VIP all the time. We partied a lot and it was pretty fun. After a while my roommate R started doing this stuff called Nubain. Nubian is a prescription opiate pain med that comes in a multi-dose vial. It was legit from a pharmacy. Somehow he had a connection for it. He would shoot it IV in the house in front of everybody, and he would always try to get me to do it. I always refused. Id never injected drugs before and was freaked out by it. One night we got home and I was almost blacked out. R again tried to get me to do it. I said fuck it, and let him shoot me up. This happened a few more times over the next couple weeks, and then I wanted my own personal bottle of it. Soon I started shooting up myself. All three of us were doing it. Going through bottle after bottle. After a few weeks we all decided to quit. That didn't go well. I experienced opiate withdrawal for the first time and wasn't a fan. Even worse was our connection for Nubain dried up so we were all kind of fucked. In retrospect, the Nubain withdrawal wasn't that bad, as Nubain isn't super strong, but it was bad enough. Scary mostly. So R had an idea to alleviate our "problem" and it was to go score some heroin. The plan was to just do it a few times to wean off the Nubain, then totally stop. We went down to the West side of Chicago and scored the heroin easily, took it home, and did it. I'll never forget that night. It was so powerful. I was overwhelmed. Anyway, not surprisingly we all quickly became full blown heroin addicts. After only 3 weeks I was trying to quit. I couldn't.

My roommates worked in the clubs, but I was a computer programmer and had to report to an office every day for work. I would shoot up in the morning, then at lunch, then just before leaving at 5, then a couple more times before bed. I was doing it every 3-4 hours. It was bad. Despite being high all the time, I was able to function, I never lost my job or had any issues at work. I was making good money so I was always able to get heroin. My female roommate (C) was a rich trust fund kid so she and R had no trouble either. The emotional roller coaster that you are on when being a heroin addict began to get very old. I would cry every morning in the shower. Eventually word traveled to my friends back home in Florida (where I was from) and my family found out. My sister called me one day and said she was coming to get me and bring me home and it wasn't up for debate. After trying to quit like a hundred times on my own and failing every time, I caved in and agreed. She showed up with a truck, loaded up all my stuff, and brought me back to Florida. After a few days of cold turkey withdrawal I couldn't handle it and my parents took me to a rehab for medical (suboxone) detox. After a week of that I was in the clear. Shortly afterwards I found a new programming job and set up a new life in Florida. That was about 16 years ago. I had some slip ups, but nothing major. I will never get in that hole again.

Substance(s)

Heroin, Nubain


Duration of Addiction/Dependence

about 10 months

Adverse Effects

My whole life revolved around getting and doing heroin. Everything else was secondary. Being miserable and sick all the time was the bad part. I was a functioning addict, so I was never broke and homeless.

Warnings and Advice

If you're addicted to opiates, the hard part is getting off them initially. My advice is to move away from all your connections, so once you get off it, its harder to start up again. I know its everywhere, but the more time you have under your belt as a non user, the easier it is to say no to it. My biggest regret is that during my usage, I met a girl who I started dating, and because serious with. Because of me and my roommates, she started using heroin too. She eventually quit after her parents found her OD'd in her bedroom. If she had died I dont know what I would have done. I blame myself for her use.

 

[ElabR8]

I'm 47 currently,i did weed,petrol sniffing,acid from aged 12....Progressed to speed by 17 to 19 and onto heroin...Methadone by 20 for the next 15yrs.
Jumped off 40mg's of methadone on my 35th birthday...Stayed clean for 2yrs,i relapsed at a rate of 3times per year for 11years.
I functioned aok,heroin for a month and methadone detox for 2mnths.
Mortgage,investments and a wage to pay for lifestyle.
Clean for a year and half now,i have a drinking problem.
Drugs should be legalized!

 

[HappyPillz]

Brief Background
I thought this was my first post, but apparently, it's my 2nd,lol, After reading many stories from this thread, I just thought I had to share, because maybe it could help me or better yet help someone else. So, my addiction started in my college years. It was alcohol, never touched drugs, because I was really just too scared to. I just knew I'd be the chick that dropped dead from my first hit of cocaine. So, alcohol was just fine with me. I did AA, got sober for about a year, then went back, that was almost 14 years ago... So, during those 14 years, I had started taking pain pills (the ones I swore I'd never do) to help with some severe chronic back pain. And there it started... Vicodin was like water, but percocets....oh now that was my love! (this is why my username on here is "happypillz") When I finally 'figured out' what that 'high' that everyone talked about was, well, that was the beginning of the end for me and pain pills. Pretty much stopped alcohol (only on special occasions) just so I could enjoy the full feeling of my percs, soma and Xanax. Yep... added 2 more pills of choice to the list...(haven't gotten to the cocaine yet I've been on them now for a little over 8 years off and on. Finally about 5 years ago found a pain doctor that got me dilaudid, when I ended up in the emergency room with a sciatic nerve incident. Now I was in heaven, and the pain....ha, what pain?
Substance(s)
Alcohol, Oxy's, Soma, Xanax, Cocaine, Dilaudid, Hydrocodone, Codeine, Morphine – to sum it up, anything in pill form that gets me high, I’ll take it. Yep, that’s about the gist of it.
Duration of Addiction/Dependence
The last 3 years have been the worst for me. I started running out of my 30 day supply in 10 days... I was buying 'extra' pills from a friend to hold me over until I went to my doctor again. Of course, a 10-15 pill a day addiction is VERY, VERY EXPENSIVE (as some may or may not know). But when I would run out, I decided that the withdrawals were worse than my pain, so I'd pay whatever price I needed to stop them from taking over. The depression and RLS is the worst for me. I make a decent amount of money, but when you start missing car notes, house payments...etc...no amount of money can catch you up, because every little extra was going to my habit.
Then a friend introduced me to cocaine to help me stop the downs of the pills. I have to say, coke, is definitely not my drug of choice, but I started enjoying the process of snorting it... hence moving me to start snorting my oxy's and percocets. Now, that was something I thought I'd never do... but here we are. So, now we are adding some coke each month to my drug habit 'expenses.' And when I say it was costly, it was so much to the point that I was having sex with a man that would give me enough to cover what I needed if I was out. Mind you, I have a husband...so yeah, not good, not good at all. After the last time, I was literally sick to my stomach when I took the money. I didn't know who I was anymore. I just knew I had a habit that was taking me to a whole new level... and that level was not going to be anything nice. In fact, it was a shit storm, that I am not at all prepared for.
Fast move forward, the last few months I've been contemplating on getting off of this stuff... ALL OF IT! My son has begged me for years to stop, because his best friends dad died from overdosing on oxy's and my son said he has never been the same. He and I are very close, so I know what he is telling me... and my heart just aches about it.
Well be careful (or not-in this case), I say or not, because my pain management doctor just gave me my last 30 days of meds on Monday, saying that I violated my contract with them by getting another prescription filled by another doctor/dentist- which I knew I was doing when I did it, but I figured I would get away with it, because I had before with my 'wonderful' storytelling! Ha, nope, he said I had been warned before and the DEA doesn't care what my reasons were, therefore, DEUCES! When I heard that, why did I feel like someone just ripped out part of my soul? It was like someone told me I’m losing my only best friend, and I only have 30 days to enjoy them and find a new one.
Adverse Effects
So this is where I’m at right this very second...contemplating on getting another pain management doctor or just calling it quits once and for all. Of course, I'd love to tell you I'm 100% ready to be miserable for 7-10 days of withdrawals, in order to enjoy a lifetime of peace and sobriety...but I'd be lying to you if I did. It's such a horrible feeling, it really is. I know I'm not hopeless, but at the same time, my anxiety tells me I am. I literally have created a fear of living a life that I don't know if I can be happy without the assistance of some sort of substance. It's a furious fight that I battle every minute of each day...like now, I'm contemplating snorting a half a pill, just to see if I can get a quick rush. But just a minute ago, I was wondering what a day would be like with this fog lifted. I love when I read stories from recovering addicts about how nice it is to not walk around with that fogginess anymore...how beautiful that must be…
Warnings and Advice
I thought I'd be typing this and by the time I got to Warnings and Advice, I'd be ready to quit this fucked up roller coaster... but that’s not quite the case. So my warning and advice is as simple as many others have posted, Stay away... stay as far away from this shit as you can! Enjoy your 'fog free' life, take advantage of all the positives...and when you can't do that, please run to someone that can help you find your way again. I am believing that in the next 25 days, something will take a turn for me and I am hoping for the best. I don't know if it will be some rehab or retreat... but I do know I don't want it to be another doctor that will replenish my stash or spending an ass load of money to replenish it myself. Hopefully it's the first.
I’ve been in love with Bluelight since the day I first discovered it searching on "how to get the best high off of oxy's!!" Now after finally having the courage to actually share my story on here, I believe I will hit the search button for the Thomas Recipe, just in case…

 

[Gbong420]

Brief Background
I first started my use when I was in seventh grade, I was about 13 years old. It started with alcohol, I would fill up water bottles with orange juice and vodka and drink before school. I then started smoking marijuana in 8th grade and was a heavy user until recently. I did my first hit of lsd freshman year of high school. Thoughout my life so far dropped plenty of lsd, mushrooms etc, as far as psychdelics. Had about a year long opioid addiction senior of highschool oxys, and hydrocodone. Tried Mdma in freshman college, abused continued until about 2 year ago. Honnestly I have done a lot of substances and If i would list every detail it would not be brief. Anyway I'm here to tell you about my current problem about a drug that to me is hell on earth and Should have not fucked with. Amphetamines/ Methamphetamine.
Substance(s)
Currently I'm heavily addicted to adderall (dextroamp/ lamp) and have tried methamphetamine too, but due to source can not obtain. Otherwise I would be a meth addict. In the past I have abused benzos, Mdma, opiates. Many other things I'm just listed the most damaging.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence
I started my amphetamine abuse about 8 months ago and its been terrible since then. I orginally tried adderall in highschool, where 20mg would get me completely spun, and i would only do that every couple of weeks. Then I stopped until recently my fiance got a script for them. I started back up and would be doing 30mg lines, or taking 30 to 40mg sublingually and being tweeked and enjoying it. I realized it got out of hand in this past March. Like I said I started with 30mg dose and I'm now up to 200mg a day with some euphoria. Currently on 240mg of adderall and I feel like I need help but yet I don't want to stop. Literally the definition of addiction.. Anyway my methods of use are oral, sublingual, recally. I stopped snorting it because I realized it just wastes it and I can get much better effect when i take orally with baking soda, rectally gives me a rush with less side effects and sublingual is about the same as oral. My meth use was only for about a month when I bought a 6g off of deep web. I snorted it, but realized it was literally like snorting glass, so I switched to smoking it and I pluged it once. I felt very good while on meth but thankfully I had self control and did not want to purchase it anymore. I smoked it off of tin foil quite successfully and crave it like you would not believe... Adderall is literally hell..

Adverse Effects
I'm going to speak about the amphetamine abuse effects. The after withdrawl effects are: Depression, wake up tired, groggy thoughout whole day without amp, cravings,mild headache, stealing from fiance(betraying trust), no self control, muscle aches (like really bad painful), no motivation to do anything, rapid weight loss (have lost 35 pounds in about 9 months), slight increase with social anxiety.The effects during/comingdown: Rapid heartbeat(most bothersome), chills and tingling of fingers and legs due to vasoconstriction, teeth grinding ( My teeth are already fucked up, recently got them fixxed and I'm already started to notice decay from my use even though I brush and floss twice a day, chew sugarless gum, drink water and use biotene, amphetamines literally fuck your mouth up with abuse and I can't do shit about it), impulsive behavior such as redosing drinking alchohol, chronic masterbation. The postive effects are... slight eurphoria i guess and huge increase in energy, but like i said now without it i have no energy at all because I fucked my dopamine..
Warnings and Advice
My best Advise to whoever reads my ramblings is not to get to where I am right now, amphetamines are nothing to fuck around with, I completely underestimated the power of this CNS and desperately need to get clean for my family. If you do use methamp or dexamp recreationally my advice is not to completely abuse the shit out of it like I did and currently doing, Give your brain time to replenish dopamine so your receptors don't complete downregulate like mine. Take supplements for general heath and brain health. Overall just don't get addicted to amphetamines.

Miscellaneous
I forgot to mention my doses of adderall to get me to my tolerance now 200mg avg most days. I started at 30-50mg a day for the first couple of months with good effects, realized i was not achieving the high i wanted. Increase to about 80mg, a month after i was at 100-120mg, another month came i was at 150, and now here I am and im at 200mg of adderall a day completely retarded but yet still continue to do this to myself. When I did meth I didn't have a mg scale so obviously eyeballed like most people I probably smoked about 50-60mg hits every 4 hours. Strong rushing and euphoria something i could not achieve on adderall thus why i liked meth more, but had common since due to meth being more neurotoxic... Even though doing 200mg of dexamp im sure is neurotoxic as well.

 

[Gbong420]

I realize I had only been addicted for only about a years time. It just shows how fast a drug can take over ones mind and jump for theraputic doses to extremely high doses in the matter of months, believe me it wasn't hard to get my tolerance cranked up

 

[Outermostline]

Luckily I haven't ever held onto a physical addiction or been addicted to the point that I experienced serious withdrawl effects.
I was on the brink of cocaine addiction a few months ago. I don't know what it is about it but it's the only drug I haven't been able to have self-control over. Sniffed 1g of fishscale on avg pretty much every day for several weeks and it had already taken a toll on my nose, heart, sleep schedule and eating habits, as well as my motivation and psychological state when I wasn't high, not to mention all that cash wasted. Thank god I never had the desire to try crack or IVing. The day I decided to quit snorting cold turkey was probably the most important life decision I've made in a long time.
Crazy because I'm able to use drugs that are considered much more addictive without feeling the need to use them every single day I have them; opiates, benzos, even other uppers like speed. I don't even enjoy the yay high much especially with my psychological tolerance making it feel more speedy and less euphoric every time I would do it. I've always been a downer and cannabis guy.
I guess I don't have much expertise in this area but all I have to say as a warning is it takes a great deal of self-control to continue using coke recreationally. Same goes for any powerful stimulant or depressant. Now that I have a good deal of experience with most of them I understand why drugs that affect your dopamine and norepinephrine are the most addictive; not just because of our brain chemistry, but also because they all provide the best highs.

 

[aplumgirl]

Brief Background

My father was an alcoholic. My brothers and I ate sweets for the emotional pain. I got fat. Everyone smoked cigarettes then. I smoked my first one at around 12. This was 1965. I hated what alcohol did to my father but I started drinking beer at 14 anyway.

We sniffed Weldwood glue out of plastic bags so it wouldn't dry as fast. All the kids did it and the local hardware store always ran out. One of my buddies, Wayne, fried his brain after sniffing only a month. Hard alcohol made me crazy.

I was a smart, talented kid who sang, made up stories, and could memorize anything. I couldn't wait to get laid and had low self-esteem. Here is a section from "Fiasco!", my autobiography.

This was my first time doing narcotics of any kind (at age 17) :

************************************************************************************

[Fiasco - Pages 72-74]

So Stupid.

One day, feeling particularly low, I visited Ralph Jones in his cellar, My Joint. Of course, he was a likable idiot and OD'd and died in 1977. I think, “Good riddance,” because he was the one who first shot me up with heroin. All of my family and especially my ex-wife, Jennifer, hated and thoroughly resented the drug people I hung around with.

Make no mistake, I started of my own volition but it did not end up that way.

When I walked into his cellar, the first thing I noticed was this sexy chick. Her name was Linda and she was lying on one of the couches, half-dressed and very stoned. Joe Walsh was singing Garden Gate with the James Gang:

[/IMG]

Well I’m sittin’ in the middle of a story would you
Like to read my line?
Sippin’ on a Morning Glory would you
Like to taste my wine?

“Hey, Mikie,” Ralph began. “Wanna shot of this stuff?” He was scratching his face quite a bit as he said the words, in a lower register, haltingly. There was nothing friendly about it. Druggies just need another sucker. They need someone to rip off or help pay the freight. When I think about it now, and I hardly think about it at all, Ralph was the devil incarnate.

This Linda, not my girlfriend Linda, was so out of it and stoned that she would have sex with anybody. Thankfully, I never sampled her wares but her sexiness added to the attraction.

Part of the lure of chemical addiction is the fantasy. But the fantasy never matches the reality. At first, it's sweet.
I was ready. “Just don’t give me too much, Ralph. I don’t want any problems, blah, blah. Joe Walsh didn’t stop singing and for some reason, Garden Gate was playing over and over.

Don’t forget to tell the sun
I sleep through the day
See him when the morning comes
Everything’s OK!

“Roll up your sleeve. I’m just gonna give you a skin shot so it won’t be too much. Are you ready?”
“Uh, no,” I said but stuck out my arm anyway. He didn’t clean the area but plunged the needle into my arm and shot the stuff in.

Captain’s in the chart room, navigating on a star
Can’t know where we’re going ‘cause he don’t know where we are

“Now you gotta wait a bit. Maybe 5 minutes.”

Don’t you think I don’t know how to tell the time?
Can’t you see you can’t sell me something that is mine?

The five minutes passed. I felt nothing and told Ralph. He said, “I guess you need a mainline shot. Wanna try?”

“OK,” I said as I watched him dump some heroin into a spoon. I had no knowledge or overdoses or infections. Then, he tied off a vein and injected the heroin. This time, I got an immediate jolt. “Holy shit!”

The dog is outside barking, something he can’t see
The garden gate is closing

The rush ended in a few minutes and euphoria like I’d never known set in and the world was beautiful. Ralph was beautiful. The nodding chick on the couch was beautiful.

And, best of all, I was beautiful. I don’t remember what happened the rest of that day, but the Garden Gate was certainly closed. That part of my life was over, and I was in for something that I couldn’t imagine in my wildest dreams.

**********************************************************************

End of Background.

I will get to the rest of these categories at another time. Mikie

Your writing is beautiful man. It's a story were are familiar with, in some way or another, on this site.

Best of luck to you.

 

[BeenLostSoLong]

Lost

I don't even know where to begin as I sit here day 4 wd from oxycontin 10mg 1-day and 10/325 hydro 4 times daily. All prescribed. Then when I run out, oxy 30's 2/day. A habit I have fought with nearly 9 years. I don't take 4 whole pills I take 8 halfs. Even worse. BeacuE I am forever either thinking about pr taking one. All started with both of my addict parents who abandoned me dad age 2 and mom age 7. I was raised by a neighbor. Then met my abusive ex who used to get them for me when I was 17. We were together 11 years. He was addicted to weed, pills, them evenetually coke. I finally broke free from that hell and met an amazing man.
Fast forward to now. I have selfishly gotten my fiance on pills. So he could find them for me. So he could enable me. I am so tired. I fear even now that because this is only for lack of supply that I will jump right back into the falsy healing arms of opiates as soon as my dr appt next week. Please help me.

 

[BeenLostSoLong]

I feel like I am fooling myself every month into thinking, I can make these stretch, I can take as prescribed. I don't "look like the avg druggie" to all the ignorant people out there who don't know about all of us hughly functioning addicts. Although it is hitting a point where I am choosing to buy pills instead of making a car payment or pay a bill. Ugggh I am so in over my head and hate myself everyday for my choices but if I could choose right now I would be swalloing a roxy 20 to make all my fears and pains go away. For now.

 

[Squizz1985]

Brief Background

I started using drugs when I was 13. I distinctly remember drinking my first full glass of wine when I was six. I can point to two seperate instances that really screwed me up as a kid: 1)I was sexually abused by a babysitter when I was five. It went on for months, and her kids knew what was going on. They in turn, would beat me up when she wasn't around. It wasn't a full-on molestation, but let's put it this way: I would never dream of touching someone else's kids like that. 2)Basically the same thing happened when I was 8, except this time it was a relative of mine. Again, not a full-on molestation, but not "normal" by any means. Needless to say, it really screwed up my trust system. My dad giving me booze at a very early age probably didn't help much, either.

Substance(s)

Basically everything that will get you intoxicated. I've even drank mouthwash. I was mostly hooked on alcohol and cocaine though.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

I would say I was hooked from 18 until 27, when I went clean.

Adverse Effects

Where do I begin? I OD'd twice, lost numerous jobs, relationships, detox 3x, rehab twice. Jail, DUI, you name it.

Warnings and Advice

Just be forewarned: When you get involved with drugs, you get involved with the "underworld", and that can lead to all sorts of problems. Having a criminal record was HELL for me. I literally felt like I was cursed. I couldn't get a decent job for the life of me. Not to mention all the physical problems, etc. I wouldn't tell someone not to use drugs, but I would say don't abuse them.

Miscellaneous

I should also mention, I was stabbed nine times (yes at once) and numerous OTHER things happened to me. But I'm very happy to say, I haven't used street drugs or alcohol since Nov. 25th 2012. That being said, I still use Ephedrine daily, and take Zopiclone daily as well. I've also taken PEDs, and codeine. So I'm not 100% clean, but I'm a helluva' lot better off than I was before. I'm not driving around with a brick of coke in my trunk for $250 thinking I was getting a deal. No legal problems, no gf problems, I have a trade, family life is good...........life is good in general. But it wasn't easy getting here. Pain is the price of admission when it comes to getting cleaned up. Some days, it's STILL hard for me not to drink, and that's almost four years later! But it is a lot easier, that's for sure. If you need help, go get it. I did, and because of that, I'm still alive.

There it is. If you read this, and need help or advice, I'd be glad to help. Just shoot me a PM. -Matt