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Harm Reduction ⫸Personal Accounts of Addiction: What's YOUR Story?⫷

Brief Background

I was born in Ukraine. My dad ran a lot of schemes to make money but never had much of success, this lead to him binge drinking for months at a time. Followed by 6-8months of clean periods. My mom was just a regular person, a teacher in the USSR days, a businesswoman after the fall of the Soviet Union. My family legally relocated to the US when I was 12. This was a hard period for me. I wasn't liked very much in school and regularly made fun of. My parents worked very hard to provide for me and my sister, and were never home. My dad still binge drank. The whole relocation had a negative effect on me. The fact that my dad was never there in the old country or here made me shy and uncertain in everything I ever did.

Substance(s)

My main addiction were and are opiates, any opiates. Secondary, benzos. Coke, Crack, and Amphetamines were for partying. I no longer do anything but opiates.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

I started with weed at 14, from there on I tried some pills, the usual things like hyrdocodone, codeine, and lean. Didn't really fall in love with opiates at that point. At 15 I tried some coke, nothing too impressive I thought. But then I tried some xanax with coke at once, and there was my first love. At 16 I tried heroin, smoking it. I wasn't impressed but it around all the time and I did a lot of it. I got clean for a while after that, I started dealing with depression and decided to quit everything. The period of being clean was brief, and when I started up again. I started up with percocets and hydros and this time around I felt like I found what I was missing, it was blissful. From there it progressed to OCs, and China White Heroin. Eventually the amount of money I was spending on drugs were massive, I was selling things out of my parents' house. This resulted in me getting onto the Methadone Maintenance, for a while I was doing ok. But some personal teenage heartbreak and losing a lot of my friends set me off. From here on out it got really dark, I'd dose at the clinic, then score benzos and spend my days nodding off. Weekends consisted of crack binges. My parents were freaking out, rightfully so. I gave it another try at getting clean, got down to 21mg of methadone and got onto suboxone. I wasn't ready to be clean, and continued eating xanax like candy and doing a lot of coke. My parents suggested a year long in patient, faith based treatment across the country. With nothing to lose, I went. It was one of the best decisions of my life. I was clean for 3 years until I started up again on poppy seed tea, which is what I'm battling and trying to quit at the moment.

Adverse Effects

Trash sick from not knowing how to shoot up properly. OD on fentanyl patches. No one trusts you. People look at you as a joke. Dealing with the beast for the rest of your life.

Warnings and Advice


My advice is one none of the kids take. Don't do it. It's only fun for a little, but the struggle is life long if you end getting addicted. No matter how badass and smarter than X you think you are, you're not.
 
Brief Background

In middle school I was curious about drugs, smoked a lot of weed even though it made me paranoid.. did mushrooms, ecstacy, speed occasionally. drank when possible. I guess the first drug I tried was cigarettes (I recently just quit after over 10 yrs thanks to the newfangled e-cig! If you consider that quitting.) I swore I would never try heroin because one of my parents was a junkie for years and as a small child I went to A LOT of NA meetings. It scared me until... it didn't anymore.

Anyway, I moved in high school to a suburban town and all the fun kinda stopped.. I was very lonely and it took a couple years to make any friends. My senior year (I think) I snorted heroin for the first time with my two best friends. They would only let me have a little bit.. one of them was pretty heavy into it and when I sought it out years later, she was the first person I went to. Then forgot about it for a few years.. Went to college, did well, moved to Brooklyn, and all hell broke loose...

I was incredibly depressed and lonely. I had gone thru a bad breakup and my two closest friends from college had left. I knew my old friend from HS could help me get heroin so I reached out to her. I was desperate and I knew what I was getting myself into. That was the first time I shot up and it quickly went from an occasional thing to an everyday thing. I reconnected with my ex and his gf at the time (who was also my friend) and it turned out they were doing it too so I started spending a lot of time with them. it would've been too hard to be around them if it weren't for the drugs. But heroin made it all okay. No more bad feelings, no more loneliness. At least not when I was high.. Things got very complicated/messy between the three of us.. I started sleeping with my ex. Whenever I'd go over to their place, I felt like I was intruding. Sometimes my ex would tell me to leave, but his gf would insist I stay. It was an emotional hell and eventually even the heroin couldn't make it bearable. So I moved far far away from them and got clean for a few months (I dabbled in other drugs but nothing really interested me).... And then they caught up to me. My ex moved an hour away from me. Then his gf came to visit and we went out together to cop. That was the end part 2 and it started about a year ago. And I'm only just now dealing with that.

Substance(s)

I've tried most commonly available drugs (weed, mushrooms, e, coke, crack, various opiates depending on what I could get my hands on). Once my friend got hold of an iv bag of morphine from her job. never tried acid, just not interested. Once I found heroin, I knew it was for me. Everything else paled in comparison.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

I guess I've been addicted to heroin on and off for about three years. Mostly on. I managed to stay clean for a few months when I moved across country but where there's a will there's a way..

Adverse Effects

Lost some really good friends who got fed up with me lying about my problem to them. The guilt of lying to family in order to get money from them for drugs. Also the guilt of selling things that were given to you by friends or family.. Losing all ambition, having every day be devoted solely to how to fund yr drug problem/sleeping all day and feeling like a pile of garbage when you wake up at 5pm and it's already dark. Forgetting how to eat like a human being and surviving off candy and soda and cigarettes. Going thru withdrawal (duh). Being perpetually constipated and losing any semblance of a sex drive.

Warnings and Advice

Obviously, my advice to anyone curious about heroin is stay away at all costs. I myself did it once and then forgot about it for a couple years.. so I know it's possible to just try it once. But I'm pretty sure if I had done it twice this whole fucking mess would've started a couple years earlier. Don't bother just trying it once; it'll just make you sick anyways. Don't fool yourself into thinking you're different than anyone else. I thought no one understood me and the world sucked and the only thing to numb the pain of living in this world was to get high, but guess what? there are tons of people who feel that way and your problems aren't special. so don't bother rationalizing it. It's a weak choice to make, to choose to get high instead of dealing with your problems. And like others have already said, heroin will not fix your problems, only put them on hold until they come back with a vengeance. I'm still struggling to really come to terms with this. I guess everyone wants to believe they're special. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed reading other people's stories, and they are unique. But the excuses addicts make to justify their addiction are all pretty common. I've lived a functional life for most of the time I've been addicted, but that in no way makes it okay. Just because my friends and family don't know what's going on, doesn't mean I have it "under control" and I'm definitely not living up to my potential.
 
I feel like I got to share, so I will bore you with my full history of doing drugs starting at like 13 with cannabis and tobacco - but lets get into this later, fast forward today I am a polydrug user with a heavy opiate addiction.

Brief Background

When I was shipped off to boarding school with 14 I was smoking weed several times a week as well as do DXM with N2O at least once a week. With 16 I dropped my first E and a few months later dropped out of boarding school, went home and barely managed highschool. I was smoking at least 2g of weed per day, doing amphetamine almost daily and the weekends were filled with very hard E binges.

Anyway, managed to do an apprenticeship over 3 years going on like this during which I decided doing more with my life. The decision was to study Pharmacy for which I had to take evening classes after my apprenticeship over the course of 3 years.

First addiction and recovery


I got heavily into GHB and became physically addicted, tried to ween myself off a few times but ended up with staying hooked on G plus a benzo habit set in. Managed to get clean after about 8 months into it and got very decent A levels, so I started to study Pharmacy.

Drugs taken until then

LSD, Mushrooms, MDMA, Amphetamine, Weed, N2O, DXM, various Benzos, GHB/GBL, DMT

2 and a half years into Pharmacy I realized I would not be able to get a degree and got into some more exotic research chemicals (too many to mention) but settled with smoking cocaine freebase and meth while using benzos to come down.

Last chapter - opiates...


When benzos did no longer any good for coming down from my very frequent meth and crack binges I turned to Oxycodone. My dutch supplier of coke started giving me free samples of heroin, coz I was a damn good client. I realized how expensive the Oxy had become and started snorting the heroin, took just a few months from there until the meth and coke binges stopped and I became a heavy heroin user - still was smoking the h then.
About 8 months into my heroin addiction I started injecting. Did a speedball here and there, too - still do.

I got into methadone maintenance, was given 120mg/d - when I was switched to bupe a few months back the heroin use started again. I swallow it so the heroin works. Doing coke along heroin quite often. I will detox and go into therapy in about 2 months and have decided to write a daily journal there - Are you folks interested in reading?

Conclusion


So I failed my pharmacy degree but managed to change my studying course to Biology taking a sick semester for therapy atm. I have tried more drugs than would ever fit into any assessment form in any clinic and I am not just interested in them recreationally but also for scientific reasons. It were the opiated that broke my neck. Now I am trying to get back on track - ironically nodding while typing this.

Please excuse grammar and spelling; I am not a nativ.
 
Hey guys and girls. I literally just created an account here. I've been browsing threw BlueLight for a year or two now for information on pills. Let me start off by saying I am a recovering drug addict. My DOCs were Focalin, Adderall, Ritalin, Xanax, and Kolopins. I actually went to rehab for 30 days in day than to a half way house for another 30 days than 6 more weeks of extended out paitent while living in a sober house. I am currently out of my sober house and living with my girlfriend. After nearly a year of being off all A.D.H.D medications, which I was diagnosed at the age of 14, I am now back on them as well as Xanax. However, I do tend to take more than I should but never like I did before due to the fact I would lose my girlfriend, my mom would be devastated and everything will be gone. Currently, I take 30mg of Ritalin LA (which I do NOT like. Soon to be back on Focalin) .5mg of Xanax up to three times daily as needed. It's going pretty good. Once was taking nearly 10 pills a day to keep be going and to put me to sleep. My mood is overall good. 8 outta 10 days my mood is zombie like with the Ritalin LA but Focalin XR works better for me. Once my insurance approves of it.

Just wanted to share my very short story. Of course there is a lot more details but that's for a different time. Also wanted to say hey to everyone and glad there is a place out there for people to share there stories.
 
Brief Background

Male, Mid 20's.

Since 14 I started experimenting with drugs, starting with weed. At 16 I went to my first raves and took E, MDMA, and speed. From there I started to mix ketamine with MDMA, eventually cutting the MDMA out and exploring the introspective properties of the drug. I had a slight problem with this, like I wouldn't go for a night out if I couldn't get any K, but this quickly passed. Since then I occasionally take high quality cocaine, but due to its extortionate price, I don't use it very often.

I've been clinically depressed for the last 9 years and have received anti depressants and various forms of counselling I didn't find helpful. I eventually settled on taking Mirtazapine daily. A friend recommended benzos to me when my anxiety got worse about 4 years ago. I started on Etizolam, and was then eventually prescribed Diazepam. Due to a slightly older doctor, in a rural location, I was given an open ended prescription, starting with 2's, then 5's, then 10's, 56 tablets every two weeks, one to be taken daily.


I was happy to start with, then started saving some to take all at once, then started drinking (after a while heavily) on them. When the buzz from that died, I started obtaining them illicitly. Sampling pretty much every commonly know benzo in the UK and the States.


Substance(s)

Benzos - mainly UK sourced (prescription) Diazepam, but I had a long stretch taking Alprozam.




Duration of Addiction/Dependence


I've been addicted to benzos for 3 years, with that slowly building up. In my last 6 months I was taking 200 - 250 mg of Diazepam a day, with booze. My final dose was 300 mg and a bottle of whiskey, consumed in about 15 minutes.


Adverse Effects


I blacked out a lot, couldn't remember a lot of things. Woke up with cuts and bruises, had no idea how I got home. Lost my driving license, Near as damn it ruined my career.


Just after Christmas, I was rushed to A & E, after purposely taking an absurd amount of diazepam and drinking a bottle of whiskey as fast as I could. This was the first and only time I felt like I didn't want to wake up, although I can give no real reason as to why. I didn't want to live that life anymore I guess, and wanted to die. On awakening in hospital, the doctors couldn't believe the amounts I was claiming to be taking, and thought what I was saying was wasted rubbish. I pleaded with them to take me seriously and let me speak to someone about my problem, but in hindsight I might not of made much sense. After some tests I was discharged, but having taken all of my "stash" on the night in question, and with no way to get any more, I had a seizure some days later. After that they started listening, and on my second discharge from hospital, I was put in contact with a new doctor, and a drug advisor.




Warnings and Advice


Don't combine CNS depressant, look for signs of addiction. Are you taking your prescribed medication in ways not advised by the doctor? Are you having to order it illicitly? It's hard to spot these things, I know.

If you are going to experiment with pharmaceutical drugs recreationally, just be extra vigilant and get as much information as you can.
Addiction is hell.


Miscellaneous


Please get in touch if you want any help, my taper is now down to 18 mg of Diazepam a day, and it started in January. To be honest, I would really like to talk to other people about this, as I've kept a lot of the issues involved with this bottled up.
 
Brief Background

I'm a Comedian and Writer that was born and raised in New York City and still live and work there. I'm an actual fucking EMPLOYED Comedian and Writer and work as a writer for a television network that is headquartered out in Los Angeles but has an "outpost" out here in NYC. I'm not a "bold faced name" but well known in the comedy community and entertainment i...oh fuck it, who gives a shit.. I make just about enough money to support my 8 year + going strong heroin habit, barely afford rent in Manhattan, snack, support a social life for my amazing girlfriend and I and make sure my drug dealer's car payments are in on time.

Substance(s)

HEROIN. and cocaine when I can afford it. I'm sure all my fellow functional and employed Heroin Addicts can attest to the feeling like it's X Mas morning over and over again when that PAYDAY comes around and how much your dealer's red JEEP resembles Santa's sleigh when you finally catch sight of it by chance during your 115th walk to the window to peer through the blinds. I'm also some of you can attest to the feeling like its a Holocaust Day of Observation on that Sunday immediately proceeding that PAYDAY Friday in which the only way to celebrate is by finding brand new ways for your face to express WONDER after peering into your empty wallet.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

On July 22, 2014 it will be OFFICIALLY 9 years that I have been using Heroin. I fell into a strong love with Opiates in 2000 when I was straight out of Senior Year of High School. I was a wonderful drinker at that time. When my best friend KASH started interning at his sister's pharmacy during the summer and walked out every day with POCKETS FULL of Vicodin and Percocet and consumed my very first one I then found myself turning down a beer for the first time. I wanted to continue doing things the way I do them at the party BUT ON THESE PILLS, not funneling MD 20/20.

My friend's DAILY escape from that pharmacy with at least 40 pills a day continued from the year 2000 to 2004. I still to this day DO NOT KNOW how the fuck his sister didn't find herself among sudden legal problems or notice that her pharmacy's Family Size bottle of Vicodin lost a lot of weight within a week and a half. My friend only worked when he had a break from college so I patiently waited for his employment starting in the summer and sometimes around Christmas and Early Spring. I didn't favor one painkiller over another. I was disciplined then. I'd pick up my daily dose of pills from my friend and then set about onto the streets of New York City with only a pen, scrap paper, empty stomach and a bottle of water. I would time myself from the time I swallowed the pills to the time I would get hit. Then I would WRITE and WRITE while walking. I had certain routes. If I swallowed my pills at Washington Square Park then I would get hit with my embracing Vicodin high right around the Bowery and Houston Street. During the big east coast Blackout of 2003 I actually got hit at the exact moment the lights went back on on the Eastern side of Manhattan. When my friend went back to school he left me with a significant stash that would last me a couple days. By the end of the summer of 2004 I was swallowing up to 14-15 ten milligram Vicodin pills or 14 5 milligram Oxycodones. You have to realize that these pills were filled out with about 500 mg Acetaminophen (Tylenol, Paracetamol for you Europeans), and I was taking these on an empty stomach. My family's history of strong livers most definitely did NOT skip a generation on ME. I do not know how I didn't get sick from taking those slowly building amounts EVERY day for 3 months.

When my friend went back home my grandmother conveniently became ill with what was to be the LONGEST fucking slow death you could imagine. From 2004-2006 my grandmother straight up refused to pass away and suffered tremendously. My Mother also suffered as she had to find some way to both hold a full time job AND care for my grandmother. While my grandmother refused to die she also refused to take her many medications which overstayed their welcome near her hospital bed in my mother's living room and I played the Good Samaritan and relieved her bedside table of the extra weight they created and swiftly introduced those bottles to the ample room on a table of mine. To my horror her stash contained Percocet, Temazepam, Xanax, Tramadol and Valium. The bottles were full. The bottles were empty by the end of the next week.

My thirst for opiates strengthened my con-artistry to levels that would impress the Madoffs. When I didn't have any more pills I became a very concerned grandson and caretaker who suggested very strongly that my Mother call the doctor at once to renew my grandmother's prescriptions for her. When the next script was gone I had my mother call OTHER doctors...including my Mother's own gynecologist because my grandmother needed these things to survive. In all honesty having my grandmother consume all the Vitamin C and B12 pills that I replaced her real pills with actually made my grandmother stronger and delayed her passing even more. The longer she stayed the longer the list of Doctors grew that I manipulated my Mother into going to.

A chance visit to a friend of a friend's house in 2004 is where I discovered 80 mg of Oxycontin. I was doing amazing amounts of cocaine and asked this friend of my friend if he had anything to come down with. For free he produced this little pill that would give me the same high I was getting from swallowing 16 Percocets. And the pill didn't have the Acetaminophen that was bitch-slapping my liver for years. AND IT FELT AMAZING WITH COCAINE.

I was now finding myself actually SPENDING money on drugs instead of getting them from my best friend for free. He couldn't steal the 80 mg Oxy's because he didn't have the special key to the narcotic drawer at the pharmacy that they kept locked. Through that friend of my friend's who quickly became my friend I started buying those 80's in BULK. And taking them all. Same discipline. I still find books and pieces of scrap paper today with diagrams and pie-charts (actually pill-charts) laying out my daily dosing for the week ahead after scoring. Those charts which told me how many pills to take on that day showcased that thing that would haunt me in later years, which is now: TOLERANCE. From having one 80 mg pill listed first for a Monday that end of the week showed that 2 80 mg pills were now needed to be taken. I actually flew down to my friend Kash's house in Davie, Florida 3 times in 2005 to purchase 80's in bulk because of the scarcity back home in NYC. I got ripped off by the same guy down there that sold them to me without incident the first and second time. We set his car on fire the night I left for NYC. It took me a long time to realize why he beat me that last time: he finally got a taste of what he was selling.

Out of money and pissed upon returning to NYC I found myself at my good childhood friend Dash's house one summer night. Complaining about wasting a plane ride down to Florida to only get beat and return with no pills at all, he pointed to a couple white objects on the table in front of us. "You might wanna try that then" --- I knew what that THAT was because he had been using Heroin for some time. I just never got around to trying it because I was so occupied with my pills and my flip charts. He gave me a pea-sized bump of New York City heroin to sniff. I waited. He waited, expecting to watch me get sick with amusement but it did nothing. I took the rest of the bag. He sat in amazement after I said that 80 mg's of Oxycontin did more for me.

I didn't like Heroin at first because it didn't seem strong enough. I DID find myself nodding out like I did on a couple of 80's. It finally dawned on me that it was getting harder and harder to procure the pills I loved. Heroin was a lot cheaper than the pills and accessible pretty much all the time around Dash and his crew. So I started doing Heroin. On payday weekends and maybe once TOPS during the week. I had my friend Dash cop for us most of the time. Sometimes his dealers would drive the drugs over. When Dash wasn't around I went through my other friend Anthony. He owed Loansharks THOUSANDS and I owed myself some research time trying to verify if Loansharks actually still fucking existed. Soon he owed me money and because I was so stupid about dope at this point in my Life Anthony was ripping me off at the same time I was treating him to dope. Dash came from a very wealthy family..so I never payed for Heroin around him. I didn't know how much it cost. Anthony told me ONE BAG was 17 dollars..I didn't believe it at first, but he assured me this was because the dealer was driving it over to us. So while these bags really cost about $6 or $10 a bag in reality he was skimming 7 bucks off me in addition to snorting the couple of bags I'd throw him for free so he would be able to have SOMETHING to flash in front of his Loanshark's debt collectors to distract them while attempting to break a femur.

2 bags of dope would have me feeling amazing, nodding, scratching and later sleeping for 28 hours. Heroin made me hyper...not tired. I got delirious with joy on it and stayed up to unspeakable hours of the night doing ballet moves around my bewildered cats and then later nod out standing up and wake up just in time to break my fall into my television.

Anthony got locked up due to his mother calling the Police and alerting them to where her son would be with the drugs he was doing and selling. It was the only way she could attempt to clean him up. That meant I had to clean up. But I didn't have the time for that, I was too busy trying to make SOME kind of name for myself performing and writing at this age of 24. The doorman at my Mother's building in Jersey City was tight with me for years and he was Black and lived in Newark. He also did a lot of coke around this time and it was the really ghetto coke that came in little vials but was good. One night I asked him if he could get me Heroin. If he did I would throw him some extra cash when I could for being a courier for me.

He agreed.

Soon my payday weekends were spent waiting for him to start his shift at Midnight. He had my dope on him and I couldn't tell you the excitement I felt in those minutes starting at 11:32 pm til 12. I would get myself so excited I'd throw up. I couldn't wait sometimes so I started walking towards the train station he came in on around 11:43 in hopes of catching him on the way. Then I'd walk back to the building with him and run upstairs and get off. Things rapidly changed over the years leading up to 2011. I found that my friend and doorman, while not a junkie at all, was also ripping me off somehow. My tolerance grew over the years to the point where I was sniffing a BUNDLE (10 bags of heroin) all at ONCE to get off. What the doorman didn't tell me was that I was wrong when assuming that a whole bundle was really $100 each. I'd buy 20 bundles and hand him $200 and an extra $50 for his shipping and handling. I DIDN'T know what a bundle was really varied in price from around $50-$70 each in NJ. Sort of a little wholesale deal. So he was pocketing the extra $30 or $60 on top of the extra I was giving him.

What opened up my eyes was the truth from my friend KASH, remember him?, when he arrived back to NYC from Florida addicted to both heroin and crack cocaine (without that pHd he went down there for) and told me that I was being ripped off and his dealer only charged $50 a bundle for the same heroin stamp that was around Newark. And his dealer drove and was local. No more venturing out to Newark, NJ or Jersey City where I'd wait until Midnight for my fix... Having this huge convenience within my hands led to a further descent into the early stages of addiction. At some point in 2009 I began a relationship with a girl that I would later marry and divorce within a 2 year time span. She wasn't a fan off drugs at all. I became so unhappy with the way my career wasn't going at the time and wasn't happy in my marriage, especially after she stopped having sex with me because of some "flashback" to a rape that occurred to her before we met, so I did more Heroin. But this time I wasn't making charts or even writing ANYTHING on it...I began making a party for myself when I discovered how AWESOME cocaine was with heroin. Not speedballing...I wasn't shooting yet...but doing both within the same time period, which for me was 3 or 4 days straight. I created an impressive amount of comedy and writing work during this coke and dope addled peroid while my marriage was falling apart. At some point in 2012 I noticed that after 7 years of chipping and doing Heroin once every two weeks which slowly built up to once every OTHER day, I started showing signs of withdrawal symptoms.

It was another surprise visit from my friend KASH early 2013 that once again moved me into another level. This time he came back sporting track marks. It repulsed me at first, but of course I was going to try it. I had been doing Heroin longer than him...and could ingest amazing amounts and would be considered a Professional by seasoned users..HOW DARE HE START SHOOTING UP HEROIN BEFORE ME. We ended up at some black crackhead lady's place. Penny was her name and her official court records would show that she was about 47 years old but really, really appeared to be 83. Her appearance rivaled Chet Baker's and whatever was going on in her mouth didn't improve the situation on her face. KASH began hanging out with Penny after meeting her on the street looking for someone with a hookup to cop for him. Crackheads are like Filipinos and Fraternity Alumni...they are amazingly "cliquey" and who knew that crack was such a social drug? I didn't touch crack. I knew I'd like it and didn't need to be spending my days trying to keep up with TWO addictions. She liked me right away, which meant that she gave me little bumps of whatever Heroin her personal dealer was supplying that week. While KASH and Penny smoked their crack and I played with Penny's cat NuNu, KASH begain fixing up a syringe with his Heroin in it and got off like a pro. I wanted to do this now. He fixed me up in her bathroom. As soon as whatever was in the plunger went into my arm I walked out of the bathroom and didn't feel a fucking thing. What a ripoff! Thinking that the rush was instant I walked towards the kitchen chair to sit and wallow in disspapointment when all of a sudden this wave that felt like getting a $25 Foot Massage from Jesus. I only had him shoot me with 2 or 3 bags in a time when I was SNIFFING 10 at once in order to feel anything. I felt this and from that day forward I told myself that if shooting this stuff could make 3 BAGS feel better than snorting 10 then consider me an INTRAVENOUS DRUG USER.

I first shot myself up successfully in May of 2013. In a very quick series of events 3 bags weren't doing it for me anymore. Within a week and a half I found myself shooting 10 BAGS at once. My wife left for Los Angeles and basically told me that when she returned in September she would like to be no longer married to me anymore. She didn't know I was doing drugs basically every day during the past 2 years of our marriage and still doesn't. You couldn;t tell I was on Heroin anytime past 2009. I realized that because that was around the time that I had to start taking it to feel normal. Apparently LOOKING normal applies to that too.

Amazingly throughout this time I somehow squeezed in my Career with the crowded room in my head that only contained one other patron: the constant need and search of Heroin to do that day. I analyzed how motivated I got in search of money for drugs and how far I would go to get it and how good I was at all of that. I sat back and saw that I could apply that same motivation and con-skill and sheer WILLPOWER to the struggle for a career. My Comedy and Writing and Performing asipirations never took a back seat during the darkest time with Heroin so I lucked out. Those same skills got me to certain places I never thought I'd reach...talent-wise and employment wise. The thing is with Heroin is that you use it when you have an excuse to use it..misery, depression, etc. But you also use Heroin when everything in the world is fucking RIGHT..but the natural high from knowing that ain't shit and you need to celebrate. Heroin was just not leaving my Life. It never got me arrested. It never talked back. It never made me want to steal from my family. I WOULD steal from other people that didn't mean much to me though..and a lot of BAD CHECKS were written.

I'm still using Heroin. Not as much as last year when I was in the midst of a full blown HABIT..but I just needed to get to a place where I could still use but not be constantly on the verge of withdrawals. My plan was killing the habit and get back to chipping. I still love the drug. A junkie's promise ain't worth shit even if it was 3 times distilled, but I have this distant promise to myself to stop using altogether on July 22, 2015...my 10 year anniversary.

Long term relationships can wear out anyone from the constant attempt at keeping everything together. They can be volatile. They can be beautiful. They can be boring. They could be disastrous. They can be violent. But consequences from my long term relationship with dope never scared me because at the end of the night I just sit back and realize one thing:

IT'S NOTHING BUT A FIRST MARRIAGE.

Adverse Effects

SEE ABOVE RAMBLING DRIPPINGS

Warnings and Advice

Put away your Kurt Cobain, Brad Nowell, Janis Joplin, Nikki Sixx posters away for a minute and realize that I find nothing wrong with romanticizing the culture surrounding Heroin use. But at the same time think really hard for a minute about reality here. If you have a mind for math ask yourself WHAT ARE YOUR CHANCES IN HELL OF BEING ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE ON THOSE POSTERS? Ask yourself if any of those people on those posters, despite having more money than you, suffered just as hard as the homeless heroin addict on the street with the pain of withdrawals, the effects from bridges burned, depression and fear of a life without the drug and the hollowness you feel when NO AMOUNT of Heroin seems to work anymore. Ask yourself how Heroin will get you to those places the people on those posters reached (and ask yourself to repeat that last sentence 5 times fast for a little extra fun treat from moi). Ask yourself if you have the strength to wake up and workout a gameplan for how you're going to get that money for your next fix, what dealer might be able to get you on credit for a day and if you have the patience to deal with the non-stop calls from that OTHER DEALER that you owe for the dope he gave you on CREDIT the day before. There's not ONE glamorous junkie on this planet and there never was. Anyone that went down that path either lost it all or retained it but couldn't keep their sanity. Heroin is like that random shot of Tequila...it's a sneaky fucker.

My friend DASH died of a heroin overdose in July of 2009.

My friend KASH is still a heroin and cocaine addict. In February of this year he made the news from deciding to let his heart stop beating while driving on a Florida freeway and crashed his Benz. He had to be brought back to Life by a quick thinking State Trooper and its all on the cop's dashboard cam. I watched it online after having a strange urge to Google my friend's name even after speaking to him on the phone a few days before. He works writing for a paper in Miami and wanted to see any newer articles but came upon that Miami news brief. He checked himself out of the hospital that night and shot up more shitty Miami dope and coke. He just came back to NYC and insists on lying to me about the extent of his drug use now and can't bring himself to stop telling me that he was only uses once a week when we BOTH have the same dealers. He still frequently steals from his family and refuses to take any of my advice, even though he looks up to me and more than likely started to use Heroin in the first place because I WAS using it.

The worse thing about being a Heroin addict with other addict friends is that tiny fear you're almost prepared for of a day when you might get a terrible phone call. The worse thing about being a normal functioning person with someone in your life that is a Heroin addict is being forced into inheriting that tiny fear from knowing there's a chance that you could one day be first on the list of contacts on the desk of that person out there who makes a living having to make those terrible phone calls.
 
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I just want to know if there is other people like me here ... i snorted 1g of cocaine daily for 26 years ... im 45 now and im in pretty good shape my bpm is usually around 60 and sys 115 diast 70 . my father is now 88 and he said he start when he was 15 he still snort 1g a day (nobody in the familly iv cocaine except my mother ) . We are all healthy people i have 3 brother and 1 sister and all of us use cocaine at least weekly .
 
a very abridged version because I dont think I ever saw this thread before

- my family was poor growing up but not poor enough to get handouts.
- I played sports and video games until the 9th grade. thats pretty much all I did
- Started smoking weed, stopped playing all sports except Lacrosse and cut back on video games. actually was pretty sociable, had a lot of friends and shit.
- tried Mushrooms for the first time in 10th grade, loved it. Tried LSD a few months later, loved it. Tried heroin a year later, wasnt sure how to feel about it. I knew I had enjoyed it but it was a small amount and I was still under the impression I wasnt a drug addict.
-started taking oxycodone to try and impress girls during sex, used this as rationing for me buying it.
-started talking to some friends of my brother, turns out they got Roxis now
-got a new job that gave me plenty of spending money, mostly went towards Roxis and/or Adderall
- talked to another friend, turns out his cousin lives in the city and gives him a good deal on heroin
-drove around fucked up a lot because it was the one place I could really be alone and jam out and smoke weed and blow yellow lights and listen to baseball games on the radio and talk shit on the opposing teams
- left job because I wanted to go back to school and felt like they needed me more than I needed them
- knew I was going to just drop out again but just went anyway, still doing heroin.
-at some point around here I wrecked the car I had bought with cash from my job. got a great deal on it too. I fucked that up
- dropped out again, stayed working at a lesser paying job albeit slightly easier and something I didnt need a license to get to
- I dont have any habits right now outside of maybe smoking weed a bit much
- Dont really have a plan, never really had a plan to be honest
- I didn't quit using heroin I just haven't for a while
 
This is my first post, but I've been a silent observer for awhile. First time I thought I might have something new or different to add. My mom is also an addict and while I take full responsibility for my personal addictions, its definitely relevant to my story. I grew up with the mindset that a pill can fix anything. As a kid, Iif I couldn't sleep I got a xanax, if my head hurt I got a hydro. Didn't take me long to figure out pain pills felt pretty dang good. By the time I was twelve , I was getting half of whatmy mom took everytime she dosed. Anywhere from 20 mgs hydrocodone to half an oc 20. I didn't realize I was addicted, but I never went without. Highschool was where the fun really started. Access to way more substances. I tried everything I got my hands on. I had alot of fun with most of it. I smoked pot near religously for years. I did lots of coke, lots of meth and other amphetamines. I tried ecstasy and alot of other stuff I don't remember. I barely remember those years at all. Oddly (because I love opiates so much) I hated herion when I tried it. Ofcourse I drank. I easily quit everything but the opiates. I just love those things. Few things are better than a couple opanas. However, my habit has taken over my life. I spend all my time and money on pills andi still rarely get high. Im just staving off the wds. I got "clean" a couple times (no opiates or hard drugs) but I've never been sober. I dont even really know what it feels like. The closest thing Ive ever felt was bupes. No withdrawals, but not high. For the first time in my life I genuinely want to be clean and the thought scares me to death. Not just the withdrawals, but what if I hate who I am without the drugs?
 
I hear you -- I did that TWICE (first time from trying to swat a fly which I then killed at least) and the second....have no idea why God hates me. Oh well....it was a response to the moderator (I related to his well written tale a lot). I am still pissed and I share yr pain gamereign.
 
Brief Background

For the majority of my time spent here on earth, I was squeaky clean. I tried weed around the age of 14 and decided I didn't like it (funny how things change.) I didn't even get drunk until the age of 22. Sometime around the age of 24 I tried DXM (a.k.a. Robitussin) and really enjoyed the trip. The rest has been, as they say, history. Considering that everyone on my father's side of the family has an opiate addiction, I've always avoided pain killers and have, until recently, enjoyed a fairly good drug experience.

Substance(s)

I have tried most everything with the exception of opiates. Psychedelics are my favorite. Benzos and alcohol are my downfall.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

I am currently addicted to alcohol and slightly less addicted to benzos.

Adverse Effects

Most of the drugs I have done have had a positive effect on my life, with the exception of booze. Xanax helps with my anxiety but the withdrawal is a bitch.

Warnings and Advice

Educate yourself on anything you're about to put inside your body. That's the thing that most people don't seem to understand. Education is more important than punishment and prohibition. All my childhood I was told of the evils of drugs only to discover that drugs are actually pretty cool and that almost everyone does them. Oh and most importantly, STAY AWAY FROM PHYSICALLY ADDICTIVE DRUGS LIKE OPIATES AND BENZOS unless you actually need them for pain/anxiety. Booze is also addictive as fuck...even though most cops partake.

Miscellaneous

I've tried to keep this short. Hope you've learned something.
 
I will post in this sometime later, a really long reply for this thread particularly, telling my tale of addiction and chaos, but for now, all I wanna say is.. If you have never done drugs, or you have only tested things out a few times, experimenting and what not, don't do it, don't do it again, stop while you are ahead, don't be stupid. Everyone says drugs are bad for you for a reason, don't be rebellious, and do it just because it's against the law, and everyone says you shouldn't. Listen to them. Don't let curiosity get the best of you, it killed the cat, ya know? So what do you think it does to people? Stay sober, stay clean.
It could be the best choice you ever make.
That one pill, that one hit, that one line, that one shot.. that could be what changes everything. That could be your downfall. It's not worth the risk. Trust me. We all wish we would have listened..
 
Well my story goes like this...I have been taking opioids for the better part of three years. It wasn't my plan to become addicted obviously, but if I'm really honest I didn't think too much about it because I thought I was in control. I am not one of those who has been taking large quantities, but I've taken them for a significant amount of time. When I first started, I was prescribed hydro for pain and rarely took them. It wasn't meant for long term use and I was conscious of becoming addicted so I was careful. I took the minimum I needed to get by and threw the bottle in a drawer in case somewhere down the line I had pain again. I felt good about that. I was going through some really hard things at home and found myself contemplating taking one just to escape the emotional pain I was going through. I chose to ignore my feelings about it, but I wasn't addicted and rarely would take one pill. All I knew at that point is that I felt better when I was on them, so I actually cherished them. I am not a drinker, I tried weed but didn't enjoy it, I don't do anything else. Over time things improved and I eventually ran out of the maybe 15 pills I had. Didn't think much about it for a very long time. I didn't have time to think about it because I was working too hard and I needed to be there for my children. Years later, I developed some pain from arthritis and sciatica. They only would prescribe nsaids and generic analgesics. This did not help much. I was taking the equivalent of prescription strength alternating both of those types of meds. Not helping. Then my elderly mother suggested something that sounded good at the time. Take some of her pain pills. After all, she was doing well only taking a small amount and less than she was being prescribed. So I was seduced by the thought of a supply that would not end. At that point I wasn't even looking for that feeling I used to look for, I wanted out of the pain I was in and this was it. Once again, I knew that I had to be careful so I would take they hydro and cut them in half. I would only allow myself a certain amount every day and I was careful. In the meantime, I had also developed a small stash of pills from the oral surgery I had. I would take those when I would run out.

Eventually, my mother went from hydro to oc 30 mg and so did I. This is where it got interesting. I was cutting these pills into 4s and would only allow myself 3 quarters of a pill a day. Over time I could sometimes go up to 1 pill or 1 and a quarter but no more. Over that period I became addicted. I didn't miss taking them because I always had them. I started feeling guilty about it and knew I was hooked and when my stash from my mom had slowed at one point, I decided to quit. I tapered down and ended up with a short 2 day period of the runs and a runny nose. I had about 5 hours of RLS and that was about it. I was proud that I was done. I told my mom that I quit and she was disappointed!? I'm assuming because misery loves company. Anyway, I became weak and gave in to her telling me that she worried about me and all I was doing and living in pain. I took the two hour drive to see her and got more. I was back on them and hooked good. If I didn't take a piece (quarter) before bed I would wake up to that feeling. I knew that I needed more. I still never went over my one and a quarter, and most days it was just three quarters. I told myself I was still in control but it was a lie. I knew I was addicted. I then moved to another state because an opportunity presented itself and found myself knowing I needed the pills but not being in the same state how would I get them...well I got them. Still "controlled" but unhappy and ashamed because I was an addict and I lied to myself every day.

I came to the new state with no job and after a couple months finally had an interview. They said I would need a drug screen. I knew I had to end this terrible addiction. I went of the oc cold turkey because I knew that I didn't have time enough to taper. It was hell. I look at the stories of people who had taken the same drug in large quantities and I was having the same withdrawal. Stopped Thursday night. By Friday afternoon started to feel like hell. Crawling sensation, runs, runny nose, constant yawning, uncontrollable violent sneezing fits, feeling like a truck ran over me, sweats, chills, headache. Friday night I got no sleep. I laid in bed and was suffering, would get up take a hot shower, try to distract myself from the feeling of wanting to chop my arms and legs off. I would stand in the shower begging God for mercy and to help me. It was hell. I finally fell asleep around 6 the next morning and woke up 4 hours later and had to do go out to deal with obligations. I felt like I had cinder blocks on my feet, I was completely exhausted, felt like I had the flu, runs, confusion, sweating, cold sweats, fever, some crawling sensation, runny nose etc. I had to take the loperamide, but only took what was recommended for getting rid of runs. Came home and took a nap, and then the next couple nights I experienced insomnia. I felt slightly better by Sunday but still very weak. Each day I feel a little more like myself but runs come and go.

Now it has been just over a week and I woke up feeling sick. I couldn't put my finger on it because in my mind, I was done with the major part of the withdrawal. So now I've spent the whole day trying to figure out why I keep lashing out and why I feel sick again. I don't sneeze as much, but I still sneeze. I feel very tired although last night I slept a full 7 hours. I guess I am lying to myself again telling myself that my withdrawal is over. I don't know anything except that I want to feel good again. The past couple days I was, but now I'm feeling crappy again. I don't know what to think. Do I think about oc? Occasionally, but I am strong enough to stay away, but I can't lie I do miss it. It does mask a lot of feelings I do want to deal with. As I hear myself say that, I know that I am an addict. It is sad, but at least I have gotten it out of my life. My issue is that I won't reach out to people for help because I don't want to be judged. I feel alone in this.
 
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Born in NYC. Raised in NJ just across the Hudson River for most of my life (20+ years) I am late twenties now living in PA on the NJ/PA border. Been addicted to heroin for ~7-8 years, other opiates going on 10. Experimented with everything else, but heroin crushed me. Been clean on methadone now for roughly 5 1/2 months. Best and most clean time I have had in my life. Slowly re-building myself. I have a blog:

https://jerseyjunkie201.wordpress.com/

Feel free to read it, share it, comment on it, give me feedback, etc. Also free feel to e-mail me. It's on my blog.
E-mail me about anything.. if you want to ask me questions, need advice, WHATEVER. I am here to share my experiences.
 
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For some reason that I´m not aware of, I came home totally waist and my wife started to question "what have you done" etc.
However, with lots of meds, and, opiates, I just could not function mentally. I would forget the last sentence I had just said, and, again unexplicidy, I started to say disconnected things, no follow through at all.
In other words completely out. In between conversations, nod all the time, and behaving like mentally screwed.
I was taking too much and had actually believed that no one was noticing. How stupid that is.
If I would just take the normal dosage..but no, I always take more. But that cannot be right.
I have had terrible experiences with W/A even under Methadone.
Have you ever experienced temporarily memory loss and not being able to talk to some one without having nods?
 
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Hi All:

Rather than describe all of the ugly details, ive got just a short message for anyone debating whether or not they can be one of those people that can occasionally chip or experiment with drugs and suffer little to no negative impact to their lives. Simply put, drugs, specifically opiates, have taken every single thing from me that I ever cared about. I never touched opiated until age of 37. I am now 41. I worked as an engineer for 17 years with the same state agency. I was not a stupid person. Today, throughout the course of 4 years, I lost my career, my wife, my kids, my parents, my house, my cars, my friends, and every other single thing that was important to me. Please take my advice, there are no winners if you choose to fuck around with drugs, period. You are not going to be that lucky one immune to its destruction.
 
Hi All:

Rather than describe all of the ugly details, ive got just a short message for anyone debating whether or not they can be one of those people that can occasionally chip or experiment with drugs and suffer little to no negative impact to their lives. Simply put, drugs, specifically opiates, have taken every single thing from me that I ever cared about. I never touched opiated until age of 37. I am now 41. I worked as an engineer for 17 years with the same state agency. I was not a stupid person. Today, throughout the course of 4 years, I lost my career, my wife, my kids, my parents, my house, my cars, my friends, and every other single thing that was important to me. Please take my advice, there are no winners if you choose to fuck around with drugs, period. You are not going to be that lucky one immune to its destruction.

You sound like a DARE commercial. Those "ugly details" is what make our stories human. Even the pamphlets at the ORT clinic aren't this negative. Throughout the course of 15 years I almost got a masters degree in biochemistry and I got a BSc in Networking. All this through epic drinking and smoking weed and taking meth pills/mdma pill or lsd blotter every weekend.

The only thing that annoys me in my life now is my physical addiction to benzodiazepines. And surprise, it's all legal drugs. I have blue 10mg apotex diazepam cuffs. It's not as bad as it sounds, but being a benzo lifer is worse at times (when in tolerance wd (not scripted enough because of tolerance developed over time) than an opiate addict. And I was that too, after my jaw issues became too much to bear and naproxen + codeine 30mg with tylenol wasn't gonna do it and no doc was gonna help out someone under 30 years old with more than pure 60mg codeine pills, like 5 at a time, for when my spasms crisis happened. I needed to take practically all 5 to get relief. Anyways, your messaege sounds generic fear propaganda and you're a greenlighter with 2 posts.

So smell the bacon.(I posted my story here, in lots of details, at the time, not in the format the mods needed, a really nice one told me, but I think I lost the file where I put it in as the format they wanted it in (hint at mods, I might still correct my post, I just have like 18 partitions over 10 drives, gotta find it.
 
You sound like a DARE commercial. Those "ugly details" is what make our stories human. Even the pamphlets at the ORT clinic aren't this negative. Throughout the course of 15 years I almost got a masters degree in biochemistry and I got a BSc in Networking. All this through epic drinking and smoking weed and taking meth pills/mdma pill or lsd blotter every weekend.

The only thing that annoys me in my life now is my physical addiction to benzodiazepines. And surprise, it's all legal drugs. I have blue 10mg apotex diazepam cuffs. It's not as bad as it sounds, but being a benzo lifer is worse at times (when in tolerance wd (not scripted enough because of tolerance developed over time) than an opiate addict. And I was that too, after my jaw issues became too much to bear and naproxen + codeine 30mg with tylenol wasn't gonna do it and no doc was gonna help out someone under 30 years old with more than pure 60mg codeine pills, like 5 at a time, for when my spasms crisis happened. I needed to take practically all 5 to get relief. Anyways, your messaege sounds generic fear propaganda and you're a greenlighter with 2 posts.

So smell the bacon.(I posted my story here, in lots of details, at the time, not in the format the mods needed, a really nice one told me, but I think I lost the file where I put it in as the format they wanted it in (hint at mods, I might still correct my post, I just have like 18 partitions over 10 drives, gotta find it.

Why are you comparing your accomplishments in life to this engineer dude that LOST EVERYTHING? Drugs ruin/save peoples lives, period. He fucked with the OPIATE bullet, and got shot.
That load of time in your life WASTED because of shooting dilaudid or w.e. Now your a benzo addict (like me) for the past 7 years.

I can bet my ass that "fibermaster" is real. I was in rehab for a few months his story, is nothing new. and is not exaggerated.
 
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Doing LSD every weekend for only a few months DESTROYED my self confidence. I don't know why, but when I was 19-20 and started doing LSD weekly, the floodgates opened after that...I was willing to try anything and everything. When I wasn't high on some bud, I wanted to be tripping...Eventually the LSD stopped, and I started taking Benzoz. Been stuck ever since
 
Hey. (Just testing to see if I can post. When I tried to make a thread in 'other drugs' on my phone, it wouldn't let me post it because there was not a way to select a thread prefix. Moderators please fix this!
 
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