I'm not sure where this belongs (TDS, or maybe not on BL at all?), but I know I have to put it somewhere before I stop caring enough and just shun it.
Let's start from the beginning...
A long time ago, ~12 years (when I was in my early teens), I declared war on my emotions. I was depressed (severely, not diagnosed for another decade), and was sick and tired of feeling like crap all day, every day. Nothing good ever came of my emotions. I was always miserable, down, worthless...
I felt nothing good, only bad. I wanted, no, needed out.
One day, I put my foot down. I declared an all-out war. Make no friends, take no prisoners, just destroy it all. Raze the whole mess of emotions down to the ground; annihilate every last trace of that worthless scum. I was determined, and never once looked back or had a second thought during the following decade.
It was a hard fight, and a long one. I drew ever closer to victory, with more and more emotions fading away forever as time went on. But after a decade of trying, I never quite got there. I still felt a handful of emotions, and not good ones.
I never gave up the fight. Even after I had lost sight of my decision, the emotion-destroying mechanisms that I'd set up in some deep level of my mind persisted. I never gave up, never surrendered.
Then I was put on Abilify. Almost overnight, I lost the ability to feel anything at all. No more love, hate, fear (especially for my own life), anger, envy....nothing. That was it. I had finally won the war over myself. But I didn't feel victorious, for that too was an emotion.
Over the next year or two, a few of my old demons crept back to haunt me. I could once again feel anger, resentment, a bit of fear, and a handful of other negative emotions, nothing good. I once again became severely depressed, but the Abilify kept the suicidality in check. I was eventually put on yet another antidepressant, mirtazapine, which the kind folks in OD recommended, and which has lifted me from a deep depression. Although I no longer feel like crap day in and day out, I still feel down often. That's the way it is with me: I either feel down or totally numb. That's it.
That's where I am now. I only feel a handful of emotions, all bad (except for a trace of love for my family), on and off. I have no hope for a better tomorrow, no measurable regret about yesterday. I'm just here, alive, existing.
I sometimes wonder if life would be better if I could feel emotions again. But I don't care. I don't care about having or not having emotions, and I don't care about not caring. I've crossed the threshold, the point of no return. The few emotions I still feel are just something I have to live with, the rest are alien to me. I have no real comprehension of them, nor do I want anything to do with them.
Well, that's about it. I just wanted to share.
Let's start from the beginning...
A long time ago, ~12 years (when I was in my early teens), I declared war on my emotions. I was depressed (severely, not diagnosed for another decade), and was sick and tired of feeling like crap all day, every day. Nothing good ever came of my emotions. I was always miserable, down, worthless...
I felt nothing good, only bad. I wanted, no, needed out.
One day, I put my foot down. I declared an all-out war. Make no friends, take no prisoners, just destroy it all. Raze the whole mess of emotions down to the ground; annihilate every last trace of that worthless scum. I was determined, and never once looked back or had a second thought during the following decade.
It was a hard fight, and a long one. I drew ever closer to victory, with more and more emotions fading away forever as time went on. But after a decade of trying, I never quite got there. I still felt a handful of emotions, and not good ones.
I never gave up the fight. Even after I had lost sight of my decision, the emotion-destroying mechanisms that I'd set up in some deep level of my mind persisted. I never gave up, never surrendered.
Then I was put on Abilify. Almost overnight, I lost the ability to feel anything at all. No more love, hate, fear (especially for my own life), anger, envy....nothing. That was it. I had finally won the war over myself. But I didn't feel victorious, for that too was an emotion.
Over the next year or two, a few of my old demons crept back to haunt me. I could once again feel anger, resentment, a bit of fear, and a handful of other negative emotions, nothing good. I once again became severely depressed, but the Abilify kept the suicidality in check. I was eventually put on yet another antidepressant, mirtazapine, which the kind folks in OD recommended, and which has lifted me from a deep depression. Although I no longer feel like crap day in and day out, I still feel down often. That's the way it is with me: I either feel down or totally numb. That's it.
That's where I am now. I only feel a handful of emotions, all bad (except for a trace of love for my family), on and off. I have no hope for a better tomorrow, no measurable regret about yesterday. I'm just here, alive, existing.
I sometimes wonder if life would be better if I could feel emotions again. But I don't care. I don't care about having or not having emotions, and I don't care about not caring. I've crossed the threshold, the point of no return. The few emotions I still feel are just something I have to live with, the rest are alien to me. I have no real comprehension of them, nor do I want anything to do with them.
Well, that's about it. I just wanted to share.
