I'm angry at myself right now. I regret so much stuff.
It seems like one of the most painful things about changing a deep seated bad habit, unhealthy behavior or inadequate way of thinking is that as times passes the "new" you start to realize the full extent of your gigantic stupidity. You realize that you've been WRONG and you've been an asshole, a total moron, for years and years.
I went through this frustration yesterday. Talked to some member here from bluelight the rest of the night and it made me remember I had tons of fun still during this bad habit of mine. It was of course not worth it, but it has happened, is in the past and being angry/sad and dissappointed about it won't change anything. It will just make you miserable. If you can, find some moments to laugh at, even if they are stupid and you regret them. I try to look back at the good times that was, before it all went to hell.
Misery loves company, don't invite it. It will do you no good, what's in the past is past. You need to look forward, don't spend months and months dwelling in past misery. It's over now, right? Look forward, tell yourself you will not allow it to get worse because you've suffered misery enough. You do not need it, you don't want it, it will consume you if you let it.
You can choose to ignore it. It takes alot of willpower but it is possible. Best tips I can give when misery is creeping up on you is to do whatever that isn't the same as what you are doing at the time it happens. If you can't find anything meaningful in life at the moment, at least fill it with something pointless but time consuming. It is better than being alone with misery.
Toz is not always good at following his own advice so here it goes, rant: I feel like I'm losing control of myself. It's not good. Maybe I already lost it sort of. Feel like I am divided as in wanting to move forward but not being able to let go completely of my old self. Right now at least it feels like two steps forward one step back.
People always seemed to call me when they were sad, many of my friends called me with their problems, I don't know why they found me that comforting. However I could no longer handle everyone elses problems on top of my shoulders when the monkey on my back had turned into a real gorilla. I just shut down after I went CT from all drugs. Locked myself in my room, turned off my phone, and made the world go away. This was a bad tactic, as I just locked myself in with misery. Now I find I would need someone to talk to, but I have none really. It never mattered to me before, I'm not usually the guy to open up to people. I can talk to others about them and their problems but when it comes to myself, I can not get the words out of my mouth. I feel like I don't want to lay my problems on other people, especially since people always used to come to me with theirs. They don't need to hear my problems too if I can remember correctly they have enough of their own.
And it's hard to contact people again since I basically just went missing from everyone for such a long time, don't know what to say. "hey how have you been" "laying in bed in pain wishing the whole world would go away" I feel like it's a bit of an crappy introduction after not seeing each other for over half a year or more. Don't want just want to call people I knew from the past and start laying my problems on them, it seems wrong.
But I do need someone to talk to, being alone with my thoughts is too much sometimes, yesterday night it was.
Treat others the way you want to be treated they say. We need to flip this around for the dark side and tell ourselves: Treat yourself the way you treat others. (past actions not included here) Most people here seem to be helpfull toward each other, but less so against themselves.
Sounds like a total bummer of a day. I don't know what its like to be going through what you are right now, but I'm very encouraged by your strength (shone here by your posts) so please keep going, enduring the process, its all gonna be so worth it!
