Hi I'm Toz and I missed the vent/rant thread where this maybe would have been better suited.
My physical pain is increased 5 fold after having taken amphetamine for 2 days straight, might also be because I overdosed and had really bad muscle cramps (could not stand because of legs cramping). Still my nerve pain is killing me, it feels like fire in my veins. I wish someone here could give me a blow to the head and knock me out. I feel like my whole body has an open wound and someone is constantly pouring alcohol on it.
Right now, I wish I could cease to exist. I don't want this pain anymore. I am sick of it, it makes every day a struggle, knowing I have to wake up every morning feeling like I had been sleeping outside in the desert sun and burnt myself badly. Must not try to think this way, but right now, it's impossible.
On the positive side, waking up tomorrow will be much welcome, since I know I'll feel better. Always try to stay positive, especially when you think things are as bad as they can get. At least it's not going to get much worse, and if it is, to hell with it since I don't think more pain will do much difference, it can only get to a certain level before it feels unreal.
Still, a knockout blow to the head if it guaranteed I stayed down for hours while suffering no permanent consequences, I would gladly pay for.
I find the pain hard to deal with, I want to stop using drugs deep inside, but every now and then I will always slip up as the pain gets worse some days, it feels like an endless cycle of misery that I want to end but find myself incapable of. It sucks doing drugs most of the time because of physical pain and not because I want to have fun really. The amphetamine was a misstake, I should not have caved in to my friends constant nagging about me getting drugs for him. I knew I would not stay away, it just became another excuse to have some myself. I don't really mix with stimulants and getting high, end up overdosing often, this time was the 2nd time I ended up in the hospital because of this.
The drugs always seem to bite me in the ass, and I keep coming back for more. My energy is draining every day, I'm afraid it may be none left soon. The worst thing to do when depressed is to curdle up in bed and wait to die, that's when you start feeling like you might actually be dead anyway. No, I will not succumb to it, I'd rather go freeze my ass off outside in the cold and go for a walk just to pass time and take my mind of the pain a bit.
Pain+depression+no job+drugs+too much fucking time to think about things is a bad combination. Well, at least I got savings to live on for some time, however that will all end in half a year, then I have no idea what to do. I hope I find some solution to all this, or that the pain goes away. Right now, I'm stuck without a clue as how to get on with life. It sucks. Eventually, I hope this too shall pass. Some years back I would have thought I'd be better of dead feeling like this. Now, I do not, because if I died I would have suffered the pain for nothing, I'm planning to stick around untill I enjoy life, else I should have offed myself years ago and saved me the trouble.
I'm frustrated and had to vent this somewhere >_< I hope you guys here are all feeling better than me.
I miss someone to talk to really. I can't say I have anyone, and I'm finding it harder than I thought I would, my whole life I've been quite antisocial. During this last year I've tried to rid myself of my addictions but it's been alot harder than I supposed it would be. 2 of my best friends have been put in prison and my girlfriend since some years, well it was obvious she was not gonna stop using and once I did, it took merely weeks before she was long gone with along with some of my money. I was so depressed at first, but I realized after some months I should be thinking the other way around. It was bound to happen sooner or later obviously, now even if I lost some money and felt cheated, at least I didn't have to suffer a relationship appearently built on lies any longer. I essentially need to change almost everything about myself, I believe I tried to do this too fast and had no real plan for anything. I just knew I couldn't keep doing what I was doing for long before something would really go to hell. My friend getting a 4 year prison sentance was a signal to me that it was time to get out, fast.
/end of long rant that could have made it's own thread but since I have no direct questions about anything I'll just let it stay here and hope someone will pat me on the back and tell me things will be looking up soon
