Alcoholism Discussion Thread Version 6.0

[junglejuice]

Thanks guys

 

[gr33n3y3z]

Drinking...wtf eles is new? Uggh why cant i have a better past?
I know life is not all "sugar" but why cant i be happy with out drinking?

 

[phactor]

Still going strong. Have not drank in what I believe is over two and a half weeks. Ended up trying 12 step meetings and very quickly remembered why I personally did not like them. I have not really been craving at all.

Found a good counselor who I meet once a week who does not push the steps at all which is a big relief.

Also, I think I overreacted a bit to the withdrawal I was facing but that is okay. Seems like the Phenibut was the cause of the majority of my WD symptoms.

I recommend that all who have had past problems with downers to stay away from Phenibut btw.

 

[Cohesion]

Doing GREAT.

I drank on a date because of social pressure about 3 weeks ago. I also drank a little wine over a month ago.

I have NO desire and I DON'T think about alcohol.

I am high on love to be perfectly honest. I don't feel guilty about this. I hope and do believe that this is sustainable.

 

[blahman8000]

Shit hit the fan and I literally woke up, dazed, in a hospital, and detoxed over the weekend. I can't say I made the choice myself, but I'm sober 4 days now. With sobriety, I'm back to looking forward again. I have a lot to sort out, and everything is difficult right now, but it was alcohol that took away the tools and strength to keep on. I cannot drink anymore. My body has literally had it.

Cohesion and phactor, glad you're both hanging in there and staying strong. It's always great to see good news in this thread.

gr33n3y3z - You say you can't be happy without drinking, but are you really happy now that you are? Because it seems like it's cutting into you, just like it has for all of us. I know it's almost impossible to see past the fog of cravings and emotions, they come at you hard and they don't always let you see clearly. But from what I've experienced and seen, when someone's stuck on the bottle and feel like they can't feel better without it, the bottle itself is dragging them down.

 

[tremours]

i really need advice, i know its mostly cause of the drinking, but even when im sober i cant go more than a couple hours before thnking about killing myselve.the longest ive mad it latley without drinking is like 2 days and honestly i havent spent a cent on alcohol in at least 2or 4 weeks, how do you stay sober when all realy think about is is suicide?
sorry if im a bit melodramatic ive already gone through a 1/5th and i just aquired another 1/2th gallon. hopefullly this time i wont wake in the hospital

 

[phactor]

i really need advice, i know its mostly cause of the drinking, but even when im sober i cant go more than a couple hours before thnking about killing myselve.the longest ive mad it latley without drinking is like 2 days and honestly i havent spent a cent on alcohol in at least 2or 4 weeks, how do you stay sober when all realy think about is is suicide?
sorry if im a bit melodramatic ive already gone through a 1/5th and i just aquired another 1/2th gallon. hopefullly this time i wont wake in the hospital

Suicidal ideation is very very serious. I urge you to get some help immediately. With you still drinking, its hard to tell if its related to withdrawal or other issues. Since I am not a doctor, I cannot tell you anything more then to get with a medical professional and be honest. I will tell you that its only going to get worse. I personally was never much of a hard liquor drinker, but going through a 1/5th and being able to type relatively clearly shows me you have some tolerance built up. To be clear, I am not judging. As I can type pretty well while extremely fucked up and I used to not be able too.


-----

Me, I am still doing very good. Had two rough days related to some real life issues. I thought to myself "this is when I would drink and or use". I identified it and told myself that if I acted on it then things would A: Not get better B: I would feel worse after a few hours C: Its not the end of the world.

Have been prescribed gabapentin for sleep. My new pysch (who I am not all that crazy about, going to try to find a new one) wants me to try the SSRI during the day to see if that will work for my anxiety. I am 99 percent sure that I will need to take the gabapentin during the day, but she wants me to wait. I have been on the SSRI for close to a month, if not more.

Not sure how many days sober, but I haven't drank (or used anything) since I decided to come clean to my loved ones and stop. I am feeling much better, but I know I still have some time to go before I really start feeling good.

My addiction counselor basically told me that I was overreacting a bit and that I had to just starting living life and take control of it. I agreed. Asked how I felt about going to every other week and I think that is fine. His point was basically that I knew what I had to do, and I wasn't going to learn a ton of new stuff from him. That is true as well. Basically said that I was doing very well, but now that the withdrawal stuff is going to be winding down that its time to start taking the steps towards better myself. Which is of course what I have been telling myself.

He also suggested that I need to accept that I will likely have some anxiety forever, that I need to stop beating myself up and that I need to accept that I have both a learning disability and ADHD. That was a bit of an epiphany, why punish myself for things that I cannot control?

Still seeing my Jungian counselor once a week.

 

[phactor]

While my life is infinitely more rewarding now that it doesn't revolve around alcohol abuse, I don't really think of it in terms of "sobriety" being rewarding per se. For me, it's more that alcohol abuse impaired my ability to enjoy my life and diminished my motivation to fix the things I was unhappy with (alcohol was always an "escape" for me - it allowed me to mentally escape when I couldn't physically do so). I enjoy my life now that I no longer abuse alcohol, but the absence of abuse didn't create that enjoyment - it simply allows it. Ceasing to abuse alcohol was necessary for me to find contentment but it certainly wasn't sufficient.

Really identify with this, and it is where I am at right now. Might sound crazy, but I am still unable to tell myself I will never have a beer again. But right now, alcohol and bettering myself just simply do not mix. I am getting older, its time to get serious. I will not be happy simply floating through life, I need to get myself into grad school and into a career. I am not going to do that when I am drinking.

Alcohol was always an escape for me. I wasn't even really getting drunk anymore. The only time that I ever really had fun drinking (at least over the past several years) was either at a really good concert/event or when I was on a vacation with family and or friends or during a weekend out of town. I think this was more because I enjoy visiting new places immensely and that had more to do with it then the alcohol. Also, I live in a very depressing poverty stricken city and all this suffering breaks my heart. I know I need to get out of here, and I guess traveling situations allowed me to fantasize that I was.

Also, when drinking (especially when dabbling with cocaine) I would imagine all the great vacations I would be taking in the future. But, I would wake up and realize that was not a possibility with me in the current rut I was stuck in.

I will be taking a family trip overseas this summer and will not be drinking. I can guarantee myself that I will enjoy it more. I fucking love people watching, learning, visiting museums etc and will be able to do that much more while not in a half stupor. I am slightly nervous but very excited about it.

 

[Sepher]

Glitter_kiss, it may seem like you need to drink to suppress these suicidal thoughts but actually it's very likely it's the booze that's causing them, or at least majorly contributing to them. Alcohol is a depressant that drives down mood over time, when the depressant effect is removed when you quit drinking you're left with rebound anxiety quite often that becomes self sustaining, noradrenaline release in response drives the anxiety and inwardly directed anger all the harder so you spiral down very quickly into that dark place that seems to have only one exit.

Because of that I reckon there's no way you can answer whether you're drinking cos you're suicidal, or you're suicidal cos you're drinking. It becomes impossible to seperate out what's a cause, and what's a symptom of your unhappiness cos one feeds the other in a self-sustaining spiral. I found soon as the drinking stopped so did [the vast majority of] the suicidal ideation. You must try and work through it somehow long enough to attain some emotional equilibrium.

It might be that you need benzos or similar for a couple of weeks to get through the emotional turbulence quitting the booze or you might need anti-anxiety / anti-depressant meds for a while longer to get you somewhere more stable. Whatever, you should certainly have some medical supervision in place for any attempt at stopping drinking but I think it's something you really need to do so you can get to work on other causes of these dark feelings.

Blahman, I'm sorry to hear how tough things are for you right now. I don't know I've any advice to give here, I can only guess how soul destroying this must be for you but don't give up on hope. There is hope for you, hold on to it hard. You know my PM box is always open you ever need to offload, don't you? I'm rooting for you mate, hang on in there.

 

[blahman8000]

Sepher, thank you. Right now I'm in a much better place than I was before the hospital stay, though. Something had to break, I guess. I had a seizure at work. Scared the hell out of my coworkers, and I wish they didn't have to see it. Then again, it was probably the best place for that to have happened. No one but the doctors really know that alcohol contributed so much to what happened, and really it's starting to appear that I might have a tendency towards seizures as it is. So I'm on medication now and will be straightening things out with a neurologist soon. And the good news is, I'm 9 days alcohol-free, and it's never felt more important to keep it that way.

glitter_kiss, phactor is right that your typing coherency even with so much alcohol working through you might be a sign of tolerance. And with persistently fed tolerance eventually comes dependency, physically and mentally. Depression is like carrying around this bag of rocks everywhere you go, exhausting you, immobilizing you — and alcohol is only weighing it down further. Don't circle that drain, please. You have hope. If you can go two days without drinking, then you know you can make that first step once again. You have a lot on your plate, and alcohol won't let you solve any of it. Please take that first step, take alcohol out of the mix, and get the help that you deserve. We're here for you and rooting for you. Keep us posted, okay?

phactor, I know what you mean. Alcohol has a way of tricking us into putting our whole lives on hold, indefinitely, while we dream of better possibilities. All the while, time flies by like it never happened. Booze took away almost all of my early 20's. I'd dream of a better life while I drank alone and lived an empty one. Every single step forward I've taken towards a better life these past few months, I've taken when sober. And when I slipped up about a month ago and went on a bender, I almost lost everything and wound up back where I started. I haven't necessarily accepted that I'll never have a beer again either, but I want to accept it, which is something. I understand what it's like living in a poverty stricken area. I currently live in the ghetto, to put it simply, and walking around, doing my shopping, waiting on the bus, can all be pretty dismal. Here's hoping we both find our ways to something better.

 

[Thorns Have Roses]

I think the most enjoyable part of drinking these days is that relieves my desire to drink. Though I have in the past month successfully cut out liquor in favor of beer/wine (and have been drinking less, on average). I was going to try to be entirely abstinent for Lent (successfully had a 40-day fast day last fall, but I was trying to get back to school then and had motivation) but that went out the window.

I dunno, I just feel like rambling. Been a bit disillusioned with alcohol since drinking a pint of whiskey in the evening started leaving me feeling just as anxious and unpleasant as when I was sober (this a few months ago). Heck, my comedown anxiety is worse than what I get sober lately.

 

[tremours]

after finishing an insane bender over the weekend by ending up in the hospital, ive decided to try to lay off the hard liqour or possibly just stop in favor of getting back on ativan. ive manged to get through the past couple days with just a couple four lokos. though yesterday i had the shakes a little, today i was fine. hopefully i can last a little while longer before going back to vodka ive been blacking out way to often lately

 

[phactor]

after finishing an insane bender over the weekend by ending up in the hospital, ive decided to try to lay off the hard liqour or possibly just stop in favor of getting back on ativan. ive manged to get through the past couple days with just a couple four lokos. though yesterday i had the shakes a little, today i was fine. hopefully i can last a little while longer before going back to vodka ive been blacking out way to often lately

Probably isn't the best to be drinking caffeinated alcoholic beverages. I am not a doctor, but at this point if you can stop drinking and replace it with a Dr. prescribed benzo it might be best. Obviously, if you just ending up drinking on top of that benzo you will be in worst shape though.

 

[phactor]

Was able to sleep without taking anything except for my gabapentin last night, which is a big deal for me. Still having some problems with motivation though. Really need to start working out again, I think I should be able to get reduced membership fees at my local YMCA. I am employed and have great benefits because it is a union job, but it does not pay very much.

At this point, its on me. I need to start being more proactive in making the changes. In a lot of ways, it feels like the using/drinking is very secondary right now and I know I need to get over the halting anxiety I feel towards my future. I am really battling my self-sabotaging right now. The only real heavy craving I have had (luckily) has been when I felt like my path towards getting into grad school was closed. It took me about a day to reassess the situation and realize that I still have plenty of options.

I know that if I do not deal with my issues, then I will go back to self-medicating at some point. Just focusing on getting clean is really not enough for me at this point, as I feel like I have had plenty of practice at that and basically know how to do it. I need to start becoming more accepting of myself and improve myself. Easy to say for me, but for some damn reason it can be really hard to do. I am way way way too hard on myself.

 

[herbavore]

This gets easier with age, phactor. I think the hyper-critical voice is a very common trait when it comes to self-medicating. The good news is that it lessens a bit with age , making it easier to change. It's definitely a balancing act to have the motivation to change and self-acceptance at the same time.

 

[tremours]

well i just got another bottle. i dont realy know why, i still have about 3/4s of a 1/5th it just seems like i keep spiaraling the drain, on the downside banned from one of my fav stores

 

[DrinksWithEvil]

I got on subs about 2 weeks ago. But i started drinking everynight. I buy 375ml of vodka around 5pm everday and be passed out by 9. and repeat. UGH

 

[RedLeader]

You can drink on sub, DWE? A lot of people report that they no longer get any enjoyment out of drinking once the are on bupe maintenance. Have you noticed a difference? Please be careful. I know that I cannot drink right now because it's almost a guarantee that as soon as that first beer is in me, I am on the phone ordering the hard stuff. Alcohol is bad enough as a replacement drug, but I could never even use it as that. Alcohol makes me crave speedballs, it's as simple as that.

If I were you, I'd switch to beer and then slow it down. Drink a 6 pack your first night, then 5, then 4, ... 1, 0. I would suggest buying the bottles individually, so buy 5 on that second day instead of a 6 pack (you'd drink that last one if you're at all like me). And be sure that the percentages/proofs are constant. 1 beer isn't exactly 1 beer if it's equivalent to 3 beers via it's high proof.

Good luck though, my man. It's great that you're off the H. Absolutely great, I am envious. Tell yourself that you're a success story at least with regard to that. I remember you posting in my thread about H a few months back, and how you were scared that your use was spiraling out of control again. You're free of that physical pull for now, so that's great. If you're still scared to face the world sober or fall asleep sober, then you know what you gotta do. You gotta smash that gym up as hard as you possibly can. Shape that body, exhaust those muscles, turn yourself into a piece of artwork. Get at it, it's great for confidence and you'll sleep so much better to. Way better than lifting a bottle up and down, chasing some euphoria before you end up holding back tears. You're young, man, and you know how to get in shape. Get your ass to that weight room and tear it up!

 

[DrinksWithEvil]

Ya i still get drunk for sure... Probably more buzzed tbh..

I never. Get any cravings when I drink cuz of the subs but it's becoming a problem and I need to quit I don't need to be locking myself in my room getting drunk I should be out working and getting pussy for real....

 

[tremours]

well i have more than a halv of vodka, but i realy dont care. i mainly feel like slitting my wrist. i just got out if the fuckn drunk tank fuck them i lost a whole bottle to them the other day