^ I'm with ya tacky. I've been practicing the ASVAB test. I am actually very intelligent and the USAF is ready to accept me right now. But paradoxically I can't find a regular job that doesn't require the total life dedication the military requires when you sign on.
I'm really sad and scared of the future too. I would never join the military if for no other reason than to provide for myself.
I've been planning the next freeze to take some valium, hydrocodone, drink a few beers and sleep outside. Ironically, tonight's the first freeze in awhile, and the thermometer currently reads 30 degrees Fahrenheit (and dropping to 28 this morning), and I seem to have held on to some kind of hope things are going to get better, despite me not eating much at all in the last 30 hours (maybe 75-100 calories), coming off amphetamines (muscles low on energy, no fat reserves = fast hypothermia, 43 hours straight without sleep). My fingers are numb from cold/low energy as I type this INSIDE! Fridge loaded with beer, valium, hydrocodone by my side. I'm
choosing to survive
I got a revolver and hollow points I keep for personal protection, on the off-chance my life is threatened, but I wouldn't want to put an EMS worker or my family through the trauma of seeing my blown off head. I've already made enough messes for others to clean, that's one final mess I would like to avoid. I can't leave the earth knowing I selfishly left a bloody corpse for someone else to clean. And I don't want my family to think I intentionally killed myself either, because somehow I feel that would hurt them worse than just losing me
That's what keeps me from just downing a lot of pills with a couple drinks
I've got an 'exit strategy' worked out, but I can only make it look semi-accidental during really cold weather
It seems perfect in my mind. Just fall asleep not feeling the cold and not wake up. Everyone thinks it's just a freak accident. No mess, no smelly corpse in the cold.