Man, it's been a while since I've actually sat down and just let out exactly what was going through my mind
Everything is just contributing to this.
First off, I'm thinking about my lack of ambition, and goals. The lack of any real desires (that allow more desires to be fulfilled) let alone a genuine will to live.
I do not value my existence, therefore my time is wasted. I try to distract myself with pixels and sound, always trying to escape this hurt.
All my efforts to fritter away something I do not want, yet something I must abide.
I am so lost, yet I'm going in no direction. Stagnation in chaos..
I can feel it. I can feel it in my chest.
Something needs to change.
I don't know why I'm trying to get through this.
I have the juxtaposition to clearly show me how much things can change, but in this state I don't care.
It's like, I know I can gain desires, but right now I desire nothing else...
I am so lonely, but I don't want to talk to anyone.
I want someone so bad, but I don't want anyone.
I'm so sick of this dissonance, these simultaneous opposites.
This confusion and uncertainty.
I feel so lacking.
Everything is so unstable, and this one constant is something I do not want.
Why not? Why shouldn't I feel like this?
It is so barren down here.
There is no light here.
It is so lonesome down here.
There is no meaning here. There is no point.
There is no desire. I do not want this.
Throw it away. Throw it away.
A test of strength, or stupidity? Of will and desire? Of faith? Or simply the aversion to dehydration and starvation?
All the possibilities of live have become devoid of worth.
I wouldn't throw away something worth holding onto,
but who's to say this state of mind warrants the decision to end all decisions?
This uncertainty is tearing me up.
I feel so mangled.
Annihilate this hurt. Attain, though never experience, true nihility.