• TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

The Suicide Support Thread

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nothing-nothing,
in reading your post, it appears to me that you know that you can do this thing called life.
you can harness the joy that you get from your daughters and it will feed yours.
you can make things better, it may be fucken difficult, and it may be one small step at a time.

why cant I just be a good person?
you need to evaluate what you consider as a good person, everyone has different ideas on this. Non drug users may consider druggies to be bad people, but I can't think of any users who consider themselves as bad people. Sure, they may have done some things they regret, but its not about that... its about now, and making choices right this moment, that are ones that you are happy with.

on one side of this coin is the light and joy in my life,
my daughters. 7 weeks and 2 years old....
on the other side is a tsunami of pain and self judgment that seems insurmountable .
ditching out on my children is not an option, in any way shape or form for me.
none of this is there fault and I know first hand what its like growing up with out parents.

This is your reason for life, and its a damn fucken good one! It is a tool that many don't have but would trade you almost anything for. Your children have unconditional love for you, and man, that is as much as anyone can ask for and you have no say in

I also feel like my staying around as it were will only inflict more damage,
possibly terrible damage and that is not how im down to get down....
I don't know what damage you mean, but I believe that this is a choice you can make. If its an addiction problem, you can make a choice to address it or not, I dunno, it could be anything, but you Do HAVE the power to address it and keep your children from harm.

I don't have any real answers I am sorry, but I feel that you are in a lot of pain, I get the bit that by exiting could have the same end result as living and fucking up. However, the chance that you will NOT fuck up is there as well, and if that chance is only a small one, the rewards will be infinitely greater than the alternative, which is a given null result.

I hope I make some sense to you, and I hope you feel better
 
Wrote my will

Wrote most of the note

In the process of procuring the necessary mechanism

Heard it all

Jolly good
 
Wrote my will

Wrote most of the note

In the process of procuring the necessary mechanism

Heard it all

Jolly good

Please reconsider. I'm begging you. Care to talk about what's making you feel this way? PM me if you need to.

We would miss you.

<3
 
I will say that if I become a mod (already applied) I have a greater chance at staying with yall, but no obligation. I have a very real sense of duty, so am unlikely to just leave people in the lurch when I have something concrete to commit to. And I do: educating the CD people.

I hate when people have to beg me, makes me feel like a racist or something, I am sorry.

I'll be here for at least a few more days, at least.

I don't make decisions lightly, and to make sure that what I want to do is truly what I would want to do, I made it so it would take a while to procure the necessary drugs (can't stand physical pain for some reason, guess I'm a pussy) and so my friends/yall have a chance to get in your two cents without me simply jumping ship like that.

I like you.

Love, though, between two humans, is sick. We as humans are sick, demented, ugly.
 
Ho-Chi <3 I don't see why contributing in CD even if you don't receive the modspot isn't still contributing. There is nothing special about a moderator position. More work and less fun. It's scary to think you are contemplating suicide because of a moderation opening. Please seek help buddy <3.
 
@ nothing nothing you're kids need a father... I never had ine and it fuxked me up.

Ho chi minh - love is fucked and so is humanity... but their are a few good people left you just gotra have faith.

I have a job now and things are improving. BuI have $20000 unsecured debt a nd make a whopping 8.5 / hr -taxes and even with 40 hours a week I still have no healthcare benefits and not nearly enough to get out of this hole. I've been looking for a girl to help me take my mind off my 5 year relationship that endd abruptly and it's epic fail after fail.

Honestly I just want to end it. If nobody cared I would but evidently I've made an impact on enough people to keep me going. I just wish I could die in an accident or natural cause so I wouldn't have a guilty conscience for disappointing those who care :(
 
ho-chi, do you think some of your feelings as of late may be attributed to quitting paxil?
 
I'm here man go on

I don't have anyone in my life who accepts me the way I am. I used to but she left. I'm about to be homeless again cuz I can't stand my dad. I just can't feel happy anymore.

Right now I'm @ work and I'm a cashier over night. I'm actually hoping I get robbed... idgaf anymore at this point I would tell them they're gonna have to shoot me if they want money.
 
Well I didn't get robbed tonight if I don't get shot & robbed tomorrow night I hope I get killed this weekend somehow. I'm tired of living. I have absolutely nothing to live for. I can't kill myself but I just have to believe there's unfinished business in my miserable existence. :(
 
Well we do; you know that. A lot of us have "seen and done it all". That's not to say we're trivializing your experience. I'm kind of there right now though: wanting someone/thing to kill me.

All I know is if there was someone who accepted you, there is someone else who will.

You don't have to do anything man, but be who you are and realize that you're worth it. If I didn't think you were worth the effort I wouldn't be wasting my words. I can tell you're in terrible pain. So am I. Not in the same way, but still.


ho-chi, do you think some of your feelings as of late may be attributed to quitting paxil?

No doubt. But I'd rather not take it. Even if it means an early departure. I don't think it allowed me to really confront my problems.
 
I've been sooo anxious and depressed, like practically non-functional for the past 5 years. I just want to fatally overdose on something.
 
I've been sooo anxious and depressed, like practically non-functional for the past 5 years. I just want to fatally overdose on something.

I am sorry to hear that :( I've been suffering from anxiety and depression for as long as I remember too, so I can relate.

You say it has happened over the past 5 years, do you mind sharing what triggered it? <3
 
I'm harnessing my lack of will to live to make me stronger. My strength is I can stare down death in the face and act without fear of the outcome. I wanna die but I want to be remembered as a hero. I met a pair of really hot single chicks this weekend but they both had kids. I'm starting to realize I just wasn'tn meant to reproduce, which kinda makes me sad idk I know my parents and grandparents always wanted grandkids and great grandkids but my only surviving grandma has cancer for the 5th time so it looks like I'm a disappointment.

At least I got a job and I'm supporting myself but I either need to do a chapter 7 liquidation bankruptcy or pay $500/month in interest. Everyone my age has kids and idk what to do... there's some really great people on here who have impacted me with their words and evidently I have done the same but it seems like nobody around me can see the pain I feel everyday... thinking of going back to my doc so I can be numb again. Idfk. I really try to do do my best but idk what my purpose in life is... what's my meaning. .. I guess ill find out sooner or later.
 
I have been through a lot of dark times recently but I have found true happiness. Never give up on it guys.

<3
 
^^ CH! Glad to see you're still around, I've been through some shit recently as well, haven't been on bluelight much the last year or two.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling happy though.
 
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