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He dances with the needle and spoon...leaving me emotionally numb

lovebugg

lovebugg

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 5, 2012
Messages
48
Background: I've been married to an addict for less than 2 years. you could look back at previous posts ive made to see that i've been struggling in many ways with this relationship...and it always is a result of his addiction and my co-dependency. he takes prescribed opiates daily (90 mg opana, 90 mg morphine sulphate, and oxycodone) and xanax, antidepressants, and heart stuff. he has been through drug rehab a long time ago and claims that he's remained clean.

i always sense that there is something going on behind closed doors...he cannot hold a job...he sleeps all day and stays up all night almost everyday. he acts paranoid that i'm running around on him and has acted out on this paranoia by doing childish things....he keeps loaded guns laying around and is a convicted felon.
his skin is pale and washed...i've pointed out fresh tracks on his arms asking what happened, and he always says its a scratch or a bug bite or whatever comes to mind...he's distant and depressed about 2-3weeks out of the month...his ups and downs are unpredictable...its taking a toll on my mental stability. i've been seeing a therapist for the past three or four years. we went to our first marriage therapy a cpl of weeks ago due to his paranoia of my "infidelity"..

Situation/Story to share: i'm an extremely light sleeper. over the past weeks, i've noticed/heard strange activity in the middle of the night/wee hours of the morning...well, last night at about 2 am, im in bed..he comes into the room, gets qtips and walks out. he didnt know i'd been watching. so i sit up and listen to whats going on in the living room...i stand at the bedroom door until i hear the sound i was waiting to hear..the sound of a bent spoon being balanced on my coffee table...my heart was POUNDING. i walk down the hallway, stand at the end of the hall where i could see him. he and his shit was in perfect view and his back was to me..he had no clue i was standing there. i stood there naked and quietly watched him set up his rig..he was intense and serious looking...chopping, crushing, the whole 9 yards...when he filled his needle up with water, he saw me out of the corner of his eye, looked at me. he froze and we stared at each other for a good 2 mins...All he could say is "what". i replied, "all the noise woke me up so i came to see what all the commotion was about..what are you doing?". He started appologizing for making too much noise causing me to wake up. so i repeated, what are you doing. he replied like he was baking fucking cupcakes, "what? oh.. me? just roxicet. why? whats wrong?"
i continued to stand there with the look of pure disgust on my face, as he carried on like i wasnt even standing there....i've never been so disrespected to my face in my life..i walked away back to the bedroom and stood at the doorway. i could hear it all happen...then he gets up, looks back in my direction with this smile that was the most devilish smile i've ever seen. he asked if i wanted to come lay and watch tv with him. i didnt reply...i just laid down in bed and prayed for myself.
he tried to lay down with me and i asked him not to touch me. i told him i was hurt. shooting up in my house, lying to my face, thats not cool..i'm not happy right now and i deserve more. he didnt see what the big deal was...i wasnt going to fight with him. i wanted him out of my sight. he actually feels that since i smoke pot, the door is open to do whatever he wants.

so thats it...thats my story for the day..i didnt intend for this to be a lengthy post, but it has turned out to be one. i dont know if i'm lookiing for answers, advice, a place to vent or what...i dont know. i do know that i'm not looking for sympathy and i'm not looking for negative remarks. just getting it off my chest feels better.

what the fuck though?? seriously what the fuck? :|
 
I'm sorry you're having to go through this lovebugg. I do have a couple of questions I feel I need to ask to understand better though - what do you think he was shooting up? (do you think it was smack?)
Because I mean, it is possible that he's shooting up his prescriptions. Wouldn't necessarily be the smartest thing to do but it's a possiblity, especially if he's been on them for a really long time and he's looking for a way to get the rush back or something.
As for his behavior, once again I do think it could just be the prescribed drugs; not necessarily likely but once again, it's possible.
 
pagey...this morning, i saw the spoon he used..it had light blue residue on it, which i think is the color of roxie. he is not prescribed roxie. and yes, it is veryyyyyy possible that hes slamming his prescriptions. he is also no stranger to shooting smack and coke.
 
lovebugg said:
pagey...this morning, i saw the spoon he used..it had light blue residue on it, which i think is the color of roxie. he is not prescribed roxie. and yes, it is veryyyyyy possible that hes slamming his prescriptions. he is also no stranger to shooting smack and coke.
Click to expand...

Roxycodone is just a brand of oxycodone - which one is he prescribed?
Have you ever talked to him about this IV'ing thing?
 
hmm...this all is normal shit with an addict..but at least have the respect for you to hide it? i mean when you walked out he should have at least tried to cover up..

i think he was shooting his prescription. Because if he had smack, he would of definitely hid it. and if your not a stranger to it, i assume you would notice the white/brownish powdered residue. it definitely would not be blue.

and if he had coke, he would not be sleeping like he has been. He wouldnt have wanted to lay down with you and watch tv. Hed probably ask you to go for a jog haha :D

good luck lovebugg... 8(
 
sounds like a terrible situation and what i would do is break off the relationship
being on that many drugs will make him seem like a completely different person, and kicking all those drugs will be a tremendous effort
GET OUT NOW imho
 
definitely roxis. we call em "blues" because of their blue color. I think there are blue morphine sulphate pills as well. hopefully he microns but I doubt it was you mentioned q-tips. a junkie is a junkie for life (I am one afterall). pain meds is a fear I have cuz that opens the door to justify using.
 
opium, i agree with you...but actually, i'm glad he didnt hide it...it speaks volumes of the type of person he has become/is...however, i think it would have been most respectful if he would've at least covered up or just kept it all out of the house like i've asked of him in the past.

this isnt the first rodeo...i've found traces of smack on the table (kind of a tannish color) and i've found coke all over the place. he has always tried to hide it all from me. i always find out.

he is not prescribed roxie..he got those off the street (how he purchased them being unemployed, i havent a clue).

i dont know if he's shooting his prescriptions...but i think it is very safe to assume that he is shooting his scripts. i see evidence all over the place..jacked up qtips, cut off cigarette butts, chewed up straws, black smut in weird places like in the bathroom, small splatters of blood on the wall or furniture..splatters of various colored residue on alot of things around the house. fresh tracks, bruises in the inner arm, top of foot, hands...smell of burnt rubber in the house sometimes..
the more i type, the more pissed i get at myself about it...:!
 
I would stick up for him a little but this sounds like shit i put my most recent ex thru.
She did nothing to deserve it other than give me a chance. Noone should be innocently thrown into this lifestyle.
She had maybe rolled and done coke she didn't deserve to find all of that shit you're describing above. From the q tips on down she found all of that shit. A few times i was able to convince her she was crazy.
I mean ultimately i was doing nothing but disrespecting her and her house. You guys are married its a little different but she gave me everything and asked only that i don't get high. I couldnt do it.
Live and learn. It still hurts me because she doesn't understand it and thinks she was somehow at fault. Like its her fault for getting to know me and believing me lol. I moved out of a halfway house to be with her. And we were both lonely but i used her. She thinks its her fault and she fucked up by wanting me with her.
We broke up i moved out and she still feels like there is something wrong with her.
 
lovebugg said:
opium, i agree with you...but actually, i'm glad he didnt hide it...it speaks volumes of the type of person he has become/is...however, i think it would have been most respectful if he would've at least covered up or just kept it all out of the house like i've asked of him in the past.
Click to expand...

true, at least he showed his true colors so you really know what your dealing with, and what you can expect from him.

Whatever you do, hope it works out. Sounds like you could do a lot better than him anyways. Love is Love though
 
The fact that he keeps loaded guns lying around would scare me. He gets some pretty strong prescriptions so maybe he's trading them. But oxycodone is the generic name for blues, unless her's getting percocet, still the label would say oxycodone.

He doesn't seem like he plans on quitting anytime soon. So you have to ask yourself if you can handle staying with him. :(
 
SineWaveSoldier...dude, your story is sooooo much like mine. yeah we are married but i'm learning that his heart seems to still be holding on tight to his mistress (Lady Addiction)..Besides the marriage, your situation sounds ohh so similar to mine.
like you did, he's worked some manipulation and convencing that i am crazy, fucked up and i am just as much (if not more) of an addict as him (we all know how it goes).. I am wise to his tactics and I dont play those games. I've done what I can..now, I just let him dig his hole deeper and deeper..

he moved into MY house..this is the house that i pay for and keep clean...i work a full time job..i pay all of the bills, buy & cook all of the food, pay his health insurance, his life insurance, his doctor visits, his prescriptions, his cigarettes, everything..I am literally the man of the house (female version).

when he fucks up like this, i dont do shit for him..if he needs money, he's got to go find someone else to bum. i dont buy any food, i have all of the cable shut off, i dont clean up, dont cook, dont kiss him goodbye in the morning, dont check on him, nothing..i go into "fuck it all" mode.

this time really did something to me though...i cant believe i've let it get this far...i, like your ex, feel at fault for alot of this as well. i dont enjoy this type of lifestyle..it can be chaotic and fuckin' weird sometimes. i cant control it..so i keep to myself and have detatched alot. no one should have to detatch in a relationship.

i appreciate you sharing your story with me....
just curious, what did the outcome of your relationship do to you and your addiction?
 
yes, i do smoke pot..i dont hide it and im not ashamed of it.. i dont do it behind closed doors..nor have i ever lied to my husband about it..im not addicted to the point of self endulgance daily..it doesnt take ahold of my life and wellbeing, my ability to be self sustaining..nor has it impacted any of my relationships or jobs.
one thing i dont do is inject myself with dirty old needles filled with a intoxicating mixture that could kill me instantly. i've found his needles uncapped in a greasy dirty toolbox. he has blood, lung, and kidney problems. collapsed veins..strokes..he's overdosed three times. ive watched him stop breathing several times during a nod out...blue lips and face..its just scary to me.

yes, a drug is a drug. i feel as though there are levels of extremeties. i havent turned my back on him..im still here. i was simply posting about a situation, as a scared and concerned wife...that's all.
 
Well the outcome is still tbd. This shit just happened a few mos. Ago. There's dynamics at play that were difficult to deal with even without me being an addict. I was lonely like i said. It was a bad idea for me to leave my job and city and jump into a relationship with 6 mos. Clean. She's older than me and she was really looking for something serious. I guess i wasn't. Not with her and not at that time.
It weighed on me to do it to her. So then i felt like i had to lie to her about everything including how i really felt about our relationship. I cant live off other people like that. I kept the house clean and cooked and eventually got a job. I was starting to get hooked again though and it ended up going up in flames.
She kicked me out; shit got worse... ultimately it was just a hindrance to my recovery. I'm on my path and doing better these days. It was a stupid and reckless decision to enter a relationship at that time. I really fuck myself in that department. You hear it often. Ive made some bad decisions out of pure loneliness.
 
vandiLLisM..i am sorry for pissing you off by belittling you with my ignorance and attitude. 1<3
 
lovebugg im so sorry to hear your struggle. The behavior he exhibited is not unusual, drug users tend to put the high as a priority. Maybe you should try to get him some help with a rehab but if he doesn't want to get clean then my heart hurts for you that you have to sit there and watch a loved one be taken to drugs. Do you guys have plans to have a kid anytime soon?
 
badfish45...hell no i do not plan on having children with him. i did at one time...but i'm knocking on my late 30s and my husband is an unemployed closet junkie...he never wants to have sex, so we never have sex either.
i'm just in a little pickle...lost somewhere in between a reality and my "happy place"...
tomorrow i go to my therapist and i am hoping to move one more step towards my own personal inner peace <3
 
SineWaveSoldier....you're going through some stuff man.. my heart goes out to you. happy to know you see where it all fell to hell and back..best lessons are learned that way. we've all made bad descsions out of pure lonleiness..
keep in touch with me, i could gleem much from you. %)
 
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