☮ Social ☮ EWO's out of the game

[eye_wide_open]

thanks dudes.
Sorry to be a post whore. I guess I'm just a bit scared and trying to keep ya'll updated at the same time.
I'm not working again anymore right now. All I can really focus on is this.
I need to try and get out fishing and stuff. I also have to worry about my move coming up soon... kinda stressful.
Heading for the next state up.

Ya know, I still don't think it's fully come to me what I've done to my kidneys yet either. The specialist will now.
that's the appointment I'm really trying hard ot make it to. The last D-bag cancelled on me fter making me wait two weeks with death attacks and chest pains.

I think that's where the anger started. then those fools tonight aghhhh a whole nother story.

Shower/thinking time.

 

[Chris Timothy]

EWO, please do make sure you're not creating a cardiac load by adopting a breathing style that pressurizes your heart. I had almost convinced myself there was something wrong with my heart as well, until I got a friendly reminder I should breath from the belly, allowing the pelvic floor to drop, keeping the rib cage at rest.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0kJ5eeWx6U&

It's easy to get stuck in that vicious cycle of fear, causing cramped breathing, causing organ discomfort, causing more fear, etc...

Take care.

 

[eye_wide_open]

I notced I may have to practice some breathing better, actually.
My breathing is eratic and uneven. Sometimes it's fine then other times feels like I get a crushing feeling from outside and my breath goes short. Kinda weird, but not painful. Just uncomfortable.

I'll try and breath from the gut and see if this helps any. Thanks man,
Happy trails.

Time to hit the sack and forget all these hospitals.
Maybe get some exercise tomorrow if I'm not having weird attacks.

 

[Si Dread]

Hey Ewo!

Hope you're feeling better today, keep your chin up man ("ow, my chin" Futurama).

Mate, if there was something properly wrong with your heart they WOULD have spotted it. I'm certain these "attacks" are emotional, ie panic/anxiety attacks. I have them myself & they often present as chest pain, tension across the chest. & I've had friends with anxiety problems who've called ambulances for anxiety attacks they thought were heart attacks. So you're not alone, these things happen.

If your "bath salts" were MDPV or any cathinone (espcially MMephedrone), & you've seriously abused them, you could have these issues for quite some time. You're going to need to calm yourself, stop worrying about dying, focus on other thing. I know its easy sitting here saying that, & of course everyone shits themselves if they end up feeling as bad as you do, but if youcan distance yourself mentally from you physicial problems, it'll do you good. Maybe try reading a coule novels, something to abosrb your attention. You need excercise AND rest!

Finally, try to be a bit more patient with the ER staff. They do have other patients &, quite simply, they don't know everything about everything. Walking out, losing your temper is not helping you, or the staff to help you. Be strong, be patient!

... & best of luck dude, lots of people are following this thread & thinking of you. Take care!

 

[Chris Timothy]

[...]until I got a friendly reminder I should breath from the belly[...]

That's to say, you should allow breathing from the belly.

While we're all giving you loving instructions for you what we think is best, the most important thing is that you learn to stop instructing your body.

Because you see, what MXE essentially did to us was forcing spontaneity. Pushing us to the top of the methaphorical pyramid, at which the whole works just does its thing. One humongous, spontaneous organism. You discovered it was "You" who was breathing, even if You didn't do so consciously in the ego state. In "your" normal state. Poor little me.

So underneath this whole mental mess there has grown a connection between breathing Yourself and divine bliss. Yet when coming down from the pyramid, you'll mix up "breathing Yourself" with "breathing yourself", which is how you're compelled to force your breath. In the unconscious part of your mind, the cut off aspect of You in the ego game, it's encoded you'll reach bliss again this way. Because it's only in conscious thought that cause and effect become discerned. In unconscious silence there are only go-togethers.

It's important to realize you can't do anything to fix your breath, or to get out of the mess you're in in general.

That might sound depressing, but it's not.

Because when you fully realize there's nothing you can do, there's nothing left to do but just.. watch what happens.

And You'll discover breathing happens automatically.


EWO is just another expression of this whole concept of forced spontaneity pervading our society. In a way you have taken it to its logical conclusion, by riding that wave towards devastation. Because it kills. Forcing spontaneity is killing spontaneity. It's killing love itself. That's that feeling in your chest. That's what You are trying to tell Yourself.

 

[eye_wide_open]

Well I got insurance for further visits to a few different hospitals if I need them, today.
I've been eating the damn Temazepam 15mg because they prevent the anxiety attacks.
I ate two today so far, haven't even come close to falling asleep. IT says they are for sleep. lol

The first one, I opened the capsule and dumped half the powder out and only took half of it. Then 6 hours later took the other half. Then in the afternoon while I was having some pho~, I took another full pill and still didn't feel tired.
I'm gonna go to sleep now without taking another pill, I don't feel any attacks coming today or right now.
Thanks goodness.

I don't feel normal, and lots of hot/cold flashes all day, but for once, no death anxiety today because I controlled it with more drugs. Oh boy...

I guess I have a real physician appointment in a few days. Report back then if anything new.
Otherwise, chomping pills to keep the anxiety away. They don't get me high or make me sleep either. Weirdness.
I may be used to them already. I have no idea about anything anymore. lol.

This all makes me think of that song by Maryln Manson..

"We're all stars now... In the dope show..
There's a lot of pretty, pretty ones
That want to get you high
But all the pretty, pretty ones
Will leave you low and blow your mind "

 

[mahoosive bendah]

temazepam won't knock you out.
it might help you relax if taken in the evening so help you sleep, but it rarely knocks people out
even on huuuge doses...

 

[25I_am_so_wonderfu]

I heard the new research chemical N-Ethylketamine is the perfect substance for what is ailing you. According to acedontal reports, it has cured the symptoms and causes of what you are experiencing. They are testing it in the UK and it seems to work.

 

[eye_wide_open]

Well since the "specialist" I saw today didn't let me say one word about my conditions before perscribing me anti-depressants that don't start working for a month...

I'm forced to believe health care is not an option for my recovery.
That and I fired that doctor.
Even the pharmacy is wondering WTF they are trying to do with me.

I Swear to whatever the hell is out there, health care refuses to help me.
I'll have to find a way to recover on my own, without stupid suggestions like this:

I heard the new research chemical N-Ethylketamine is the perfect substance for what is ailing you. According to acedontal reports, it has cured the symptoms and causes of what you are experiencing. They are testing it in the UK and it seems to work.

Specially since real doctors can't get it right.

So that's five doctor trips now and I'm still fucked like a cooked duck.
Time to go to a psychologist.
Doctors obviously have no fucking idea what they are doing with me. My patience for doctors and hospitals is now gone. 12 hours with doctors and hospitals today and I'm having a major anxiety attack right now, still.

 

[JBrandon]

He probably tried prescribing you antidepressants because many of them are effective for anxiety.

 

[eye_wide_open]

I'm not depressed.
I'm moving to another state.
I have prospects. I have a life, I'm happy.
I'm not going to ruin that for an SSRI.
That shit is evil.

I'd rather feel the death attacks.

The dumbfucks could give me 1mg xanax for another two weeks or so and I'd probably be fine but they refuse because they think I'm a drug addict who's going to abuse them and be back for more.

They couldn't be more wrong.

Fuck 'em. I'll go without it all. Seriously, this is too much bullshit to go through to try and get help. I'll sit here without it.
I'll lose my sanity fucking with all these dopehead doctors. I could do better myself.
I'll figure it out without them. They had their chance.

I'm not taking this anti-depressant.
There is other ways.

My pharmacy agrees.

 

[eye_wide_open]

lol they want me to take 30 of these. one a day.
http://www.naturalnews.com/027962_Paxil_antidepressants.html

More Bad News for Paxil: New Study Says Antidepressant Drugs Next to Worthless

More dangerous than good for someone coming off drugs. That stuff can make you suicidal and have sexual side effects! *Yikes*

Hmm, I'm already withdrawing and feeling terrible from coming off drugs, so lets up the suicide knob a bit and then detune the junk some and see what happens? nah..

Now Xanax has one function.
Helping Anxiety attacks.
Yet, after five doctors... I still haven't had one.

 

[JackARoe]

Well since the "specialist" I saw today didn't let me say one word about my conditions before perscribing me anti-depressants that don't start working for a month...

I'm forced to believe health care is not an option for my recovery.
I'll have to find a way to recover on my own

I've been following this thread and that place of knowing you will heal on your own without a doctor is a great place to be. Too many people are looking for a doctor, who knows nothing nor neither cares about a person's health beyond tests, to give a magic pill to fix things. Congratulations EWO, you graduated beyond that and will heal from this point on. I am dead serious. I think there has been healing all along except for that last "please pinpoint exactly what is wrong with me and give me a med to heal it".

A few years ago I had a friend that got into smoke blends. Swore up and down that he permanently screwed up his body and mind from 24/7 smoke blend use. Stopped, went to doctor after doctor who knew nothing while his symptoms got worse the more he focused on them. What happened after some time is he met the woman of his dreams and stopped paying attention to his symptoms. 3 months later he was a different person, no symptoms and basically laughed off the distress he was in earlier. He is healthy as can be and on a new chapter of his life. There was no permanent damage and the fact that he took his mind off of the anxiety and shakiness allowed the healing.

This thread is valuable and I believe you will heal 100%. I really do believe we are in constant motion either moving toward or away from health.

BTW I had a dog that had kidney failure in the last years of her life. Dandelion tea for the kidneys and milk thistle for the liver had her much better to where a vet even asked me what I did. For anxiety try some breathing exercises and keep telling yourself you are feeling better every day.

 

[Blake7]

@EWO - Speaking from experience, I would not be so quick to dismiss your SSRI's. I have found them a great tool in the past and I didn't even know I needed them until I tried them and then didn't look back. The chances of starting on your perfect SSRI first time isn't that good as some people try a number of brands before they find something effective but that isn't a reason not to take them.

I personally would recommend that you at least give them a fair try. Maybe they'll work, maybe they won't but there's only one way to find out. At the end of the day, what have you got to lose?

 

[eye_wide_open]

I've been following this thread and that place of knowing you will heal on your own without a doctor is a great place to be. Too many people are looking for a doctor, who knows nothing nor neither cares about a person's health beyond tests, to give a magic pill to fix things. Congratulations EWO, you graduated beyond that and will heal from this point on. I am dead serious. I think there has been healing all along except for that last "please pinpoint exactly what is wrong with me and give me a med to heal it".

A few years ago I had a friend that got into smoke blends. Swore up and down that he permanently screwed up his body and mind from 24/7 smoke blend use. Stopped, went to doctor after doctor who knew nothing while his symptoms got worse the more he focused on them. What happened after some time is he met the woman of his dreams and stopped paying attention to his symptoms. 3 months later he was a different person, no symptoms and basically laughed off the distress he was in earlier. He is healthy as can be and on a new chapter of his life. There was no permanent damage and the fact that he took his mind off of the anxiety and shakiness allowed the healing.

This thread is valuable and I believe you will heal 100%. I really do believe we are in constant motion either moving toward or away from health.

BTW I had a dog that had kidney failure in the last years of her life. Dandelion tea for the kidneys and milk thistle for the liver had her much better to where a vet even asked me what I did. For anxiety try some breathing exercises and keep telling yourself you are feeling better every day.

Thanks for confirming my thoughts.
At some point it becomes apparent that you shouldn't fuck with these drugs in the first place if you don't know this kind of thing is possible. If you don't want to be in and out of the doctors office every day, don't be slaggin' back unknown powders.

I had no idea what REAL anxiety was at the beginning of all this.
Now I wish I could forget it.

I'll be ok.

I'm going to work on my Kidneys now. Everyone seems to forget that each time I go see a doctor.
But I have another appointment already tomorrow! 8(
So hopefully we'll get to the bottom of the Kidneys soon.

I'm stuck with the panic attacks and have to work them away on my own.
There is no magic pill, and if there is, the doctors are not going to give it to me anyway.
That's no reason to take depression medication.
Specially one shrouded in controversy.

I'll be handing those pills back to that doctor soon when I tell her why I won't take them and that I'm changing doctors.

People are just throwing shit at me now to see what happens.
Like I said before, the experiment is over.
Smarter than the average bear.

 

[SONN]

I'm not going to ruin that for an SSRI.
That shit is evil.

although I haven't had any real life experiences affirming this I have been totally inclined to believe this. I wouldn't take that shit if someone paid me.

 

[eye_wide_open]

I have to go give the medication back to the doctor today, give her that link I printed and tell her I don't want the medication she thinks she wants me to take without asking me my opinion or letting me speak.

That should wake her up a bit.

Then I need to tell her I'm switching "home doctors" that the insurance sent me to this quack and I need to go find somebody else.

I'm not taking medication from a doctor who won't let me speak about my conditions.
She didn't let me say ANYTHING during the appointment, and she told me, "Please don't talk I have to get to the next patient, just let me ask you the questions".

That's the biggest bullshit I ever heard of. That doctor is jacked the hell up.
No way does she deserve my business.

Not one of these fuckhead doctors has done anything about my Kidneys.
Nothing.

What are they planning to do with me? Feed me medication that's going to be worse for my kidneys until they give out?

 

[thoughtsUnThought]

I'm glad you're not just swallowing the standard practice you're being sent through without questioning its legitimacy...hate to see a fellow seeker chewed up by pharmaceuticals and/or sheep herded through the system blindly.

I don't know what's right for you necessarily as I am no expert, but its awesome you're investigating and questioning what your being fed as factual by people in doctor clothes. Far too many people get sold on the doping their problems away route via antidepressants etc...are the issues every fully resolved when you do this? How does one know of one has gotten past their issues if they continue eating drugs which change their neurochemistry..? Scary shit imo...the intricacy of our thought patterns and emotional cycles are to delicate and profound to throw an ssri– flavoured bandaid over.

Keep your head up friend..allow you're higher purpose to shine and may its light heal the flesh

Try meditation...works magical wonders on anxiety. Read on zazen I'd suggest...if you learn to let go and not further fuel your thoughts, but rather observe your processes in silence of mind then you should be much more equipped to combat these death anxiety attacks.

I think we talked a while back in cryptic poetry through pms lol, not positive though. Hit me up of you'd like to hear more about meditations. Best of progressions brother

 

[eye_wide_open]

Try meditation...works magical wonders on anxiety. Read on zazen I'd suggest...if you learn to let go and not further fuel your thoughts, but rather observe your processes in silence of mind then you should be much more equipped to combat these death anxiety attacks.

I think we talked a while back in cryptic poetry through pms lol, not positive though. Hit me up of you'd like to hear more about meditations. Best of progressions brother

That we did, and I am much in debt to your efforts to suppress my insanities at that time. haha.
Thank you, brother.

Meditation was apt to be my next guess. I have been trying to practice this lately, and recently realized it may benefit me in my current conditions. I'm happy to see other bright souls suggest this.
I will have to practice meditation more.

It feels like overcoming the anxiety is do-able.

I took only half a pill (temazepam) yesterday. I opened the capsule, dumped half the powder out and just took half.
Felt like old times, splitting up some good drugs or something.

Luckily, I don't really feel half a Temazepam pill working, but it helps the anxiety.

I'm trying to ween myself off all anxiety medication permanently.

On another note:
The doctor wasn't happy to hear I don't want to follow her recommendations.
I asked about my Kidneys after she was done with her speech saying what she had given me "paxil" was not an anti-depressant like it says it is in the description on every website I visited.

She said I have to have my medical records transferred to her.
They hadn't even tried to do so, they did not inform me they hadn't thought about my kidney disease and how to treat it... nothing.

These people are just plain fuckheads running the doctors here in SoCal.

I told that doctor she's fired. I'm calling my insurance now to move my doctor BACK to where it was when I had my Kidneys tested in the first place, so no medical records need transferring. Then hopefully, somebody will fuckin' help me with my kidneys.

I'll work on the panic/anxiety on my own.
I'm the only one who can solve that to any permanent extent.

Many thanks guys.
I'm drinking tea every day and trying to keep calm and stop ingestion of salt, etc.
Just have to find a doctor who won't beat around the bush of my kidneys and have my insurance transfer me back to where I was, AWAY from the stupid "specialist". lol!

Gotta love life.
To be honest, I do love life right now.
Death anxiety will scare the shit out of you so bad, it will cure suicidal thoughts instantly.
I want to live right now. lol. I'm not depressed. I'll fix the anxiety. Just help with my kidneys or leave me be.
They didn't even look to see if the TB shot they gave me the other day did anything.
I'm in disbelief but thankfully I know why the world is a giant spiderweb and I just have to try and realize people are lunatics, and I'm the one with the sanity. Gonna try and preserve that, along with my kidneys, from now on.

All these problems aren't worth a few binges and some magical MXE visions, although it sure changes your outlook on things. (health problems, and MXE visions both!)

Edit:
aghhhhhh damn
MY next appointment is a freakin' month away!
Sheesh!
I Scheduled the appointment specifically for my Kidneys though,
but it's still considered seeing a "family doctor" first to see whats wrong before they send me to the new specialist, I guess.

This is going to take months/years to get figured out.

 

[JBrandon]

Reconsider the bath salts vs MXE as the cause of your problems:

http://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=90236

And it is clear from your posts that you have developed a severe anxiety disorder and OCD complex. You're fixating on "figuring out what is wrong with you". You already know the answer. You fucked up your kidneys. There's no miracle cure, modern medicine or otherwise.

The real problem you have now is with your brain - your thought processes are clearly fucked. Sounds to me like you're convinced all these doctors are wrong (before you even walk in the door) because they don't agree with the conclusions you're drawing based on your "internet research" with the "experts" here at BL.

It honestly sounds like something I would read in an MDPV thread.

Not sure why this is still in PD, this belongs in TDS.