Hi all, first time here posting but have read BL for a long long time. I'll qualify: 43 years old from N.J. - Started my heroin habit 22 years ago, so I guess I'm an "old time dope fiend."
Long story short, after about 15(+) years of struggling with the dope BS and the methadone BS and the "dual addiction" BS and the pills BS (Remember when Oxy's were five bux and used for an "emergency?" I do.), I eventually got clean and managed to get 4 years clean time AND worked a program. That is, until I got "too smart" for this disease. By "back-up" DOC is booze, which I relapsed on. Within a week I was in Camden, ripping and running again.
My habit went up to a bundle a day, we all know how that goes. So I made the decision about 8 months ago that it was time to stop. I made the attempts at going cold turkey and actually made it for about 8 days, and even though I was through the worst of it, I just had to get "one more" to "say goodbye." Sure.
Since then, because I've gone from the frying pan into the fire with methadone, I've tried the Suboxone route and have had a fair degree of success with it for six months. No script, which is probably better for me, I only get one or two at a time. The most I've done at once was 6mg, immediately (second dose) dropped to 4mg and have found that the "less is more" theory works for me and hover at about 1.5mg daily. My problem has been for the past two months of "chipping off" a few bags a week. In other words, I'll skip a Sub dose for 24 hours or more and get a few (4-6) bags. We all know where this goes, and I end up using for three to five days before resuming the subs. Smart, eh? Sure.
So here's where I'm at: On my last dope tear, which ended one week ago (Thurs, Aug 30/2012) I had been three days away from my last Sub dose, so I was probably at at blood serum level of .5mg or less, since I was really feeling the dope. My per day dope "habit" was only three per day, with the last day only two bags. I then resumed my Sub schedule as follows, with one .75mg sliver off of a strip and one 8mg tablet.
Fri: .75mg strip, insufflated in early PM then .5mg tablet insufflated late PM - Physically OK. Mentally, shot.
Sat: 1.5 mg insufflated AM then .5mg insufflated PM - Physically OK. Mentally, emotionally shot.
Sun: 1mg insufflated in am then .5mg insufflated PM - Physically OK. Mentally, emotionally shot. Beginning to scheme.
Mon: 1mg insufflated in am nothing at nite. Scheme has been turned into decision: I have 30 bucks, going to get two bags and one Sub on Tues before class. (Yeah... college student to boot.)
Tues: Hit CMD - WAY HOT, got ripped for 20 and did a crappy bag with the 10.00 for my Sub. Pissed off at self and decided this is enough. Have about 2mg left and no dough because I spent it on dope...like a...well... dope.
Wed: Feeling crappy emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and sorta physically. Not sure how much of it is manufactured in my head, but does it really matter? I feel it. As long as I feel it, it is real enough to me. Took the 2mg and gut it down to .5mg doses, with the intent of spreading it over a few days. .5mg insufflated in the AM - By PM, a wreck and did another .5mg
Thurs: (Today) .5mg insufflated in the AM. 4mg loperamide and 25mg Benadryl. Physically OK within an hour and a half, just shot in the head.
My plans, since they always work out so well... is to wait as long as possible tomorrow to take .25mg and try to wait till Sunday for the other .25 then jump into oblivion.
I hope...God I hope... that given my relative small dope habit; the fact that in 7 days, I've only done one bag, and in 9 days; come Sunday I will have only taken 8.75mg of Suboxone with an approximate starting blood serum level of .5mg or less, I won't be too sick, physically.
I really am tired of this crap. I've seen the writing on the wall for months, but am too conditioned and become terrified of WD and PAWS. After a 1/4 century of NUMEROUS cold turkey's, one would think I would glide through this. Seems it gets harder as I get older. I've pent the past four years in school with a 3.94 GPA and I'm less than six months away from graduating and I can't wire my ass to my head long enough to make it through a class, much less do work.
With that, does anyone have any experience in A) Being the Mitt Romney of dope fiends and flip-flopping between low dose Sub and a few bags a day? B) Detoxing from a kindergarten habit with 8mg or so of Sub and come out OK?
Thanks to any and all.