Is anyone else driven insane by repetition, monotony, predictability?

[RedLeader]

Hello. People often say that insanity is "repeating the same behaviour and expecting a different result." Close to this, I understand that being exposed to the same behaviour time and time over is sufficient to drive a person mentally insane.

I've always been a person who lives a dynamic life. I like to move/travel a lot, try new things, work different jobs, etc. I don't know how anyone could be a homebody, work the same job for thirty years, drive the same way to work each day, have the same conversations with coworkers every morning, go to the same place for lunch each day, and so on. I avoid predictability, love the challenges of uncertainty. However, as a result of totally screwing almost every aspect of my life up with opiate addiction, I'm imprisoned by circumstances into a life that is very narrow, rigid and repetitive. Repetition and monotony have always been large fears of mine, and things I've been running from most of my life. But now I'm stuck in a routine that is slowly driving me insane. And having been on various medications (prescribed and self-administered) for ten years in attempt to help me calm down, now not taking anything (aside from vitamins/supplements) is really making the resulting anxiety, stress and obsessive-compulsiveness (I count repetition by instinct, see patterns in things, etc) really intense.

I also have strong physiological reactions to repetition. I get tremendous anticipation anxiety when I know that I'm about to be exposed to a repetitive stimulus. An example of this would be a situation at work where if I do something too quick, a sequence of four beeps will sound off. Another example would be walking into a room where a person is and knowing that this person's going to utter a token catch phase (My friend J, for example, will say "There he is!" every time I enter a room - up to twenty times a day). And when the actual situation occurs, my synesthesia* kicks in and I get some unpleasant physical reactions. For example, if I hear a word spoken that begins with "ben---," I get a horribly bitter taste in my mouth that is overwhelming enough that I am making a face. The syllable "inc" makes me physically shiver, especially through my sides and lower-back. Let's say that I'm riding in a car with someone and we're going on a usual path somewhere and are about to go around a turn. I know that this person always says "want to go through the drive-thru up around the bend?" after the second traffic light. Once we get to that second traffic light, my heart races and my skin crawls knowing that the person's about to say the catchphrase that contains a word that's going to make my mouth go all bitter. The more I am stuck in repetition, the more my disorders seem to invent new situations like these, and the more I suffer from the outstanding stress of it all.

*This is a disorder where your senses cross. Tasting sounds, for example.

I tell this to people in real life and they look at me like I'm nuts. Or they tell me to "calm down" and "not let it bother me." But I figure that maybe a few people in TDS will be able to relate to this type of thing and how a solution is more complex than some hackneyed phrase.

Mindfulness and mediation help to the extent that the demonization and horror behind what's going on calms down, but it does nothing to stop the immediate physical responses to repetitive things. I hate getting stressed, I hate being angry. I wish that it were as simple as being able to meditate in the mornings and this all would go away, but it's not. It's overwhelmingly physical for me, and the immediate physiological reactions come so quick that any mindfulness or CBT strategy seems to not be able to be put into place before I go through an amount of physical suffering. I try and vary the things I do in my personal time as much as possible, but my options are really limited right now, given the mess I've made of my life.

It feels like a watered-down version of the Chinese water torture situation (oh!). It is this type of thing that is situational-typed in movies/television as driving people to insanity. But I don't want to snap and do something horrible, no, but I'd like to be able to break free of this type of situational anxiety. I need to be able to find some type of balance, where I am connected to the world enough to still interact with people and things that are very repetitive, but disconnected enough that I can tune out the things that bother me.

I'm rambling a bit, forgive me. But can anyone relate to any of this?

 

[motherofearth]

Hey Red! The dynamism in your life is theorized to keep you younger in a way. Not biologically, but by seeking more novel activities the mind doesn't have as much reign to enter a mechanical, or autopilot, mode, and thus the engagement with new people/places/things slows time, or so the theory goes. I wish I was able to leave my comfort zone more often for fresher waters.

The disorder you have sounds nerve-racking to say the least. It reminds me of turrets in the psychosomatic way it is triggered. Could it be an offshoot of that, or is it something unto itself? In any case, the accompanying anxiety is shitty enough, I'm sure. It sucks people minimize your problem when you trust them enough to share it.

Have you ever tried Dialectical Behavioral Therapy? It is a subsect of CBT that focuses more keenly on emotional mindfulness and stress tolerance, but a lot of it is the feedback loop between the body and the mind.

 

[Cycik]

I can't completely relate as I'm not in the working world yet but I'm terrified of the rat race and conforming to what most peoples life is, get a job, work, get married and have kids then die. I tend to get angry fast and badly as well with these sorts of things but yours is affecting your life quite dramatically and I do kind of relate. I get bad anxiety from thinking about these things like I HAVE to accomplish my goals and live the life I dream, I don't even see failure as an option which makes it quite scary. Meditate and tried heaps of things but the anxiety and panicky thoughts, anger etc always comes back and hits twice as hard :/.

 

[herbavore]

^Cycik, I feel like conforming is a choice unless you are in a prison camp and not conforming means torture or death. I am amazed at the number of people that see themselves being forced into something when it is completely up to the individual whether or not to take the prescribed routes mapped out for their particular class, gender, culture, etc. I understand that it is a struggle to reject the norms (a continuing struggle) but I think it is more a matter of defusing the voices of fear in our own heads. Of course it means accepting the choices you make and the consequences of those choices. Feeling panicky or angry usually means you are saying yes to something that your spirit wants you to say no to or vice versa.

As to your situation, RL, that seems different. You have a super sensitivity to repetition and, for the near future, you don't have a lot of control over that in your daily life. In addition, it sounds like the synethesia is another separate sensitivity but compounded by the first. I guess my question is this: is the fact that your life is necessarily more prescribed right now what is causing the synesthesia to feel unbearable? Did your synesthesia occur as much or with the same severity when you were living a life more in tune with what you need? I guess the two things that are popping out at me to try are EMDR and hypnosis. Both can be effective for specific triggers. My son had a very different (and I guess lucky) experience with synethesia in that his was always a very positive experience with colors and tastes associated with sounds, but they were pleasant or neutral rather than uncomfortable. I'm curious; are any of your other experiences with your synesthesia pleasant?

 

[Schlad]

Wow that describes me perfectly, I kinda think it should be normal for real humans being to feel like this. Two things, you always get what you want, but you also always get what you don't want, you do mindfulness, me too, it helps, nature is always affirmative and creates based on how much focus and feelings (energy) a situation or thing is given. I found cannabis is a great way of doing time and focusing on what's real and important, until you can go and live the original, creative, you life that you should ☺
As one guru said to a man who was having problems getting in to a mindfull relaxed state, while living over a car repair shop, 'move!'.

 

[Schlad]

If a plant won't grow in the shade, put it in the sun! Our environment is hugely important, we have legs, and vehicles, and resourcefulness, people like us thrive in situations that demand outside of box living, have fun change is lifeblood to us

 

[Photomagx]

Hi, I have a softer version of what you suffer from. I cannot stand routine. I cannot stand people who conform and do and say the same things over and over. I pride myself in being unique. I live in the wilderness away from people but I do travel and interact with humans as I say quite often. Things aggravate me like this eclipse coming. Every person in the world has to talk about it. it is all over the radio. I hate Christmas so much since it is all in the stores and they play the same music over and over!! It is aggravating to an extent but nothing like what you go through.

I have never had it interfere with my normal functioning but there are times I avoid things such as malls at xmas time. So I can totally relate. I am a complete nonconformist it seems now. When everyone has to do the same thing I have to do the exact opposite. Even people copying and pasting on facebook aggravates me. lol.. the same thing over and over!@!

I avoid things at times but I acknowledge the repetition and monotony and then I go to my grateful list which puts me in my happy place. What you focus on is what becomes. I meditate quite often and I focus on what I want in life and where I want to be. I change my thoughts when I am brought upon routine. I think so outside the box I do not even have a box. I take my thoughts to where my body reacts in a happy chemical way. We can learn how to fire our own brain chemistry. The thought comes first then the emotion follows. I change my thoughts and I am fine.
I own Photography Magazine Extra. I travel all of the time to new places and meet new interesting people. You can view it here if you would like. http://www.photomagx.com I notice that this is a very old article. How are you doing with it now? Have you done anything to help it?

I like how you write when you described the extreme version of what I am going through. I googled it to read about it today since the eclipse garbage is driving me nuts. Maybe you would like to write an article or two for me to break up your monotony? I travel get new experiences and write about it. Where are you from?

 

[malakaix]

I'm rambling a bit, forgive me. But can anyone relate to any of this?

As someone that travels frequently and for long periods, the inevitable repetition of life, work and routine is a constant bane of my existence.

I once had an old job that was extremely repetitive and time sensitive. This meant that talking while working was prohibited and you were expected to repeat the same actions over and over all day. Some people had been there for 10,20 even 30 years.. doing the same repetitive actions over and over. All you had to do was look at the faces of these people to see they were dead on the inside and had no fight left, like a broken record on loop. This environment harboured bitterness in people and turned them into something that was non-human over a long enough period of time.

I snapped at this job after 1.5 years and got into a huge argument with someone. I quit the next day. The release of emotion of repressing my frustration over the repetitive nature of the job and people was so overwhelming I was physically shaking. I took this job after getting back from 2 years of travel/working abroad where each day I was interacting with different people, often in different places and under spontaneous or unusual circumstances. Honest to god it felt like I was been squeezed through the eye of a needle.

I find a lot of discomfort in familiarity which is probably odd for most people but when I see the same people, hear the same conversations, mannerisms, jokes, same routine.. it makes me feel crazy. Like i've become stuck in some loop. Your situation definitely seems more intense then anything I've ever experienced; I think my response to this over time has been a form of emotional numbing where I'm almost completely tuned out from my environment. I don't feel much of it.

This obviously isn't ideal and was a lot worse a couple of years ago. I've since loosened the grip on my emotions and starting to engage with life more.. but for a time it's been the only way for me to deal with the extreme monotony of work/life routine. It's one of the reason's I become addicted to travel because I get a rush like nothing else when I'm somewhere unfamiliar with people that don't speak English and everything is chaotic and wild. The spontaneity seems to light a fire inside. Even though it's not truly sustainable to live like this.

Life demands balance, still working on that.

 

[sigmond]

I have always had the same perspective and am still struggling to commit to the inevitable fate of 'relentless monotony' the rat race. I believe many philosophers believed it was a sign of wisdom and virtue to be able to live simply and happily. In my experience observing others its more a result of ignorance and delusion unless perhaps you have a really good wife. good wife good life - banal platitudes in abundance/

My health has deteriorated and my life has gotten so sad that i'll be happy to carve out a mediocre existence as long as i can tolerate what ever job ill eventually come across. Everything changed when my life became more about survival than excelling or living an ideal existence. Eventually ill try to cultivate Wu Wei but for now im just trying to get in some kind of rhythm. DFW talks about this in his commencement address: https://web.ics.purdue.edu/~drkelly/DFWKenyonAddress2005.pdf

 

[herbavore]

I like how he emphasizes that it is an ongoing educational process:

It is unimaginably hard to do this, to stay conscious and alive in the adult world day in and day out. Which means yet another grand cliché turns out
to be true: your education really IS the job of a lifetime. And it commences: now.

 

[Ozekat]

I like this thread. A lot. Wonder what happened to OP?

It's funny how addiction is exactly the end result of repetitive bullshit and a very boring lifestyle indeed.

I would say to OP, tell those co-workers to quit saying the same fucking shit every good damned time you walk thru the office. Lol but that's just me. Call them on their disgustingly predictable behavior and speech patterns.

Get a different job. Life is too short to give a fuck. I say there are two kinds of not giving a fuck, the good kind and the bad. Obviously the former would be something along the lines of fuck this shit I am going out on a limb to do something wildly positive and totally something I haven't experienced before.

Sometimes people need a kick in the ass. I'm not saying be mean or rude but fuck, sometimes good advice grates on the ears.

I can't fucking sleep tonight is it that obvious?