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Thread: Why there is such a correlation between alcoholism and sociopathy.

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    Why there is such a correlation between alcoholism and sociopathy. 
    #1
    When I am sober, I am so numb that is almost unbelievable. I am an ex Oxy addict, and when I would take Oxy, it strengthened my abilities to manipulate and to not give a shit. When I'm sober, I am so apathetic and monotonous it's unbelievable. When I'm under the influence of alcohol, I can actually feel real emotions! It's unbelievable! I take it as a blessing, and I drink for my own well being, for I can relate and empathize with others when I drink. However, if a certain situation goes without my favor, I CAN be corrupted by an uncontrollable rage, that will not benefit another. Although, when I'm sober, and when I'm drunk, I have such self control that nobody qould realize that I'm under the influence. I have so much control over my emotions that it's inhuman. When I drink, I feel human. I can understand anothers pain, and understanding that pain is so exhilarating, I love when I cry. I only cry when I drink, and it feels so good, because I never get to feel such emotion in my normal state of mind. Does anyone else feel the same? I feel more homicidal when I'm sober, but when I'm drunk, I can almost empathize with a person, and feel their pain, that which I have never felt before. And feelings that I have never felt before are so intoxicating, that I must feel them again, and the only way to feel them again is to drink. At the same time, I can flip the switch and become a murderous bastard when I'm drunk. When I found out my roommate had had sex with my X gf, I was drunk, and the switch was flipped, and me being of average build, I almost beat to death a person that was the same as me, over an ownership dispute.
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    #2
    Everybody seems to think they are a sociopath these days, it's the new Major Depression.

    A sociopath would not start a thread like this, you're psyching yourself up.

    Just my opinion. Having a drug problem and trust issues is not the same thing as sociopathy. Pillheads do end up acting like sociopaths if they go down that road too long, but I'd almost be willing to bet money on the idea that if you talked to a mental health professional they would say you have a drug problem, not a sociopath problem.

    I have a cousin whose pill problem got so bad she was stealing money from her own family, from like not her immediate family she'd compulsively steal from other cousins who had families and were poor. We all started thinking she was a sociopath. Then she went to out-patient rehab and she's totally fine now, a perfectly empathetic and loving person. It took rehab to get her to that point though.

    You're already grabbing onto this stupid arbitrary label of "sociopathy" to justify to yourself the fact that you act like an asshole. I bet if you stopped drinking and using drugs for a few weeks or months, your "sociopathy" would evaporate. I know that's not what you want to hear, and I really don't care, you can think of yourself as a sociopath if that's the only way you can deal with yourself, but there are healthier routes.
    Last edited by It's a baby!; 23-06-2012 at 03:58.
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    #3
    Bluelighter Ho-Chi-Minh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by It's a baby! View Post
    Everybody seems to think they are a sociopath these days, it's the new Major Depression.

    A sociopath would not start a thread like this, you're psyching yourself up.

    Just my opinion. Having a drug problem and trust issues is not the same thing as sociopathy. Pillheads do end up acting like sociopaths if they go down that road too long, but I'd almost be willing to bet money on the idea that if you talked to a mental health professional they would say you have a drug problem, not a sociopath problem.

    I have a cousin whose pill problem got so bad she was stealing money from her own family, from like not her immediate family she'd compulsively steal from other cousins who had families and were poor. We all started thinking she was a sociopath. Then she went to out-patient rehab and she's totally fine now, a perfectly empathetic and loving person. It took rehab to get her to that point though.

    You're already grabbing onto this stupid arbitrary label of "sociopathy" to justify to yourself the fact that you act like an asshole. I bet if you stopped drinking and using drugs for a few weeks or months, your "sociopathy" would evaporate. I know that's not what you want to hear, and I really don't care, you can think of yourself as a sociopath if that's the only way you can deal with yourself, but there are healthier routes.


    A truly enlightening post. Bravo. Encore.
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    #4
    I don't tell anyone in real life this stuff, and I have been clinically diagnosed, with a few brain MRI's as evidence and a diagnosis of conduct disorder in middle school. I've been hospitalized multiple times, and have quite a criminal record, not to brag, cause it's nothing to brag about, but considering my upringing.. well ya know. There is so much evidence pointing to the fact.. I set 2 out of control fires as a child and wiggled my way out of persecution by blaming my sister, as such a young individual. I wet the bed until I was a teenager, I secretly killed and tortured my pet hamsters and blamed their death on the other hamster that was in the same cage so my parents would buy me another and I'd continue my torture(this continued to about 4 hamsters until my parents stopped buyin me them). I'm sorry if my post is non linear, for I am drunk. I was also brought up in a wealthy family with a psychopathic father who would beat me with a spatula one day, then buy me all the toys I could ever dream for the next day (so I wouldn't tell my mommy! ).

    And, I'm not a "pill head", thank you very much, you fucking ass hole. I don't need or want for money, because I have it. I don't need to steal, because I can pay for it. I'm not a fucking drug addict, so reflect your own insecurities on someone else; actually, go look in a god damn mirror. I don't use drugs cause I'm on probation. If I wasn't on probation.. I'd have my Eyes On the Roll

    Awesome moderator. Someone comes to TDS to talk about their problems, and they get scorned. I recommend you for deletion, you fucking bastard.

    But yeah, it's kind of apparent. I'm just trying to figure out psychological speculation (and I am minoring in psychology.. something you wouldn't know about..) towards the fact why most professionals draw such a connection between aspd and alcoholism/substance abuse, and that is because I think that with drugs we can actually be normal, and that is something we desire even if we don't want to admit it. And this is not something I would NEVER admit in real life to a person.
    Last edited by Eyes On the Roll; 23-06-2012 at 10:12.
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    #5
    Yeah yeah you're a super special badass who's different from everyone . I haven't been to jail but I've been surrounded by police before! . I've had people say they were going to shoot me before, even, that's how crazy my life was If I wasn't so fucking smart and paranoid I would have gone to jail (see, I can be arrogant too! I have an IQ of 140, I got through school AND college without even trying, I graduated two fucking years early at a good school in a DIFFICULT major on a scholarship when I was 19) I've been in a psychiatric ward too . My father was an abusive alcoholic , my mother was suicidally and hysterically depressed and would yell and scream about how she wish she'd never had children (in particular me, she got pregnant out of wedlock when she was 21) . I wet the bed until I was 13 and I loved starting fires, who doesn't ? I've lied, I've acted like an asshole, I've stolen money from family once or twice, I used to torture insects . Whatever helps you sleep at night "bro".

    I've literally known about half a dozen people like you, the ones who stopped using drugs got better, the ones who didn't act like sociopaths. If you want honest advice on getting better, stop drinking and go see a psychotherapist.

    If you want to be a fucking asshole who makes tons of excuses for himself, have fun with that. You come on here claiming to be a sociopath and I'm telling you you're not, and that really bothers you a lot, seems to have struck a cord, because you are not a real sociopath. Being an asshole is not a mental illness. If you are so dissociated from yourself why not CHOOSE to have a moral code? You'll be a lot happier with one, go read the Gospel of Luke or something.

    I'm not surprised to hear you came from a rich family. Believe me it shows. Wealthy people hide their inner demons and they come out in the kinds of behavior your dad did. Poor white trash are used to being around unstable people. We're so used to it that we realize everybody is unstable.

    I'll stop giving you a taste of your own medicine though, you started this thread because you wanted to be coddled and told it's not your fault. But it is YOUR fucking fault, YOU control YOU.

    Last edited by It's a baby!; 23-06-2012 at 12:50.
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    #6
    I don't mean to be a dick, but nobody is impressed that you're a diagnosed sociopath, dude. Sorry but I've seen your threads and you always end up talking about it like it's your crowning achievement, but you honestly come across as someone who is simply trying too hard. We get it.

    If you wish to feel emotions, and CAN feel emotions when you're drunk or high, you should probably see a new psychiatrist and get a second opinion. I'm obviously no licensed professional, and I could be wrong, but I know that a hallmark of sociopathy is that they generally have no desire to emote, and they certainly wouldn't subject themselves to alcoholism (and this is coming from somebody who damn near drank himself to death in order to cope with certain dark parts of myself and my life) simply so they can feel emotions and empathize. Sure, they'll drink a lot, but not out of some desperate attempt to feel like an emotional human being. Not so that then can cry, because they "love crying." No. Sorry. Again, I could be wrong, but I've read a LOT about AsPD and it just doesn't add up. You mentioned this in the alcoholism thread once, how you NEED to drink so that you can feel. You ought to get a second diagnosis because in reality it simply sounds like you're a narcissistic and spoiled person who lacks an integral identity but happens to be very intelligent, who was unfortunate enough to get an inaccurate diagnosis and probably watches too much Dexter. That is not the same as a sociopath.

    I've met so many people just like you, and it always ends up being the same thing: they build up an ego based on totally superficial aspects with no substance (I'm a SOCIOPATH, I'm BAD, I beat people up, I'm a martyr who has to drink to relate to people, I'm good looking, I have so much self-control, I can manipulate people, etc) because they're incredibly insecure (without always realizing it), feel the need to justify their behavior and shortcomings, and are unable to face it at all. Why? Because they were raised by fucked up assholes so they weren't conditioned to have certain boundaries growing up, and they don't trust anybody so they put up a wall to suppress their true emotions. When you suppress unpleasant emotions (such as those resulting from abandonment, insecurity, etc), you pretty much suppress the rest of your emotions along with them. You've also referenced the Macdonald Triad (not by name) as some of your symptoms as a kid. Pissing the bed, lighting fires, and torturing animals. Go ahead and look up "Macdonald Triad" on Google and see how much credibility its given in the mental health community as a valid predictor of sociopathy. It's not. Is it seen in the childhood of some serial killers? Yeah. Because they're signs of a child who feels powerless and feels the need to assert a defense.

    I really think that folks like you need help and should seek it, because you shouldn't feel the need to subject yourself to poisoning your body just so you can feel. Alcohol has a way of removing inhibitions, including for people who inhibit their own emotions. They're still there and you're still human. Get real help because over time, booze will make it a lot worse and eventually you'll wish that all you felt when sober was "numb."
    Last edited by blahman8000; 23-06-2012 at 12:34.
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    #7
    Ok, I admit, you're right. My parents were fucked up, and I'm fucked up in one way or another, whether it be schizophrenia, bipolar, aspd, narcissism, or all of the above . I'm a fucked up individual and many people who have gone through worse than what I myself have gone through have triumphed as a pure hearted individual . I'm just too weak to realize it. I'm a piece of shit, I know. At least ASPD's have an excuse to be who they are, cold blooded fucks who don't give a shit with a specific neurological disorder to talk about.. I guess that's why I've been trying to come to terms with being diagnosed ASPD, for an excuse. I have little to no frontal lobe activity and that has been shown by brain imaging, and my father has tormented me about that all my life and I fucking hate him. Doctors are shit these days, why dhould we trust a diagnoses? I've been miss diagnosed time and time again, and have gone through treatment and have been drugged time and time again.. only to be diagnosed with another thing that certainly does not pertain to me. So is there a real definition for what I am? I guess not, cause it confuses everybody.I have a conscience and I still don't give a fuck. I'm corrupted and screwed, so what. I'm who I am and I won't change. People have fucked with me when I've offered nothing but trust and security, and I was taken advantage of for the benefits that come with being with a person like me, and it has made me bitter. If I'm worse than what I spoke of in my first post, then go ahead and say it, but the thing is, I don't think there is anyone worse than what was explained in my first post. So I take it as a compliment that you have some faith in myself, to be a pure and selfless individual. Thank you.

    My dad suggested that I was autistic. You know what I did? I became so FUCKING angry that he felt that I was mentally inferior to himself, and I was soooo done with the psychological torture that he inflicted upon myself, that I ruined his fucking image by hurting myself. Yes, I got arrested because I wanted to, I lived in the moment, only to tarnish my fathers image, and it worked. I hope he dies in a fire, I hope he suffers as much as I have, and I don't EVER want to see his face again.

    Also, this is irrelevant to the topic, but if you can make a connection between myself and why I feel this way, than please do (posted on another forum where I'm loved).

    Sorry if I'm being nerdy, but this shit is true, and I wonder if others feel the same.
    Darth Vader (Anakin) was a great man, not evil. He was a victim. In this scene we see Luke, his son, recognizing what his father (DV) has done for him, how powerful his father must have been to sever the connection from dark master to dark apprentice. It is said earlier in many of the star wars movies, that nobody can go back to the light side once they have turned to the dark side, and darth vader did it because of his love for his son. The whole time we thought that Darth Vader was the villain, when in the end, we realize that he was just a victim. He loved a girl so much, that he gave into his passions in an attempt to save her, which lead to his corruption and downfall, which proves how powerful of an emotion love can be. The saddest part about this scene, is that Luke was the only one there for his Jedi funeral, the only one who truly understood what Anakin had gone through, and the strength that it took to do so.
    Only serious posts plz. (I see a parallel between Darth Vader and Severus Snape)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-l9W...layer_embedded

    Do you not understand how much this diagnoses has cost me? It has fucked with me so bad, and ruined my life. And trust me, I've grown up with so many head starts and because I've been brought up to believe I was a fucking reptile I burned every avenue I had. I became so nihilistic that I became soooo reckless that I really didn't give a fuck if I lived or died, I did things that no normal individual would do. Despite being 21, and coming from a financially secure upbringing, I have gone through so much shit that you wouldn't begin to understand.

    I don't believe in god, but I believe in destiny. You need people like me, so you can point your fucking fingers and tell your children "oh he's the bad guy! don't end up like him!', when in the end, we all have the same desires, but most of you are too afraid to show it. Grow some balls. Maybe I'm just meant to be an example, so people don't become as heartless as I am,because I chose to, well you know what maybe I didn't choose to, what if I had no choice, maybe that's how things are meant to be. But why me? Why am I meant to be the bad guy? Pick someone else for Christs sake. I wish I could fucking fit in, I wish I could relate normally, but I can't. You need people like me so you can point your fucking fingers.
    Last edited by Eyes On the Roll; 23-06-2012 at 13:38.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Eyes On the Roll View Post
    I became so nihilistic that I became soooo reckless that I really didn't give a fuck if I lived or died, I did things that no normal individual would do. Despite being 21, and coming from a financially secure upbringing, I have gone through so much shit that you wouldn't begin to understand.
    Yeah dude I do understand. I feel for you. Diagnoses are just words used to describe people who are outside of the box. We're all a little autistic, and a little depressed, and a little bipolar. I'm so bipolar and autistic and depressed that I could have written that myself I really honestly could have.

    You shouldn't feel guilty for coming from a wealthy background. We all come from somewhere, it really doesn't matter, rich people have problems just like poor people do.

    Just go easy on yourself man, it sounds to me like you REALLY beat yourself up, which is unhealthy. I think what you would really benefit from, more than medication (though by all means trust your doctor and keep taking your meds if you are on them, I'm on an antipsychotic myself atm), is GOOD therapy. Shop around, don't necessarily pick the first one you see. And if you're already in therapy, and get along with your therapist, so much the better! Talk to him or her about this stuff, about how this diagnosis is fucking with your head. Therapists aren't psychiatrists, and they are IME more likely than psychiatrists to understand that having Mental Issues is something way too complicated to be fixed by a pill or a diagnosis.

    Have you ever tried meditation? All you do is become aware of your breathing and focus on that sensation (there are more complicated meditation techniques but this is both the easiest way and will have dramatic effects pretty soon). Your thoughts will still be racing and going nuts but you just continue to focus on your breath. You don't have to sit down in the Lotus position, you can do it at any time in any daily activity. Practicing this skill will allow you to step back from your own thoughts. Eventually you will get a lot of clarity into where your issues come from. Meditation is like LSD but safe and controlled.

    Try to stop drinking so much, I've seen it ruin too many lives.



    Edit: btw ever see the South Park where Bubbles gets diagnosed with "multiple personalities"? If you're anything like me you'll find it hilarious.
    Last edited by It's a baby!; 23-06-2012 at 14:14.
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    #9
    Honestly, you sound like you have a very fractured sense of self, but you recognize that something is wrong (even when sober, or else you wouldn't feel the need to drink to alleviate it). Your dad might suggest that you're autistic (I can't say for sure, but I will say that autistic people are not mentally inferior so much as they operate differently). He might scorn you for being a "sociopath." He might call you all kinds of things to avoid owning up to the fact that a lot of it is his own handy work.

    There is a certain kind of parent who blames the child for the fact that the child never became the grandiose image that the parent always had for them, even before they were born. A certain kind of parent will spoil the kid, and then make offensive accusations at the kid for being a spoiled brat (all the while feeling a sense of pride for spoiling the kid, like they did something magnanimous - NEVER considering the impact that those 10 years of feeling like a great parent had on the child's ENTIRE life). A parent who will pride themselves on being a great parent, and criticize the kid for having what they don't deserve. All the while it's like the kid doesn't exist and the parent exists in his/her own world. That is a process of overvaluation (spoiling) and devaluation (criticizing for being spoiled), and it's actually fairly common, but when constant it gets to the point where it's pathological and damaging, and the kid grows up feeling like he doesn't deserve anything yet has everything. And often the parent will continue to disparage the kid, because the parent will not and cannot own up to their own shortcomings as a primary caregiver.

    The child essentially feels like the embodiment of the parent's evaluation of themselves and their own sense of grandiosity. The child's ego is basically split because they don't trust anybody, and they feel too scared and unqualified to love anybody so they resort to loving an "image" of themselves (rather than truly loving themselves, because they feel like no one is there).

    I'm not saying that this is your case, but you just sound so much like people I know who have been through it. The sad part is, when people realize this, they feel so angry at their father and/or mother that they put off getting better. The whole root of the problem is the inability to own up to yourself, because it's like you weren't given a sense of self to begin with. A lot of what you're saying is a reflection of your healthy self (recognizing a problem, feeling the need to take responsibility, wanting to feel, etc). You should quit drinking now and try to get some real help, instead of somebody putting the "sociopathy" cop-out on you. If you recognize a problem, and wish to get better, then there is help for you.
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    #10
    blahman8000
    You're completely right. I have been different from as far as I can tell. My earliest memory is of me breaking my femur at preschool at the age of 3. I remember it vividly, and I remember my father telling me that my mother and himself canceled a planned cruise because I had broken my leg and it was an inconvenience. From then on out he psychologically and physically (to a certain age) tortured me. At the same time of the bone brake, my parents divorced, and my mother was admitted to a psych hospital and I never got the chance to see her for a long time.. (so I grew up thinking it was my fault) being in the custody of my father and all.. and she was going through ECT at the time which I didn't discover until I was about 16. I have heard many of my fathers friends tell me that there is another side to him, a cold and calculating side, and I think it may have been passed onto myself co-morbid with a bit of my mothers Bipolar and OCD and whatever the hell else my family has to offer.

    I can honestly say, that I am truly obsessed with myself in every way. I love my image, and I only trust myself. I have had a shell built up around my true self for as far as I can remember, and I have only let one person in and they hurt me, so I only built the shell stronger.
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    #11
    I have similar thoughts about my parents. My mom is crazy depressed at times (she experienced constant chest-pain for months one time that was purely anxiety-based), my dad is just... crazy sometimes, I remember one time he thought some black kids were trying to "jump him" while he was riding around on his scooter and his response was to come into the house yelling and screaming "CALL 911 TELL THEM THEY NEED AN AMBULANCE BECAUSE I'M GONNA KILL THESE FUCKING NIGGERS" and run outside with a big-ass sharpened Samurai sword in one hand and a club in the other. My father literally hears voices, though he says they are "his" voices. And he's objectively an alcoholic, he is not drinking right now but he's already talking about going back after I move out. I'm half him and half my mom, it's the perfect storm to create some bipolarish symptoms (and I haven't even received that diagnosis, I can just objectively look at my life and admit that I experience severe mood-swings, I don't think I'll ever become psychotic again as long as I don't allow myself to become sleep deprived and avoid mind-warping drugs).

    My great-uncle was schizophrenic, my first cousin is schizotypal, and my aunt on my mother's side experienced a psychotic break that was partly cocaine-induced, partly stress. My great-uncle drank himself to death, nobody knows what's up with my first cousin, and my aunt is all better and not even on psychiatric medication. She actually lives an amazing life.

    So people like us just need to be careful to take care of ourselves. I can look at myself as a bit aspie'ish too, but I think anybody with a high IQ is going to be a bit aspie'ish. I never talk about my IQ normally because it's a stupid fucking number that does not really measure anything valuable. This activity we engage in of "helping" strangers on the internet through writing is inherently a little bit autistic.

    Everybody falls somewhere on the autism spectrum, everybody falls somewhere on the schizoid spectrum, everybody falls somewhere on the bipolar spectrum. These strange things we experience are only mental illness when they cause significant stress in our lives.

    There was a time in my life when I was a Serious Catholic and went to confession every week. I would write down lists of sins. And I would have intrusive thoughts of the Virgin Mary being raped which I would respond to by saying a rosary. That's OCD, but I don't have OCD.

    One time I got so happy with myself and was doing so many drugs that I stayed up for 5 days (without drugs), became floridly psychotic and ended up in a psychiatric ward (they had to give me haldol) and given a diagnosis of Drug Induced Psychosis. That's manic, but I don't think of myself as truly bipolar.

    One time I was trying to quit smoking cigarettes and going through serious depression and accused my parents of slipping medication in my food. That's schizoid, but I'm not schizophrenic.
    Last edited by It's a baby!; 23-06-2012 at 16:48.
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    #12
    Here's a poem by a man named Robert Burton who went through the same experiences in the late-16th/early-17th century. Back then all such complaints, mine and yours, were lumped together as "melancholy".



    When I go musing all alone
    Thinking of divers things fore-known.
    When I build castles in the air,
    Void of sorrow and void of fear,
    Pleasing myself with phantasms sweet,
    Methinks the time runs very fleet.
    All my joys to this are folly,
    Naught so sweet as melancholy.

    When I lie waking all alone,
    Recounting what I have ill done,
    My thoughts on me then tyrannise,
    Fear and sorrow me surprise,
    Whether I tarry still or go,
    Methinks the time moves very slow.
    All my griefs to this are jolly,
    Naught so mad as melancholy.

    When to myself I act and smile,
    With pleasing thoughts the time beguile,
    By a brook side or wood so green,
    Unheard, unsought for, or unseen,
    A thousand pleasures do me bless,
    And crown my soul with happiness.
    All my joys besides are folly,
    None so sweet as melancholy.

    When I lie, sit, or walk alone,
    I sigh, I grieve, making great moan,
    In a dark grove, or irksome den,
    With discontents and Furies then,
    A thousand miseries at once
    Mine heavy heart and soul ensconce,
    All my griefs to this are jolly,
    None so sour as melancholy.

    Methinks I hear, methinks I see,
    Sweet music, wondrous melody,
    Towns, palaces, and cities fine;
    Here now, then there; the world is mine,
    Rare beauties, gallant ladies shine,
    Whate'er is lovely or divine.
    All other joys to this are folly,
    None so sweet as melancholy.

    Methinks I hear, methinks I see
    Ghosts, goblins, fiends; my phantasy
    Presents a thousand ugly shapes,
    Headless bears, black men, and apes,
    Doleful outcries, and fearful sights,
    My sad and dismal soul affrights.
    All my griefs to this are jolly,
    None so damn'd as melancholy.

    Methinks I court, methinks I kiss,
    Methinks I now embrace my mistress.
    O blessed days, O sweet content,
    In Paradise my time is spent.
    Such thoughts may still my fancy move,
    So may I ever be in love.
    All my joys to this are folly,
    Naught so sweet as melancholy.

    When I recount love's many frights,
    My sighs and tears, my waking nights,
    My jealous fits; O mine hard fate
    I now repent, but 'tis too late.
    No torment is so bad as love,
    So bitter to my soul can prove.
    All my griefs to this are jolly,
    Naught so harsh as melancholy.

    Friends and companions get you gone,
    'Tis my desire to be alone;
    Ne'er well but when my thoughts and I
    Do domineer in privacy.
    No Gem, no treasure like to this,
    'Tis my delight, my crown, my bliss.
    All my joys to this are folly,
    Naught so sweet as melancholy.

    'Tis my sole plague to be alone,
    I am a beast, a monster grown,
    I will no light nor company,
    I find it now my misery.
    The scene is turn'd, my joys are gone,
    Fear, discontent, and sorrows come.
    All my griefs to this are jolly,
    Naught so fierce as melancholy.

    I'll not change life with any king,
    I ravisht am: can the world bring
    More joy, than still to laugh and smile,
    In pleasant toys time to beguile?
    Do not, O do not trouble me,
    So sweet content I feel and see.
    All my joys to this are folly,
    None so divine as melancholy.

    I'll change my state with any wretch,
    Thou canst from gaol or dunghill fetch;
    My pain's past cure, another hell,
    I may not in this torment dwell!
    Now desperate I hate my life,
    Lend me a halter or a knife;
    All my griefs to this are jolly,
    Naught so damn'd as melancholy.
    Last edited by It's a baby!; 23-06-2012 at 17:09.
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    #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eyes On the Roll View Post
    I was also brought up in a wealthy family with a psychopathic father who would beat me with a spatula one day, then buy me all the toys I could ever dream for the next day (so I wouldn't tell my mommy! ).
    I think you have been on a long path of identifying with the agressor. I don't think that necessarily means you are a sociopath.

    I would also say that you should probably seek out therapy. It isn't uncommon for people to depend on ethanol to distance onesself from unwanted thoughts/actions. However, it is prone to backfiring, as I believe you have already experienced.
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    #14
    My sister is a lot like me. Except she is beautiful, popular (homecoming queen, class president), extremely social, and well liked. I'm kind of the black sheep and she's the angel. She was with me for a lot of the animal hurting and other controlled fire settings. I guess it could be said that she suckered me into a lot of it, but that would just be an excuse. She was especially joyful about all of it. I think she is more like my father than myself. She is the one of the only real true friends I have ever had, despite the back and forth betrayals. I'm not sure if she feels the same, but I can wager a guess that she has been more open with me than with anyone else. Like me, she has only really had one distinguished relationship, and has always flown solo. She does not have a visible drug problem, but I know she has as much experience as I have.
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    #15
    There's a few reasons. Think of it this way, sociopaths need people to use for whatever reason. Drinking would justify hanging out with someone who is under them because they are getting some instant gratification. Also, sociopaths are constantly repressing their emotions. Alcohol gives them the excuse to feel emotions that would otherwise be inhibited by their inflated ego. Drinking is their way to control themselves and manipulating others into being their friend.

    I don't know you that well, I probably wouldn't guess you were a sociopath if you hadn't mentioned it, but I would guess that your doctors must have a good idea of whats wrong with you.. maybe not. Doctors can make mistakes. I would guess that if you were, alcohol makes you feel normal for a short period of time because it releases your inhibitions.

    I think it's conditioning during child development that turns someone into a sociopath or a psychopath. It is well documented that most sociopaths have experienced some extreme trauma during childhood or adolescence that they try to repress. For this reason, it is likely dangerous to drink if you are a sociopath because you might experience rage/ extreme emotions. Also, it is only going to depress the frontal lobe further which can lead to dangerous behavior or violent behavior. I would not suggest drinking if you are a diagnosed sociopath, especially to the point where you become dependent upon it. That is only going to increase the risk that you do something that could harm yourself or more likely someone else.
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    #16
    You open with the fact that your and ex Oxy addict and then you freak out and say your not a drug addict... I don't get it. Are you trying to be sarcastic?... hard to tell online lol
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    #17
    It's a baby!: I didn't mean to neglect your posts, but yours have been the most helpful so far. Finally, someone who understands. And I'm not in therapy, I don't see a doctor, and I don't take medication anymore. I don't trust doctors because what they have subjected me to (ECT), like I don't trust anyone. I am so cynical it's insane. I only trust myself and in these posts it's like I'm talking to myself to figure out what the hell is going on, so I don't mean to seem rash or insensitive. I haven't been this honest with myself in years, I thought that part of me had died a long time ago. Thanks for your post.

    Idk man. I don't mean to sound like a douche when I post this stuff, but that's kind of expected. I use this form of venting as a form of psychotherapy. I think so much in terms of absolutes, in black and white. It's either all or nothing. I either feel like a god, or I feel like a weak victim. I trace that back to a deep rooted, and unaccepted tragic insecurity, that I recently have come to terms with because of these topics that I post. I flatter myself to feel good, and then I demoralize myself to feel like the victim that needs coddling. I just don't know what to think anymore. I've spent my whole life trying to understand myself, and I never truly understand what the hell is going on. The truth is, that I have a very fractured sense of self. I bet tomorrow I'll read this and feel humiliated, and then I'll defensively convince myself I'm cold blooded and godly. I'm so fucked up. Everything that has happened to me has been my own fault, I'm just too weak to accept it indefinitely. I hate myself.. and the next moment I will be so in love with myself that I will not want for or need a companion, because I have myself. Tears were brought to my eyes when I typed this, and it felt so good, like a form of self mutilation. Picking apart at my very essence to humiliate and dehumanize myself.

    Please read this, for the lyrics of this song describe exactly what I'm going through. It's almost like I spoke them myself from as far down as my hidden and protected insecurity.

    Breaking The Habit Lyrics:

    Memories consume
    Like opening the wound
    I'm picking me apart again

    You all assume
    I'm safe here in my room
    Unless I try to start again

    I don't want to be the one
    The battles always choose
    'Cause inside I realize
    That I'm the one confused

    I don't know what's worth fighting for
    Or why I have to scream
    I don't know why I instigate
    And say what I don't mean

    I don't know how I got this way
    I know it's not alright
    So I'm breaking the habit
    I'm breaking the habit tonight

    Clutching my cure
    I tightly lock the door
    I try to catch my breath again

    I hurt much more
    Than anytime before
    I had no options left again

    I don't want to be the one
    The battles always choose
    'Cause inside I realize
    That I'm the one confused

    I don't know what's worth fighting for
    Or why I have to scream
    I don't know why I instigate
    And say what I don't mean

    I don't know how I got this way
    I'll never be alright
    So I'm breaking the habit
    I'm breaking the habit tonight

    I'll paint it on the walls
    'Cause I'm the one at fault
    I'll never fight again
    And this is how it ends

    I don't know what's worth fighting for
    Or why I have to scream
    But now I have some clarity
    To show you what I mean

    I don't know how I got this way
    I'll never be alright
    So I'm breaking the habit
    I'm breaking the habit
    I'm breaking the habit tonight

    Copyright Disclaimer Under Section 107 of the Copyright Act 1976, allowance is made for "fair use" for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research. Fair use is a use permitted by copyright statute that might otherwise be infringing. Non-profit, educational or personal use tips the balance in favor of fair use.
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    Music
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    * breaking
    * the
    * habit
    * lyrics

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    9,884 likes, 131 dislikes
    * Linkin Park Artist: Linkin Park
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    Last edited by Eyes On the Roll; 24-06-2012 at 22:37.
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    #18
    It's a baby:
    I remember a certain thread that you made, while you were going through a certain number of things, and you expressed a lot of brilliant thoughts that you had at the time. I followed the entire thread. It's easy to classify it as a manic/psychotic episode, and maybe it was, but I think it demonstrated a lot of inspiration from you. I just had to say it.

    Eyes on the Roll:
    Please be sure to message me, if you want someone to talk to. It might seem hard to believe, but I've been through, and am going through, a number of things that you are experiencing right now.
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    #19
    blahman8000 you have been especially helpful as well. From your first post, I sensed a feeling of scorn towards myself, and then your thoughts changed. Now I hope you realize that I experience this often, except a lot of peoples opinions don't change because I don't reveal this part of myself in real life, so I am perpetually the bad guy. It hurts, but sometimes it feels good, and other times it feels great. I am so confused about what's going on with my personality. Please realize that I'm not suicidal despite all the pain that has been emanating from my posts, for I do enjoy life a great deal, and I only keep my self alive to feel the absolutes, the absolute bliss and the incredible torment.
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    #20
    Bluelighter Ho-Chi-Minh's Avatar
    Join Date
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    [QUOTE=It's a baby!;10692024]
    Have you ever tried meditation? All you do is become aware of your breathing and focus on that sensation (there are more complicated meditation techniques but this is both the easiest way and will have dramatic effects pretty soon). Your thoughts will still be racing and going nuts but you just continue to focus on your breath. You don't have to sit down in the Lotus position, you can do it at any time in any daily activity. Practicing this skill will allow you to step back from your own thoughts. Eventually you will get a lot of clarity into where your issues come from. Meditation is like LSD but safe and controlled.

    Try to stop drinking so much, I've seen it ruin too many lives.


    /QUOTE]

    There are exponentially many more ways to meditate than there are recreational drugs, but yes, simply focusing on the breath is a rudimentary meditation, which don't get me wrong, is a great place to start. I've been meditating daily for quite some time, and let me tell you, though I'm sure this is partly due to the hypomania which I experience daily, it totally makes me feel more enlightened; there is no other way to succinctly put it. It may seem tedious and time-consuming, but I promise that the investment is more than well-worth it. I find with me, though, that it can give me undue strength to assault my negative thoughts rather than clarify them; this is of course not good. Needless to say, meditation isn't an end-all-be-all to the ultimate life, though I feel it can be a very significant part of one, and I wouldn't be near where I am now without it.

    Its like LSD? Haha. I have never taken LSD; I can't say the same for another common, natural psychedelic. I think both open the mind, but meditation forges ahead somehow. It provides mature insight into almost every single situation, whereas psychedelics more so kids around just destroying convention without offering a solution beyond gaity. Meditation seems to purge the body of toxin, consolidate it, relax it, and energize it while providing a greater awareness; its almost unbelievable. I think the main difference is manifest in daily lives, that the meditator is more enabled to affect change, so can be extremely industrious even in our crazy world while the psychonaut has been largely shut off from working with modern civilization and becomes sort of an outcast, disallowing himself from fulfilling his potential in the world though that's certainly a generalization.

    Regardless, I can state that meditation is superior to LSD.

    Alcohol is a silly creature. It appear so benign, but once enabled through abuse can tear through someone's life.
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    #21
    Bluelighter
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Northeastern USA
    Posts
    2,786
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